how to rekindle a marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
how to rekindle a marriage?
1
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 1:16pm
Im just looking for advice here I guess. I'm not too happy in my marriage lately. I'm 26, been married 3 years, have 2 kids (6 and 1). We used to be really happy. Lately, I'm bored, not attracted to my husband, he's boring, doesn't want to go out, wants to watch tv all night, every night, I don't know, there are a lot of things that I could complain about but I won't. Sex is good and we have it a lot, even though I have to try a lot of times to be into it. Mostly, I'm turned off by how he initiates sex. Most of the time, I have to really initiate it, but he always wants it without of fight, of course. I work out a lot and recently my body has started getting into pre-pregnancy shape again. I'm working really hard at my job, I do ALL the housework, all the kids stuff, and I work out a lot too. He NEVER compliments me. I would love just one compliment occassionally about me getting back into shape again, or that I'm doing a good job with the house and family and work and stuff. But, he acts indifferent towards me. I've tried talking to him about what's wrong, he says nothing is wrong. He just seems distant to me and its making my feelings about him even worse. I'm going to try a few things, like scheduling a surprise babysitter every couple of weeks and arranging a date for us. I feel like we need to fall in love again. I'm going to try to get him to turn off the tv at night, open a bottle of wine and play cards or something. I have some other ideas as well. I'm wondering if these things will even work though and wondering if anyone has any better suggestions. Also, because of him not seeming interested in sex so much or my new body or anything, I'm cutting him off. I don't think this is the smartest thing in the world, but if he wants to have sex, he's going to have to romance me a little or do something. I'm not going to be his little trophy wife who gives it up 6 days a week and gives oral whenever he wants, and not expect any romancing in return, you know? I don't know. He does please me in bed, its always his main concern. But I just need more than that. So, last night he tried to have sex and I told him I was tired and going to bed - that I had a lot to do the next day, as usual, and I needed my sleep. He didn't bother me again, but I'm just hoping he'll get the point. Do you think he will? Any advice would me great. thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 12:26am

Welcome to the board, Babydollcd ~


I know I'm not you, but if it were me, I'd want a lot more than dates and attention. I'd be plenty tired of running triple time while he sat back. The kids aren't just yours and neither is the household work. I'd want a partnership and a father who was involved with his children -- and that means taking care of the mundane day to day things that kids require. I'd be more than a little angry about it and I'd be fed up with working my butt off while he did his "day job" then sat back. You're okay with being the workhorse while he watches you do it all?


As far as the rest of it goes, I think you're on the right track, but I can almost promise you he'll "just get it" unless you flat out tell him. You've been frustrated for a a while now and he hasn't "got it", right? It's pretty standard that if you want something to change you'll have to flat out tell him what you want. Trying to convey the message any other way isn't very effective. I know you've asked him "what's wrong" and he insists nothing's wrong, but have you approached it from what's wrong in your world? Have you said, "Honey, I'm concerned/frustrated/worried about us, we never do anything anymore. I miss you, I miss us; I want us back and I'm afraid if we don't do something to stop this distance that keeps growing we'll lose each other completely." I think it's important to lay out for him what you see as warning signs and problems and where your unhappiness lays. If you just ask him what's wrong, how will he ever know what's wrong in your eyes? A conversation like that should be somewhat planned. It needs to start when there isn't a current problem between you or it'll just end up being a fight, and that's not what you want. He needs to know it's coming so he doesn't feel attacked, cornered or blind-sided by it. You can do that by telling him you have some problems you need his help with and you'd like to talk to him after the kids go to bed. Having uninterrupted time is important, so try as best you can to start it when you're as certain as you can be with a one-year old that you'll have a good block of time to talk. Telling him ahead lets him prepare for a talk, telling him you have a problem you need his help with puts him an active listening, helping mode rather than a defensive mode. Covering those bases will only help assure you have a constructive discussion. When you're talking be sure to use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. Saying, "I feel like our relationship is falling aside" sounds less blaming than "You never pay any attention to me anymore". This may all be stuff you already know, but it's important so I thought I'd mention it.


In your original post you said he rarely initiates sex anymore and that you're turned off in how he initiates sex, but in your response to Hrscrzy68 you indicated he was overweight and that turned you off, I assume you've got both of those things working against you, yes? If that's true, it could be that part of the reason he doesn't initiate is because he either feels self conscious about how he looks, or his weight/health is having an effect on his sex drive. As far as his weight goes, I'd suggest reading my answer to her on that and the link I provided for another post on the subject. I also think in doing more things together he might lose some weight. You might consider incorporating some exercise-oriented activities, walking, biking, join a gym, etc. I think sex is something you need to talk about too. Being turned off by his technique isn't helpful and I think as time goes on you'll get more turned off, frustrated and exasperated as his technique continues. This is another area that can't change without some help. Have you talked to him about what you like, what turns you on, etc? Beyond that, have you talked to him about your concerns about sex? I think another important talk you need to have at some point is his lack of initiation. Saying something like, "I feel like I'm not attractive to you because you hardly ever initiate sex anymore and that concerns and frustrates me.", is entirely appropriate and I think necessary. Sex can be a harder subject to talk about, especially when you're talking about your dissatisfaction. Men's egos are fragile around this subject (unless yours is a guy who's pretty free and easy with talking about your sex life) and needs to be approached carefully and with much sensitivity. That doesn't mean it shouldn't be done -- it should. But in talking about this subject I would definitely let him know ahead not only that you needed to talk but that the subject was going to be sex. Sex talks shouldn't happen in the bedroom and you probably shouldn't have the sex talk too soon after the other talk, that would probably make him feel overwhelmed and like a total failure! I'm curious, has his technique changed or has it always been the same? If it's the same, has it always turned you off? Have you talked about it before?


I think you're really on the right track with focusing on doing things together. It's really easy to get into a rut of doing the same thing day after day, night after night and usually that rut involves not being emotionally or physically close. You have kids, house, responsibilities, and that all gets in the way too, it's easy to put your relationship aside while you focus on "more important" things -- the things that need to be done 'right now', when really your relationship is the most important thing and won't stay strong if neglected. I'd also think you doing all the work around there wouldn't do much for positive feelings in your marriage. I think you're missing the boat by making all these plans for change on your own. Why not talk to him about your concerns, have him see the problems and together decide what to do about it. After all, it's his marriage too, and he should be aware of problems and concerns and be an active part of resolving them. Instead of surprising him with a night out, why not have him help plan it? Why would you want to take on the job of restoring your marriage by yourself? It's about both of you and both of you should be involved, don't you think? Not only that, but you're already doing everything, why would you want to add another job to your already too-full plate? If you feel like you're not getting anywhere in trying to improve things, or if you feel like the two of you need some help with it, I'd suggest seeing a counselor or therapist licensed in a field of couples therapy (the license is critical, counselors without the license should be avoided at all cost)


I know I've written way too much (sorry), but I want to give you links to some articles from our Information and Resources section that might help you:


Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Referrals For a Qualified Therapist
Your Therapist/Counselor's Credentials
Making Your Marriage an Adventure
Do You Give More Than You Get?
How to Keep Your Relationship Strong
Steer Clear of Relationship Potholes

Hope some of this helps!





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