He isn't sure he wants children
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| Tue, 07-05-2005 - 4:10pm |
I'm dating a wonderful man who I love to pieces and he loves me. I have a problem, I am fairly certain I want children someday and he is unsure about it in either direction, yes or no.
I'm not sure what to do about this. I hate the thought of losing him because of this one issue and I definitly don't think I want to end things right now. There are times I feel unsure about having kids myself, but I feel like I lean more twords wanting kids someday rather than not (although I don't think I want them for a few more years). He seems to be stuck in the middle and can't decide either way even though the last few conversations leaned more twords not wanting them because he feels like he would never have time for him or be able to do the things he wants to do. He also seems afraid he would be a bad dad and that somehow it would ruin his marriage.
What makes this so hard for me is that he is unsure and hasn't decided either way. I feel like if he knew for sure one way or the other I would better be able to make a decision on wether or not this relationship should continue or not.
Has anyone ever been in the situation of where everything in the relationship is going extremely well except that the man you are dating is "unsure" about having children and you want them or vice versa? What did you do? How did it end up?
I realize this is something we will have to figure out ourselves, but I was just wondering if anyone could give me advice on sorting this out or if you could tell me how it worked out for you. I'd really appreciate it.

I was in that same situation when I was engaged. My then fiancee was terrified (or somewhat sure) he would be a horrible father because his dad is a horrible father (a decent person, but an uninvolved, uncaring parent). It was a huge fear for him. He was agreeable to having children but one day he said he was unsure, and he thought maybe would conclude later on after we were married that he wanted no children at all. I told him if he was going to marry me then he would have children with me, and if he didn't want children he should leave me. He stayed and we did get married. He was afraid of being a bad father pretty much until dd was one year old, when he was thrown into the fire (I had to start working a lot of overtime) and he finally bonded with dd. If I had realized he needed alone time to get his 'parenting legs' in order to bond with her, I would have given them more time together sooner. But as it turns out, it worked out fine father-daughter wise. Our marriage lasted 9 years and she was 3 when we separated, but by that time he was a very involved co-parent with me and now we have 50/50 joint custody. He does everything for her that I do, he even does her hair some days if she asks. He has no regrets about being a dad and my bet is that he is not done having children now that he knows what it's all about (the good and the bad).
IMHO when one person wants children and one doesn't, that is an unreasolvable conflict. He has to decide and then live with that decision, even if it means losing you. If I were you, I would not make any kind of long-term committment until he said one way or another he had reached a decision (even if he was not 100% sure of it, he can make a decision one way or the other). I knew I wanted children and I would not give that right up for anything or anyone. If you feel that strongly too, then stick by what you know you want. You can give him some time, and word it gently, but I would somehow say to him that at some point if he wants a future with you that future will be with children, and no children means no future with you. JMHO and what I did and would do.
Welcome to the board, Jfur5 ~
You're right, this is something you'll have to figure out on your own, but you're really smart to be looking at it seriously now rather than just floating along assuming it won't be a problem.
I have to tell you, I wasn't a gung-ho mamma. Plenty of years I wasn't sure whether I wanted kids or not, it seemed like a given that I'd have kids, but I had not burning desire and I put it off for many years, if I started to think about it I'd push the thinking aside with, "there's plenty of time to think about that". Then one day I realized I was 28 and there wasn't all this "plenty of time" anymore! Not that I thought I was ancient, but I kinda felt like if I was going to do it I should get started before I was 30. Like your boyfriend I wasn't sure I wanted to not have time to do what I wanted, etc. The decider for me, honestly, was that I knew I could decide not to have them, but I would reach a point that I could not decide to have them, if that makes any sense. I guess the moral of the story is that you can go into parenthood without a burning desire and not be willing to trade it for anything. Yes, your boyfriend's right, kids do take time away from what you want to do, money too, and sleep and lots of other things. For the first several years they suck the life right out of you, no lie, they consume every second. You'll sacrifice plenty and yes, it's difficult. But when it's your own child, it's different. And I cannot agree with Firstamendment more, the father having his own relationship with the child, finding his own way (not mom telling him how to hold, how to diaper, how to feed, etc.; him finding his own way is vitally important. Being directed by mom sends the message that he's less capable, he won't do it "right" on his own. Fact is, he'll do it a little different, but it'll be his way and it'll work great. Being left alone with the baby a lot is very important too. Baby needs to see dad as a support system just like mom. Those babies you see that cry when they go to dad do it because they're not comfortable with dad, they don't feel safe -- he doesn't handle the child enough. Sorry -- that's a little off the subject at hand.
You should also know that posts by women and men who are married to husbands and wives who absolutely do not want children while the posting party desperately wants them is not an uncommon. It's a sad situation where there are no winners and there is no compromise. If one party does not want children, that's the deciding vote. Kids need and deserve to be wanted by both parents. I've known people who grew up knowing their mother or father really didn't want them, didn't like kids, etc., and even though the parent was appropriate and kind the child knew. I also know a couple who, when they married, knew that they absolutely did not want children. A few years later, the wife realized she did want kids and the desire grew. Her husband, however, did not change from his original feeling. They ended up divorcing as it was the only way they could each have the kind of life wanted.
Of course, there's no guarantee that your boyfriend will be like me and decide to take the plunge. If you haven't, you might ask him if he's never thought about taking his kid to a game (if he's a sports guy) or introducing him/her to whatever activity he's interested in. Does he watch dads with kids ever and think about him being that guy? Has he thought about being an old man with no kids or grandchildren? Honestly, that thought never really bothered me, but my sister says the thought of growing old without kids who visit you wasn't a picture she liked seeing. You can't talk him into wanting kids, and you shouldn't try, just thinking of some situations that he may not have considered yet. Do any of his friends have kids? How old are you and he? If he's young, the chance of him thinking more favorably towards kids down the road is better, I think. It would be understandable that the last thing you'd want after finally leaving your parents home, standing on your own two feet and gaining financial independence would be to strap yourself down with kids!
Depending on your answer to the question, I agree with Firstamendment that I wouldn't make any drastic decisions at this point, but I would keep my awareness up on it, though it sounds like you're doing a good job of that. I wouldn't harp on it or bring it up too often or you're apt to make it a negative subject with him, but I think letting him know a decision against having children would definitely be a deal breaker is appropriate, not threateningly said, of course.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Understanding the Opposite Sex
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks for the replies. I really appreciate it.
My boyfriend and I have been dating almost a year now. He is 32 and I am 26.
Right now he is in a bit of a situation because he is having to live with his sister, her husband, two year old daughter with another baby on the way. He has been trying to sell a house that he owns 3 hours from where he is working/living now, for the past 3 years and it won't seem to sell. So I know that he is under a lot of stress and feels embarassed that he isn't living on his own at the age of 32. He feels like he hasn't had any time to do the things he wants to do and so I'm pretty certain that is a major part of why he is so unsure about children being in his future.
Even still, he has told me that he has never really pictured himself as a dad and he isn't so sure that never having kids would be a bad thing even when he's old and grey. Growing up he said he always sorta felt that his parents didn't want him. He is extremely worried that his kid would feel like he didn't want them to. He also feels like kids just don't like him. Even though his niece loves him to pieces. He's told me that he really loves his niece and thats why he is so unsure because he looks at her and thinks maybe he would want that someday. but, he feels like he is getting too old to be a dad. He is so good around her. He makes jokes with her and plays with her, etc, so I just don't understand why he feels like kids don't like him.
Another one of the things that makes him unsure is that he is so afraid that it would ruin his marriage. He thinks that having kids changes women for the worse. He somehow thinks that all women become moody monsters and stop making an effort to keep the relationship alive after having kids.
Before he dated me, he had lived with an ex gf who he dated for 4 years. She had two children from another man. This gf cheated on him all the time, stole money from him, was using drugs and often left for hours/days and he ended up doing almost all of the parenting of her children (aparently the children were badly misbehaved). I asked him why he stuck in that relationship for so long when it was going so badly and he said he felt like he couldn't leave because he was worried about the kids and he was afraid of what she might do to him (or her drug dealer friends would do to him) if he left.
He's had some really bad experiences and I often think that is probably why he feels the way he does. I've tried reasurring him that it would not be like that with me. I believe parenting is a two way street and I would never treat him that way. Nor do I belive that I would let our relationship slide or become a monster after having kids. My parents were never that way around me growing up and they still have a wonderful relationship. I am 100% certain that I would be the same way.
He is such a loving and caring person of others and I know that he would make a great dad someday. But, I also know I can't decide that for him.
Our relationship is still pretty young and I know that there is still time for it to grow before it develops into marriage talks. But I still think and worry about this sometimes. I did tell him a couple weeks ago that I would never agree to marry him or anyone else if they hadn't made up their mind on the children issue. And he knows that I do want them someday. I just hope that he will come to a decision on this(preferably to have kids) by the time our relationship gets to that level. But, if not, then I will have to move on I suppose even if that means loosing the man I love. :(
Sounds like he has been around children enough to know what he "does not want".
The question is, are you sure you want kids? Why do you want them?
When you look at some of the research, like one Dr Phil show said a few weeks back you find that 1/3 of the folks that had children regretted it. It is really not all it is cracked up to be. He sees the struggles with the children of the people he is living with and that is just the tip of the iceberg. Kids are expensive too, if you look at the USDA report on the net, kids cost between 180K and 260K to raise to age 17. You both will be working your butts off to support those kids. For 20 years.
Please decide why you want kids and see if you can compromise with this man and decide not to have them. If not, if you still want to have kids, graciously let this man go. He is choosing a smart decision, NOT to have children.
Just my opinion but your entire quality of life is much better NOT having and raising kids for 20 years. If you refrain from having children you have so much more love, time, energy, and everything else to offer to each other.
I want to add something. This man is smart and he is rare. Some women would jump at the chance of meeting a man who is smart enough to actually want to go against the crowd and refrain from creating children. Most men dont even care or consider the consequences of having and raising children. When you have kids it becomes your entire lifestyle. Kids shape the way you live the rest of your life. This man knows that will happen and does not choose the lifestyle changes that children bring.
And you would not probably just want ONE child either. You would maybe want TWO or THREE kids. What an extreme lifestyle change that would be. Who could stand it? Not me and I am a woman. I admire women and men who can raise children successfully, It is very very difficult.
Edited 7/6/2005 1:35 pm ET ET by tornadogirl2005
But thats just it, he hasn't decided that he does not want them. In our recent discussions he has given me many reasons not to have children but he always ends those conversations with "but maybe I'm wrong and maybe I would like children". Its so confusing.
I want kids because I enjoy being around them. I have always had a desire to know what its like to be a mother. I want to be able to bring a little person into this world and give him/her a little part of me and raise them with my values and help them to be a good person. I also don't like the thought of growing old without a family. Family is something that is very important to me and I know I would feel incomplete without it.
Yet on the same hand, I know that it would be expensive and yes very stressful at times. But I know in my heart that at the end of the day I would still be happy.
There are times that I have felt like maybe not having kids wouldn't be terrible. Especially now that one of my good friends had a baby recently and I've helped babysit and stuff. I am now begining to realize how hard this would be. But, I just have a strong feeling that I would regret not ever having children if I didnt.
So, do you see my delima? If he had come to a decision to not have children than yes I would have to end things. But, he hasn't made a decision. How do I let go of soemone I love so much when there is a possibility that he may want the same thing as me someday?? Thats why this is so hard. Its the not knowing either way that makes it so difficult.
I agree with you that it sounds like he's leaning pretty heavily towards no children, and he's had enough time around kids to make a fair judgment, but I don't think it's necessary to *know* why you want kids to have a valid reason to want them and certainly not to be a good parent. Some of the desire to have children, I think, is a natural urge, locked in at the beginning of time to keep humans (and animals) procreating and populating the earth. The need for that may be gone, for humans anyway, but tell your body to lose what nature implanted - lol!
Kids are a pain, no question, they DO take up your time and they absolutely are expensive, they always have been all of those things, that's nothing new. I think if you know you don't want kids you're better off not having them for sure, but those who do shouldn't have to logically define why they want them in order to be *valid*. Face it, stacking up the pros and cons, their are few, if any tangible reasons to have kids, they take your money, time, energy, etc., there are no logical reasons to have 'em. The rewards are illogical, non-tangible, emotional stuff.
Tornadogirl, I'm so sorry that happened to you. You had to have felt lied to, betrayed and deceived, total shock. If you read my post to the OP you know I know someone who was the one to change her mind in a similar situation. Lousy as it is, it can happen, even though everyone's beliefs and intentions are as up front and honest as they can be. All you can do is make your choices known, expect the other person to be as above-board as you're being and hope that he or she don't change their minds down the road.
You are to be commended for being responsible enough to take steps to avoid the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy, as well as being open and upfront about your choices from the start. I'm guessing you feel it's the only way to approach it and I completely agree, but there are many who would hedge on making their stand known, which only complicates matters and puts both parties in a position for a lot more heartache.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Understanding the Opposite Sex
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Boy, Jfur, your situation is confusing. In one description it sounds like he's pretty much made up his mind not to have kids, he just hasn't said the words yet, but in the next post, it doesn't sound like that at all. It might be that the though of being strapped down with more financial, physical and emotional responsibility, right now, when he's yet to gain total freedom himself, might be what's keeping the thought of children in a negative. I have to tell you too, that there are plenty of people who are great with kids but have no desire to have kids of their own. Don't be fooled or swayed by his actions with them, don't look at his interaction with them as "great potential as a father", potential can only be counted if he's actively working towards achieving that potential. In the end, hanging on for potential will see you a disappointed, frustrated woman who is no closer to getting what she wanted than she was in the beginning.
Tornadogirl brought up a good point, would you be satisfied with one child or do you know you'll want several? If the number is more than one, how does that match up to your boyfriend? I know he's really on the fence already, but it wouldn't be unusual to know whether you'd be willing to entertain the thought of one while more than that is completely out of the question. A good question to consider.
I would suggest that you tell him if he decides one way or the other at some point, he should tell you as soon as he knows. You need to have the knowledge so that you can know whether or not moving on is the right thing for you to do. I would also throw out there that at the almost a year mark things could still change between you and you may find that in the end the relationship isn't right, whether he decides he wants kids or not. One more piece of advice, and I hope you hang onto this one. Set an age that is absolutely the oldest you want to be before having your child (or your first child), subtract two years and make that your mental deadline. If he hasn't made up his mind by your deadline date, move on. Two years will give you time to find someone who's interested in starting a family and will give you time to get pregnant too. What should only take a month or two often ends up taking more than six months.
Good luck with this, keep us posted, okay?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Understanding the Opposite Sex
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"