Fiance' and Family!!!!!!!!
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| Wed, 06-15-2005 - 11:45am |
Hi all,
Just want to drop by and say hello to you here.. and well, tonight i have a little problem here..
the fact is that I and my fiance' went to dinner with a very good friend of my family and really these people are like the family to me too because they have been seeing me since i was a kid and i was growing up in a single parent family (my mum). so, I was very close to them and respect them like one of my parents. however, as they are very religious, so when i moved out of the house to the city and live with my fiance' i did not tell them.
tonight is the first time they met my fiance'. My fiance did not tell them that we are now living together but I'm afraid that at the wedding (he will be our priest to marry us) when they find out that we have been living together before then it will turn out very bad on my relationship with them.. are there anyway I can fix this or should i just tell them.. but will they be able to accept it?
By the way, this couple they have no children, they are now 62 and 57 and I am always like a daughter to them.. even tonight my fiance' feel that they talk to him like they are my father and mother .. please help me out what are the good ways to handle this..
Thank you very very much,
Kathy

Welcome back, Kathy
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Kathy, I think this is a situation that there isn't one right or wrong answer to. A lot of how you choose to deal with this depends on you and your personality, what you feel the impact will be to the family friends and which course of action you think will have the best result.
Some questions -- are you at all ashamed of living together with your boyfriend? Are there others who you keep this a secret from? If the answer is "yes", then it seems you're not living in a way that you feel is right or that you can stand up and be proud of. If that's the case, I'd stop and think about what living in a way that was against how I really believed was affecting me morally.
Have you discussed this with your mom? Since they're friends of hers, she probably has a pretty good idea what their view would be and she might be the best person to advise you.
My across-the-board policy would be to always be able to be up front and honest about what you're doing and the way you're living. My thought is if you can't stand up and be honest and proud of it then you have no business doing it in the first place. But, if telling these people would serve no purpose but to upset them, there's no point in that either. I would think though, if it's likely that they'll find out one way or another, you're better off telling them yourself than to have them be embarrassed and shocked by hearing about it another way. I also think you're looking at this as though you've been purposely deceiving them and hiding this from them. Couldn't it just as easily be a case where it's simply something you didn't think to mention to them? I mean, it's not exactly like you send out announcement cards when you move in with a guy! It would seem normal that they wouldn't be aware and it wouldn't that you've been hiding it or deceiving them because of it. What do you think, Kathy? What are the chances that they'll find out? Do you think he'd refuse to marry you if he knew? That's an important one. If he would, then I think you owe it to him to tell him, having him do something he would feel wrong about if he knew the truth is wrong, I think. What feels right to you? What do you think their reaction would be if they knew? They may be older, but people have been living together pretty regularly for the last 30 years. Just because he's a priest and they're religious doesn't necessarily mean they would be shocked or frown on your choice; several years ago when I was living with my boyfriend my priest and his wife were well aware, welcomed him and included us in parish camp outs. My priest was in his 60's too.
What does your fiance think? Is he willing to try to keep it from them if that's what you think is best? What feels like the right thing to you?
How is your boyfriend doing? Does this post mean your wedding's back on as originally planned?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hello.. kathy again here.. well I think that you are right about it.. I mean what are the worse thing could happen here if i tell them huh.. for my personal belief, i used to be very conservative as growing up in a very strict catholic broading school.. now that I grow up, i feel a little guilty in living with someone before marry but ibecause i have decided that I don't want to follow my parent's mistake (divorce) so I want to live with someone and learn about that person in some certain aspects first before decide to get marry. so i guess if i choose to do this then i should be more open to it and not to ashame about it..
also, i think it make sense that you said that even though those two are the priest, religious and older, it doesn't mean that they can not accept this at all. I think I'll have to tell them sometime.. maybe next month when I'll be spending my one week holiday with them up north..
anyway, thank you again.. and for my boyfriend.. he is now quite okay.. he is back to his normal life however there could be a day that he wake up and feel sad ( like last sunday). His parents call him and support him a lot. also they tell him to get on with his life and the wedding plan (because they are living in other country so they need to plan when to come). anyway, i guess that because of his job that keep him busy as well so he is getting better.
Me, i also find some other things to do that i'm interests in and so I relay less on his attention to my every needs.
well anyway.. after his ex passed away.. he told me that he will not forget her even though people around him like their old friends seems to for get about her.. i told him that we'll remember her together and yes we planed to do merits for her such as go to orphans house and give them foods and toys or go to visit her grave on her birthday... so, it is kindda okay now..
anyway cl-2nd life, I will have to say that yes our lives are back on the track and I can start my wedding plan again.. thank you for worry about me and as always.. I like this board the most
Cheers,
Kathy
Kathy
I'm glad I was able to help you decide what you think is the right course of action. Let me know how it goes.
I'm glad your fiance is better. It's perfectly normal to continue to have an occasional bad day, for me they seemed to come right when I thought I was completely over it, then *BAM* out of nowhere I'd be deep in my sorrow again. I think it's perfectly normal for friends to seem to forget, and I would be surprised if he ever did. She was a big part of his life at one time, they shared a lot. He'll never forget her; he wouldn't if she were alive, he won't just because she's gone. You're great to be understanding and supportive of that.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"