my story..need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2005
my story..need help
6
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 10:03pm
okay, so heres the short version of a long story, technically i have a husband...on paper, but we refer to each other as b/f and g/f..well we did until recently, but no one knows of our marriage. We'd been together about 6 mo & decided that we would get married so he could file papers to stay in the country since his status was up soon and he was going to have to go back in a couple months when he was done with school, but i couldn't bear that nor could he, but didn't want to tell anyone, cause yes we knew thats how we wanted to be together, but to not hear my family tell me how soon and wrong it was, (and my mom to have a cow) so we'd put off telling anyone and did it. Thats how i can say im married, but call him my b/f too. He is wonderful, but i have this paranoid problem with snooping and he knew it at first after a few months, but i stopped and got better..i sought some professional help, then things were good, but he was under a lot of stress with a lot of things in his life and said that maybe we just needed to be friends, so he can work out his life, because hes putting really important things aside because of our relationship and he wants to be more established to take care of me and my daughter(which is not his biologically, but he loves her just as much), basically i think that i wasn't giving him any space in the relationship, so i started to, but we were still living together at the time, so slowly things fell back to the way the were, but we were more focused on those other things, working towards the better life, then we got a new place together...really nice..movin' up, then we got into a fight about a week after moving in and he says something about how i had no right to tell him what i was saying cause we weren't together...i guess i assumed things were that way again between us, we had been sleeping together, doing things, etc...etc.... so i told him if he wanted to jsut be friends and he needed space, then i'd give it to him. He even started sleeping in the extra room One of his frineds told me he freaked a little by the seriousness of our relationship and to just give him time but not worry about him cause he loved me..okay! Well he went out with his friends and cause we are "technically" not together he could do what he wants, i know deep down that hes not, he told me it was a relationship right now that he didn't want, he wants me, but the stress of the relationship right now wasn't good, and if we could just be friends...well then i went snooping again, and that bought me to the last post, because he found out and asked me, I didn't lie about it, but its brougth up some issues. I get emotional and jump to conclusions, he can't believe that when he tells me hes there and wants it all but needs to focus on other things i can't just let it go. And im so worried about what he might do cause of what my ex did, adn you know when i start PMSing, thats when this all comes up, almsot monthly, cause i get soooooooooooooooo emotional then. Now this last fight was the night before he had to go out of town to "supposedly see his brothers and a friend" I have no reason not to trust him, until i snooped and found out that he lied about who was picking him up a the airport on the other end, but then he explained it, and i knew he was not lying, it was a complicated situation and somewhat"not my business cause were not technically together" but he shared anyways...cause he cares... so i felt awful, when he was at the airport i called to say sorry, he said he wasn't sure he could live with me anymore and deal with my snooping, but he didn't know what to do, then said he didn't want to talk anymore and would call me later, that was about 36 hours ago and he hasn't called...i don't know what to do. A friend told me not to call him, and let him call me adn calm down and spend some time away. I know from agruments b4 that until he has calmed its not good to push him to talk, but im going crazy i sent him a text today that just said hi, hope your having fun,,,,,and no response. I am so confused and dont' know what to do. I dont know if im just holding onto something and his mind is elsewhere or what, and now i dont even know if i should call or leave him alone..he will be back on monday for sure thats all i know. i dont know how to ask him to forgive me and give me another chance. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 10:38pm
The whole relationship is not on solid ground, the relationship is just not a stable happy relationship and it sounds like the odds of it being one are very very slim. You do have issues to work on, it sounds like you are snooping out of insecurity and desperation, and until you get that taken of-you aren't going to be happy. I don't think you should be giving this man a free ride into this country,if this is the way he's acting towards you, you should divorce him, I think the law states that if the marriage doesn't last at least three years he does not have the right to stay in this country.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 11:54pm

Here are the links to Jennia1979's other two posts to help tie up any loose ends and give you all the benefit of her full story:


lost in love...and paranoid
Jennia1979’s response to Ansgmiller


Thanks for the explanation Jenn, it really helps, and I'll bet it feels better to have really explained it rather than to have tried to "dance" around it, yes?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-02-2005 - 1:09am

Jenni, thanks so much for posting a clearer picture of your situation.


You said you went to a counselor, a licensed counselor or therapist or someone else? How long did you go? Did you go until you decided to end it or did your sessions end because your counselor told you s/he felt you'd completely worked through your issues and there was no need for more sessions? I'm asking because it sounds very much like you could use some professional help (not a slam, I'm doing some therapy myself just now). But, until you fix yourself I don't think you're going to be able to make this or any other relationship work.


This is quite dysfunctional and getting more and more out of control. And while he may love your daughter, living in this environment is confusing for her and is sending her some very serious bad messages about relationships, how adults should conduct themselves in relationships and what she should look for in her own adult relationships (what she lives at home is her model for "perfect"). You want the problems to stop with you, not move on to her, right? Think of how confusing and stressful living in such a chaotic, confusing environment is for her. You owe it to her -- and you owe it to her to clear yourself up and end the dysfunction.


I was a little troubled by your statement, "Well he went out with his friends and cause we are "technically" not together he could do what he wants..."Whether you're married or dating, going out with your friends is not only acceptable, but it's something both parties should do on a regular basis. If you think a normal or correct relationship is one where once you're married or committed you spend every waking moment with each other or you forsake any and all others to be only with your bf/gf/wife/husband, you're wrong and are headed down a very miserable road. He should be able to go out regardless of his married status.


Once he's committed himself to marriage, it's too late to "be friends". If this is a marriage without real meaning, simply to keep him in the country (which doesn't seem to be the case), then the rules of marriage don't apply. If that's the case, I think you should end the marriage and let him deal with his immigration status on his own, as he should. If it's a real marriage, it's too late to go back to friends. I think you need to make a stand here and tell him he has a choice; if he wants to be "friends" he needs to move out and find his own place, period. No threat, no calling his bluff, no playing "cat and mouse". Say it only if you mean it and if you're willing to back it up, but you should say it because this is not okay the way it's going, and continuing like this isn't improving your chances of the relationship surviving, it's increasing the odds that it won't. If he moves out it may not survive either, but apart you won't have the constant issues, fights and posturing that's going on and you can spend some time getting some therapy to work on your problems. This is not healthy and it's not getting any better, it's time to stop the chaos.


I really, really urge you to get into therapy with a licensed therapist and work on yourself until your therapist says you're done. Even if this relationship doesn't survive, being with a therapist while you go through the end of it will help and the benefit of resolving your issues in therapy will benefit you for the rest of your life, benefit your daughter and will allow future relationships to be happy and healthy.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 07-02-2005 - 2:22pm

Your situation is very confusing to everyone involved because you are living a lie.

The days of just being "friends" are over for you and your significant other, because you are now MARRIED. You may not be in a stable, happy marital relationship, but you're legal. Therefore, there is no longer any way he can claim that you aren't together. The relationship may be stressed and fractured, but together you are, until the state says otherwise.

You can ease some of your problems by clearing out the underbrush:

1. Announce the marriage to family and friends. Place an announcement in the newspaper. Send a copy to your new in-laws (I think you will see some fireworks there).

2. Get yourself back into therapy. Not only do you need to work on your issues, but you will need someone to vent to when the fireworks start going off.

3. Decide what YOU want out of life. This is not just about your husband and what he wants/needs/expects--it's about you and your daughter, an innocent who has no control of the events swirling around her.

Good luck, and please keep posting. We're here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2005
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 12:36pm

Sounds like you let him use you to stay in the country. He seems to have no desire to have a REAL marriage. AS you can see by his behavior. If he loved YOU and wanted a REAL marriage with you he would not be catting around. At all.

I suggest you face the fact he does not love you, was using you to get in the country, and does not want a real marriage with you. Then, get a lawyer to draw up an annullment.

Next time dont let yourself be used that way. You are precious.. Find a man that loves YOU for YOU. Not for what you can do to keep him in this country.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2005
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 1:39pm
Ah Sweetie, you need to step out of this mess and get yourself back to therapy. This situation is no good and it won't get any better.