Long story... sigh...
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Long story... sigh...
| Wed, 07-06-2005 - 11:09am |
I have been with my fiance for 3 years now. Well, a little over 3 years. We have a daughter that just turned 2 on June 16th. Yes, we had an unexpected surprise by our daughter. ALways use protection, lol. I'm 24 and he's 28. Anyway... When I first met my fiance, we slept together. It was not a planned thing, neither one of us were drunk. We were actualy just there to talk about computers and the like since I had a problem with mine and he is a genius when it comes to electronics, especialy the computer. But a little over an hour after being in his prescene, we slept together. And I do know that I was the one that initiated it. I had never done anythign like that in my life. I'm not one for casual sex nor do I do one nighter's. Well, aparently we liked something about the other after that. He wanted to date, and at first, I was so darn attracted to him, I just wanted to sleep with him. ANd the funny thing is, he didn't just want sex even though I did. It's like we had switched "society's stereotypes" and I was the one thinking with nothing but what was between my legs. ANway, a relationship grew. ANd I began to fall in love, quickly. But I refused to say it, since by this time, it had only been about 5 months together and I was afraid it was just lust. I moved in with him. Still not sure how that happened but I did. We did everything rushed too. I mean, we had sex way to early together, we moved in way to early together, we had a baby way to early together... When I moved in with him, he was the first to try and tell me he was in love with me. But I wouldn't let him tell me. Then, low and behold, the emotion just wells up inside of me and I expell it all over him. I love him, I'm in love with him! And he was happy, as was I. Well, I become pregnant. Honestly, one time without protection was plenty enough time for our daughter to come into this world. And we were happy. At this time, my fiance was working at a local convenient store. He had never gone to college and so could not get the job he deserved. Which is a shame since he's a genius with computers! Well, we move near my mother because I wanted to be near my mom since I was pregnant. And problems started. Not between us, not yet, but between him and my step-father. My step-father does not like my fiance. Nor does my dad for that matter. They both believe him to be a hopeless bum because he never went to college. My dad always claims he will never live up to the potential he has, and my dad says it saddens him. He thinks I can do better and always tells me my fiance has yet to proove himself to him about taking care of his daughter. Well, my faince worked long hours to pay the bills and care for me while I was pregnant. i could not work as my pregnancey become very hazardous to my health and was virtualy bed ridden. Then the baby came. And our first relationship problems started. Now I know it has never been my daughter's fault. SHe's not to blame for anythign between us. However, since she came intot he picture, nothing has been the same. At first the were minor problems. I have never been the type to like babies much. My daughter is the first baby I have ever held let alone messed with. ANyway, my fiance is a bear when it comes to getting up in the morning. And I mean a real bear, with growling... He is not a morning person. Well, our daughter coliced fr 3 months straight. I felt he did not help enough with her. Then some how or another, my fiance picked up this impulsive spending money habit. And our problems grew. He liked to spend the money as soon as it was made. We fought hard over that. ANd we quickly got it under control, back then that is. But the helping out with our daughter remained. He would sleep right through her crying and hardly moved when I'd try and wake him to help with her. If you have a child that coliced, then you know what I went through. it wa hell for me! One, I had no idea what I was doing, and two, I also enjoy my sleep and hate it being interrupted. There were times I would cry and cry for the guilt that i may have handled her to roughly when she was a newborn. I would call my mother at 3 in the morning crying and saying i was giveing my daughter up for adoption, that I just couldn't take it anymore! ANd he would sleep through it all. I think for 4 months I slept about an hour a night for that period of time. Depression kicked in, and on top of that, I had post pardom. To back track slightly, befor I met my fiance, i was already on a pill because I had horrible panic attacks. Then since I had a slight case of depression to go with my panic attacks, I was on welbutrin. Well, when you become pregnant, you can't take any sort of drugs, prescription or otherwise, unless it's nt harmful to the baby. Surprisinly, during my prgenancey, I never had a panic attack. Oh, and my pregnancey wasn't only ahzardous to my health or the baby's, it was also bad because I kept nasuea(sp) throughout it, unable to eat anythign and visiting the hospital every week to have flluids pumped into me to keep me well nurished. OK... a hurricane hits our part of Texas, which is where we were living. Were my fiance was working, and he was being trained for assistant manager too, the hurricane took out the over hang and gas pumps so the sore was closed down for a week. Well, my parents own a horse farm in Texas and during that week, we were out helping them clean up. He missed a call to come into work to help clean up the inside of the store and because of that, the current woman whom was in charge of the store becasue the original manager quit to open a video store, fired my fiance. She had been searching for a reason to fire him since she knew he was going to take her job. So, hard times hit us in the money area. By this time, I was ready to go back to college and get my degree. My father was after me to move back to Kentucky, which is where I'm originaly from. He travels and is home one month out of the year and wanted me to live in his house, rent free mind you, and take care of it and finish school. He also promised to help my fiance find a good job that paid very well. SO we moved to Ky. We moved into my dads house and began from there. My dad wasn't home yet so my fiance had to go off and work wher ehe could. And I began the process of beginning school by getting financial aid. our problems got worse. My dad is an alcoholic. ANd since I was home, he started to fly in more and more. ANd when he's home, he drinks the entire time. So he clashed with my fiance. I had to stop a fight that my father started. It was horrible living under his roof and when he wasn't there, my grandmother, his mother, and my uncle, his eldest brother, was always there to "check up" on us. We were "in trouble" with my father allt he time. The grass never was mowed well enough, the house never clean enough. One time, we brought out my dad's old comic books to read them, since, essentialy, my dad gave them to me long ago, and was accused of selling them on Ebay! Then my fiance was accused of downloading every bad thing he could find on the internet. One, sure, we've downloaded music and movies fromt he internet. Yeah, we're guilty of doing that. But how in the world did my family find out stuff like that without getting on our computer? And why were they blabing about porn and governemtn tapes to my father??? This only made things stressfull for me and my fiance. My dad always yelling at me on the phone, my grnadmother and uncle showing up at unexpected times, all the times of the day, and always causing trouble. Aned when my dad wa sin town, it just got worse. So, we moved out, after getting the money. We rented a four bedroom house with my best friend. And then we brought in another guy whom my fiance had befriended. My best friend falls for htis guy and problems begin again. The outcome was, the guy whom we thought was a friend turned out to be nothing but a liar and played with my friends heart and jipped us on rent money. But stress was still high. We fought constantly, me and my fiance. Over my dad and his rantings, and trust me, I did not go into major detail when I explained what it wa slike at my dads. We fought about the guy and my friend. We fought about the taking care of the baby. And we fought because I did not have a job. I was, by this time, an at home mother, and it nearly killed me. i am accustomed to working. And not having a job was stressful, But my fiance had insisted I stay at home with the babyb untill she was at least three, and go to school only. Well, we couldn't keep the house because my friend decided to move out with the guy. So back to dad's we went. Hell started again. Then finaly, we got our own apartment. Now, once again, I did not leanr my lesson and another friend of mine and his girlfriend moved in to room with us. We have a three bedroom. and the apartment is huge. Problems have been horrid since coming here. The roomates split ip their reltionship. And this was after a long drawn out thing from me and my fiance watching my friend, whom always was the most nicest guy, turn into this evil being and treat her like crap. And she and I clashed because I stuck my nose in their business and tried to tell her. But we settled and they split. But our lease is a year long. SO, to mak it all work till then, she movedinto my daughter's room, my daughter took our old room and we moved out to the living room. OK... after typing all of that, here is where me and my fiance's problems lie and how they are. Finances are horrible as I could not find a job for a very long time because the economy around here is awful. We have scrimped and saved and even had to ask my parents for money on occasion. Can't ask his parents as, anothe rlong story in itself, they belive that once you hit 18 years old, you're on your own. We fight over everything. He;s on the computer and, God forbid I ask him a question when he's "working". The baby wakes up and I want to sleep in on that day. he doesn';t want to get up as his job is more stressful then mine he says. The housework isnot shared. ANd yes, when I wasn't working, I did it all becaus eI was the one home. Now, he doesn't think he should do any of it since he has the more stressful job. Plus, I'm the mother and the woman he says. Then there's even smaller, nity grity details... He spends to much time at a friends house and late into the evening and sometimes doesn't come home untill 1 or 2 in the morning. No, he can't do that, he's a family man now!!! We communicate horribly. We always take what the other said as though they are attacking the other. No matter ow little it is. We let other peoples problems that do cause tension ni the house affect us. So then, when the roomates do something that is irritating, even though it is so small, we let it get to us at high levels. We always have an arguement everyday. Most of the time it's minor and not bad, then the hte other half, it excels and we have throwing-things-at-the-wall matches. I'm depressed, my panic attacks are coming back in small doses meaning, right now, my chest just hurts and my breath catches. The baby is in her terrible twos and I don;t have a clue what to do about her. She has taught me a thing called patience though. At least, when it comes to her. my fiance comes home, irritable from work, he works at Valvoline. He's nic fitting, we both smoke and do not have the money all the time for a pack of our nasty habit. The baby's milk always comes first. And sometimes he gets so angry when I have to remind him of this. We fight because nicotine is a terrible drug and when it's suddenlyu cut off... look out! We fight over who left the light on, we fight over who's dish is whos that was left out. We fight over how much I smoke. We fight over a friend of mine whom smokes pot and whenever I'm around her, he thinks I am too. We fight over the fact that whenever I'm completely enthralled in something, I can't hear a word anyone says to me. We fight over him taking off to a friends house because he wants to not only visit but he works on their ocmputer, and other's too. Sure, I'm invited but I don't feel comfortable taking my 2 year old to ahouse with conputer parts strung about. We fight over everything! And I don't knwo how to stop it. Seeking professional help is out of the question since one, we don't have insurance and two we can't afford it. Thigns get so bad on occasion, we do shout names at each other, we threaten taking our daughter from one another, all sorts of things. But we love each other if you can believe that. I love this man with all my hearet and soul. I don't want to leave him, but I can';t take this anymore. I hate it. I'm miserable and he knows it. And I jsut wish we could find somethign that would work for us.

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In your last line you said "And I just wish we could find something that would work for us." Well what you do know is that what you're doing isn't working so you need to do something quite different, right?
A few questions for better understanding and clarity. If any of my questions offend you, I apologize, it's not my intent.
You may love him to death, but from your description your fiance sounds very self-centered, immature and irresponsible. Much as you'd like, you can't make him grow up, be responsible, act accordingly and pull his weight. It also sounds like the two of you have some very different views on gender roles, and I suspect a lot more differences than that. That happens when you dive into a relationship without giving yourselves time to get to know each other fully, and those issues aren't going to just go away. Your relationship is spiraling out of control. It sounds like it's not getting better, but progressively getting worse.
Here's the really serious stuff. Your baby may be in the "terrible twos", but I'm willing to bet a great amount of what you're seeing from her is a reaction to the chaos, anger, confusion and drama that's going on all around her every day. Stop for a minute and think about what she sees, what she hears, what anger and frustration she can sense from the two of you. Does it seem like a warm, healthy, safe, happy environment to you? The two people she loves, the people she trusts to protect her are screaming at each other, have hate vibes radiating off themselves, are throwing things at the walls (very scary, even for adults -- just imagine how scary it is for her). She lives in a war zone and she's reacting to it. This is no way for any child to grow up. This is harmful and will affect her entire life. I know you didn't stay off Welbutrin during pregnancy so you could harm her emotionally after she was born, but sweetie, this environment is dangerously caustic. Do you realize at the very least (and I do mean least) she's learning that mommies and daddies scream awful words and threats at each other, they yell at each other all the time and they throw things? Do you realize you two are her role models for how grown ups act and how it's "normal" to behave? If for no other reason, you've got to stop this for her. If the two of you can't get it right together, then you need to get apart, work on it without living together and not move back together until you can do so as loving partners.
You said counseling is not an option. Why? Your state/county/city or other local mental health office can offer you free or low cost counseling, call them for a referral. If you're seeing an MD about your anxiety and depression, you should also be seeing a counselor or therapist. Explain your financial situation and ask your doctor for a referral. Seeing a therapist who can work on the cause of the anxiety and depression rather than just mask it with medication is appropriate. It certainly could be chemical in nature rather than emotionally based, but until you've explored that, you don't know. I don't know how much you make, but if you're considered low income, the state almost certainly offers insurance coverage for you at a low cost that includes mental health.
Let us know the answers to the questions I've asked so we can have a better grasp on your situation, okay?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Understanding the Opposite Sex
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Chaos and drama has always followed me in the sense that, if my dad was near, then there was chaos.
I'm not back on my meds as I don't have insurance to cover it and since they won't let me have medicaid, I just can't dish out the 95-146$ a month for them.
I still have another 3 years to go before I'm finished with college.
My grandmother and uncle making things up to tell my dad... That's a tough one as I don't know why. The only thing I can figure is this: In my dad's family, the parent always knows best. No matter what, you are to listen to them. No matter what, they are not to loose any of the family to anyone else. My parents are divorced. My mother lost custody of me and my dad took advantage of it and my mom couldnt find me for 2 years. Since my mother got custody of me from age 12, my dads family has hated her, basicly because dad lost what he was not allowed to loose. Why are they like this? I haven't a clue, but it's true. ANd coming to check on me, my dad's family teaches you to be perfect. Perfect in everything from, the dishes must be stacked, trim in line, sink must be dry immediatly when you're through washing dishes. The car must be washed and waxed twice a week. clothes always in order, never wear jeans kind of thing. Hair always pulled out of the face and what not. There is more, but it would take up to much time to type it all.
You could say me and my father have different idead of what is acceptable and what's not. But when it came to the lawn and stuff, he was never there to actualy see, it was my family. Of course I'm going to defend myself and say yes, everything wa as perfect as I could make it. Lawn was mowed twice a week, dishes done every night before bed.
My mother thinks that, number one, get as far away from my dad and hi family as possible. She thinks that, all in all, I'm doing pretty good when it comes to the economy and holding down a job. She believes that, since me and my faince love each other so much, that we should be willing to do anything to be together and live as harmoniously as possible. She just wants me to be happy. She is my best friend and always has been and I'm proud to admit that.
My fiance works 62+ hours a week, then find the time for a second job working at least 30+ hours a week. He works for Valvoline as his main job, and makes pretty good pay. As his second, he climbs towers to install power boxes for internet services, at night. My faher calls him a bum because he does not own a company nor is he a doctor or a lawyer, and especialy because he never went to college. And no, my dad refused to help my fiance when we first moved here, saying my fiance had to proove himself worthy of his help. Yes, my fiance has applied at everything from CompUSA to IBM, and my step dad did relent and give him a reference to IBM, since my step-dad works there but they all have said the same, Must have college degree. AN my fiance always tried to better himself. He lucked out when he became hired by Valvoline. One, he is a whiz at cars too, and he loves it there, and two, he is currently in training to be ass. manager and then on to manage his own store. And my fiance grabs every job listing he sees working with computers, but everyone wants a college degree.
Yes, I'm working now. ANd he didn't really refuse to let me work, he jsut said he would prefer me to take care of our daughter untill she was three as did I but it was not necessary. Finances have insisted that I work, but not terribly so, I just can't stand being home all the time and making him work. He doesn't mind if I work, he just "wants to be the one to take care of me and our family" as he puts it. And a friend of mine watches my daughter for free while we both work, only circumstances allow her to watch her after 10:30 in the mornign and only untill 7 at night.
My finace is very selfish and self centered. And at the same time he's very selfless and considerate. It's a flip flop. I don't know what to do about any of it and yes, I'm well aware that it takes two to make a relationship to work. We have discussed counseling but there isn't any free services here and right now we cannot afford a small rate. It's either free or nothing. Expenses in this part of the ocuntry are outrageous for one. But since I cannot get medicaid nor can he, we are stuck. So sometimes we have a friend mediate and that does help. And we do become better, our fights less frequent but always they are still there. We did dive into a relationbship was to fast we both know this. But since we love each other so darn much, we refuse to give each other up. There are things he does I just can't stand and I'm sure vice versus.
My fiance hates how we fight. But he's always been the type of person to get over anything after 5 minutes to an hour has gone by and say he's sorry and let it go. I hold grudges. I can't help it but when it's a continuous thing, I don't get over it quite so easily. He does admit to me he cause over half the problems. But it's like it's a part of his personality. He works on one end of himself and omcpletely forgets te other. I don't know.
My daughter never sees the actual fight, nor does she ever hear it. I know this for fact because I make sur eof it. But as for feelign the tension in the house, I'm sure she does feel it. It's the main reason why I want it all to stop. I can't stand for her to know something went on. But no, we never fight in front of her and she never sees or hears it. And believe me, I KNOW she never sees it or hears it. But I'm fully well aware that children can sense these things. And I am trying to figure out the best thing to do for her, even if that measn leaving her father.
And as I said before, the only way I can get free counseling is if I am on medicaid or if the local university is offering a free counseling session for their students to be the advisor in. I've checked into a small flat rate of one and the cheapest we could get would be 200 a session. I do not have the. And no, I cannot afford my prescriptions. I don't have insurance, i don't have medicaid, so I do not have a doctor. And my pills would cost anywhere from 95-146 dollars for a prescription fill and that is only 30 pills. I can't afford that. I don't have a doctor to explain these things too as I cannot even afford a doctor's visit. I have looked in every angle to help us out, and untill we have the cash, we cannot do the counselig thing and I cannot do the medication thing. I know seeing a therapist would help greatly. it's what I really want to do. I simply canot afford it. And my state is screwy meaning, they do not offer much in the way for low income people. As I've said, I've checked into it and here in my city, a low income based payment to a local therapist wuld be 200 dollars an hour. I cannot afford that. They won't give me medicaid and we cannot afford the insurance my fiances work offers, although I wouldn't be covered ont hat untill we were married. We are simply stuck.
I tried to follow your story as best I could - tho it was really difficult to read - if you were my friend, I would kicking you in the butt! Here are my suggestions:
1) If you haven't done so yet, find yourself a small 2 BR apt with no roommates
2) Cut off all contact w/your dad & his family (they are controlling and emotionally unhealthy - until you have professional help on your side, you can't deal with this). And btw - why on EARTH would you decide to move in w/an alcoholic when you have a baby? Be responsible.
3) Listen to your mother and lean on her for support.
4) Go to message boards like this and find EVERY budgeting, penny saving idea you can. I have a feeling you two are not doing as well financially you maybe could...he works 2 jobs, you work 1 job and you can't afford anything?
5) Go to the library and take out some self help books on couples communication, couples problem solving, self esteem, depression, etc. Even if you had a therapist, you would have to do the work yourself - s/he would just help you get there faster. Books can help you too. Ask your fiance to read them as well and even better, if you can read stuff together it might help you two bond more.
6) Create a plan. What are you and your fiance working towards? What are your hopes and dreams in life?
7) Stay calm. You cannot control your life around you - but you can control your reaction to it. Don't get upset and remember that you are doing the best you can. If things go off the rails, remember that before you panic or get upset.
Realize that being w/o money is a difficult struggle but you can do this. And it WILL get better especially if you keep plugging away at it.
Bright blessings,
Go.
I agree with most of what you've said. The place that I differ is that self help books can take the place of counseling or that a counselor simply "gets you there faster". There are so many issues from the past that bring you to how you are today and without professional training you are simply not able to see them. Often, even identifying what you can on your own isn't enough. Accurately identifying those things and doing what needs to be done to effectively work through them are two different things. What you can see and recognize and what a trained professional recognizes as issues that likely enter in are two vastly different things. When trained and licensed professional therapists run into problems of their own they seek the help of fellow therapists to help them effectively get through them. They don't need self help books, they have the training that goes into those books and more already, they seek professional help because they know they're too close to recognize the issues that need to be looked at and addressed. Self help books are great for minor problems, or to keep brushed up on things that aren't real problems for you, but if you're really having trouble, you're not going do much more than a minor clean up by using books.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Understanding the Opposite Sex
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Are you currently in college? If so, your student health services will offer very low cost counseling and medical and if you haven't approached them to inquire as to how to get help paying for your prescription, as well as counseling services for you and your relationship, you need to.
I believe all state's offer a low-cost health plan for low income folks. The insurance is based on your income, ask at your county/public health, state family services office or other local agency for information.
I'm not saying any of this is easy, it takes real work to do the legwork to get what you need, but it's what you have to do. I know programs and services have been cut nationwide, it's harder to get help for mental health than it used to be. Keep checking for other sources and be sure to ask all you contact for suggestions and direction of where you might find help. I'd also think since your family's been willing to help you out financially all along, they'd be willing to help you pay for your medications, it's certainly necessary!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Understanding the Opposite Sex
Edited 7/8/2005 1:19 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Now the rest.
Chaos and drama may have previously only been in your life with relation to your father, but take a look, it's gone way beyond that now; even the way you went about entering into your relationship was chaotic and dramatic.
Some things that pop out for me:
You may not see it, but I'm betting things would be better if you were on your meds. I'm also betting you don't agree and you don't see that being off your meds is making one drop of difference. That's an absolutely typical perception for people who are not on their meds. Do everything you can to get back on them and see if it doesn't make a huge difference. After you've been on them long enough for them to balance in your system (and that takes a while), ask your friends and your fiance if any differences are noted. Maybe you won't have to, you'll see the difference yourself. What you have to know is that being off your meds is not helping the situation and isn't helping your ability to deal with it and react to it.
I know you needed a place to stay, but I'm going to say it anyway. If you knew what your father would expect/demand of you while living in his house, it was yours to accept and comply with or choose to live elsewhere. What I still don't get is why he'd continue to believe your grandmother and aunt when he was there frequently and could see for himself what they were saying wasn't true. Why was your fiance's mother and brother involved in false reporting to your father? So you know how your father is and know what to expect if you involve yourself with his help, you can choose to go into it and comply (it's his house, his rules) or go elsewhere. He may be way out of line in what he demands, but if you choose to be there, you know what's expected.
The days of very many people being able to afford the luxury of one-person incomes are pretty much over. Like it or not, reality says most of us have to work, and honestly? in your situation (unmarried) not working means you can't even begin to support yourself and that's a very dangerous situation for any woman to allow herself to be in. The responsibility of a baby adds to that, and, while it wouldn't be any less important to be able to stand on your own whether you were getting along or not, the fact that your relationship is in chaos makes it even more important for you to be in -- and stay in -- the workforce. If your fiance is working the 18 hours a day you outlined, he only has six hours off a day in a five-day week. That would cut down fighting considerably during his work week (you don't see him) and would explain a lot of the fighting you do -- he's exhausted all the time. I have to agree with Goroque that your finances are probably a lot tougher than you let on if he's voluntarily working those hours and you're working too.
You've illustrated many instances of your fiance being selfish, self centered and immature, but haven't given us any "for instances" of his being selfless and considerate. His getting over fights in five minutes is an example of him choosing not to maintain control of himself. If he can "get over it" in five minutes, he can keep control and not get into a fight to begin with.
If your daughter never sees or hears you fight, that means you only fight when she's not at home. That would also mean that while she is home you're able to maintain yourselves without fighting; if you can do that when she's home, you should be able to stay in control when she's not home and talk rather than scream, threaten and throw things.
What I meant when I asked you what your fiance thought about your relationship was, has his thinking changed (women's roles, being out when he wants, ignoring the baby, making you responsible for all her needs, especially during trying times -- in short, not being a partner). What does he think about those things? Is he willing to work to change these things about himself? Is he working on them now?
Honestly, sweetie, you've shared a lot that indicates your issues are rooted years before you met your fiance, not a surprise, most of our issues do. Adding your fiance and your baby to this has made it difficult for you. I don't think you can achieve a happy, healthy self or relationship without working on both with a licensed, qualified therapist on both issues, yourself and your relationship. Please know I'm not saying your fiance is blameless, not at all -- he's showing himself to be a very poor partner. He may be working hard to provide, but that's not what I'm talking about. Addressing your own issues in therapy and getting back on meds I think will make a big difference. It'll help by changing the way you see the "today issues" your dealing with and will change the way you deal with them also. Your therapist will tell you when it's appropriate to begin couples therapy. But I think it's vital for you, your baby, and your relationship that you do.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Understanding the Opposite Sex
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Another thought - please check with a social services worker on applying for Medicaid. I know you said you'd been turned down, and I'm not sure the service I'm thinking of is applying for Medicaid or Social Security Benefits, but one of them is known for being very difficult to be accepted into. For one of those programs it's typical to have to apply three times before being accepted. That means having your application denied twice and re-applying. The process takes months. It's a hassle, yes, and absolutely ridiculous, but that's the way it is. Ask social services personnel for direction and assistance. Don't ask Social Security folks, you're not apt to get the same answer, they don't want you to apply again!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Understanding the Opposite Sex
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You sound so confused, sweetie. You've captured every little nuance of your life and packed it into a tiny box and now you it's like a pile of snakes - you can't tell a head from a tail.
One thing you might do is take everything you've written here and separate onto 3x5 cards. Put each problem on a card and then arrange them from worst to least. Take the very least one and study it. Is there a solution? What would the solutions be? What would help minimize this problem? Write down each and every solution you can think of on the back of the card, then move on to the next card and so forth until you have written possible solutions to each problem.
This doesn't mean each solution is right or actually going to happen for you, but you're giving yourself options. By writing everything down you have a better visual sense of what's going on and how things might be improved. And you can see which option might actually be best.
I'm inclined to agree with some of the other posters in that you need to get away from your dad's family. They are a negative influence on you. If they really wanted to be helpful they could make sure you get the medications you need for the mental strength it takes to face these problems. If your mom is your best friend and supporter, then why let yourself be tortured by your dad and his family?
Your husband is working two jobs. I'd hardly call that being a bum, but if he makes a decent living he should be providing medical insurance for his family. Not having insurance isn't an option these days. Something as simple as having your appendix removed could put you in financial ruin or in debt for years to come. I know how difficult things are economically these days. My husband has been out of work since March and I'm trying to support a family of 4 on a secretary's salary. Still, I would never sacrifice my medical insurance.
I think there's a lot going on in your life. Some of it is real and some of it you've probably over-analyzed to death, but that may be a result of you needing to be on medication. You've let a lot of issues build up and now you probably feel like you're drowning in them. What you have to do is wade through everything and determine what is best and right for YOU. When you decide what's best and right for YOU you will, in turn, make things better for everyone because you will feel better about yourself and your situation.
Please stay in touch and talk and vent whenever you need to. I know life can be very tough, especially when you're young and struggling. Please take care of yourself. HUGS
I would love to be back on my meds. I know they would help me in so many things. Aside from what counseling can do.
I knew what my father could do and probably would do. But like most people, I was hopeing that this time, maybe just this once, he would change to a point. Maybe, since I was in a family now, he would leave me be somewhat. Well, I was wrong. ANd no, I will never accept that he will not change. I am his daughter and I believe that one day he will see me for who I am and accept. I cannot tell you why he would believe my grandmother and uncle over me. All I know is that when he would come into town on his vacation days from work, and he would stay out there the week he waws home because, it is his home, he would yell at us about everything they had to say about us. And my fiance's mother was not involved at all. And he does not have a brother. I'm not sure where you found that, lol, but no she was never involved. And yeah, if I choose to stay in his house, I will follow his rules to a point. But as I've said, I refuse to bow to far down and I will always belive that there's a chance he will change.
I am working. It's why I pushed why I needed to work to my fiance, especialy after the baby was born. My fiance works 60+ hours or more a week, yeah. But other then his 9 hour days at Vlavoline, 6 days a week with one day off, the other hours of work are for his part time. This he does on his day off and throughout the week after work, sometimes not haveng to leave the house to do and working from the computer. And yeah, my finances are allot worse. I just realized I never explained that my fiance has a 6 year old whom he is paying childsupport on. And because she lives in Texas, my fiance has half his paycheck taken out and sent there. The last 2 months they have up'ed his payment, and we haven't a clue why nor a way to find out as the general he speaks to about these matters told hiimt hat he should have "thought twice before having another kid, it was not her problem and never will be." Then I have to pay back 1000 dollars of my student loan because I failed my algebra class last semester. Just to defend myself for failing, one I cannot grasp algebra very well even though I have tutors, and two, I actualy made a low B. But because I had to take of for two weeks of school to fly down to Texas because of some family issues that I was needed and could not get out of, my professor counted off because of my missed days. I did explain the situation to her but, college is my responsibility and mine alone. It is my duty to be there, I realize this. This is why our financial state is bad at the moment.
Yes, my fiance can be selfless and considerat at times. Some examples: My grandmother, my father's mother, woke up one morning to find her tires had been flattened, her car broken into and her radio stolen along with several of her favorite CDs. He fixed her tires, buying 3 of them for her because they were beond repair, found a radio to install in her car and burned all of her cds for her. Not much but it was osmething and he knew she doesn't like him and he didn't do it to make her like him either. I sprained my ankle and he waited on me hand an foot, not much I know but it was something. We go grocery shopping and if we see an older woman or man or younger even, he helps them to their car and puts their groceries in. i come home from work, out and about, wherever and he may have dinner fixed and rubs my feet and what not. He does little things like this. SOmetimes he may bring me home some flowers, or a card he saw and thought about me, etc. And yeah, I agree, if he can cease the fighting so quickly, then he can cease it before it even begins.
When I say my daughter never sees us fighting, I mean, she's either in bed or when I know fighting might start, she is taken outside to play with one of the roomates. Not the best thing still, I know, but at that moment, it's the best way to get her away from the fight.
My fiance does work on his roles as my partner. i don't give him credit for it often enough and at this moment, you're only getting my side of the story. But yes, he is working on helping with the baby, taking some of the housework over. I just feel he doewsn't do it enough. ANd yes, he works long hard hours so I will do more of the housework, no problem. I refuse, however, to take the baby over more then he. Why? Because she has 2 parents, not one. And her other parent lives with her. I did not make her by myself. He helped 50%. So I expect him to help 50% with her now.
I agree, I've had many an issue for a long time. Yes, my faince and mine's problems and my new daughter add to them. I want to see a therapist so bad, I want to be back on my meds so badly. I know this would help me and help us tremendously. I know that the problems that are mine alone do not help our situation any better. And I need to overcome them before I can tackle the ones I have with my fiance. It's a struggle. I would give almost anything to be able to conquer my issues. And I would give the same amout to conquer what my fiance and I have together. But I appreciate everything you've had to say as well as everyone else's thoughts. I like to get outsiders opinions, what their input is. It helps to put my prolems in a whole new prospective.
You might want to check the reason for your fiance's child support being increased, I work with a girl who's from Texas, she's frustrated because Texas law does not allow child support to be increased without the consent of the payer.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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