Feeling torn...broke off engagement but.
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| Thu, 06-16-2005 - 4:45pm |
Hi. I am 31 and my boyfriend is 27. We were coworkers/friends for a year then dated for a just over a year before he asked me to marry him. I have a nearly 7yo son from a previous relationship as well. It seemed like everything was great until he was halfway through the police academy and then he started breaking our dates to do academy stuff, even when it the academy stuff was NOT mandatory, nor did they even really need volunteers...he would go anyway just to see if he could "help out" with the other class. After a few weeks I started to feel ignored, left out, not a priority. I told him so and he promised to *make* time for me but instead he offered to babysit ds so I could get some sleep (I work night shift) and still broke *our* plans all the time.
After graduating from the academy things seemed to improve for a while and he began to keep our dates and keep his promises to me. Shortly after that he asked me to marry him and I said yes. Things seemed great again for a while until 2 weeks before we moved in together. Then all the same stuff started up again with breaking plans, putting other things ahead of me, etc. At one point his aunt told me that he was home playing video games and computer games all the time when he was telling me he was at the academy doing extra stuff there.
Well, we've been living together since April and things just have gotten worse and worse. We argue nearly daily and I tell him as plainly and clearly as I can that I feel like I don't matter to him when he breaks our plans or comes up with excuses as to why he can't spend time with me. He says he wants to be here with me but then never is. I *though* he finally understood and we made plans to go see the new Star Wars on Weds night. Well, Weds rolls around and he tells me he hasn't gotten his errands done and we won't have time for the movie and that he *thought* I wouldn't want to go anyhow because of babysitting issues with ds. I had already told him the day before that I had ds taken care of and that I *really* wanted to go out with him. He came up with excuse after excuse about why the movie would be a bad idea. Finally he suggested just dinner instead but even then had excuses. So, I told him I was going to go do errands of my own and to call me on my cell when he knew what he wanted or would be willing to do. He said he would call me to tell me what restaurant to meet at for dinner and to tell me what time.
Well, one of us had to be home by 8pm which is when ds's dad was bringing ds back home. I told bf this and he seemed to understand that we had limited time to get our errands done and meet for dinner. We still had plenty of time do something though. So, I went out and did errands and still had tons of time left until 8pm. I went to Starbucks and got some coffee and worked on homework (I go to school part-time, work full-time). I was mostly killing time to see if he'd keep his promise to call about dinner plans. Finally, at 7pm he called to ask if I'd like to go to Jamba Juice and then he'd make salads at home for dinner. I said fine and asked how long until he'd get to Jamba Juice (I was right next door already). He said he'd be there shortly. I expected him in 10 to 15 minutes as he was calling from home and we live maybe 5 minutes from there. 10 minutes rolled by, then 20, then 30. I called to find out where he was and remind him that one of us had to be home for ds very soon by that point. He said he'd be just another minute. Well, by the time he finally showed up we had just enough time to get our smoothies and that was it...we had to leave and go back home. He spent all the time we were supposed to be together at the grocery store instead.
When we got home he told me that he'd been thinking a lot and that he realized that all the things I've been telling him are right...that he makes excuses, isn't there for me, doesn't treat me like a priority, etc. and that he doesn't know why he keeps doing it, including going to the store instead of meeting me as promised. He said that he felt like maybe we aren't ready to get married but that he still wants to be with me and wants to work at fixing this. So, our engagement is off for now...we were supposed to get married in October.
I do love him but the longer he goes breaking promises the less I trust him adn teh less I want to be with him. Any ideas on how to fix this or work towards fixing things? I don't know what to do as I've told him what I want in no uncertain terms. I was as clear as I could be and as forward as possible. He, however, is usually totally silent and won't tell me what he wants or what he is thinking. When I ask him about work he just says if it was a good or bad day. His family and friends will ask him *exactly* the same questions I ask and he goes on and on to them about it all...
I just don't understand why things changed so much. The first year, before he was in the academy was great. It just seemed like he changed dramatically when he was about halfway through the police academy and then he changed completely after asking me to marry him.
Any ideas? I'm not ready to give up or give in because he is capable of being amazing and wonderful and caring...I'd like to get back to teh place where he treats me that way.... He treats my ds as if ds is his own child and is extremely loving and caring towards him. He treats ds better than he treats me anyday...maybe he wants to be a dad more than he wants to be a husband, or even boyfriend?
Sigh...

This has got to be confusing as hell for your little boy.
I hear you say that you're not ready to give up on your relationship and that's fine -- it's your life to live however you choose to live it and you're the one who decides what makes you happy and what doesn't. I do have to agree with Ivdarian though, whether your bf is good to you son or not, this is not a good situation for him to be in. It's confusing, sends him bad messages and is not a good environment to be growing up in. I'd agree that at least for the time being, until you get these problems worked out, living separately would be best; for your son, but for you as well.
Here are the warning flags that I see:
Good for you for having broken the engagement, marrying into a situation that you're not happy or satisfied in would absolutely be a disastrous mistake. How long has this behavior change been a around? I'd suggest putting some real thought into what you want in a husband and a partner and be very certain what you're getting lives up to your ideals, whatever your ideals are they aren't unreasonable, but you do have to find the right man. I'd also suggest telling him you're not happy or satisfied with this as it is and that you feel moving out will be best until the problems are resolved. Not a threat, but a sensible action under the circumstances. I would set a time frame to expect real improvement and when that date comes up, take another assessment and see if there has been real change and improvement. If there hasn't, it's pretty clear this is the way things are going to be. If there is real change, I'd suggest living apart for a good long time (like more than six months) so you can have time to see if those changes are merely a show to draw you back in. Listen to your gut, you may not like what it tells you, but it won't lie to you. If, despite your head trying to convince you this is all wonderful your gut says otherwise, listen to it.
As usual, I've been way too long and I apologize for bombarding you. We had a post quite similar to yours recently. The post and responses might be helpful/insightful to you, you can find it here: Am I a priority?
As I said before, it's your life, you define what makes you happy, what you want and don't want, what defines a happy, good relationship for you, no one else. But it's important to remember he is who he is and he makes his own choices. The only person you can control and make choices for is you. Making choices based on what you observe from him is sensible and in your best interest. Settling for less than what you want shouldn't be an option, you deserve it all.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
Edited 6/17/2005 2:49 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
It's over and it's ok How's it going for you? I hope you're doing okay.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"