When is a mans sex peak?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
When is a mans sex peak?
10
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 2:50pm
I have a problem on my hands that is making me very upset and taking it's toll on my relationship. My boyfriend (soon to be engaged) RARELY makes love to me.In the past month we have 3 times. We have been together for almost a year now, and it's always been an issue. I enjoy making love, and he could do without it. It's a rare occasion when he actually wants to, so of course I NEVER turn him down! However, when I try to make the move I ALWAYS get shot down. We "talk" about it, which leads to a fight cause he says sex isn't everything to him. It makes me feel insecure that he doesn't find me irresistable (sp) and just can't wait to make love to me. I understand that he works alot, but atleast once a week we spend the same days off together. I am wondering if our age is playing a factor? I am 24 and he is 36, is he at his sexual peak and I missed the boat? Please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2005
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 5:37pm
First of all thanks for the advice on being paranoid about my man, damn are we going through some of the same things...ill give you my email, jennia1979@hotmail.com if you ever want to talk there cause i know it helps me tons, especially an outside perspective who has no bias. I am 26 and before my man and i broke up because of my snooping about a month before...well maybe a couple the same thing happened, so then i played with him. Make yourself unavailable to him some times, turn him down, yes its so hard especialyl when you hardly get it, but turn him down when he does come to you, then walk around in some sexy outfit or small sexy gestures, but dont' get close to him physically, just a brush here and there...to tease him. Men are creatures who use their eyes to get excited, us woman aren't always that way. I know I though damn I have a higher sex drive than my man, and he says i wanted it to much, but once or twice a week is not to much i though. But hold out, i'm sure his age makes a little more difference too, but don't argue about it either, just play hard to get. Men hate that, so deny him once so he knows how it feels really, cause he's never been denied, even if you have to think of who knows what to keep from giving in, then wait another day or so...still bein' your sexy ass self, and if he tried again great if not initiate when you know hes not tired, blow his mind away. Men alwyas want what they can't have, so when we put it out there they will be selfish. Especially cause we let them, we take it whenever they will look at us twice, (probably a little to do with the dependancy thing too) I am gonna probably get that book...one I'd recommend to you is "Woman who love to much" real cheap, great book, i just need to keep reading stuff, cause when i read that i was all empowerred and felt great, then its been a while and i fell itnto some of the same habits, the counseling thing your right isn't always the greatest, but some of it is. Anyways, just let him feel the denial too, and entice him but don't throw yourself at him. Remeber how sexy you are, and don't just think about him not finding you so attractive, think about whether you always find him so attractive, or if you just need him to find you sexy. He does or else he wouldn't be there, also spend some tiem away, even on your days off when you could just spend the whole day together, make some other plans, dont' be so available, its so good to have time out with the girls, even just lunch wiht my girlfriends make it so much better, and he always wants me more when ive been gone awaile and left him home alone!! TRy it! Have fun with it! Don't sweat it, you have to not try and push so hard or talk to him about it cause it just pushed them away, it may take soem time, but be patient, he will come back around. Promise!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 3:17am

Hate to tell you, Bmlo, but your problem is not about peaks, it's about a huge difference in your sex drives. He is not too interested in sex and he never will be, it's just him. You on the other hand have a much larger sex drive. You're not wrong and he's not wrong, you're just different. In this area, the two of you are not compatible.


I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I would caution you about moving forward to marriage with him. This issue already is a big problem for you, not only are you frustrated and unsatisfied, but you're also beginning to feel bad about yourself because of it. Being in a situation that your dissatisfied in and that's causing you to feel badly about yourself are huge red flags that this is not a good road to continue down. Existing problems tend to magnify in marriage, what bothers you a little before marriage will drive you nuts afterwards. There are a couple of reasons for that. One is that as time goes on things that are a bother to you that continue to be present become a bigger irritant, not a lesser one. I'm sure you've had that experience in life in general plenty of times. The other is that before you're married, the deal is not "set", your fiance is working a little harder to please you than he will once you're married and real life kicks in. That means if he's having sex with you even slightly more often than he'd really like to in an effort to keep you somewhat happy, that's going to stop. What you're getting for sex is at it's best right now, it won't get better, it will get worse. Guaranteed.

Many women have posted here saying they married their husbands knowing an issue really bugged them (usually sex, kissing or being emotionally or physically close), but figuring either their husband would get better (change) or they would get used to not having what they felt was missing. One after another, their posts tell the same story, women who have been married for ten or more years, who are deeply dissatisfied, aching for what they're missing. They find that their husband's don't change (no surprise, people don't change) and they also find that they don't get used to going without whatever is missing. Their desire for what's missing doesn't decrease, it increases and continues to do so as time goes on. Their miserable, unhappy and feel trapped. Their husband's are good men, good husbands, fathers, etc. They don't deserve to be left, but these wives feel their choices are to live life unhappy, always being without what they deeply miss and desire, knowing they have no chance at all to get it or leave their husbands and feel guilty for being so "selfish" and hurting these nice guys who don't deserve to be hurt. The guys haven't done anything wrong -- they showed themselves to be exactly who they were from the start. It's very important to take a good look at the reality of who your potential partner is and ask yourself if you can see yourself truly being happy with that person as things are now -- no changes for the rest of your life. Sex may seem trivial, you might feel it's a petty thing to end a relationship over but it's not, not at all. Sex is important and if your levels of sexual desire are vastly different, you're going to spend a lot of your life wishing, wanting and feeling bad. Feeling frustrated isn't something I'd want to live with.

I actually work with a woman who's in this type of marriage. Her sex drive is much higher than her husbands and always has been throughout their ten-year marriage. She's very often frustrated and its the cause of many problems in their marriage. She says she won't act on it, but she's confided in me that she fantasizes about having an affair very frequently. She loves her husband dearly and isn't lacking anything else in their relationship, but she deeply desires sex much more frequently and is remains very frustrated because of it.

In answer to your "peak" question, I once dated a man in his 50's who almost always initiated sex at least once a day. My husband, who's in his 40's would have sex three times every day if he could. No, I'm not exaggerating. Everyone's sex drive is different, your fiance's sex drive is just vastly different than yours. And it's an important issue, one that would be a deal breaker for me. I would suggest you follow the link below my "signature" to the "Clashing Libidos" board. There you'll find a board full of women who are in the same situation you're in. I suggest you consider posting there for their thoughts and I absolutely urge you to read through the posts that are there, clear back into the archives to see what kind of success rate, what kind of relationships these continue to be in order to give you a better idea of whether it's the kind of relationship you want to enter into for the rest of your life.

And for the record, sex once a month is not even close to being enough, IMO. You have every right to want and expect more and have nothing to feel bad about in wanting more. Your fiance is throwing you the guilt card in an attempt to put the blame/shame on you rather than accept and face that he is not as sexual as you'd like. It's pure avoidance and deflecting. You might want to think about whether you'd really want to spend your life with a man who'd knowingly give you guilt and shame, and do so rather than to deal with the situation honestly or accept responsibility. Personally, I'd want a man who was more caring for me, respectful of my feelings and honest enough to deal with the situation - not that being honest is going to change the fact that he's not interested in sex.

I wish I could give you a more positive response, but it is what it is.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 9:28am
Hello, I wanted to let you know that the Love & Sex channel has a message board dedicated to this specific topic, I hope you will take a moment to check out the Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 5:23pm
Defintely sounds like a difference in sex drives to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 1:00am
Bmlo before you completely throw away everything with this guy, you haven’t told us, is the intimacy something you can both work on or are you both steadfast in your ways? I ask this because it’s hard to believe that just because you’re different you are therefore incompatible. I am different from my DH in a MULTITUDE of ways I cannot even begin to express – doesn’t mean our marriage is doomed and we’ll be seeking out affairs. On the contrary we’ve both been married yep first timers and still going strong. Differences are what make us unique.
Difference is variety. While SOME people may find existing problems tend to magnify in marriage, remember there will always be issues and problems. But as a couple you learn to work them out. Not ALL men are on good behaviour bonds till marriage then turn into slobs you know. LOL I wonder where this idea even comes about. Things can get worse if you both let em. Successful marriage requires hard work from you both. If you’re willing to both put in the effort I have no doubt you will be happy.
I agree that everyones drive is different. For me it would not be a “deal breaker” as such – I can do with and I can do without, it’s not going to ruin my life unless I let it. If this case is infact about your partner making you feel guilty and shameful about being attracted to him I’d dump him like a sack of rotten potatoes off a wagon. I have a feeling there’s more to it than that.
OP can you tell us more? Are you and partner willing to work this out, can you talk about it rationally. Do you both want to work through this or is this a precursor to something that’s been festering for a long time. It it time to break up? Or are the good times just starting (albeit rocky)?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2005
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 1:36pm

Trying to get where you're coming from Little Tigerlily? You ask, "is the intimacy something you can both work on or are you both steadfast in your ways?"

The OP has already said she's dissatisfied with the amount of sex she's getting. To quote her, she said, "is making me very upset and taking it's toll on my relationship". She also said, "I enjoy making love, and he could do without it." Talks lead to fights because "he says sex isn't everything to him". She's already putting up with a lot less sex than she wants (and a lot of frustration and dissatisfaction because of it), he's arguing about how it's not everything to him, not looking for a way to satisfy her, how do you see working on it when he's made it pretty clear where he stands? He's NOT working on it -- and if once a month is working on it, heaven help me-lol!

I understand that sex is something you can take or leave, but the OP has made it clear it's not like that for her. He's not looking to work on it, she's been frustrated throughout the relationship and it's taking a toll on her self esteem, which is a huge warning of a relationship that is destroying you. Given the known facts, how is it you see this as a workable situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 11:10pm

Why shouldn't it be a workable situation? ESPECIALLY considering we know very VERY LITTLE about this couple. If the op and her partner are truly committed to working through this issue they have every chance to be happy. ATM we do not know if they are both or not.

I know the OP has said she is dissatisfied, her partner is obviously not on the same level so why break up an otherwise good relationship over one thing. Why not work through that together, communicate to each other. If neither want to work over this issue I would happily say break up and move on - but we don't know if they are committed to getting over this or not. If they are happy to disagree at least they know they have tried.

JMHO when tough issues come about you dont' have to drop everything and run. In marriage there's alot of up's and downs part of that maturity is saying we can do this together - there is a bigger picture, things do get better with work. Thats what committed relationships are all about. We don't know if the OP's partner has some kind of sexual dysfunction, emotional/abuse issues, or what have you - don't you think it's a little presumptuous to just say "dump him"? Has anyone sought to find out the root of this issue? Has there been any counselling to open up the lines of communication? Obviously they cannot talk about it without fighting - doesn't that signify that there is some kind of sensitivity to the subject and therefore sensitivity required????

You mentioned

"She's already putting up with a lot less sex than she wants (and a lot of frustration and dissatisfaction because of it), he's arguing about how it's not everything to him, not looking for a way to satisfy her, how do you see working on it when he's made it pretty clear where he stands? He's NOT working on it -- and if once a month is working on it, heaven help me-lol!"

Newsflash - not everything is about "her", she might be putting up with alot less, so does that mean "he's" putting up with all her nagging about how often to do it? Could he maybe be stressed or have other physiological functions making sexual activity painful physically or emotionally or both? It takes two to argue and one to make it stop. It's not his job to satisfy her and it's not her job to satisfy him - maybe thats why they're meeting so much RESISTANCE? It's not HIS job to "work on it" it takes two.

Relationships are not purely about self-gratification or self-satisfaction. There is another person involved as well. Sometimes you need to search a little deeper than the surface.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2005
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 3:30am

<>

Well, first of all she said that this has been a problem throughout their relationship, it's not something that's "come up". A problem that's been a problem since the beginning says it's not something that's going to resolve, it's an oil-and-water thing, if it were easily resolveable or compromiseable, they would have done that long ago. There are certainly lots of ups and downs in marriage, but this isn't a marriage and it's not about "ups and downs", this has been a "down" since the beginning. The question is, would you start a marriage when something that's very important to you is lacking and will continue to lack? Do you want to spend your life missing something that you want and need?

<

Relationships are not purely about self-gratification or self-satisfaction. There is another person involved as well. Sometimes you need to search a little deeper than the surface.>>

Truly, thanks for posting this part of your message, because this is where I came to understand your POV. Since sex isn't important to you, you don't understand or relate to the OP's want and need for it. Like you said, you can take it or leave it, as such it's perfectly understandable that you'd see the OP's need as "nagging", "self-gratification" and "self-satisfaction". Gotcha!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 2:44am

If the OP *has* said it's been an ongoing problem how can you be so sure it's "impossible to resolve?". By the way I never said sex wasn't important to me, I did say if all she's seeking is a basic gratification then yes there will be problems.

No one has sought here to find out if there is an underlying psychological or emotional problem. It's like a doctor looking at a patient and prescribing a medication when the problem really needs to be looked at closely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 3:35am

<<>>
Actually, you did. "For me it would not be a “deal breaker” as such – I can do with and I can do without"

<<>>
Right you are. But, since rather than stating he's concerned (or cares) that this is an issue for her (or him) and wants to look into possible resolutions of the problem, the OP's fiance instead says sex "isn't everything" to him. A diagnosis of underlying psychological or emotional problems cannot be made when the "patient" is not interested in a diagnosis or a cure. And if he's not interested in looking for solutions, the problem will not resolve, or get better. The responses she got were based on his lack of responsiveness to her wants and needs and his lack or responsiveness and willingness to look for a resolution, at least mine was. If the OP had said her fiance was concerned and cared about this, had voiced a desire or willingness to looked for a solution my answer would have been very different. I suspect the others would have been too.

Not only that, I suspect his attitude of "I'm perfectly happy the way things are, tough luck if you're not" will show itself in other areas of their relationship. He's not showing a willingness to compromise or a concern for her wants, needs and happiness. And that's not a good precursor to a good relationship.