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New here and need help
| Wed, 06-22-2005 - 12:13pm |
Hi I am new here and I would like some advice.
Here is the story me and my DH have been married for 10 years and 5 months. We have two kids one DD and one DS. My DH is in the air force. He came home from being gone for about 7 month and dropped a bomb shell on me in May. He said he wanted a Divorce. This came as a total shock to me. We have had a very solid and great relationship. The last two months that he was gone we did some little bickering nothing that I thought would end my marriage.


Welcome, Ansgmiller ~ I'm so sorry you're going through this. It has to be incredibly hurtful and confusing.
It sounds like this has all happened on a pretty fast timeline, all within the last seven weeks at the most, is that right? And assuming your kids got out of school around the end of May, that makes most of this have happened really close and fast. How long has he been gone with the Air Force? It doesn't seem like he'd hardly have had time for his three week vacation. This has to have your head just swimming, meanwhile, you're trying to be a good parent and take care of your kids. How are they handling this?
What reason did your husband give for wanting a divorce? Is he away frequently? I'm not familiar with what's typical for that branch of service, so I don't know what life for you has been like. Sorry for so many questions, but it helps to get a better picture of things, and if you're like me, it helps to talk about it too.
I think giving him space to think things through is completely opposite of what you should be doing. You've already been apart for seven months, nearly eight now, and it appears that it was during the time of separation that divorce thoughts came up. After having been home for a bit (back together) he said he wanted to try, but after having been apart again, he's back to leaning towards divorce. The thing is, when you're farther apart, you get father apart, you know? It's easier to think about being divorced when you've had time without your spouse, you've already have a good amount of time away under your belt so considering life without the other seems pretty easy. Not only that, but you've gotten used to being on your own, stepping back into a life you've gotten used to not having to deal with seems like a hassle. What the two of you need is time together. You already know what it's like to be apart, you won't do any rebuilding or reconnecting by staying apart, you'll just get farther apart emotionally, making divorce easier and more attractive. I don't know of any marriage problems that get solved by staying apart, the only way I know to get to the bottom of problems, work to see if they can be overcome is to do that together, in the same house, in the same room, face to face. Staying apart won't reconnect you and that's what you need. Obviously, if he's made up his mind, there's not much you can do. But it sounds like he's not all that sure. I would suggest you leave the kids for another visit with your mother (if possible) and spend a week or two with your husband alone so that you can reconnect, talk and understand what's going on. I would also suggest you insist your husband join you in marriage counseling to work on this. Even if he says he's not sure he wants the marriage to work, seeing a counselor will help you -- and him -- to better see the situation and decide what's right for him to do. I know the Navy has Family Services on many bases to deal with marriage and family problems, I'm sure the Air Force has a similar program, but I don't have any idea what they call it. An Air Force Chaplain can direct you to the right place if you don't know either. If your husband is reluctant to seek help on base (not unusual) insist on seeing a civilian couples counselor off base, but get some help. If your husband doesn't want to go, I'd suggest you ask him to go to help you understand what's happening and to support you. The goal is getting him in the door, once there, even if he's there to "support you", it's likely he'll become engaged and will be an active member of counseling without even realizing it. If he refuses to go, go without him. There's much you can learn that will help you deal with this and improve your situation, obviously, it's better if he goes too, but one of you is better than none. I do want to say that any therapist or counselor the two of you see should be licensed in a field of couples therapy. Some counselors and therapists licensed for individual therapy offer couples counseling "as a service", but counseling couples is very specialized field that requires special training and licensing. Those who are only trained in individual counseling aren't properly trained and very often end up doing more damage to the couple that they're trying to help.
It's possible that my thoughts and suggestions would change with more information from you, so I'm hoping you'll post with more info. Huge hugs, Ansgmiller, this has to be incredibly overwhelming and confusing for you. Let me know how you're doing, okay?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
It sounds like this has all happened on a pretty fast timeline, all within the last seven weeks at the most, is that right? And assuming your kids got out of school around the end of May, that makes most of this have happened really close and fast. How long has he been gone with the Air Force? It doesn't seem like he'd hardly have had time for his three week vacation. This has to have your head just swimming, meanwhile, you're trying to be a good parent and take care of your kids. How are they handling this?
Hi Sue ~ Glad you're back! Thanks for the explanations, it helped and no, it wasn't too long, not at all. It's hard to understand well enough to feel like you can offer suggestions without having a good feel for the situation, you know? And it usually isn't possible to give a better picture of the situation without taking up some length to do it in. Take all the space you need and "talk" all you want, I don't know about you, but just talking about it helps me.
I can understand how incredibly confusing and shocking this has to be, to go from not knowing there's really a problem to hearing an announcement like that alters everything you know in your world.
You said you argued the last few weeks before he came home, but that you didn't think it was anything that would jeopardize your marriage. Arguments happen in every marriage, for sure and I think every marriage goes through some "down cycles" too, when the relationship isn't up to par and there's some struggling. I know you don't think the arguments were anything to be concerned about and you also don't buy his explanations about his reasons for considering divorce. What were the arguments about? How did the conversations go? You said he said you called too much and that he won't take your calls now, how often were you calling while he was gone back then and how often are you calling him now? I'm trying to get a feel for what he's saying vs. what reality is. He also said this has been building for a long time but you don't feel that's true because you've always talked out your problems. I know you can't talk to him right now, but when you had that discussion, did you ask him how it could be building when you talk your problems out? He said you put him down, do you think you do that? Have you told him that you're willing to work to resolve the problems in your relationship and that means you're willing to make changes in yourself? I have a feeling you think there's something going on that he's not telling you about and that's what's behind this, am I right? If so, did you ask him if that were the case, and what did he say? I know I'm bulldozing you with a lot of questions again, and I'm sorry. But unless you suspect he's making excuses and not telling you the real reason, I'd say whether you agree or not, he feels that there are some issues that have been a problem for him for a long time. If he's chosen to keep it in and not talked to you about it until now it would be hard for you to know there are problems and impossible to do anything to change it. Holding it in until he's at the breaking point isn't fair to you or your marriage, it isn't giving you any chance to change it. Obviously, I don't know if he's the type to hold things in and not share them or if he's the type to tell you what's on his mind.
I'm sure your kids know something's up, you're upset and they can feel it no matter how well you try to hide it, I'm sure. They love you and want things to be okay. You said your son had surgery just before your husband left, I hope he's all right. Being the "one and only" there to take care of everything is a big job, it can be very overwhelming. The kids see you as their constant, you're always there, you're the one they count on. They'll look to you during this time when they know something's up and are concerned. I don't know about you, but when I had rough times with my husband (before, during and after our divorce) the kids gave me focus, helped me stay strong, gave me a reason to make it through as strongly and unscathed as possible. Unfortunately, they can also make it harder in that they demand your attention when you're mind's running 100 miles an hour in another direction. It's not easy.
It sounds like this is your second marriage and that the kids are yours from your previous? I'm in the same -- second marriage, two kids (one of each) from my previous. My husband was in the Navy 15 years, but that was before I knew him.
I understand what you mean and what you feel in that he said this what he wanted and that it was forever, but I know you know that sometimes things change and what we said and what we believed at one time isn't what we believe anymore. I'm not saying that there is no chance for you or that things have really changed as he says, but I know realistically you know that sometimes you believed at one time doesn't continue to be your belief. It's not fair, but it's true.
I do understand what you mean in thinking that he's avoiding the situation by staying away. He doesn't have to think about it or deal with it, he's not having to deal with the aftermath of his announcement since he's not around to face it. I do have to say that it sounds like you haven't been at all calm through this. While that's perfectly understandable and expected, if that's the case it might be part of the reason he avoids being home too. Hard as it may be, you may need to get to a place where you can accept what he's saying and find a calm place in yourself where you can sit down and discuss this with him. If you haven't asked the questions (like that you don't believe the reason he's doing this is what he says it is), I think you need to. I also think he needs to be told that he owes it to you to discuss this honestly and openly. He owes it to you to come home and face the issue he dumped on you. He needs to man up. You need to do your part too and be as calm and rational as possible so you can ask questions, answer questions and think clearly when you do have a conversation with him. For what it's worth, I don't think it would have been at all helpful for him to have accompanied you to your parent's house. When you're in the middle of a problem you need to be together alone, being at someone else's house -- or in someone else's presence -- doesn't allow you to work anything out, discuss things or be anything but uncomfortable.
It's great that you've made an appointment for yourself whether he's going or not. When is your appointment? Soon, I hope. Being able to talk to a counselor about what's going on and how you're feeling will help a lot. It may not seem like it will, but I think you'll be surprised. It can be incredibly helpful. I know what you mean about him going because he's forced not being a good thing, and I agree, but if you can get him to go because he owes it to your marriage to try, or not for "marriage counseling" but because you need his support, I think it will end up being beneficial. He says he doesn't want to go because he thinks only more ugly things will be said. The thing is, getting to the root of the problem does mean saying what you really feel and what you see as problems, but unless you bring them out you can't make them seen and understood, you can't work on them, you have no chance of fixing them. What better place to bring out ugly things than in the controlled environment of a counselor who is a professional at helping people work through just such problems? A counselor would help you understand each other, help moderate the situation and would help you find a way to resolve the issues. His biggest reason not to go is the very reason it's the only right thing to do!
Sue, I'm not going to be around tomorrow night and probably not Saturday at all. If I'm here on Saturday, it'll be late night, we're heading out of town right after work tomorrow for an overnight trip. We have tentative plans for Saturday, but will be playing it by ear so it's possible (but not likely) that we'll be home Saturday afternoon. I'll be checking the board from work tomorrow and will try to have time to post, but it depends on my workload. I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and if you post tomorrow I'll do everything in my power to be able to respond. Know that even if I don't respond I'll have read your post and will answer as soon as I can.
Hang in there Sweetie. You'll get through this one way or another, be strong!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
How are things going Sue?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"