1 Child, 1 On The Way, and No Partner

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
1 Child, 1 On The Way, and No Partner
3
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 2:51pm

My ex and I have a 3 year-old and I'm currently 5 1/2 months pregnant. Last week he told me that he's been miserable for the past 8 months and that he doesn't think he's in love with me anymore and that he doesn't see a future with me. He told me that he didn't want to break up but I responded with "Well, if you see no future with me, why would I stay with you?"

We were together four years. He moved in when I got pregnant the first time and then moved out with our son was 1 1/2. He said he needed space to sort things out. I let him go and stayed in a relationship with him. My first pregnancy was a surprise and I always felt more ready for it than he. My theory was, if he needed to move out and get that out of his system, I'd rather him go. As long as I had faith that he'd come back to me, it was better he did without resentment. And things were good after that. He was at my house all the time, he spent tons of time with our son, and he was deeply committed to our relationship.

When I got pregnant the second time, it wasn't planned and again, he was wonderful and assured me that we would work everything out. That was in January. For the past few months I've been ill from the pregnancy and he started a new job which meant longer hours. We talked about the fact that we were both fried by the experience and then we reminded each other that it was only temporary. I would have the baby and the new job pressures would subside.

When he sat me down last week, the last thing on my mind was that he wanted out. That was so unlike him. He's a very dedicated guy to his family and friends. He's always put me and my son first. I am certain there's no one else. He just said that he's felt unhappy for a long time and that got him thinking about the future and he couldn't see us together in it.

My family tells me that they know me best and that while I can be a lot to handle sometimes, they know that I am loyal, loving and fair and that if he had just spoken up at any point in the relationship, they're certain I would've done everything in my power to try and work things out. We had problems early in the relationship after my son was born where it was me that was miserable. We worked through it and (I thought) were stronger for it. I guess my biggest sorrow is not even being given the chance to work through this when it's him that's in pain.

This devastates me. I have a wonderful extended family that's local so I know I'll have a lot of help when the baby arrives. And I know that ex-BF will be a part of the kids' lives because that's the kind of guy he is. I just wonder how I move forward. Clearly, he's further along in this separation than I am since he's had more time to get used to the idea. I just have no idea how to interact with him and how to cut myself off from my old best friend.

Any advice is more than welcome. Thanks at least for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 8:30am

Hey girl,

Wow, you're strong. One here and one on he way and the boy ran out. I'm always, ALWAYS shocked when they say women are the "weaker" sex. I don't believe women have ever been the 'weaker' sex. Especially in situations like this, because while of course there are some exceptions, by and large, it's the men who leave. And the children's presence doesn't really stop them from leaving, not really.

Anyway...

So, first things first. He may not see his future with you but it will definitely *include* you. You continue using that strength and take him straight to court for child support. This isn't for you, it's not to get back at him, and it's NOT mean, it's for the kids. And no court will deny it to you. He wants to leave, fine, but freedom always has a price, and this is his. You may have to prove paternity since you two weren't married (?), but you go ahead and do it happily if he insists.

Then you let him go easily. You don't fight it, and you don't take him back. He can't always be running out on you when the crap of life gets tough. Secret: It will always have tough times and you need someone you're not always wondering in the back of your mind is he going to run out or is he going to stay during the moments he should in fact be turning to you, not away from you. I'd say in your future, don't live with someone. Seriously. Don't. I'm not against it, in fact I'll probably just cohabit myself, but I don't plan on having children, and people in cohabiting situations seem to live with one foot in and one foot out, and that's not a healthy mentality when there are kids involved. So in the future, date and then marry if you want, but don't live with someone. Just a suggestion, food for thought.

As far as how to deal with him. As civilly as possible, even moreso than you want to or think he deserves. You talk to him only about the kids and nothing more. Not what's going on in your life because he lost the privilege, not what's going on in his because as far as you're concerned you don't care. Only about the kids and their welfare and happiness.

Good luck and stick around the board, there are plenty of people with life experience that can be good resources for you, I'm sure.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Fri, 05-09-2008 - 12:03pm

Thank you so much for your words of strength. Just knowing that I'm not alone is key. And knowing that others are just as stunned and upset about his leaving as I am, makes me feel like I'm not losing my mind.

I read some of these boards and am insanely jealous of those who can say that they've had X number of months of no contact. I WISH I could do that. It would make my healing so much easier. Unfortunately, we must talk every few days and that's hard. It's hard to keep it to just talk of the kids, but I think I'm managing.

We were all supposed to go on a trip to Ireland the beginning of June with my family. My son and I are still going. I think that two weeks of no contact will be good for us. The house we rented has no computer and I refuse to activate the international plan on my cell phone so that daddy can say goodnight to our son. I don't plan on making this easy on him. Not that I'm trying to be bitter ex-GF here but I don't owe him that, and I plan to exercise that right.

I meet with an family law attorney on Thursday. I had already made the appointment when I wrote my initial post so I'm glad to hear that this is the right move as well. I really don't want things to get ugly, legally. I just want to be sure and educate myself on what the laws are in my state, especially since we were not married so that the kids are protected.

As I pass various milestones of plans that we had for this year (such as our Ireland trip), things get hard. But I have such a great support network that I know I will get past this. I just wish I was already there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sat, 05-10-2008 - 2:48am

I'm wondering how old are you guys?


I'm going to say I don't envy your situation, in fact I sympathize with it.

Thanks, Justin