I am so confused???????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
I am so confused???????
4
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 1:17pm
I am so confused right now I am not sure what to make of this. Maybe you guys can help me with this. I went to my first counseling appointment yesterday and it went really good. When DH got home that night
wildthing siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 1:34pm

Welcome back Ansgmiller ~ I'm glad you came back, I've been wondering how you're doing.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 9:52pm

I need a clarification, Sue, I'm a little confused. It sounds like you've decided to stay together, and the fact that you're continuing to live together would indicate that as well, but from some of what you've said it sounds like you're divorcing. What's the status of your marriage? Can you fill us in? Knowing that would help a lot in knowing how to respond to what you've said. Thanks in advance!

Sorry it took so long to get back to you -- I hate how work gets in the way of what I want to be doing!





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2005
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 1:49pm
So I'm not realy sure why he's sleeping on the couch, but I've not been with my hubby for 10 years, but long enough and we are going through some things and he wants out. I told him the same things you have about not going ot be the one to file, but really if he wants out so bad he'd do it. Its a sad game that we play and its like cat and mouse. One thing I learned is I'd give in everytime he would come and show me affection and want sex, then i started withholding saying that until he was in it 100% of the way there was no reason for us to be intimate...that killed him, and we didn't do anything he didn't even try again for a while. I still did some of my "wifly things" for him, but not as much as I used to, I wanted him to remember and realize what its like without me...cause if he can say hes leaving and do what he wants and still get what he wants from you whenever, then hell do it and never come around to be fully commited again. The straw was when I finally told him that if he really wanted out that I would let him go cause I won't keep anyone against their will, relaly who wants to be with a man who doesnt' want to be there, and tried to get him to sit down and seriously think about how it would happen and what would happen, finacially, emotionally, kids, all of it. I think he realized what a big change it would be and it stopped, but if it had to go further I would looked up divorce info in the internet, and realyl give him what hes asking for, he will realize thats not what he really wants and com eback full circle and maybe it was a dumb thought, or he will leave in that case do you want him there that bad if he doesnt' want to be....it will only be an emotional roller coaster for you..not him. its sad, but play his game and see what reality brings, then youll know the truth. I got this advice form my male best friend in dealing with my hubby, luckily he came crawling back, but ive done that wiht an ex bf after 5 years, and he left, it was the best thing cause i don't want someone to resent me for "keeping" them there
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 2:43am

As I mentioned in my response to your post lost in love...and paranoid , I'm confused by the differences in your response here and in your own post. In your own post you say you've recently moved in with your boyfriend of a year, and that he wants out of the relationship, but here you talk about divorce and that your kids will be affected. ????


As I said in my response to your post, I've given you my thoughts to the issue you presented in your post at your post, and will respond here to what you've said here, but hope you'll explain so it's clearer. It seems like a part of this may be missing.


I'm confused as to what you mean by refusing sex but "I still did some of my "wifly things" for him". I would have assumed "wifely things" would be sex (though I would never consider sex a part of the "duties" of a wife) and hope you'll explain what you meant by that. I would say though, that if your husband (?) isn't interested in your marriage, or isn't interested in actively working to resolve the issues in your marriage but still wants sex, you're right to refuse him. Sex is something that's done in a marriage, a relationship, as a loving, bonding act; sex without commitment is an exercise and if you want a relationship/marriage, having sex with a man who's not interested in working on those will not keep him, and certainly will not improve your marriage/relationship, nor will it resolve your issues. If he wants sex, he needs to be in an active role of working towards resolution, period.


You mention playing a "cat and mouse" game with him, calling his bluff by suggesting divorce yourself and/or telling him if he wants a divorce he should get one. I would never, ever advocate anyone saying anything they didn't mean in a relationship. Never bluff, never threaten anything you aren't willing to carry out and never urge him to act on his wishes if it's not what you want to see happen. You may very well paint yourself into a corner and end up having to do what you said, or having him decide to go through with his decision based on your words. This is a very dangerous game and frankly, games never help relationships and never resolve problems. They do, however, create new problems, muddy the waters even more and cause more dysfunction, mistrust and do much more damage than was there to begin with. If you want a divorce, be clear, tell him you do, ask him to leave (or leave yourself) and begin proceedings. If you require active, honest work on your marriage in order to stay together (and I'd suggest that) tell him so, and tell him if he isn't interested in seeking the help of a therapist or counselor licensed in a field of couples counseling, tell him he'll have to leave the home -- it should go without saying that sex is not an option at this point. You've said you don't want to keep a man who doesn't want to be there, quite frankly, you can't. If he wants out, he can leave and he can almost certainly get a divorce whether you want it or not. But playing games and calling his bluff won't get you anything but more reason for him to leave, who would want to stay in such a tangled dysfunctional mess? I also ask you, do you want a man who stays (or comes crawling back) because he's been threatened? I would want a man there because he truly wanted to be and because he chose to be there -- independently, not due to any games or threats he'd been handed.


Finally, I would not advocate checking the internet for divorce information to proceed with. Information can be incorrect, outdated or not apply to your state, your county, or even the general rulings of the judges in your area. If you're seriously considering divorce -- and even if you're not but he is, I would strongly urge you to seek the advice of an attorney in your area. The first visit is considered a consultation and is free. He or she will be able to advise you what you should and should not do in order to protect yourself in the event he does file. Having a consultation does not obligate you to proceed with a divorce, separation or anything else, it simply helps you protect yourself and gain a lot of knowledge about divorce in your area.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"