Moving
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| Wed, 06-22-2005 - 11:15am |
Hey everyone,
I've been on here a couple of times asking for advice and you've all been very helpful in the past and so here I ask again...
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about eight months. He moved into my house (that I rent) around May 3rd. His oldest daughter moved in about 3 weeks ago. My two kids are visiting their grandparents 900 miles away for the summer -- we will pick them up July 15 and be back July 23. Right now his daughter is staying in one of my kids rooms. But come July 23 other arrangements will have to be made. We have talked about the situation and we decided we could make another room (a closed off dining room) into another bedroom by moving the dining room table and computer out of there. You know, at least until we find a bigger house. Situation solved?? I guess not...
In my boyfriends divorce process he agreed to make his ex-wife's house payment(their old house)in lieu of childsupport for their two daughters until the house was sold. It was pretty comparible in $$ amount. And his lawyer said it was the better deal because he could be responsible for child support plus half the house payment. So he opted to make the payment. Only to find out she really wasn't doing anything to get the house sold. So instead of making the house payment for her for the next 30 years he decided he would offer to purchase the house -- she would either have to sell it to him or be in contempt of court. She agreed to sell it.
So here we are now...
He is going to purchase a house that him and his ex-wife built together. The memories, good or bad, the ups and downs, the fun times, the hard times -- everything they went through is in that house. That is "their" house, "their" life. I don't know if I can move in. I feel horrible about this. But I don't know if I can get past it. He doesn't really want to move in -- but he feels (1)he can fix it up to get it sold -- though it's been on the market for over a year and only two people have looked at it and (2) it's better than paying rent/mortgage at two locations.
We also have another problem with this whole house thing... it is out of my kids school district. My kids do not want to change schools. They said if they had to change schools they would rather go back to Wisconsin (where their grandparents are). So my boyfriend suggested renting some dump just to have an address in the school district and transporting the kids to and from school ourselves.
As I said before he has two daughters. The one that is staying with us will probably moved back into her old bedroom -- what about the other daughter. How is she going to feel about one of "my" kids moving into her bedroom? I've tried to talk to my boyfriend about this stuff but I don't think he wants to deal with the questions right now. He tells me not to worry about it -- that it will all work out. But being in limbo, drives me nuts!!! Not knowing if we should fix up my dining room for his daugher, if "we" all will be moving to his old house, if maybe we won't be living together again for a while -- until he sells his house. I have all these questions, but no answers. I think he should talk to his daughter that isn't living with us and see what she thinks about all this? What if she wants to stay in her house? What if she hates him for kicking her and her mother out? And replacing them with our family. He doesn't want to bring anything up to her until he knows for sure what is going to happen. He's only got one month (july 23) to figure it out. Don't you guys think we should be working on this -- how long can we go on just thinking it's going to work out on it's own?
I'm sorry it got so long -- thanks for hanging in there reading my rambling. I'd appreciate any thoughts anyone has on the situation.

Welcome back, gal_mandi. Because I'm at work I'm not able to read or respond to your post, but I peeked in and of course recognized your name. I wanted to provide the link to your previous post so that others who can respond have the benefit of better understanding of your relationship and are better able to give you informed thoughts and opinions.
Opinion needed
Plain Jane
Many posters find it very helpful to re-read their old posts, in doing so they can often recognize growth - or lack of it in their relationship and often see their issues more clearly as they aren't in the middle of the emotion as they were when they posted them originally. I hope they help you, too.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Yeesh Mandi, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but some pretty significant reasons for concern. Six weeks ago you posted about not being comfortable with the way he responded to his ex, and four weeks ago you posted with concerns that you were being pushed into wearing clothing that really wasn't you. Now you're here with more concerns -- he's moving along with more changes you aren't comfortable with, and these very much affect your life and the lives of your children. Three bouts of concern and discomfort in the relationship would seem to indicate that this isn't the right place for you to be, three bouts in six weeks would make that red flag pretty big too. Why are you moving forward in a situation where you continue to find reason for uneasiness? Wouldn't it make more sense to keep things where they are while you take some time to assess the situation and decide what's what?
As far as the house thing goes, why did his daughter moving in? It sounds like she didn't live with him before, why now that it doesn't work well? Somehow, I got the impression in your previous post that his kids were quite young, but I get a different impression from this post. How old are his kids? Yours? Do they know each other well? Do they get along and genuinely like each other? I agree that it's likely his kids could be upset about moving a new family into their old home. In your previous post you indicated their mother was a real drama queen, if that's the case it would seem likely that she'll be filling them full of "daddy's kicking me out" stories and yes, they won't be too happy to see any of you there. Resentment? I'd say that's a good bet. If you're not comfortable moving into his marriage home, why did you agree to it, or did you? Granted, as a single man it's appropriate that he make his own decision with what to do in terms of property, child support, etc., but his decision does not mean you have to go along. As a woman who has been where you are (divorced with kids, living with a man) I would strongly urge you to consider the possible ramifications of leaving a situation where your name is on the rent for a place where it is not. If your relationship ends, you could find yourself out on your ear and even if it doesn't, you're giving up a lot of independence and control over your basic needs. There's a lot to be said about and gained by keeping those things that allow you to continue on your own if necessary. Starting from scratch again won't be easy and sometimes those are the very things that keep women stuck in situations they no longer want to be in.
It sounds to me like this is not something that's right for you at all. You're uncomfortable in the residence itself, it's out of your kids' school district and they are upset about that, why are you doing this? What's in it for you? I can understand that it might be a wise thing for him, but I don't see any positives for you at all short of sharing a residence with him. I'd consider strongly what this move might do to your kids. You've only known this man for eight months and aren't too comfortable with many things. It's quite possible the relationship won't last. Uprooting your kids to go where he wants to go, causing that uproar and unhappiness in their lives (which they will see as something you're doing for him and that you're disregarding them in the process) will not make them feel important or considered and will clearly tell them that they are not in the #1 position in your life. Their opinion of you and of him may well be affected. I'd think very carefully about whether this is something that's good for you and your children in deciding what's best. My suggestion would be that he move into his old place and fix it up, while you stay where you are. When he's done fixing it up he can sell it and you can figure out from there what you want to do.
It sounds like your continually being pushed to do things you don't like, don't want and aren't comfortable with, Is that right? If so, why are you allowing that? If I've got this wrong, I hope you'll let me know.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks for your opinion. It seems like every time I write in -- it actually fixes itself. My boyfriend and I talked about the situation and it's all okay. He said he is not going to move into the house. We will all stay at my place due to the fact of the school district. It was like he knew this all along -- but he figured I knew it too. I know now and I feel much better. His oldest daughter that is staying with us doesn't want to move back to their old house either. His oldest daughter (who's 17) doesn't get along with the mother and has decided to stay with her father (us). She is very helpful around the house and my kids get along just fine with her. His younger daughter is 14 and stays with the mother. I have two kids a boy (13) and a girl (15).
As for the other situations I've wrote about -- the one where he helps his ex wife all the time. She burned him -- he learned. He doesn't help any more. As for the dressing -- he read my posting and we discussed it and I was totally wrong. Just another misunderstanding. Sometimes I just need to vent and get my thoughts together before I bring it up to my boyfriend. That's what I use the board for I guess -- plus sometimes you guys bring up good points that I forget to mention.
Sorry to bothered you guys with my petty stuff.
Thanks again for your opinions though.
Hey Gal_Mandi, I'm glad to hear that things resolved themselves - and in such a positive way too.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I totally understand where you are coming from...
<>
That is exactly what I meant. Sometimes I don't even know what is truly bothering me -- It's just that something isn't right.
As for moving into the house -- it was just suggested. My kids wouldn't have moved school districts. Like I may or may not have mentioned we would just have worked around the fact that they are in different school districts. For example : rent someplace cheap or even say that we are living at my brother's house and use that address. It would just have been an inconvience (sp?). His daughter (17 yr old) even offered to drive them to school and back.
Oh, well. No need to worry anymore.
Thanks again.
I just wanted to comment on the uprooting of the kids aspect of this - as someone who was an uprooted kid myself. In my case, my parents were married, but we moved several times for my dad's job - which entailed moving to a new house, new neighborhood, a new school, making new friends, etc. It was difficult and I didn't have any of the added issues that come along with a blended family. I would think long and hard about uprooting the kids from their home and their school.
I agree with you Lucy, we moved when I was a teenager, it was the worst experience and honestly destroyed my high school years. I went from having a blast in school, loving it and everyone in it to moving to a place that was very, very cliquish-ish. I could not break in despite repeated attempts over a two year period of joining clubs, teams, you name it. It made my last two high school years a lonely hell. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I did move my kids once, my son was 13, daughter was nine. They were enthusiastic and excited about the move yet they struggled. It's not easy to turn new friends into the kind of relationships you had with old, established friends. Eight months after moving, my very outgoing, popular daughter (who had several new friends) tearfully said to me "I guess there's just no one here like me", the poor kid still hadn't found anyone she really connected with. I'd say it took a full year before they felt really good about their friendships. My husband eyed jobs out of state a year ago, I couldn't bring myself to even imagine asking the kids to go through that again. Unless we absolutely had to go, I wouldn't. I'm glad Gal_Mandi is staying put.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"