Feeling torn...broke off engagement but.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Feeling torn...broke off engagement but.
4
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 4:45pm

Hi. I am 31 and my boyfriend is 27. We were coworkers/friends for a year then dated for a just over a year before he asked me to marry him. I have a nearly 7yo son from a previous relationship as well. It seemed like everything was great until he was halfway through the police academy and then he started breaking our dates to do academy stuff, even when it the academy stuff was NOT mandatory, nor did they even really need volunteers...he would go anyway just to see if he could "help out" with the other class. After a few weeks I started to feel ignored, left out, not a priority. I told him so and he promised to *make* time for me but instead he offered to babysit ds so I could get some sleep (I work night shift) and still broke *our* plans all the time.

After graduating from the academy things seemed to improve for a while and he began to keep our dates and keep his promises to me. Shortly after that he asked me to marry him and I said yes. Things seemed great again for a while until 2 weeks before we moved in together. Then all the same stuff started up again with breaking plans, putting other things ahead of me, etc. At one point his aunt told me that he was home playing video games and computer games all the time when he was telling me he was at the academy doing extra stuff there.

Well, we've been living together since April and things just have gotten worse and worse. We argue nearly daily and I tell him as plainly and clearly as I can that I feel like I don't matter to him when he breaks our plans or comes up with excuses as to why he can't spend time with me. He says he wants to be here with me but then never is. I *though* he finally understood and we made plans to go see the new Star Wars on Weds night. Well, Weds rolls around and he tells me he hasn't gotten his errands done and we won't have time for the movie and that he *thought* I wouldn't want to go anyhow because of babysitting issues with ds. I had already told him the day before that I had ds taken care of and that I *really* wanted to go out with him. He came up with excuse after excuse about why the movie would be a bad idea. Finally he suggested just dinner instead but even then had excuses. So, I told him I was going to go do errands of my own and to call me on my cell when he knew what he wanted or would be willing to do. He said he would call me to tell me what restaurant to meet at for dinner and to tell me what time.

Well, one of us had to be home by 8pm which is when ds's dad was bringing ds back home. I told bf this and he seemed to understand that we had limited time to get our errands done and meet for dinner. We still had plenty of time do something though. So, I went out and did errands and still had tons of time left until 8pm. I went to Starbucks and got some coffee and worked on homework (I go to school part-time, work full-time). I was mostly killing time to see if he'd keep his promise to call about dinner plans. Finally, at 7pm he called to ask if I'd like to go to Jamba Juice and then he'd make salads at home for dinner. I said fine and asked how long until he'd get to Jamba Juice (I was right next door already). He said he'd be there shortly. I expected him in 10 to 15 minutes as he was calling from home and we live maybe 5 minutes from there. 10 minutes rolled by, then 20, then 30. I called to find out where he was and remind him that one of us had to be home for ds very soon by that point. He said he'd be just another minute. Well, by the time he finally showed up we had just enough time to get our smoothies and that was it...we had to leave and go back home. He spent all the time we were supposed to be together at the grocery store instead.

When we got home he told me that he'd been thinking a lot and that he realized that all the things I've been telling him are right...that he makes excuses, isn't there for me, doesn't treat me like a priority, etc. and that he doesn't know why he keeps doing it, including going to the store instead of meeting me as promised. He said that he felt like maybe we aren't ready to get married but that he still wants to be with me and wants to work at fixing this. So, our engagement is off for now...we were supposed to get married in October.

I do love him but the longer he goes breaking promises the less I trust him adn teh less I want to be with him. Any ideas on how to fix this or work towards fixing things? I don't know what to do as I've told him what I want in no uncertain terms. I was as clear as I could be and as forward as possible. He, however, is usually totally silent and won't tell me what he wants or what he is thinking. When I ask him about work he just says if it was a good or bad day. His family and friends will ask him *exactly* the same questions I ask and he goes on and on to them about it all...

I just don't understand why things changed so much. The first year, before he was in the academy was great. It just seemed like he changed dramatically when he was about halfway through the police academy and then he changed completely after asking me to marry him.

Any ideas? I'm not ready to give up or give in because he is capable of being amazing and wonderful and caring...I'd like to get back to teh place where he treats me that way.... He treats my ds as if ds is his own child and is extremely loving and caring towards him. He treats ds better than he treats me anyday...maybe he wants to be a dad more than he wants to be a husband, or even boyfriend?

Sigh...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 7:26pm
OK. For your son's sake (and yours) live apart from your boyfriend and go back to dating him. If your bf gets his act together and you two decide to get married, DON'T LIVE WITH HIM UNTIL AFTER THE WEDDING.
This has got to be confusing as hell for your little boy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 9:10pm
I am 31 and just called off my wedding too. I just posted, check it out. The people on this board are so supportive. You came to the right place. Hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 2:32am

Welcome to the board Medicalmama ~ I think you'll find that we are supportive here, but we won't whitewash the situation, you're apt to find a bunch of folks who will call it exactly as they see it and sometimes that's not what you'd really like to hear.


I hear you say that you're not ready to give up on your relationship and that's fine -- it's your life to live however you choose to live it and you're the one who decides what makes you happy and what doesn't. I do have to agree with Ivdarian though, whether your bf is good to you son or not, this is not a good situation for him to be in. It's confusing, sends him bad messages and is not a good environment to be growing up in. I'd agree that at least for the time being, until you get these problems worked out, living separately would be best; for your son, but for you as well.


Here are the warning flags that I see:

  • You dated for a year then things started to change. At 31, I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but this may be an aspect that hadn't occurred to you, Lord knows it's hard to see things when you're in the middle of them. The first year of a relationship is pretty much the "honeymoon stage". Both men and women tend to try a little harder, act a little nicer, basically put on their company manners in an effort to make a good impression on their bf or gf. Nothing unusual about that, we all do it, it's normal. At some point, and most typically it's somewhere between the nine to twelve month mark, both parties begin to relax a little and you begin to see more bad habits, less attention to detail, they become more of who they really than you've seen before. Men often have a twist here where they're also often intent on the "chase" and work harder to "catch" the woman. Once the woman is "caught", (they perceive that the relationship is secure) the intent need to "perform" by showering the woman with whatever the guy felt he needed to do to get her goes away and they fall back to who they really are -- who they are without a relationship. It's really typical for us to get posts from women at exactly this stage of the relationship, upset, unhappy and confused because suddenly, after a year of dating their guy isn't acting anything like he's acted all along. All of a sudden he never wants to go out (or hardly ever), he never has time for her, wants to go out with his buds or go off and do his own thing instead. These women are upset and confused because their bf's have spent a whole year spending nearly every waking hour with them and suddenly, they're spending hardly any time at all. It's really common. Your description sounds exactly like that and it happened at the same stage of the relationship too.
  • He says he wants to spend more time with you but ends up putting you off after all.Actions speak louder than words. Nothing is holding him back but himself, he's choosing what he does and what he doesn't do. Despite what he says, his actions clearly say you're low priority. If you take exception to that, it can be reworded to say, volunteering at the academy when they don't need help and playing video games is a higher priority than you are. You've told him you're unhappy and dissatisfied yet he continues to put you last. That has to tell you the level of concern and care he has to your happiness and satisfaction. About five years ago I had a boyfriend like that too. We'd gone out for about a year and it was great. Suddenly we went from talking and doing things all the time to him coming home from work and plunking down in front of the TV until it was time for bed. Very little interaction, discussion, or anything. I voiced my concern that our relationship was slipping. I voiced my unhappiness. We'd discuss it and agree to work harder to bring our relationship back to the level it had been before and I made it clear that I needed to see him taking the initiate to work on our relationship. It would improve for a week or so, then back to the low that had become normal. I told him, "You may be satisfied with the relationship the way it is, and if that's enough for you, great. But, it's not enough for me and if this is where it's going to stay, it's not enough for me -- I won't stay." Reality is I was fighting against the real him. What I'd seen in the year before was great, was what I wanted, but it wasn't the real him. He was shocked when I left and begged for "another chance", however, I'd seen enough to know full well that any change he'd make would only be temporary and we'd be right back to the level I wouldn't accept.
  • "I'm not ready to give up or give in because he is capable of being amazing and wonderful and caring...I'd like to get back to the place where he treats me that way...."You can't change this. It's his to fix or not. This is out of your control. You can't make him want to be with you or treat you like he used to. Nothing you can do can influence what he chooses to do. He's deciding here. You may want to "get back" to where you were, but you can't go back. I know this seems silly. But a relationship moves forward, not back. He's already moved beyond that. Spending an ounce of your time focused on "getting back" to where you were is a waste of your time. You've changed since then, he's changed since then, your relationship has changed since then, you've had new experiences, new realizations both together and separately that mean that even if you could transport your current selves back there it wouldn't be the same because neither of you are the same. Make sense or did I lose you? But most of all you need to see that you can't make him treat you different, you can choose what you do based on how he treats you, but you cannot control what he chooses to do. You can only control yourself, not him, and clearly, he is choosing. Your statement also smacks a little of "potential", as in, "I don't want to leave, I can see what a great guy he could be". Staying for potential is deadly. You'll grow old, unhappy, frustrated and disappointed waiting for him to make a move towards his potential. Potential should only be a reason to stay if they're actively making strides to reach their potential. We all have potential we don't use, every one of us. Staying because someone might choose to use theirs when they aren't making improvement in that area isn't logical.
  • "He treats ds better than he treats me anyday." Why would you stay with a man who doesn't treat you as well as he treats anyone else, as well as you deserve to be treated? Sacrificing being loved, respected and cared for is not something that anyone should settle for. Consider what this does to your son. Children learn what is correct, normal, and appropriate from how they live, from watching the adults they live with. Your home is your son's classroom for how to live as an adult. He's learning that what happens there is "normal" and typical. He's learning how to be a man from your boyfriend (and his father as well) and he's learning what to expect and look for in a wife/gf from you. Fighting nearly every day means your son is seeing daily fights as normal and expected, it's how things should go (it also means he's not seeing or learning compromising, constructive discussions and problem solving). He's learning that men can do whatever they want and women have to wait, don't get what they want and are unhappy and complain a lot. He's learning that men don't have to treat women very well -- after all, your bf treats you ds better than you, and your son is learning how to treat women by watching how your bf treats you. He also sees you accept that level of attention and affection, so it must be enough and appropriate. By accepting less than is acceptable and less than you want, you're sending the message that you (women) aren't worth more and shouldn't expect more. Kids learn what they live. If you want your son to grow up to replicate this relationship, then stay. If you want him to have a better, happier, healthier, more loving and respect-filled relationship you'll have to show him that kind of relationship, or show him no relationship at all. You can teach him more about respect, love, sharing and being respectful of others on your own than you can in a relationship that teaches otherwise. All that aside, imagine living as a child in a home where there are daily fights, and even if you hide the fights from him, he feels the tension, the upset the anger. My ex-husband and I almost never fought in front of the kids, yet my son (then seven, now 17) and I had a conversation just a few weeks ago where he told me he had been well aware of the fights. You don't hide it from kids even if you think you do.

    Good for you for having broken the engagement, marrying into a situation that you're not happy or satisfied in would absolutely be a disastrous mistake. How long has this behavior change been a around? I'd suggest putting some real thought into what you want in a husband and a partner and be very certain what you're getting lives up to your ideals, whatever your ideals are they aren't unreasonable, but you do have to find the right man. I'd also suggest telling him you're not happy or satisfied with this as it is and that you feel moving out will be best until the problems are resolved. Not a threat, but a sensible action under the circumstances. I would set a time frame to expect real improvement and when that date comes up, take another assessment and see if there has been real change and improvement. If there hasn't, it's pretty clear this is the way things are going to be. If there is real change, I'd suggest living apart for a good long time (like more than six months) so you can have time to see if those changes are merely a show to draw you back in. Listen to your gut, you may not like what it tells you, but it won't lie to you. If, despite your head trying to convince you this is all wonderful your gut says otherwise, listen to it.

    As usual, I've been way too long and I apologize for bombarding you. We had a post quite similar to yours recently. The post and responses might be helpful/insightful to you, you can find it here: Am I a priority?

    As I said before, it's your life, you define what makes you happy, what you want and don't want, what defines a happy, good relationship for you, no one else. But it's important to remember he is who he is and he makes his own choices. The only person you can control and make choices for is you. Making choices based on what you observe from him is sensible and in your best interest. Settling for less than what you want shouldn't be an option, you deserve it all.




  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert




    Edited 6/17/2005 2:49 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Mon, 06-20-2005 - 1:07am

    Since the posts bump up when they're responded to, you might have to look a little to find Cameron22's post. To make it easier to find, I'll post the link to it for you here:
    It's over and it's ok

    How's it going for you? I hope you're doing okay.





    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"