Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2008
Help!
2
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 3:42pm

Ok.
I had contact today. And I initiated. And I completely went against NC.

Here is what happened.
I get a phone call this morning from my best friend, who knows something about my ex, but doesn't want to tell me. She tells me anyways. My ex, 2 weeks after our breakup was texting a woman repeatedly while in the company of some friends.

None of my business right?
Thought I was doing ok. Thought I could handle finding out stuff about his life later on.
Turns out I couldn't.
I suddenly remember that he has a video of my child winning gold medals on her sports team and I wanted it back and I wanted closure or something.
So I call him.
He answers. We end up on the phone for about an hour talking about everything.
He has in fact been "talking" to a woman at his office. According to him "only talking", not that it even matters at this point. She is divorced, a couple of kids and a nice house.
Fantastic.
He tells me he still loves my daughter and I ... and he thought the space would make him not care about everything I did to him (i.e. taking him for granted, never spending time with him)...but he still feels the same way(same loss of feelings). He said he wasn't sure if his feelings would change back in the future and he wasn't sure if getting back together eventually would happen as "he can't control how he feels."

I said my answer was right there in front of me basically. If he has intent to sleep with another woman, then clearly, that is my answer. (No.)

I asked him if he could see anything with us in the future. He said, if he feels the way he does now (i.e. still bothered by everything from our past...that I created apparantly & admittedly), then no.

I feel as though someone has punched me in the stomach repeatedly. I originally wanted the pain now instead of later. I wanted to know now rather than be happy, get over it for a month or two then find out he's happy and revert back to feeling like crap.

However, I am sad as hell. I miss him. I love him and I can't take back what has happened. (For those of you who don't know me... he and I were long distance for almost 2 years... I got mad at his kids once, I was always late and/or broke plans...he gave gave gave, while I took.) My job is moving me out to his city in mid-August.

And now, it is too late.

Sandra, if you're out there and have some words of wisdom.... or if my other friend is out there who is on 1 month NC has some great advice. Please, feel free. No amount of reading self-help books, or watching The Secret, or buying these "Make him Want you!" or "You will Make Up!" or "You will get your Power back!" things are helping.

I am probably in need of some therapy at this point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: advicegal77
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 6:56pm

Words of wisdom, maybe some for hope:


After my ex and I broke up,

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2008
In reply to: advicegal77
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 9:07pm

Thank you so much Sandra, it really helps to know that you've been through this. I will have faith and I must accept that it is over. I joined a gym & started eating healthy a few weeks ago...lost 10 lbs :)
And I will definately take a break from this friend. This friend was a different friend....she and her man (who left their significant other's for each other) are the pair that set us up to begin with. Their significant others have done well after being dumped...one is married now with a child, the other lost a bunch of weight, bought a home and looks fabulous. It drives my friend crazy.

I did something kind of stupid after my last post, immediately afterwards. (Prior to receiving your reply)....um... ok, of course I know how stupid this is. But I needed to free my mind, closure...of course knowing full well that I should have wrote it on paper and thrown it out. I typed it out and sent it to him.
It went a little something like this...ok it went exactly like this:

-------------------------------------------------------

Just wanted to say that I can't get past your "loss of feelings." I can't justify any of this. The fact that I drove out there and poured out my heart to you while you firmly stood your ground. Clearly you don't miss me, you are not in love with me and that is fantasic that you are able to begin to move on so quickly.

There is not a doubt in my mind that you began speaking with this woman prior to your distancing yourself from me. I feel that she is one of the reasons for all of this.

I realize that I messed up and that I took you for granted, I was not perfect, nobody is. But I loved you. I loved you more than you will ever know. I never, ever thought that you would do this to me. Never in a million years.

And as I know, one-sided love can't work and IF we were to ever have a second chance, I would never be able to trust you again with all of my heart.

So I am finished.

I accepted a date tonight.

Have a great summer & give the girls a kiss from me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Truth: I was asked out on a date for this evening, some friends from work have introduced me to a man that is nice, but I am not ready for. I did not accept the date for this evening, my daughter had a sports banquet.
My mindset at the time of writing that letter was that I knew I needed to move on because I have no other choice. I knew that if someone loves you and wants to be with you, they will do anything in their power to make it happen.
As your other post says, we shouldn't have to "trick" someone to want to be with us.

My mother and father were married until my father died 2 yrs ago. They were married for nearly 50 years and survived the death of a son, many miscarriages and loved, lived and laughed together. My 70 year old mother says to me, "he's just coming up with all of these petty things to cowardly back out, this woman was in the works, don't call him again you fool."

Just hearing the same (as my mother says, petty) things come out of his mouth again, "you wanted someone to just have, someone to hang out with once in a while when you felt like it, I want more than that...when I wanted your daughter to build a father/daughter relationship with me if your job took you someplace else for six months, you said no(I wanted her to be with me)....when we had a discussion if you would ever leave me if I became sick, you said yes(I was joking, we were talking about utter silliness, i.e. changing diapers or becoming senile...of couse he was being serious), when we hadn't been together in 3 weeks, you took a day and a half extra sleeping in & wasting time to come out to see me...."

People around me keep saying that it's as if I'm clawing at him...basically they're saying I wasn't truly happy when I was with him (yes he was a pain at times...aren't all men? but I loved him)...I just never had the gut feeling that he was the one, I hear different things, some say you never have that feeling, other's say you will. And it feels like I do now that he is gone, however my close confidents are saying it's because he's gone, and the normalcy and the comfort is gone with it. That and my uncontrollable mind invisioning him making love to someone else. Aurgh!

Ok, this is long enough. I will continue to educate myself, I will not call him ever again, I will accept that I can't control things that are beyond my control.
This board is a life-saver. Truly it is.
It literally feels as though I am walking around in a nightmare. He told me this new woman has a very similar name to mine & her daughter has the same name as my daughter. It's like a twisted distorted nightmare in which the weather is warm....life continues on...the sun rises and sets, time passes and I must continue my journey that is life.