lost in love...and paranoid

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2005
lost in love...and paranoid
3
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 1:29pm
I have been with this guy for a year and recently we moved in together and a week later he broke things off saying we needed to just be firends, becuas ehe can't handle my snooping and untrusting ways with him. I've had a bad experience with a cheater in the past and I know this guy doesn't cheat, but I'm always checking up on him and I get real emotional and jump to conclusions, jsut when things were getting better (cause we are still living together..just in seperate rooms) then I go checking his voice mails and he found out and is so mad, I cna't apologize enough, I have to get over my snooping ways...any hints on how to deal. I know I can trust this guy..thats if now I get the chance to trust him again cause I hope this isn't the end of us. I have to prove to him that i do trust him and love him. I need help! I'm paranoid
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 2:44pm

OH MY GOD!!! You are EXACTLY how I was in my last relationship. I think I was even worse? I use to go through his text messages when he was in the shower, I use to check his cell phone bill and then call the numbers that were listed. I even went as far as to install spyware on my computer so I could crack his password to his email account. Ummm, can you say PSYCHO!?!? Needless to say MY actions ruined our relationship. I can now say it was ALL MY FAULT. I was just looking and looking for something to happen. Well guess what? I never found anything that made me believe he was lying.

I have been to counseling because I have this jealous monster inside of me, that I just can't control. I have come to the conclusion that it's because I lack self confidence. Since I have been in counseling I feel 100% better. Im not saying that you should go to counseling, because that doesn't work all that well. My treatment to myself is reading. I know it sounds silly but READ. I read this book called "co-dependency no more" and I feel so much better. I also read self help books, I know it sounds silly and I didnt want to but now I am so glad that I did. Just read self help books to make you feel better about yourself...

I am warning you girlfriend, you keep it up and there is no turning back. He will get so fed up with your psycho ways that he will kick you out the door. That's what happened to me. After I begged and promised I would "get better" he was sick of it and we broke up.

I am new to this whole posting and responding thing, but I will check back to see if you have anymore questions of anything. Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 8:22pm

Ask yourself what is the worst thing that can happen? It's that he'll cheat and the relationship will end. Do you think snooping will prevent the cheating? Usually it won't. The snooping is more likely to end the relationship too. So you are doing two things that 1) will not prevent him from cheating and 2) will almost ensure the relationship ends. Sometimes we do things within a relationship to sabotage it, because we are so afraid it will end we'd rather be the one that ends it. The bad ending you create is easier than waiting and wondering if it will turn out good or bad, and the not knowing is hard to deal with. It's hard to trust, but trust is the only way to save the relationship!

The previous poster has a book recommendation, and that is a good idea. You can go to the library and look for books on trust and how to trust, I am sure there are a ton. The only thing I can think of is that when you want to snoop, you have to tell yourself that you are ruining the relationship by doing that and you have to face your fear, whether that is cheating or him dumping you or just not being in control. Ask yourself why you fear that and what you would do if your worst fear came true? Even if the worst thing did happen, you would dust yourself off and keep on going. If you keep snooping, you will destroy his trust in you and you'll end up moving on alone anyway, right? Snooping doesn't really make you feel better does it? It's a compulsion and you may be using it to avoid facing your fear that this relationship might actually work out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 2:06am

I'm a little confused. Here you say you're living with your boyfriend and have been together for approximately a year, but in your response to Ansgmiller, http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&msg=8878.4, you indicate you're married and have been together for some time. There you say your husband wants a divorce, that you've told him you're not going to file and that you can check the internet for divorce info if it comes to that. ??????? Very confused. What is your status and your situation? I'll respond to what you've said here and will post my response to your reply to Ansgsmiller under your response to her, but I'm hoping you'll explain what the situation is, because both can't be right and I suspect there may be a lot we aren't aware of???


You recognize your insecurity is due to a previous relationship and not due to anything your boyfriend (?) has done. What that clearly says is that the problem is yours, not his, and is due to your past, not your current situation. This problem has no place in your current relationship and your boyfriend shouldn't be paying the price for someone else's crime. Infidelity is a big issue. Once you've been faced with it, it can stay with you for life if you don't do what you need to do to get rid of it. I don't know when this infidelity took place, but I assume it was well over a year ago. The fact that you're not over it on your own and the fact that you cannot stop yourself from violating the privacy of a man you know is trustworthy says very clearly that you need to get yourself to a therapist asap and begin to do the work to deal with this past issue, resolve it once and for all so you can move forward with your life without it. You already know what the problem is, you already know what the cause is, and it's causing problems for your relationship, and may well have already destroyed it beyond repair; if it was something you were able to fix on your own you'd have done it by now. You need qualified help from a licensed therapist to help you deal with your problem so that it doesn't't continue to affect you.

When you think about it from his point of view, who can blame your boyfriend for being upset at his privacy being violated. I can tell you first hand it is extremely offensive to be suspected, checked up on, questioned, etc. when you have done nothing wrong and further, it is not in your morals, values or character to do what you're being suspected of. Imagine being innocent, having no thoughts or designs to cheat yet having the person who's supposed to be your partner, who's supposed to care about you basically tell you (by their suspicions and their actions) that they believe you capable of these things. It's offensive beyond description, a violation, and a slap in the face.

This is your problem, not his and if you don't take the steps you need to take to leave that baggage behind so you can move on with your life without it, it will most likely not only be the end of this relationship, but it will continue to affect every relationship you have unless you resolve it. And frankly, you don't deserve to have this dragging along with you throughout your life. You deserve a life free of it, it's not a burden you should have to continue to deal with.

I suggest you make an appointment with a therapist, then tell your boyfriend that you recognize the seriousness of the issue, know it's your problem and are actively taking steps to resolve it. In seeing you making an honest, real effort to deal with the issue and get it out of your life, your boyfriend may be willing to consider remaining in the relationship while you work to resolve it. Seeing you seek professional help would tell him you're serious about ending this issue. But, much more than that, you should get help to make your life better and to be free of it, not to make him happy or appease him. Make sense?

If you need help finding a qualified therapist,
Referrals For a Qualified Therapist and Your Therapist/Counselor's Credentials from our Information and Resources section may be helpful to you. Good luck!





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Edited 7/1/2005 2:18 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life








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