Hey Doubleblade - You were right

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Hey Doubleblade - You were right
8
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 11:35am

I posted here a while ago and you said some things I totally disagreed with. My husband had just told me he had a gambling problem. Obviously, I was upset about that, but doubly so because my ex-h is an alcoholic. The thought that I'd chosen another addictive relationship really freaked me out, especially since I'd done a lot of work to make sure that didn't happen. In your response to me, you painted a picture of who I was and who my husband was. I totally disagreed with your description and told you so. I didn't at all like what you described.

But I'm back to tell you that not only have I had a lot of time to think, but I've also gone back to therapy and guess what I've come to realize -- you were right. I didn't see it at first, not at all, but I was exactly what you said I was even though I thought I was doing exactly the opposite of the picture you painted. It's been a hard pill to swallow and I'm still struggling with getting my mind around it, but it's there all right. Even though you knew it all along, I didn't and there it is. I thought it was only right to come back and let you know.

Thanks for your honesty, thanks to everyone here for their understanding and support, it really meant a lot. I can't tell you what it means to come to a board where folks give you their honest thoughts and feelings, even when it's not what you want to hear. Keep up the good work, guys.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2005
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 3:16pm
Since your counselor is so big on taking responsibility for your actions, then perhaps you should take responsibility and choose not to be with men who have problems like addictions and alcoholism. That would be the responsible thing to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 4:34pm

I don't have to eradicate my husband from my life, he's chosen to take responsibility for his addiction and is seeking help through treatment, both individual and group therapy. If he chose to continue active addiction, I would leave. For my part, through self examination and therapy I'm understanding what qualities attract me to an addictive personality, the reasons behind it, and as such would be better able to avoid choosing an addict again. I'm not saying I'm "all better", but I've made some good progress, my therapist says I have a good handle on what my issues are and I'm on my way. It's up to me to continue and to keep myself in awareness of my preferences. Each of us are working on our issues and we'll be stronger individuals and a stronger couple as a result. We're both taking responsibility for our actions and our situation and working from there.

Recognizing I'd chosen an addict again wasn't easy. I struggled with the fact and felt pretty depressed and "messed up" for a bit as a result. But you can stay in a pity party for so long, then it's time to get up and do something about it.

Taking responsibility for your actions is necessary in all aspects of adult life. "Poor me" doesn't fix anything, anywhere. Neither does avoidance or counter=blaming. You can't change who you've been or what happened to you in the past but you can change how it affects you, how you react and who you are today and tomorrow.

You're very angry, I truly hope you find peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2005
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 4:41pm

I have a lot of peace. You like judging other people, don't you?

And you are right. "poor me" accomplishes nothing. Unfortunately, that's why most people go to counseling. To get patted on the back with "poor me".

I am glad you are taking responsibility for your foolish actions instead of blaming the rest of the world like so many others who go the counseling route. Hopefully, what you are saying is not all talk, and you really won't *chose* to be with an addict again. Hopefully, you'll have more common sense in choosing the next man you marry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 5:03pm

You're not going to drag me into a fight, there's nothing to fight about. I meant what I said about hoping you find peace.

I would hope I've learned enough about myself to not make those kinds of choices again also. I further hope that my husband and I continue our positive forward movement so that there will be no need for making another choice. Things look promising in that area. We're all responsible for how we live as adults. We all make choices. Thanks for extending your hopes to me.

Best of luck for a peaceful, happy and satisfying life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2005
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 5:07pm

"I meant what I said about hoping you find peace."

If that's really what you meant and it wasn't sarcasm, then congratulations, you have gotten your wish!!!

Seriously, just because someone states that counseling is not for them, then it doesn't mean they "don't have peace". You should learn to be more tolerant of other people's choices.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 6:26pm

It's your anger and your antagonism that pretty much makes it obvious you don't have a lot of peace in your life, nothing else.

If you read my first post, you know that like you I did't agree with what was suggested about me, didn't agree at all. But with work in therapy and some deep introspection, I realized that what was suggested was true, despite the fact that I hadn't seen it and despite the fact that I didn't like it. I don't think even one, let alone six therapists have told you that abuse you experienced as a child is your fault. But, I do think if six therapists have all told you the same thing (yes, I know you don't like what they've said), it's time to take a real look at what they're saying -- it isn't coincidence that they all come to the same conclusion, just as I knew it wasn't coincidence that I married another addict. Uncomfortable or not you've got to take a look at what's obviously there or keep blinders on and continue to wallow in the same problems. They're the only choices any of us have.

If you feel you truly have peace in your life, then I hope you find much more. I think you'd be surprised how much more is out there. I can tell you before I had therapy the first time I thought I was a very happy person, but after going through therapy I realized my level of happiness had been much less than I'd thought. I hope you find a way to discover the same.




Edited 6/19/2005 6:32 pm ET ET by pandabu
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2005
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 6:57pm
What a shame it is that someone would take so much joy in hurting others.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 10:21pm

For those who aren't familiar with Pandabu's situation, you can find it here:
Addiction problem - again


I think you've found what I think is so great about this forum, that you get honest thoughts of a diverse group of people and as a result get a diverse response. Often I find I hear points of view I hadn't considered at all, there's a lot of learning and "aha's" to be had. You're right, too, often the answer that's the right one is the one we really don't want to hear. But, since growth and change only happens when you deal with the real issues as tough as it can be, dealing with them is the only way to change it.


It sounds like you're still doing quite a bit of struggling with it all. I hope you get through the tough spots soon. Onward and upward!





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