It's over and it's ok

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
It's over and it's ok
5
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 9:08pm

Hi all,

I was here in February talking about problems I was having w my fiance's exwife. the CL leader was awesome b/c she remembered me from months before that, when I was dealing with the problem then as well.

I am here to say that although the ex wasnt the direct reason, unfortunately my situation did not work out and I have called off my wedding. That situation was just the tip of the iceberg. It turns out he was sleeping with his exgirlfriend (NOT the exwife, although after finding out about the exgirlfriend I did some phone bill sleuthing and came to realize he was calling her too, just like people tried to tell me). I know people come here to find comfort in their problems and I truly believe most people will find it. I just wanted to thank everyone for being so supportive, sometimes it means the world to have strangers understand why you stand by your man.

I found out my EX fiance was cheating w his exgirlfriend, doing hard drugs (I am very against all of that) lying to me about where he was, etc. I understand the power love holds, and most of the time it is a good thing. All I wanted to say was I am doing ok, and if for some reason all you girls decide to move on, it really isn't as bad as it seems. Waking up alone is still better than waking up alone and not knowing where someone is. I didn't realize how much I made excuses until I realized how much this relationship sucked the life out of me. I am 31 and totally starting over, and it feels good to look at myself in the mirror and know I deserve something more. I truly hope all your relationship problems get worked out and dont end up with someone like my fiance. I was on this board terrified to think about what could be happening and everyone was so great. Good luck to all of you and follow your instincts. Cam

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 4:09am

Hey Cam, it's great to see you again, but I'm so sorry about your relationship. What a blow, but it sounds like you're coming through with flying colors, not just okay but great. Stronger, clearer, and more sure of yourself, it sounds like you've come out of this with some very important realizations about the importance of what you want, need and deserve. And yeah, good relationships help you feel fulfilled and energized, if you feel like the life's being sucked out of you, that's a sign something big is wrong. But dang it's hard to see those signs when you're in the middle of it. As sorry as I am for what you've gone through, thank God you found out now rather than having married him. What a nightmare that would have been.


You're right too, it's scary to think about ending a relationship. Leaving emotion completely out of it, it's sad and can be scary to think about life without the person who's been a center focus. It's hard to see much but a big empty hole where he used to be, and big, black, empty holes don't sound fun, exciting, good or positive, who wants to chooses that? Given a choice between a guy who's less than what you want and a big empty place, the guy seems not so bad after all. But, like you said, the reality is that it isn't so bad, in fact, it's good. Not only that, but when you stick with the guy who's wrong you have zero chance of finding someone better; how can you find someone else when you're committed to "Mr. Not Adequate"? As scary as the thought of empty hours to fill on your own is, the thought of a life with someone who doesn't make you happy, really happy should be scarier. We matter that much. Like the saying goes, "When you settle for less than you want, you end up settling for less than you expected."


When did all this happen? When did you break it off with him? Sounds like you're doing really good, are you dealing with having been in the dark about what was going on? How are you doing?


(For those who need a refresher on Cam's previous posts, they can be found here:

Cliche Ex-Wife Issue - Input Helpful
Ex Back In Town





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 11:31pm

2nd life,

Great to hear from you.

Things started to get bad around the time of the super bowl day. After that I could tell people were distancing themselves from us, which was part of my paranoia of my behavior. He just didn't seem concerned enough and did not seem to appreciate the stand that I took. I have never been the type of person to ask people to feel sorry for me but my instincts (which can be SO inconvenient sometimes) were telling me to look harder, and if this person was to be my husband, why did drama follow us everywhere we went?

I kept an open mind as long as I could but he started drinking more than normal, not coming home, and not calling. I thought it was b/c he was laid off and was we were on different schedules, as I have a demanding job as a kitchen designer. I had a pocketful of excuses for everything. All my posts were true, his family was supportive, and he was as well when it came to his ex, but outside of that there were big issues.

I told him one night I wanted to take a break from the bar scene, and the gossip scene, and take some time for us. He didn't feel the same way and distanced himself from me more. It go to the point that not only did he not apologize for not coming home and not explaining, he would then blame me and make me feel bad for being upset. The whole manipulation thing.

It all came to a head in early March when he didn't come home all weekend and spent a Saturday night in that same bar that i got into it with his ex, without me, after we had gotten into an argument. Instead of coming home to work it out he went to the former scene of the crime and didn't care how I felt. She was there and he didn't seem to understand that it was a huge slap in the face to me. I decided to postpone the wedding the next day.
Came to find out the next days he was doing hard drugs. I called it all off then. Of course it is never that easy and I did still talk to him and wanted to believe he would change, but he really only wanted to change bc he wanted to come back home and have the comfortable lifestyle he had with me. I told him I would think about it, and a few nights later got his phone bill and did some checking. That is when I saw the several calls a DAY to his exgirlfriend. Over 1000 during a 10 month period. I called a friend who worked in the local gossip watering hole and asked if she heard anything, and apparently his exgirlfriend had been in that bar recently bragging about the fact that he and her will still sleeping together and she "felt sorry for that girl he was marrying." She said it in front of everyone. She also said "Didn't she wonder why he left her parents house on Christmas night?" Which he had done, and no one knew about that but me. He told me he was picking up his brother from the airport, but he actually went to meet her.

Later i found out he had been calling his exwife too, and although I was really mean to her I really don't regret it b/c she made sure the whole town knew, and played all cutesy w me. I have since stopped going to all these places, and realized how disfunctional it all was. The funny thing is I don't miss him at all anymore, I think i just miss the innocent trust I have always had with people. I hope it isn't gone forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 11:25pm

It sounds like you have good instincts that should not be ignored and they're only inconvenient as they don't allow you to live in a fantasy world that says everything's great when that's not really the case, huh? I'd say you've got a great built-in protection system and it sounds like you read it very well too.


I'm really sorry you had to go through it all, but thank God you didn't marry him. And what's up with your friend who'd heard this girl saying she was sleeping with him but didn't tell you about it? I don't know about you, but I'd rather take a chance on making an enemy out of a friend than let her marry some guy without knowing what was what.


I hear what you're saying, but I'm not so sure "blind innocence" is such a good thing to have. Your experience points that out, don't you think? I think expecting the best is a good thing, but I definitely think it's important to keep in tune for red flags and warning signs. I also don't think you have to have hard evidence to know things aren't right and it's time to call it quits. If things frequently seem off, you don't have to know more than that to say it's not the right situation for you. If it consistently or frequently feels off it means something isn't right, whether it's cheating or a difference of personalities and preferences or something in between; whatever it is, it's not working and it's not right for you. Whether there's actually anything inappropriate involved or not doesn't matter, the relationship isn't right for you, isn't comfortable for you, not like it should be, those warning feelings don't come up when it's right.


As hard as this has been it sounds like you've learned plenty and you did a lot of things right. Like postponing the wedding when things didn't look good (do you have any idea how many women would freak at the very thought of doing such a thing?!), like recognizing his so-called change was just an attempt to get back and not any real change at all. You did a lot of things that say you're a strong, intelligent woman who has a healthy amount of self-protection. You did a lot of things right for yourself, even though they didn't fit into what you wish could have been. I think that no relationship is a failure if you've learned something from it and it sounds like you've learned plenty that's very valuable and will make your future relationships healthier, cleaner and better for you. The whole drama aspect is one you'll be more alert to (good catch on the "why does drama follow us everywhere we go" piece, by the way), you've just reinforced your belief that your instincts are impeccable and you'll be more inclined to listen to them next time, and you'll be more aware of excuses you have at the ready for things that aren't right. What you've lost in blind innocence you've gained in healthy awareness and that's not a loss, that's a gain.


It is funny that you don't miss him, I suppose that means you were more focused on the drama and excusing it than the man behind it? It's easy to get off what the real focus should be when you're dealing with a lot of peripheral action; the shift can happen without you really being aware. I'm sorry you've been through such an incredible experience, but I'm soooo glad you didn't marry the guy. There's much better ahead for you. High five girlfriend, you did good.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 1:53pm

Thanks so much. I am not superhuman and I do have a lot of non-productive thoughts, but I think that is normal. Like thinking about all the times we were out together and who knew what was going on, as I am sitting there unknowing. I think it will take longer to get over the humiliation of being in the dark than it will to get over him. And I also like to think about what I would like to say t his exgirlfriend if I ever ran into her. I have held off on calling her b/c I know people like this would just get more satisfaction knowing I was riled up. It is very tempting though. I wasn't dating her so I can't blame her. I found out after we broke up that he had cheated on HER several times while they were together, so she can feel "sorry for me" all she wants, she is still involved with him after everything he did to her. And he was going to marry me! Obviously male attention is very important to her, and self esteem isn't as important to her as it is to me.

The friend who didn't tell me about it kept quiet b/c she tried to tell me 6 months into the relationship that she was hearing things he was up to, and he had explanatiions for all of them, so you know the rest of the story, I got upset w her. I am not proud of it. That was the other reason I wanted to post here, if your friends express concern and have legitimate reason, you owe it to yourself to check into it so you don't get hurt later. I know not every accusation is true but if your friend is a good one, she is probably just trying to make you aware.

My biggest obstacle right now is anger, and I know that will go away in time. I have made it very clear to him to not call me or come by, and he didn't listen for a while but now he is staying away. To this day he denies ever cheating on me. You are right, at this point it doesn't have to be proven, I say it was close enough. I have stopped trying to find out every little thing he did b/c it got too hard, and have put all my friends/ acquantenences on a "don't ask don't tell" promise, I already now enough so please refrain from the "oh I remember once he was doing this" type of thing. Doesn't help.
Most of my other boyfirends were good people overall so this is not the normal type I end up with. Once I stop being so mad, and my ego can get past the "You think you can do this to ME" stage, life will probably get way better. I am just going to take my time and not rush thru the process. Thanks for the supportive words. I know I am doing the right thing but the road will be a long one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 4:29am

I totally understand your feeling humiliated and more anger than any other feelings for him. No matter whether there was any sexual misconduct or not you were betrayed, pure and simple. You believed he was who he said he was, totally went with him on it, only to find that it was all a facade and you were living in a world that didn't even really exist. He betrayed your confidence, your belief, your trust, the relationship you had, common decency, and a lot more. And yes, you do feel a lot humiliated. From your point of view, there you were, totally in the dark, stupid smile on your face being lead around oblivious while everyone around you clearly saw the truth and just as clearly saw how clueless you were. I'm sure it didn't look like that from others perspectives, but from yours, I have no doubt that's exactly what it looked like. Yeah, it's hard to get past, hard to shake off, and yes, time helps. I've been in that kind of position before. For me, it was really hard to get my mind around for a long time; how could that happen to me? How could I be so blind? It throws you for a real loop, you can only look back at the blind you, picture the scenarios where the innocent you swallowed every line you were given and wonder how you could have bought it all without seeing a thing. It makes you feel very vulnerable and very numb, at least it did me. I felt like a there was a big hole inside me where "I" used to be, if that makes sense. I didn't quite get it before, but in your last post it clicked in for me. I totally get what you meant about losing your innocent trust, and I'm not sure you'll ever get that back. And while it's sad to have lost that, maybe it's better to have a little more awareness, a little more self protection, you know?


I think it's good that you've held off calling the ex-g he was fooling around with, I think you should do your level best not to make that call -- ever. I think initiating contact to give her a piece of your mind will end badly for you; she'll defend her actions, maybe rub your nose in the fact that your bf was with her; I just don't think you'll do anything but feel more humiliated. However, beings that I am mean and vindictive, I do think you could have a little one-liner prepared so that if you should run into her you could say something like, "I hope someday you feel you deserve better than someone who fools around on you; you do, you know." Of course, you'd have to be sincere in your delivery. She'd get the message without you ever saying a bad thing. That's what you want.


It's good that your previous boyfriends weren't cheaters, and the fact that you mention it says you're saying you don't see a pattern in the kind of guy you choose. That's good. If you're having trouble working through the betrayal, the blindness and the loss of belief in people (okay, men), I'd suggest you check in with a therapist to help you through it. It probably wouldn't take more than a few sessions and could be very valuable in helping you gain insight and see this a whole lot clearer; getting you through it much faster than wading through it on your own. Betrayal is difficult to get through and it can stick with you for life, being a part of every relationship you have if you don't get it handled effectively. If you feel at all that a therapist could be helpful, I'd urge you to take care of yourself and get some real help in guiding yourself through this.


I think I know right where you are and it's no fun at all. I hope you get through it soon.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"