Selfish!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Selfish!!!!
11
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 5:00pm
Well I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about two years and a half. We have been thru good and bad times etc. etc. Well since about a year ago my bf has been kinda laid off of work and I have been paying everything, every day we spent together. He would not go out, unless it was with me and he would always be calling me to go out with him. Needless to say I lost most of my friends since all my time was dedicated to him, and had no life. I didn't think much of it since I always believed a better time would come. Well in June he got pretty good paying job, (before he had odd jobs that payed him very little) and now he wants a break! He doesn't want to be with me or even talk to me. But he goes out all the time to his cousins house, when his excuse for not seeing me is that he is too tired from work! He also says he doesnt want to go out with me because he wants to save money for a car. I am not asking him for anything, I just want to see him and be with him. It summer break, I have no class or no job, and most of my friends have their whole new life without me. I want to learn of a way that I could cope with this break. I need something to do before I go nuts, I call him all the time just to hear him say the same things all over again!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: eiramlos
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 11:48pm

Welcome to the board, Eiramlos ~


I'd say you're right, at the least your boyfriend is selfish and probably more than a little self centered too, it sounds like he thinks life should revolve around him. Be there when he needs you, but when things look up and he's not so needy, he's gone and you're left in the dust. At least that's how it sounds. I want to make sure I read you right, though, are you saying now he wants a total break from the relationship? If so, how long does he say? How long has it been since he's gotten back on his feet and left you in the dust? I'm wondering too, assuming you talked to him about the difference in what he wants from you and what he gives to you, what does he have to say about that? If that's what he gives you his "too tired" reason for, I assume you point out that he isn't too tired to go to his cousins, yes? What does he have to say, and if you don't talk to him about the stark difference in how he's being, why haven't you?


Without knowing more, and I'm hoping you'll give us more information, I'd say you've just learned the hard way that you don't give up your life for anyone. It's not wise (as you've learned) and it's not healthy. All relationships need some breathing room and individuality, everybody needs some time apart to do their own thing, whether that's being with friends, being alone, doing what they love to do, whatever. Time apart keeps the relationship fresher and healthier and it keeps the people in it fresher and healthier too. It's not at all uncommon for girls to drop their friends completely and focus their "whole life" on their boyfriend. And yeah, when you do that when it comes time to need a life of your own, you don't have friends anymore, at least none that you've been in contact with for a very long time.


Some things I might or might not suggest may change depending on your answer to the questions, but what won't change is my suggestion that you get back in touch with your friends. If you need to apologize for dropping off the face of the earth and assure them you won't let it happen again, hopefully they'll be willing to let you join back in. Once you're back in touch with them, stick with them and do not abandon your life for a guy ever again! Your boyfriend is a part of your life, not your life. You need to keep your life mainly for you and share some of it with your guy, but drop everything or most things to focus on a guy? No way. Don't you do it.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
In reply to: eiramlos
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 11:17am
Well he got back on his feet starting June and he's been wanting a break since about two week ago. we saw each other Sunday and he said nothing about continuing the break. But I called yesterday and asked him when will we see each other again and he said something like not this month. He's too busy and gets home too tired and wants to save money for a car. I asked him is that meant that he was not going to go out at all and he said probably to my cousin's. I have told him how I felt but he doesn't see it my way, he just says that I argue too much. He wants to get an apartment with me in August when I go back to school. I just think he wants this time to do whatever he wants, like going out late, getting drunk etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: eiramlos
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 4:43pm

Hi,

I have one quick question. How positive are you that he is at his cousin's house? I only ask because if I had a nickel for everytime someone told me they were with their cousin/sister/brother and they were really with another woman, well I'd be rich. Just a thought, perhaps I am wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: eiramlos
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 9:58pm
If you could step back and remove your emotions for a minute, and look at this situation objectively, is this the kind of man you really want to be spending you life with, or spend your life waiting for? I know it's hard to separate the two, but maybe try thinking if your mom or grandmother knew exactly how this relationship was (that he wanted a free ride when he needed the money, and now won't committ to something as simple as the next time you'll see him), what advice would they give you? If this man was dating your daughter, would this treatment be what you would want and hope for her? Ask yourself why are you with him? You may love him, but love is not all that you need to hold a relationship together. What looks to be missing from your relationship is respect and real committment. He wants to spend his time 'doing whatever he wants' including putting you at the bottom of the priority list and that doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: eiramlos
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 1:42am

I'm in agreement with Firstamendment, Eiramlos. I think your boyfriend has shown you some very negative things about his character. So much for being grateful and appreciative of you sticking by him and all that you did, he's off, wanting to play and doesn't have time for you at all. It's called "being used". Firstamendment's right. You may love him, but love is not enough and love will not get you through. And while you may love him, he's not showing you even close to the same level of feelings in return, that can't be all right with you, can it?


Whether he's at his cousins or he's at his "cousins" wouldn't matter to me. That he can treat you with so little care, gratitude (not to mention a lack of the heavy dose of huge repayment and celebration with you, for you and to you that he should be giving you) would tell me everything I needed to know about him. A relationship with him is about him, what he wants, what he needs, period. You don't enter in unless you have something he needs or unless it's convenient for him to include you. Again, that's not a relationship, it's being used. I don't know what you're thinking about this whole thing, Eiramlos, but I wonder what you'd be telling a friend if this were her story and not yours?


I certainly wouldn't be considering moving in with him in August or any other month. You don't have an equal relationship, you certainly don't have a partnership and living together won't get you one, it'll only make things closer, not better. Why would you want to move in with someone who disrespects them, treats them ungratefully and unfairly? Why would you want to move in together with someone who won't be a partner?


What do you think about this Eiramlos?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
In reply to: eiramlos
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 2:47pm

Well I do believe him and I know he is at his cousins because everytime I go to his house after he's out from work they tell me he's at his cousins. I go down to his cousins house about a minute away from his house and he is in fact there. He doesn't have a celphone or anything so nobody can call him and tell him I will go over to check. In that part I know he's not lying to me. What bothers me is that I know he's probably getting real drunk and doesn't want to spend time with me.

Sorry it took me a while to respond

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: eiramlos
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 3:11pm
Do you generally give a lot more than you get with him?








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
In reply to: eiramlos
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 3:47pm
Well his behavior is new. He was laid off before but not always. When he had money before he got laid off he was very genorous. I have a celestial collection in my room and basically everything was given to me by him. He used to put me first, if his friends invited him out and i came along he would choose me first. One thing is true is that he is very moody. Sometimes he can be happy other times he completely changes. I saw him yetsterday, after having talked to him on tuesday and he was happy to see me, he even invited me out. I asked him why did he treat me badly on the phone and he said that he has just finished his second shift and was very tired. He workd with his parents making doughnuts (his parents are bankrupt and they keep most of the money). We had a talk last night and he told me he was sorry and that he will try to be the same guy i feel in love with. I probably overreacted but I could also be biased since I do love him. He told me that he felt like he was working to hard he works from 6 am to 7 pm, after he makes the doughnuts he has to go in his mothers car and sell them, and that he wasn't having any fun. I do not like to drink or go to bars and stuff like that. When I meet him he was a billiards champ in his town and well he gave that up, and he says he misses it.
He wants to get his own car because like that whatever money he makes is his, no deductions. Its just that I get soo bored and all my friends have bf and they are not allowed to go out unless its with their bfs, so its kinda boring.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: eiramlos
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 3:51am

I'm a little confused, but glad that he hasn't always been like this. You said he used to put you first. When did that stop, when he got this new job just a bit ago or longer ago? I ask because putting you first, in front of doing things with friends is an absolutely common thing to happen for about the first year of a relationship, then it tends to change. Same with the gifts (celestial collection) I'm trying to establish whether that was when some of this started to change or whether it was all after he got this job.

Moody, always or just since he's been unemployed?


Going from saying he wants a break to asking you out like nothing happened. HUH? Says he treated you badly because he was tired. Great, but this is far from the only example of his changed attitude, right? A tired excuse doesn't explain wanting a break so he can hang out with his cousin, party and get drunk and basically drop you cold in the process.


He says he sorry and will try to be the guy you fell in love with -- BIG OLD WARNING SIGN. He cannot "try to be the guy you fell in love with", that's not who he is now. He can only be the person he is, recognize right, wrong and what he chooses to do and go from there. He can work with you to improve your relationship, he can recognize his selfishness and the uncaring and inconsiderate way he's treating you, but he cannot try to be something he is no longer. To think that he can indicates a lot of immaturity and irrational thinking on his part. Not a good sign.


"I probably overreacted but I could also be biased since I do love him."Sorry, but I don't know what you mean, that you overreacted from the start of this or that you overreacted to his statement or something entirely different?


"He told me that he felt like he was working to hard he works from 6 am to 7 pm, after he makes the doughnuts he has to go in his mothers car and sell them, and that he wasn't having any fun."Ok, but why can't he have fun with you too? Why are you left out of his life? Why doesn't he want to include you in his fun, it's what couples do!


"When I meet him he was a billiards champ in his town and well he gave that up, and he says he misses it. "So why did he give up playing pool?


"He wants to get his own car because like that whatever money he makes is his, no deductions."How does that affect his ability to see you? It doesn't affect his ability to see his cousin, party or get drunk.


"Its just that I get sooo bored and all my friends have bf and they are not allowed to go out unless its with their bfs, so its kinda boring."It's not "just that", it's much more than that, it's that he's dropping you cold and planning to pick you back up when he's had his fill of fun. That's disrespectful, uncaring and very, very wrong in a relationship. It says he feels entitled to do what he wants, it says he feels you're not as worthy as he is, that it's appropriate to put you aside and bring you back out when he chooses. And your statement says you think that's okay. You're allowing yourself to be made a second-class citizen, you're telling him he's right, that he is more entitled than you and that you will sit and wait until his fun is over to pick you back up. Where's your self-esteem and your self-worth?


"...all my friends have bf and they are not allowed to go out unless its with their bfs, so its kinda boring."How old are you two?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert




Edited 7/1/2005 11:19 pm ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
In reply to: eiramlos
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 4:56pm

well i guess you are right in many things. by the way my friends and i are in our early 20, i am 22. in puerto rico theres this old macho belief going on that guys can go out whenever, wherever they want etc. girls on the other hand cant. girls are suppose to live with that and let their guys go out, while their bf on the other hand is the one who controls where she goes and who she goes out with. i know it sound horrible but thats show things are. people dont see my bf as doing anything wrong b/c its part of beign of man to go out and drink. my cousin hasn't gone out with her friends in 3 years whenever i ask her to go out she says no b.c her bf will get mad! my niece got pregnant and hasnt left the house since she got the baby and her husband is rarely home with her. i am here trying to fight agaisnt this but not many understand my point. (dont get me wrong not 100% of all the people here are like that) but i do live in a small town,that still in 1920. i was raised in wisconsin and i had very healthy relationships, over there.

well now i have not called him in about a week. i am taking summer classes, and i go out with my friends again. i have not broken up with him yet, i am trying to get my life back and hopefully some day i will be strong enough to break up with him.

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