Finally gonna do it...kinda long

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Finally gonna do it...kinda long
5
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 1:29pm

I have posted here before under another name, but I've had some problems out of that email address so I had to change names. Background info: I'm 23, hubby is 27, no kids married for almost 3 years. Anyway.....my husband and I have been having some problems. It has gotten to the point to where I don't feel like I'm number one in his life anymore. We work different shifts and when we would have a chance to be together he'd rather spend it with his best friend than with me. I guess what is the final straw for me is what happened yesterday morning. My cat bit me on the foot really hard (about 3 weeks before this the cat bit my hand and I spent almost 2 days in the hospital), well I didn't think it was that bad til I got up Monday to go to work. When I tried to get out of the bed I about hit the floor cuz the pain was so bad. Oh yea its my right foot too. So I tired to get hubby out of the bed to take me to the doctor. He opened his eyes and was like what?? I told him I needed to go to the doctor and I wasn't sure I could drive myself, since it was my driving foot. He just kinda looked at me like you're crazy. I looked at him and said you don't think it's that bad do ya? He said no and turned over and went to back to sleep. He later told me he didn't get home from work til almost 6 so when I tried to wake him up he had been asleep for only about an hour. I wanted to say so what?!?!? If I say I need him then shouldn't he jump up and rush to be some sort of assistance?? I was talking to a good friend about all this and he asked me......are you sure your husband is IN love with you. When he asked me that I didn't know what to say. It has given me something to think about.

Well I guess I really just wanted to say wish me good luck. I'll see hubby Thursday and we're gonna have a long talk. I'm gonna see if he's willing to make some changes (me included cuz I know I ain't perfect) or maybe to go conusleing. I have been against divorce cuz I didn't think my family would support me in it, but my mother told me the other day that she knew that we were having problems and that something needed to be done, and that they supported me in whatever I decided to do. I never told her that anything was going on, must be mothers intution(sp?) or something. But it's nice to know that she and everyone else is behind me in this. Maybe it won't come down to that, we'll see how things go Thursday.

Thanks to everyone for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 2:47pm

Tarheel_girl's previously posted under the name poison_ivy_us.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 10:34pm

Tarheel, I could have passed off your husband's reaction to being sleepy and not responding in a coherent manner, but since I know from your previous post that you've been having problems for a year now I expect it's more than talking in his sleep.


Things haven't been right for you guys for a long time, and there are some incidents that were never really clear -- like the porn thing that he cried over. Honestly, when something happens that puts a big question mark in your head, and that question mark is answered with an explanation that doesn't add up, doesn't make seeing it as a question mark and start seeing it for what it is -- a red flag. If things don't make sense, don't add up, there's a reason. Sometimes the "doesn't make sense" thing will be treated as something that you personally just don't get. Sorry, but unless you routinely don't get things, that's not the case. Question marks (red flags) tell you something isn't right.


It's not too hard to recognize that a couple who you know and care about is having trouble, even if they don't say a thing about it. It shows in your body language, how you talk to each other, about each other, how you react (or fail to react) to each other, your tone of voice, your enthusiasm, changes in your desire to be together....lots of things; there's a difference between being happy and going through the motions of your relationship. Your mom probably had a zillion clues in a zillion areas.


I'm sorry about your cat bite. Cat bites are notorious for being highly infectious. I used to work in a veterinary hospital and anytime we got bit or deeply scratched by a cat we dropped everything and did some serious washing of the wound with betadyne soap. Even then it wasn't at all uncommon to wind up with an very infected wound. Cat scratch fever is a real illness. This cat has seriously bit you twice in the course of a few weeks. You're keeping it because....?


Either way I think it's good that you've decided to confront this and put it on the line. I think it's past time to take action on this one way or another. You've been unhappy, dissatisfied and things have been going downhill for a year. If he isn't interested in taking real action, working to repair your relationship and be partners in love and life again, you're better knowing it and moving on than living in what's much less than a real relationship. A couple of articles that might be really helpful in talking to him about this are Ten Rules For Fair Fighting and Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love .

If he agrees that he wants to work on your marriage, I'd urge you to move way beyond accepting a pat "we'll work on making it better". In order to make a real difference you'll need to have a plan in mind, know what will do differently. Otherwise it's easy to be "too busy" tonight or some other excuse to put it aside and before you know it everything's exactly the same as it's been. It's not a bad idea to have a check-in date too, say a month down the road to check your progress and adapt any action plans you have. Agreeing to see a counselor is by far the best action you can take. If you go, be sure any therapist or counselor who sees you as a couple is licensed in a field of couples therapy. Some therapists and counselors who are only licensed for individual therapy offer couples "as a service" but counseling a couple is vastly different than counseling an individual, it requires specialized training and licensing. Those who don't have it very often wind up doing more harm to the relationships they were trying to help. My therapist friends have asked me to always make sure that's known.

I'll be thinking about you on Thursday, let us know how it goes, okay?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 9:09am

I got rid of the cat Saturday not long after he bit me again. He didn't want to but I said the cat had to go. Thanks for the advice on making sure a counselor is licensed. I'll be sure to keep that in mind. I would have never thought to make sure of that. I'll be in touch to let y'all know how it goes.

By the way, good memory on remembering me from my pervious post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 9:05am
Hubby and I did have a talk yesterday. He knows things are on the line now. He said he didn't know he was hurting me and he was willing to do whatever it took to make things right again between us. I told him I was willing to give it a shot, but things had to change like me feeling I was number 1 in his life again. He told me he didn't realize I felt like that. Maybe I should have spoke up sooner who knows. We're gonna get away for the weekend. It's been over a year since we've done anything like that. So it's a start. Thanks again for all the advice and thanks for listening. I think things are going to be okay!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 10:34am

Good news, Tarheel_girl!








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"