Long Distance relationships- Please Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2005
Long Distance relationships- Please Help
9
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 4:22pm

I met an amazing man about 3 months ago and we are living together for the past two months or so. After my divorce, I really never imaged finding someone who could be such a great partner, lover and friend. I think it´s safe to say that we both admire and respect eachother and feel like we are a great fit together. We think a lot alike....so many times, we finish eachother´s sentences or say the same exact thing at the same time! He´s younger than me by four years (he´s never been married), although this really hasn´t been an issue for either of us...at least I don´t think.

We have spent a month traveling all over and have had the time of our lives. Even when we are at home, we enjoy our company and many of our friends say that we look like we´ve been together a long time - his friends really like me, and my friends really like him. People are shocked when they hear that we´ve been together 3 months. It´s definitely the most intense 3 months of my life.

Here´s the problem...we live in Mexico, he returns home (Europe) in one month, and I am probably returning to NY around the same time he leaves. When we are with friends and even alone, he talks about staying together even though we will be separated by an ocean...a big one! We talk about the future a lot...he mostly brings it up.

He is a very attractive, smart and wonderful man, with a VERY outgoing personality - a social butterfly. We both have this in common and we understand eachother well. Even though he wants to stay together, I feel like the right thing to do is let him go...and let him enjoy his time. He says that he wants to move to NY after his first year and finish his studies there, and then eventually move to the US after his MBA. I am head-over heels in love with this man (I have not told him this yet), but I don´t want him to feel restricted while he is back home. 10 months seems like a long time to be in a long-distance relationship, especially for a guy like him that is so outgoing and affectionate. We have plans for me to visit two months after we are apart.

What should I do? Is the expression true, "if you love him, let him go, and if he comes back...?"

FYI - neither him nor I have ever "been in love" with anyone. As surprising as that may sound...it´s true. I think we might both feel like this is the first time we are in love...although I can´t speak for him, I can only try to interpret his actions.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 5:29pm

IMO, 10 months apart is a blip, IF you are committed to each other. It sounds like you're using his "outgoing" personality as a euphemism for saying you don't think he's capable of being faithful to you for 10 months, is that right? I mean, I'm outgoing and affectionate, too, but I have no problem being monogamous in an LDR if I've made that commitment. But it sounds like you don't think he would be capable of that.

If he says that he is up for it, I personally would give it a try...visit each other as often as you can, and have an exit strategy for the LD portion (which it sounds like you do--him coming to the US for grad school).

If you don't try, you'll never know if it can work.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 6:36pm

Hi,

Ten months really isn't a long time. I can tell you my opinion of things based on the long distance relationship I was in. I met a man briefly and we exchanged numbers, hit it off on the phone and proceeded to have a 1500 mile long distance relationship for 2.5 years. At the end of those 2.5 years, I moved to the town he lived in, a year and a half later we got married and we've been married ever since (3 years) and still very happy. It is possible.

What I would say is communication is very, very important. You need to be able to be honest with each other about how you feel (if by "outgoing" you really do mean that you're not sure he'll be faithful, you need to be honest with him and find out if that's true). But don't rush to a commitment just because you're about to be long-distance. While we were apart, I went on living my life and told my boyfriend that I'd never move to his town as his girlfriend, only as his fiance, and I left it at that. And he proposed before I made any changes to my plans.

By all means, let him return to Europe. If he wants to move to New York in a year, great! Stay together if you want to and make plans for the future. Be serious with your plans and let him know you really care about him. But also, listen to what he says. If his plans to be with you seem to get less serious as time passes, pay attention. If he starts calling less for no reason or talking less about being "together", pay attention. My husband (boyfriend at the time) was very serious about being together from the day we exchanged "I love you's" to the day we got married. So don't be afraid to be in the relationship, but be smart about it - just like you would a local relationship. But most of all, don't rush! Enjoy it. Long-distance relationships definitely have their benefits, and it'll be over before you know it!

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 12:20am

It seems to me that the easy and most sensible solution is to agree to stay in contact and consider yourselves in a relationship but to agree that you're both also free to see others. When you're able to be together again, you can be; you'll have stayed in contact and will be able to continue your relationship.


I have to say though, that considering yourself in love and being so sure of this relationship at this early date is a concern. At this stage there is more you don't know about each other than things you do know. I know you said you just seem to fit, but there's lots more to explore and learn and you may find out as time goes along that it isn't quite as perfect as it seems. You're also both still full-on in the "impress each other" stage of the game, putting your best foot forward, looking your best, dressing with him (and you) in mind, that kind of thing. That continues up to the 9 to 12 month stage. Early on in relationships you're fully into the chemical rush stage that feels so very good but doesn't last forever. It's great that you've found someone that seems so right and I hope it proves to be just as right always as it is now, I'd just really caution you against putting all your belief and faith into a relationship that's barely even begun.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2005
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 11:11am

Thank you all for your advice. It´s nice to hear that 10 months isn´t that long! :)

Northwestwanderer, I think you brought up an interesting point about me questioning his ability to be monogomous. This is where I think 3 months is not a long time to really "know" someone. Perhaps I see what´s on the outside more than the inside right now. He likes to gauk at beautiful women and is usually pretty vocal about it. Sometimes that makes me feel like he is still "shopping around". I´ve confronted him about it, but this just seems to be part of his personality - he´s a flirt, and doing this makes him feel energized... Maybe deep-down, I´m really worried that the distance will start to move us in different directions and we won´t have the bond that we have now... I think it´s human nature to seek acceptance, and when you lose that in a relationship, you open yourself up for it elsewhere, sometimes without even knowing it.

I can see the challenge in maintaining open lines of communication being so far apart. I want to listen for cues but at the same time, I don´t want to be reading into things too much. For example, if he calls me frequently early on, and then less later... should I read that as interest falling off or merely as him "living" his life? I have a feeling that reading cues will be very tough...should I be doing that, any help with that?

3 months isn´t a long time to know someone and we have both been VERY careful about using the word "Love". Once he slipped and said it...and I slipped too, but we both think it´s too early to say it to eachother - even though our actions and eyes say it already. I can only compare this to my previous relationships...and I know I never felt this way about anyone else I have ever been with, not even my ex-husband who I was with for 5 years - he has also volunteered that he has never felt this way about anyone else! I have met many of his close friends and they tell me that he is so... in love and that this isn´t the guy they remember. I´m not really sure that I can articulate what love is, but I know there are things that I absolutely adore about him, and he makes me feel so happy and full of life. We´ve been living together and traveling, pretty much a 24-7 relationship, so we´ve seen eachother through the good and the bad...bad hair days, no make-up, hiking/treking trips, him losing his job, me being sick for 2 weeks and having family problems....There have been some moments in this relationship that clearly crossed the line of new relationships. Despite it all, we´re still together and if anything, these things have brought us even closer together. Saying that I love him might be premature, but everything about our relationship has been premature... The strangest part for me is that I have never said the phrase "I love you" to ANYONE (other than my family...). For the first time in any relationship, these words seem to want to come out! It´s not only because he is attractive or funny or smart or thoughtful. I´ve dated better looking, smarter, more romantic men. He just seems to be the only one so far that makes me feel alive inside!

As for seeing other people while we are apart...I have a problem with that. It seems that that would hurt the bond that we have created. My preference would be to just stay friends and end it...I don´t think I could bare the thought of us being "together" but with different people. I´d rather suffer the break-up and move on romantically. As hard as it would be...

Does anyone have any opinions on dating while apart?

Thanks again!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 11:46am

Have you talked about continuing to see each other exclusively while you're apart? I guess I don't understand why that doesn't seem to be an option for you...

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2005
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 1:47pm

Since you're hesitant about trying to continue a LDR with him, I'd say you already know the answer. You've said you're not sure you want to sit on the shelf for ten months, then you shouldn't! Remain an item, but free yourselves up to see others until he can come back, if in ten months you want to be together, you can be. If you find your interests are elsewhere, it wasn't meant to be. This relationship is so new, there are so many things that you don't know about each other, I think it's premature to make such a commitment. You are likely to find you sat alone for ten months then find that the relationship isn't workable after all.

If you're not sure you should, then you know you really shouldn't right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2005
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 3:42pm
You've dated casually before, where you're dating more than one person, none of them seriously, right? I don't see that dating others in this situation would be that different. You agree to be free to casually date others; there's no cheating since you're both aware of it. Like casual dating, in your correspondence with him I wouldn't talk about dates, but you should definitely keep up your communication. If your bond is strong and you're as right for each other as you think, I think you'll continue to feel that way through your communication. If either of you finds someone else is so right that they want to end the relationship you have with each other, it wasn't as right as you thought anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2005
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 1:09pm

Actually, I have never casually dated before...which is probably why I am having a tough time with the idea of "dating others" while we try to maintain a relationship between eachother. If I could have the perfect world, it would be to continue to date him exclusively, like we are now. The distance and our ability to maintain good communication is my biggest concern. But I guess the advice I´m hearing is just chill out and see what happens...I also believe that if it´s meant to be, then that´s that.

Thank you all for your help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 10:42pm

I think to a point "if it's meant to be it will be" is true, but not entirely. Relationships take work, all of them. When they say marriage takes work they're not talking about laundry and housework, they're talking about keeping the relationship a priority, making time for it, considering your partner, those kinds of things. If the attitude of "it'll work if it's supposed to" without doing any actual work is applied I can guarantee you the relationship will fail! On the other hand, you can work your rear off at a relationship that's not right (not meant to be), and it still won't work. I think the key is you've got to know when to say when. If work keeps your relationship moving forward it's good and beneficial, if work doesn't move you forward, if you stay stuck where you are no matter how much effort you put in (frustration, head-butting and unresolved or recurring issues are usually what indicates being "stuck") and/or find yourself working hard just to keep the relationship from sliding backwards, it's an indicator that it's not meant to be.


I think you're right, there isn't any set path here, you'll have to play it by ear and see how it goes. Since you're both new to this, I wouldn't be surprised if you don't find you need to revamp whatever agreement you've made at some points along the way.


Good luck, and keep us posted on how it goes!





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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Edited 7/13/2005 1:48 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"