help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2005
help
1
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 11:47am
I have been seeing this guy for 2 years. Right after we got together his father passed away. He went through the depression and grief but was able to deal with it within 6 months or so. My father passed away in November from cancer. I didn't see him much since my parents were divorced. Maybe once a month. I'm having a hard time dealing with it because I'm use to him not being around and I think that’s why it's taking so long to "click" but this guy thinks that I should be kind of over it by now. He knows what it's like and that you never get over it. but I still cry for no reason and have major mood swings. Recently he told me if I keep acting like this he may leave. I know he cares about me and I know that was mean of him to say but I agree that I need to do something. I don't like how I'm acting myself, but he hasn't offered any help, any advice on how I could get him to realize that it is going to take a while for me. We have agreed to see other people but I really don't want to and I've tried. hopefully this isn't confusing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cristlegirl
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 10:49pm

Welcome to the board, Cristlegirl.


First let me say how sorry I am that you lost your father. I lost my father ten years ago and I know how hard it is. I still miss him. I'm sure I always will. I was going through a rough time in my life when he died (I'd just left my husband the week before) and while my divorce was a good thing, it didn't help in dealing with my dad's death. For a long time I felt like a turtle on its back -- totally incapable of doing anything. It was like I was on auto-pilot, I was not really there, if you know what I mean; I only went through the motions of doing what I had to do in everyday life, nothing more and God forbid if I had to make a real decision about something important. I'm thankful that didn't come up, I don't think I could have done it.


I hope your boyfriend's stand comes from frustration and that this kind of care and attitude isn't typical for him, yes? Is this a guy you'd like to continue with and get back to a full-time relationship or has his attitude made you rethink that? I'm so sorry you're going through this, at a time when you need more support and care, you're getting less. That's incredibly hard to deal with. It's not a surprise that you don't really want to try dating anyone else, when you're depressed and sad, it's not something that's appealing, and if it were, who would you want to be with? After all, the whole process of starting out dating someone new is about learning about each other, communicating, doing things together, etc., not things you really want to do when you're depressed and prone to crying jags.


I do think that your grieving has gone on a long time and at a fairly intense level, the real telling mark is that you recognize you have major mood swings and don't like how you're acting. I have a couple of suggestions, and I'm hoping that you'll do them all. First of all, I'd really urge you to get some professional help with this. I think it's pretty clear that you aren't getting a handle on this on your own; it's time to get some qualified help. I'd urge you to make an appointment with a therapist or counselor who's licensed in grieving. That's a person who is trained to understand what's going on with you and who can help you work through it, along with other issues that may be impacting your grief. If you need help finding a qualified therapist, Referrals For a Qualified Therapist and Your Therapist/Counselor's Credentials , located in our Information and Resources section might help you. I would also suggest you find a grief support group in your area. Check family/patient services at your local hospitals, libraries or public mental health offices for local groups. If you come up empty, or if you just need more help finding groups, let me know and I'll help you locate groups. There are also a few boards on the Health & Well Being Channel that might be a source of support for you:
Bereavement & Healing and Depression Support .

I'm no doctor, but it sounds like your grief is being complicated by other feelings associated with your father, maybe guilt or pronounced longing due to your not being in close contact with him? I think the boards and support groups will be beneficial, but I really think with the symptoms you've described, you need to get to the bottom of your feelings so you can really move on, and you won't do that without the help of a licensed therapist/counselor. I think one visit will have you feeling better than you've felt in a long time.

Huge hugs, sweetie, let us know how you're doing, okay?





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