Progress, setbacks, his self-destruction
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| Wed, 05-07-2008 - 1:06pm |
This is incredibly long... sigh
So it’s been a few weeks since I moved out of our apartment because my boyfriend of 5 years didn’t know what it was he wanted. Since then I have come to the realization that this breakup was not about him and me at all but more about him and the fact that he desperately needs help. He knew that he wasn’t happy, but he didn’t know why. I have realized that he really has never been happy and that didn’t really have anything to do with me.. But that he couldn’t admit that he needed me way too much so he started to put a little of the blame for his unhappiness on me.
We’d been neglecting the little things in our relationship so even though we loved each other, things weren’t the same. Which was fixable, but I think his mind had already wandered to the thought of us breaking up, so he didn’t really want to try.
He couldn’t in good conscience sign a new year-long lease with me (ours ends in 2 months) feeling the way he did. On one level, I feel like maybe he knew he had to let me go because at the moment he is completely incapable of giving me what I want, need and deserve. He’s 24, successful, smart, talented, funny, and very good-looking, but I can see now that he is very empty on the inside, which makes me sad. He can’t even give himself what he needs, so how could he give me what I need?
Things weren't turbulent between us or anything. He has never said anything mean about me during this whole process, in fact, after the initial week of not talking, I saw him, and we got to talk about a lot of things. That is when I started to feel sorry for him. He was in our apartment, by himself, with absolutely nobody to talk to (I know this is his fault, as he has never been able to open up to anyone in the world except for me), and our pictures were still up around the place. I had a moment of weakness and let him kiss me goodbye as I left.. We were both crying and he told me he loved me. We had been hugging and just sharing lots of feelings and it was weird, as I felt emotionally close to him (which we had sort of lost in the past few months), but romantically far away. Like a mother to a child or something.
He really wanted to come to my birthday/promotion celebration last Friday, so he did. I could tell it was awkward for him- he’s been hiding his feelings his whole life but I can read him like a book. A friend of mine from a long time ago showed up and we were talking a lot and I think he thought we were flirting in front of him, which I felt a little bad about. Anyway, he drove me and some other people back to a friend’s house which was actually right around the corner from our old apartment. When they went inside, he hugged me and told me, “Please don’t be a stranger.” I felt horribly bad for him, like he was reaching out. I told him eventually I would have to stop talking to him- how else was I going to get over this? He understood but was still clinging on, saying that it wouldn’t be forever that we wouldn’t be talking, and could he Myspace me? Etc. etc. etc. He just didn’t get it. When he gets emotional (very rare) he realllllly gets emotional.
In a weird, sick way, that really helped me. To see that he was doing worse than I was. (Human nature, I think) And I really started to move on and think that right here, right now, he was not the one for me. I felt more like his therapist than a girlfriend. I also thought, if I move on from THIS relationship, completely get over it, and run into him 5 years from now and he’s a different person, I wouldn’t count that out- it’s not like I was planning or wanting that to happen, but I wasn’t counting it out either. I was also thinking a lot about finding a new person who had a lot of the same qualities as him but not the problems or the issues. He didn’t really enjoy a lot of things (well, deep down I know he did but he can’t let himself enjoy things ever) and I want to be with someone who I can do things with without feeling like I’m dragging them around where they don't want to go.
Well then I did just about the dumbest thing ever. I was about to leave work and for WHATEVER reason, I decide to check his email. I hadn’t done anything like that in a really long time. Maybe I knew something was up? I know, I know, though. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Well, there it was. He’d signed up to 3 different dating services and emailed some girl from Craiglist’s “Casual Encounters” section (turned out to be a scam, ha!). And once again I sacrificed myself to save HIM.. I went to our apartment, under the premise of finally getting my birthday gift from him, and I told him someone had seen his profile on a dating Web site. At first he laughed it off and said some girl had contacted him saying she knew him and to sign up for this service but it was a scam (the scam part was true).. But eventually, as usual, he broke down and told me he’d emailed someone from Craigslist totally out of the blue and he didn’t even know why he’d done it. This is the part where I didn’t know what to think. Part of me was SO incredibly hurt and angry that he would be searching online for a random hookup (you should’ve read this girls’ ad, there was no way he was looking for “someone to talk to” as he tried to justify it) 2 weeks after a 5 year relationship- when my stuff is still in the apartment and our pictures are still all around. It was also extremely out of character for him, someone who is not a cheater or a player and who has only had long-term relationships. But then another part of me felt sorry for this pathetic guy crying in front of me... It was obvious to me that he was SICK and he needs some serious help. He admitted that he did not learn from his mistake 3 years ago (broke up with me and dated another girl for a week before coming back after realizing that was "the biggest mistake" of his life) and that he was falling into the same pattern of behavior.
He even refused to admit he was lonely, but then eventually did. He broke down when he showed me the sketchy emails he had written and was so incredibly embarrassed and ashamed that I actually felt bad for him even though it broke my heart. He started opening up to me about how he didn’t know when to take our pictures down, he thought maybe he should but then he couldn’t bring himself to do it and all that. (Oddly that was the thing that made him cry the hardest)
He just has no other outlet to deal with the pain. He is a rational person but then does the most irrational things when he’s hurt because he doesn’t have anybody to talk to about any of his screwed up feelings. I know this is not my problem anymore, nor should it ever have been. He feels bad to have “dragged me down” into his messed up world and I agree with that. He said I deserve all the happiness in the world and that’s why he will leave me alone. I know that’s the right thing to do, I know it, but deep down I’m afraid I’ll run into him and find out he’s self-destructed. I don’t know if I can handle that. For the past 5 years we’ve been basically planning our future together. He’s been very good at hiding the fact that he needs serious help. But I guess I just have to move on with my own life and let him do whatever he wants. I know that eventually I will find the right person who can give me all that stuff that he can’t give me right now.
Has anyone else been sucked in to a situation like this? Where your significant other turned into someone who is basically helpless, self-destructing, and you HAVE to just let them go even though you want to help them out? I’m so afraid of what he’s going to become but I know that I have to get over that feeling. I know that he could be a happy, healthy person because he has so much going for him, but these issues are holding him back in so many ways. I’m having a hard time convincing myself that it doesn’t matter to me anymore, because I obviously still care about him, just maybe not in the way I used to. I’ve always helped him out and helped other people out too, it’s just how I am. But I never wanted to be a martyr.

Oh my god, were we dating the same guy? Ha ha ha, just kidding.
I know how hard it is to walk away to save yourself. My ex is an alcoholic, he has some very deep issues he needs to resolve, and like you I had no idea how unhappy he really is.
Hi kategatorbait,
If you can't swim and you try to save someone that is drowning, you will also drown.
I'm so sorry you had to go through the same thing.. but I am glad there is someone out there who feels exactly how I do. It's very comforting to know that I'm not weird for thinking these things.
The absolute hardest part for me is stopping myself from doing things for him. Here I am at work, looking up counseling centers. I did this last time we broke up and he never went. Kept making excuses about money. Well now he has a substantial amount of savings and I asked him straight up, what amount of money would you give up to make everything in your life turn out the way you wanted it to? I reminded him that even if he had to spend his whole life savings (which he wouldn't) that it would be worth it. 24 is too young to give up-- it's just about the time when most people make the biggest changes in their life.. I feel like if he doesn't do this now, he is going to make excuses his whole life. Oh well.
He agrees with me about everything and then when I leave, he doesn't do anything. It's so frustrating. I can't do this anymore. Maybe he's not ready. Maybe he needs to hit rock bottom before he can claw his way back up. It happened to his ex. She cheated on him, they broke up, and then she was a total mess for almost 3 years. She would corner him at parties and talk about things they used to do and just cry. She would hook up with all the wrong guys, cheat on her boyfriends, etc. I felt sorry for her more than anything else. Now she is doing pretty well, is on a good career path and in a stable relationship. It took her a LONG time. She really did hit rock bottom at one time and somehow she's made it back.
I need to keep telling myself that I am not going to have anything left if I keep expending all my energy trying to save him from himself. I want to be able to move on and mend my heart eventually. It's all so hard because I know this is killing him but he is in such denial. Last time he broke down and begged me to take him back. I think he is even more upset now because I have made it clear that is NOT going to happen this time. Friday night he hinted that he wanted me to get in the car with him and go "home" but I told him no. And yesterday he made it seem like that is not what he intended at all, and that this has been easier than he thought it was for him to get over (OK, not buying that one! He is a hot mess! I wish he would just admit it!). He's not ready to own up to everything yet.
I am the strong one here but sometimes I feel so weak. He has been my weakness for 5 years and it's going to take a long time to mend. I was actually surprised at how easy it was for me to talk to him on the phone (after the week of not talking) and NOT say "i love you". It didn't bother me. But yet thinking of him moving on.. it bothers me a lot. Maybe more so because I know it would be the wrong thing for him to do and he would just go right back to his old ways.
What have you been doing to keep yourself from worrying about him?
Thank you.. I know you are right but sometimes you just have to hear someone say it over and over again before you really get it into your head.
He is open to counseling when we are talking face to face and he's emotional.
He says he is going to read the books I'm giving him (on loan from my dad's girlfriend.. I will have to make sure he has her phone # so I am not the one who has to give them back to her) and he is going to call the community college to try to talk to a counselor for free (he is taking teaching courses there to obtain his professional certification, so he's a student, thank goodness) but then I feel like when I leave, he sees himself crying, toughens up and says to himself, "I can deal with this on my own." But it's obvious that he can't.
And neither can I.. so I have to walk away. I think I am going to get the rest of my stuff from the apartment this weekend while he is working. Tomorrow we are going to sort out our bank account, draw up an agreement about what's happening to the land we bought, and make decisions about all the furniture. I know I'm going to have to talk to him eventually, maybe years from now, when one of us decides it's time to sell the land. But I don't have to worry about that for a long time. I actually imagine him calling me up, asking me about the land, and me telling him all about my new life. Catching up over coffee or something. The thought doesn't really bother me now, but I know that will change back and forth over time.
This is so hard.. knowing that it's all about him & there's nothing I could've done. Sigh.
I don't know what exactly I did to stop worrying about him. I think in a way, I needed to hit my rock bottom with him.
Hello,
Thank you for your reply to my message below. I just wanted to post something positive, that it's okay to be upset and sad but it's also possible to move on and take care of yourself. Or reach the enlightening, as I like to call it... :)
I'm sorry to hear about your story. Mine's almost the same, my ex's life is so screwed up, it's just not funny. I do almost feel sympathy for him, I don't know how people get themselves into that much emotional turmoil but oh well...
Yes, it is unfortunate how things are like this. I like to help people. I wanted desperately help my ex. But just like you, there's a point in time when it all comes to an end. I've tried to help him move on, but he either can't, or doesn't want to. Thus emotional cheating. And the story goes on and on. But we have to leave these people behind. Like you, I didn't want to be a martyr either. Never thought I'd had to be, especially with someone who I cared and loved so much. But it is too much. They also have to learn to seek out help, it's no use us giving them help, offering support, when they're not ready to receive.
So... Take care of yourself. It's difficult, I know. I still get sad, still get upset, still get angry and mad. And when my emotions run high I can't do anything to distract myself. I just wallow even more and that's horrendous. But I know that I'm definitely happier than before. I'm a lot more calm then before, and I consciously know that I'm happy. So all the other emotions that are harder to digest will go away over time.
We'll both get through this, I'm sure. But one thing you MUST do is to surround yourself with people who love you, who genuinely want to spend time with you. That really helped me - knowing that my friends and family loves me unconditionally, knowing that they want me to be happy, knowing that they're doing their best, emotionally and physically (making me G&Ts, feeding me lots of ice cream and comfort food, making me laugh, etc.) is just fantastic. I've come to appreciate all the good people in my life a lot more during the last two weeks than ever before!
Lots of hugs to you, keep in touch, feel free to write to me if you ever want to vent.