Marriage on the verge of Divorce Need
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Marriage on the verge of Divorce Need
| Wed, 06-15-2005 - 5:28pm |
6/14/2005 was my two year anniversary with my husband. I did not celebrate this day in my heart, and somewhat phsyically. Although I did give my husband a card and a present, I had bought them prior to our troubles starting to go out of control. Currently I am visiting my parents, and I left the morning of our anniversary to go. I did not say goodbye, just went ahead and left. Although he knew, because of what I wrote in the card. He did not stop me and ask me to stay and leave the following day like the trip was planned. Instead I only recieved a call stating drive safe, and call me when you get there. The things between us have gotten harder and harder since moving. We just moved from where we had my family, where we met, and where my husband was stationed prior to meeting me, this is where we had our first child, and we lived in a house for almost two years. We had things easy back then, but to be honest, we thought they were hard. Only because he was going underway or working long hours. He is now on Shore duty, and we see each other each and every day. We moved into a two bedroom townhouse, and lived there for a little over a month. Due to problems with our landlord, we moved out, and moved into a small two bedroom apartment that is more expensive, but, in a better area. I currently do not work, due to many reasons. We do have trouble with finances, but we manage to get by. The big issues between my husband seemed to unravel when we moved into the apartment. It started with him going out one night, and deciding to stay out untill 3 in the morning. He did not call, he never told me what time I might expect him home. That very day, was stressful for me. Money, our son, and just the plain feeling of being left out. Since moving into the apartment,there has been maybe a total of 1 hour per day that I have been away from my son. I love my son with all of my heart and would not trade him for anything. I want to go to work, but again for many reasons this is not possible right now. Our alone time, is rare, but when our son is asleep, my husband insists on watching television or doing something else alone. The few times we have gone out when we had family visiting, it was to a casino, and we weren't near each other majority of the night. We haven't had a night to ourselves in awhile. My husband has always picked going out with friends, over having a night out with me. Although he is more than happy to just stay home and watch tv with me. He's never been good at communicating things to me. He won't talk to me, unless its about trivial daily things that happen. There's never been any feelings conversed, until now, and even now, he doesn't converse them to me. He's now saying he's confused, and I'm tired, I don't know if I can sit around and wait for him. When and if I go back I will be 400 miles away from family, friends. I literally have NOBODY except him and our son there. I do not know anyone. He began yesterday by telling me He still loves me but he doesn't know if its enough. After having a breakdown, I called him. I had to know what he meant by that. He then said he meant he didnt know if he loved me. So after two years of marriage, He doesn't know if he loves me. His job is not that stressful, although he does do LESS than he used to. But he has more opportunity to go to college. He's not happy with his job because he feels he's doing nothing. When he comes home from work, he sits on the couch and watches tv, he'll eat dinner, and then go back to the tv, unless he eats while watching tv. I broke down, and I told him how I felt, trying to explain exactly what he was putting me through. I'd cried all day, and couldn't eat all day, and still thats decreased. He says he doesn't want me to give up, but I've been living like this for several months now, and its started to take its toll on me. I told him If I didnt feel like things were going to work out that I'd be back over the weekend to get my stuff, and our sons stuff to move back here for good. Which I've told him meant that he there will be a divorce involved. He says after only several hours he misses me, but he's still not sure what is wrong. He's confused numb but the only thing that seems to make him happy, is going out with friends. I've asked him prior to things getting this bad, if that is what he wanted. If he wanted to be single. He had told me he thought it would be a good idea for me to move back to where my family lived, with our son, so I could work and go back to college. I don't know for sure if thats what he meant. There's so much more that has been left unsaid, any advice would be wonderful though.
Thankyou
Amie
Thankyou
Amie

Hi there, I've just read your post..
well I think I know how you feel.. it seems that you are a bit lonely there especially now that you live far away from your family and friends and so, your husband and your son become the only persons you are focusing on.
well, anyway I wanted to say that I kindda understand because it happens to me once not too long ago when I quit my job and have to stay at home full time. at then, everyday I was just staying at home doing some housework and waiting for my fiance' to come home, I lost in touch with friends at work and so my life everyday was just about what to cook for him for dinner and to wait for him to come home and listen to his work things.
at the time I felt that I haven't meet anybody new or have anything new to talk and share with him because I'm only stay at home.. well it was very bad and I was feeling so worthless and he (my fiance') could not understand how i feel at all. we were fighting a lot..
anyway, one day after those weeks i was depressing about our relationship.. I realized that what happen wasn't all his problem that he didn't have enough time to sepend with me (as i expected and needed.) even though he was then always tired after work sit in front of TV, and on weekend want to go out wit friends..
I realized thati wasn't happy with myself and how my life was going.. and it is hard to make my fiance' to become the only souce of my happiness because he is working very hard and at the end of the day i know that he isn't working for only himself but me and our future family as well.
so, i changed my lifestyle.. something that can make me feel better about myself.. instead of staying at home and feel sorry for myself, I start to talk to neighbors, start a new cooking recipe and bring over to my neighbor (don't get me wrong we also live in a apartment as well.) there are some neighbors that are around and also I start to exercise to make me feel beter as well.. and i attend the yoga class sometime to meet some new people.. and i went to the libraly to borrow some books to read
anyway it was much better after that as at the end of the day I am now much happier with myself and i don't rely on him as the only souce of my happiness or only my social life.. on the weekend when he is going with friends, I sometime go with him amd meet his friends' girlfriends. sometime if i feel that I want to spend time with him more on the weekend i told him to invite his friends and their wife to come to our place and we'll have dinner or order pizza and watch a movie together..
I think you just have to find some other things to fulfil your daily life other than taking care of your son and waiting for your husband to come home.. after you are happy with your life then it might be a better time to talk about your love with your husband..
wish you all the best!!
Kathy
Kathy
I think what the first poster said is a really good idea. I think that often relationships sort of break apart when one person is unhappy, not with the other person, but with themself. I know that this has happened to me in the past. I think maybe you should try and "work" on yourself for awhile. I think it would lift your spirits and make you feel as though your life has more purpose, which will most likely benefit your relationship as well.
I think, at the end of the day, a relationship is a two way street. Both people need to contribute, so he has to also want to make it work. From what you said, however, I think it's possible that your husband may have "fallen out of love" with you because you are just not the same as you were when he met you and instead of the two of you growing together, you've grown apart. I don't think that means your relationship is over, I think you just need to work on it. Certainly there are things you still love about your husband, and there are things he still loves about you. So if you both want it to work, I believe that it can.
I think you should go out there and do somethings for yourself; things that are going to make you feel better about yourself. Make friends with your neighbors or the checkout people at the walmart, if that's what it takes. Take the focus off of your son a bit. I know you love him, but fixating on him is not what's best for either of you (you don't want to raise a total mama's boy or anything, trust me on that, there's one in my family and it isn't pretty). So, make your life more fulfilling and then spread your new energy and zest into your relationship. And, of course, talk to your husband and tell him what you need and what you will do to change things.
First, you. How are you doing now? I hope your friends and family are being a good support system for you, you need all the understanding and support you can get, this is tough on you. Is your son asking about his father or is he too young for that? How old is he?
I'm going to do some assuming here, so please let me know where I'm wrong, and where I'm right, okay? I'm guessing you spent a good part of your marriage apart, him out to sea, you at home with your friends and family and your baby. What's really hard about being married in the Navy is that he gets used to life as it is on ship, with his friends, responsibility when he's on duty, but his off time is with his friends, doing what he wants, no family, no relationship, no responsibility. You, on the other hand were moved from being in a place you were very comfortable and familiar, surrounded by friends and family and had lots of support to a place far away where you didn't know anyone. Your support was gone, your friends and familiarity were gone. You had nothing but your baby (24/7 -- argh!) and a husband who only wanted to veg in front of the TV or go out with friends. Not surprising why you aren't happy -- who wouldn't be miserable? So you're unhappy and it probably shows, you're probably complaining (you should) and the result is it makes him less happy to come home and be with you and more anxious to be out with his friends. Remember, all the time you've spent getting very used to being a responsible parent, he's spent the same time getting used to being irresponsible and carefree once his work hours were over. Does any of that ring true for you? Another scenario that is pretty common to Navy marriages is that you at home have gotten used to doing things your way, on your own (or with the help of your friends and family), but running your life, your house on your terms, your decision. He comes home, he's used to doing things at home his way and expects to jump back into doing that again now that he's back. Problem is, you've gotten very used to doing it all on your own -- your way. On one hand the guy doesn't like that his wife is running the show, on the other hand, she's used to doing it her way and sometimes sees him as intruding on her turf by trying to take over what she's been handling on her own for a long time. It becomes a battle of power and control and can be hard to come to terms with. I don't know if that plays a part in your problems or not. And I also don't know how long he was away, what kind of a partner or parent he was before he went out to sea, what your relationship was like before he left, etc. Knowing some of that would be helpful and would help in being able to offer you suggestions that fit your situation better. You said he doesn't communicate much, I assume that's nothing new and that he's never been great at being able to talk about what he's thinking, feeling, or what's going on, is that right?
I think you both got hit a pretty hard blow. Him coming home to a whole new reality that he's not used to and you losing the support of your friends and family and the familiarity of your town. He got responsibility dumped in his lap and you got a non-helping, unwilling husband and partner dumped in yours -- along with all the responsibility of being a mother and homemaker. I think he's confused, and I think a lot of it is that he's not used to all the responsibility that's right there on his shoulders the minute he gets home. I also think you're absolutely right. You've been home with your child 24/7 and you need a break -- bad. You need him to be an active partner in the household and an active parent to your child. You need his help, you need him to be there to take over for you, to work along side you and to be with you when the baby's finally down for the night. You need time without the TV or friends. You need time alone, by yourselves and you need time outside your apartment, away from the baby and those four walls that spell responsibility and work to both of you. You can't do that on your own, you need his help to get those things and to get your relationship back on track. How long has he been back?
What I don't think is that you'll be able to help your relationship by being apart. He'll get more used to being with his buds, for all practical purposes single and without the responsibilities of being a parent or a partner. You'll get more used to being without him, with relying on your family and friends, and with being in the town you're comfortable in. In order for this to work, you're both going to have to give in an uncomfortable way, you know? I think you need to tell him that if he's interested in saving your marriage he'll have to commit to trying. Would it be possible for you to leave your baby with your family and go up for a few days (when he has time off) to talk and get some of this worked out? I really think you need that. I also think it's really important for the two of you to see a marriage counselor to help you talk about this and get started on the right track, especially if he isn't great about talking. If you're like me, by now you're frustrated and angry and when faced with a guy who won't/can't communicate how he's feeling or what he's thinking they tend to get an earful of what I'm thinking and feeling -- and it ain't necessarily good! Check on base for the Family Service Center, helping with these kinds of problems is what they're there for. If your base is small and doesn't have a Family Service Center, contact the base Chaplain, he'll direct you where to go for help. The centers are (or at least were) run by civilians. Even if your husband isn't interested in going, it would be very good for you to go on your own. Obviously, it's best to go together, but there's lots you can do on your own that can help too. The kinds of problems you're having are pretty common in the Navy world, for the very reason that he's been out to sea and the reality of what he's lived is very different than the reality of the world you've lived. Coming back together (and a move on top of that -- also common in the Navy world) isn't easy or smooth. It's been a slap in the face for both of you. The folks at the Family Service Center understand very well and can really help. If your husband doesn't want to go on base for help, you can see a civilian therapist or counselor off base. But, in the kind of issues you're having, the Family Service Center is well versed in helping work through.
One thing I don't get though is why you can't work where he's stationed, but he says you should stay with your family so you ca go to school and work?
I think you need to tell him that you care more than to stay apart, that you want to make your marriage work and that all that will be accomplished by staying apart is you'll both grow more used to being apart, which will make divorce easier, not marriage. You need better/different communication and working together, not more time apart.
You might also post on the Military Wives board. There you should be able to connect with plenty of other Navy wives who have seen been through what you're going through and/or have seen it countless times. Let us know what you do and how it goes, okay? I know you're really hurt, scared and confused right now. For what it's worth, I don't think your husband means it when he says he's not sure he loves you, I think he's just as confused by what's going on as you are. Life has changed drastically for both of you and he hasn't adapted very well. A couple of articles that are very good and very helpful in having constructive discussions areVerbal Fencing With Someone You Love and Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Another article that might be good right now is Love Myths
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
So as of last night, he still had no reasons for anything.Although he says he misses me and he does love me, and he did say that after I said not to tell me he loved me unless he knew he meant it. This was said to him earlier in the day. I dont know what to believe anymore.
Anything else you can say to help? Thanks for the advice, and I was wanting to go home for fathers day so he could be with his son on that day, but he's told me not to come home till Monday. I'm confused as to why since I missed mothers day with our son...
Hey Aimee ~ Sorry to be coming back so late, it's near impossible for me to post from work and I'm on the West Coast so it's even longer than it should be. Tonight was "scramble" night. I got home from work had just enough time to read and respond to one post then out the door to drive to another town to pick up my daughter at her track club, then race back to her school just in time for a band concert. I'm home now (finally!) cup of coffee in hand, ready for board action.
I hate to do this to you, but it sounds like there's a fairly major issue that you haven't mentioned before. He lied to you? Recently? About what? Is that part of the reason you left? That could potentially make a big difference to the whole situation and could easily change a lot of what I'd say or think, can you fill me in?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hey Aimee, it looks like you don't want to talk about "the lie", which is totally your choice. Since I'm not sure you're still around I won't go into much detail, but I did want to say that it looks like you got married despite some pretty serious warning signs and some pretty significant personality and maturity differences too. From what you described, it sounds like all that is coming into play too, which makes for some very serious problems.
Considering all that I really, really urge you to work together with a therapist or counselor who is licensed for couples counseling. You'll need some good professional help to help the two of you wade through all the issues and differences to find a place where you can be happy and solid together.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
Edited 6/21/2005 11:48 pm ET ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Sorry for not replying, on Thursday night, about 2 am I decided to head back, only because I was really trying to fight for my marriage, My husband wouldnt call me back he had his phone turned off. So I left my son in Florida (it was 2am) and headed home to La. My husband and I got an entire weekend alone, plus now we've got the week alone and we'll head to get him this coming weekend. We are starting counseling sometime next week. the therapist is on vacation. We're going through a thing called onesource, who is giving us 6 free sessions with a civillian therapist, rather than get on a waiting list to go see a chaplin through the navy. We're working on our marriage, more so one day at a time. but we are getting along alot better, even if I am pointing out the things he is doing. He still has yet to fully explain alot of things he's said to me, he also has not told me the things im doing wrong for him. So I'm really thinking its just he felt like he wanted to be single. I think there's a possiblity of being over that. I hope at least. Thankyou everyone for all the help you've given me.
Hey Lostinslidell, glad to hear from you!
You've made some great decisions and moves. Going back to be with him was the right thing to do, nothing's going to get better staying apart. Leaving your baby with your parents was a good thing too, not only would it be difficult to focus on the problems you needed to address while taking care of the baby, and not only do you need a break from the baby, but the two of you needed some time together without the baby too. All that needs to continue on a regular basis, you having breaks and not being the only caregiver, and the two of you having time out together alone without the baby. Setting yourselves up for counseling is such a great step, it's really necessary to find the source of your problems and effectively work on them. His agreeing to go is a great indicator that he wants your marriage to work and is willing to work to make it strong. There's a lot of very positive things here.
Considering you've indicated he's been somewhat irresponsible as long as you've known him, I kind of doubt that all the problems are just about him forgetting what real life off the ship is like, I'm sure being shipside pushed it along, but I'm thinking there's more that needs to be addressed than adapting back to being a parent and a partner, but you'll figure all that out in counseling. Then there's the matter of the lie and that needs to be addressed in counseling too. I want to offer you one thought that you might find helpful in counseling. Sometimes in counseling with your partner you might find a subject or a concern that you want to bring up but you're not sure it's appropriate or are concerned for one reason or another. If that happens, I want you to know that a good option for helping you with those kinds of dilemmas is to ask for a session with the counselor by yourself. There you can air concerns and bring things up that you aren't comfortable or sure about bringing up with your husband present. It may be an obvious answer to you, but when I was in my early 20's, it never occurred to me and I was clueless as to how to/whether to address those things and I didn't want you to struggle with the same issue if you didn't have to. It's better to bring everything out so it can be addressed, otherwise you don't get the opportunity to get to the bottom of things, and you don't get the opportunity to completely address them either.
Best of luck, Lostinslidell and keep us updated on how you're doing, okay?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
Edited 6/23/2005 3:24 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"