realationship is driving me crazy help

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
realationship is driving me crazy help
6
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 1:39pm
Hi I have been in a relationship with my bf for 4 years and i should be use to the way he is by now but I am not and I really don't know whatto do any longer. He came back from overseas and we no longer live together because he found a job in his hometown so we pretty much have a ld relationship and its hard. He was in the military wheni met him so he was always gone then he got out the military and took a job overseas and was gone for 1 year, so now he is back but in another state we are 12 hours from each other so he doesn't visit often. I have 3 kids, 2 which are not his but he takes care of them like they are his own. This whole ld realtionship is taking it's toll on me and it depresses me and keeps me down alot and I really stay frustrated because of it. He just recently came to visit me this past weekend for my sisters wedding, and we had fun, through out the night I kept telling him after the reception I wanted he and I to go out and do something together cause he was only in town for the weekend and he was leaving the next day, so I was trying to get my mom to babysit so we could go out, later on that night after the reception was over he appeared to be tired he wash rushing me so I figured we weren't going anywhere we were just gonna stay in and call it a night which was fine as long as i was with him. So he takes the kids to the car while I help pick up decorations when i get to the car he is half sleep, so we get home and like 10 minutes later he tells me he is about to go hang out with his female cousins for awhile, and i have left sitting in the house looking crazy, after the whole day and night i kept saying i want us to do something he goes out w/o me and livs me in the house with the kids like i always am. So i was pretty upset but I smiled it off as he left that night. The next day which was the day he was leaving I tried my hardest to let it go and not worry about it but I couldn't and I didn't have 2 words to say to him. So later on that day he asked me if this was how his visit was gonna end and that's when i decided to just go ahead and tell him how i felt I told him I would not have done that to him and if the tables were turned and his cousin's had a man that they hadn't seen the last thing they would be trying to do is spend time with him they would want to be with their man that they don't get to see, but he wasn't hearing we got into a big blow out and I felt i got nowhere, so i dropped it, he was calling me selfish ungrateful, and I shouldn' have anything to be upset about. So we pretty much left it at that and he left with us not speaking. So today i get a phone call and he tells me he doesn't appreciate having to deal with my attitude when he comes to visit me, I shouldn't have anything to complain about because he does so much for me and he pays the cost to be the boss. We got into another heated blow out, I told him i would not have done that to him and if I did how would he feel, he quickly told me that I ain't him so I wouldn't do it so stop comparing or something like that. He told me since he does so much he earns the right to go out when he wants, and i don't despute that its just the fact that he no longer lives with me and I nor my kids get to see him and I feel I should not have to approach my man about spending time with me when it should be clear as day, that we don't see eachother so for me every minute i am around him I want to make the best of it. He gets every chance in the world to go out all the time but since i said something about him for some hours and not with me i am the bad person so right now we are not speaking because i just feel he doesn't see it he don't understand and in his eyes he is hardly ever wrong. Am I to needy and to clingy? Was I in the wrong? I have no friend no one to talk to so I need so advice please, and of course taking to him is out of the question. PLeas help this relationship is barely holding on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 1:54pm

Just a few questions to see the situation a little better, ok?

Do the two of you have a child together? I saw where you wrote the other 2 weren't his, but is the 3rd one? Why aren't you guys living together? I understand him being gone overseas with the military (my hubby is ex-military), but when he seperated from the military why did he move 12 hours away from you? Was there ever any mention of you moving to where he lives?

I guess I'm just a little confused about your relationship because it doesn't seem like there is much of one. That's why I asked you these questions because maybe I am missing something here. Just based on your post, it seems like you are just his 'every now and then girl', and he lives his own seperate life. If the two of you do have a child together, I can't figure out why you guys aren't together in the physical if you are still 'dating'. Him being in the military before could excuse a lot of his absences, but was he this way before as well? Not making you a priority, or choosing to spend his time with other people?

It seems to me like if the two of you had this great relationship and wanted to be with each other, you *would* be with each other. Not just seeing each other every now and then, and especially not after 4 years. Does he have another girlfriend back home?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 2:50pm

Welcome back, Phat23 ~








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 3:11pm

Hello Phat,


First let me say that I am sorry that this is dragging you down like this.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 3:19pm

Thanks CL.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 9:07pm

Phat 23, I'm in total agreement with E_M_Herrera and Dirextor, I'm sorry that this relationship is dragging you down so much, but I'm really wondering if it's something you want to hang onto and if so, why?


Along with everything that's been said I'd like to add that your boyfriend's behavior is not at all acceptable - no way, no how. Being financially responsible for his child is his responsibility, not a treat that he bestows on you and it doesn't buy him special consideration. What I don't see is where he's a father or a partner in the least. Let me break it down just a bit:


When he came into town for the wedding he should have been all about being with you and his child. He should have wanted nothing more than to spend time with both of you. If I read you right (and please correct me if I'm wrong) you hardly ever see each other. He should have wanted to be with you and no one else. When you're in a relationship you should want to be with your boyfriend/girlfriend, it's normal. After all, being in a relationship is about caring about each other, wanting to be together, wanting to share your lives. If that's not the case, what have you got and why are you bothering with even calling him your boyfriend? Secondly, as a father, he should be very adamant about seeing and spending time with his child. Not only should he be wanting very much to spend time with this child, as he's well aware that you are with this child night and day he should be wanting to take the load off you, even if he's only around for a day. He should be wanting to take care of the child, give you a break from the constant care that you provide. He should be grateful, respectful and appreciative of the job you have being the only parent. Your boyfriend shows no care for you as his girlfriend, shows none of the responsibility of being a partner and shows no care for his child (other than monetary and the perks he thinks that buys him). Instead of apologizing for his actions, he tells you you're out of line for being less than satisfied with the time and attention he spent on you? He is completely, totally, absolutely, completely wrong. And I honestly think the fact that he chooses to do what he does and takes that attitude he takes says he cares very little for you. If he cared, he'd want to be with you, you wouldn't have to ask for his time and if he couldn't be with you he'd be as upset about it as you are. Clearly, you are not much to him and you were in the way of his good time. How dare you complain about his actions? EXCUSE ME? I don't think so! He totally disrespected you and in the process told you loud and clear what your importance to him is. It doesn't sound like you don't have a relationship, it sounds like you have an arrangement, and boy are you getting the short end of the stick. Wouldn't you like to have a turn at being free night and day, only having to check in once in a blue moon, and even then being able to take off and do what you want with whomever you want? You kind of indicated that you lay part of the blame with his cousin in asking about what his cousin would want if her out-of-town boyfriend was around. If that's how you're thinking, you're wrong. The blame lies completely with your boyfriend. He chooses what he does, he's responsible for his own decisions. He's just as capable of telling his cousin he's not seeing her because he's spending time with you as he was capable of telling you he wasn't spending time with you because he was spending it with his cousin.

You asked if you were too needy or clingy. My God, no! If you were needy or clingy you'd be a puddle on the floor by now. This guy gives you nothing relationship wise. If he'd done to me what he did to you I'd have showed him the door then changed the locks. No way would I be hanging on to someone who treated me badly, disrespected me, disregarded me and acted as though he were an entitled king while I was his lowly servant. I'm wondering why you're still in the "relationship". It's no relationship, it's hardly an acquaintance. IMO, no one deserves the crap he dishes out and you certainly deserve a boyfriend who wants to be with you, it's what a relationship is about.

I'm not saying your relationship is abusive, though it might be, but I will say you are certainly being used. Take a look at the two wheels shown in this post which show a representation of a healthy relationship and a non-healthy relationship:
Is Your Relationship Healthy?
Does your relationship look like the healthy one or the non-healthy one? Why are you willing to accept so little?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 9:12pm

Totally agree wtih you Dirextor. Like you indicated, there's no making him do anything. He doesn't sound like he's looking to change his part in this "relationship". Nothing's going to change without his involvement, no point in the OP beating her head against a brick wall trying to make a change in a guy who doesn't want it. Sounds like he's busy living the good life.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"