New Here! Would Love Your Help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
New Here! Would Love Your Help!!!
24
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 4:51pm

I've been with my husband for 10 1/2 years, we've always had our ups and down! Mostly downs. We've broken up and gotten back together during that time we have two beautiful girls. The thing is he cheated on me when we first got together I was hurt but more angry that i open my heart to someone and he hurt me, I could not trust him anymore. We broke up a couple times and got back together but i could never shake the feelings he will cheat on me. I always feel women have a six sense and I could tell when something is wrong, every time that happens I would ask him what's going on and he would say nothing. But I had my suspicions and they all have been true, he have a lot of female friends, I didn’t mind but he never mention to couple of them we were married or got back together, when I found this out I told him to leave and don’t come back, but he don’t want to go. I’ve always been there to support him financially.

Most of his friends I don’t know, and he keep making excuses why we don’t go out with his friends or why he can’t take me here or there. I always catch him in a lie and I’ve told him I’m not happy and I would like for us to separate, but he still won’t leave! I’ve tried to do things with him but he’s always busy with his games and friends!
What next step should I take since I’m not happy in my marriage? All I do is work go home be with my kids….I don’t even go and hang out…!! WHAT SHOULD BE MY NEXT STEP SINCE HE WON'T LEAVE!!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 7:38pm

Welcome to the board, Plushq2005








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 2:22pm

Thanks for your respond!!!

Why I say separation, I want him to find himself because it seems as though he don’t know what he want…..it’s sad to be that old and not really know what you want out of life. I’m unhappy because we don’t communicate and I don’t believe everything that comes out of his mouth. I also realized that I can’t sit around and wait for him to make me happy I have to do that myself….The couple of times we did separate he was quick to go out and start a relationship with that female who was just his friend…..I can’t change no one but myself.

He would change for a few days and then start acting up again….couple of times I did lock him out to show him I have ever intention of putting him out. I’m giving him until the end of summer for him to shape up….

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 2:14am

You're right, you can't sit around and wait for him to make you happy, you are the only one who's responsible for your own happiness. In that same vein, you may want him to find himself, but this isn't in your control. He's the only one who can decide whether he wants to find himself or not, and he's the only one who can take action. Pushing him along won't get you anywhere. It sounds like you're thinking of using a separation as a tool to "force" him to find himself. I would strongly recommend that you not separate as a threat, which is what that boils down to. The only thing you can do is choose how you'll live, how you'll accept being treated. If you're not happy with how things are in your marriage, then take steps to change it or end it, but don't use separation as a threat. What if you separate and he doesn't do anything different? Will you move forward to divorce or will you give up and let him move back in? You said, ...couple of times I did lock him out to show him I have ever intention of putting him out." You may have intended to teach him you wouldn't put up with it, but you let him back in, nothing changed and it continues today. What you taught him was that he can do what he wants. That says you've set a precedent of making threats you don't carry out. He's learned not to take you seriously because you allow him back and allow thing to continue as they've been. More threats won't mean anything to him, he already knows you'll back down.


Honestly Plushq, it sounds like he's pretty clear on what he does want, and he doesn't seem to be anguishing over it at all. He likes to fool around and have inappropriate relationships with women. That's most likely a huge ego boost for him, and I don't see any sign that it's something he wants to change. The issue for you isn't that he should find himself or change his behavior, he's made it pretty clear over time that he's not planning to do that, the issue is what are you willing to accept in your life and what are you ready to do to assure you're treated as you should be? Cheating, inappropriate behavior with women, women "friends" held by a man with a history of cheating is bunk and women "friends" who don't know he's married are not acceptable in a relationship, married or not. Furthermore, women "friends" who don't know he's married is about as big a signal that he's out to cheat as they come. Would he accept that kind of behavior from you? Doubtful. Do you think it would be an appropriate for you to behave? Doubtful. It's not appropriate. It's not a healthy relationship, not a partnership and not a loving, caring relationship. It's dysfunctional and damaging - the longer you stay in it the more damaged you are.


Why are you giving him until the end of the summer to shape up, and how do you expect anything to change? You've had over ten years of the same thing, mostly bad and him cheating. What's going to change over the summer? If you're planning to just sit back and see if things change, I can promise you they won't. He's got a ten plus year pattern that clearly shows his mode of operation. What you can do is decide what you're really ready and willing to do, then act from there. If you're ready to end this chaos, tell him you need to see some real changes -- and that means ending all his female friendships (it's appropriate for a cheater) and counseling with a therapist who's licensed for couples therapy starting now and continuing until the therapist says you no longer need help. If he's not willing to do those things, you're through, period. If you're not ready to follow through, don't say it. Don't threaten anything you aren't going to carry out. It makes you weak and it makes you unbelievable. It doesn't accomplish anything but make you easier to ignore.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 4:41pm

I think having someone other than a family member giving their point of view it's really helpful, really make you look at things different. I've ask him to put himself in my position; he will not like it...I think I’ve made him too comfortable. I suggested we need counseling he said nothing is wrong with him…..And he won’t go and see anyone. I don’t want my girls to see me always unhappy!!! Since we have no communication it’s worst, the only time he talks to me is when he want something or for me to do something for him and I would help out…

If I can't change things for me I have to do it for my girls!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 3:26pm

I'm glad you're finding this beneficial. In what you've said here I wonder if I'm reading you right? He agrees that he wouldn't accept the same actions from you but won't agree to do anything to change it, won't agree to get help from a professional to try and repair the damage that's been done to you and your relationship throughout these years? That doesn't sound too promising, does it? Let me know if I misunderstood, I'm hoping I did.


You didn't mention before that you had kids. Know that this is about much more than your girls always seeing you unhappy - although that's a very serious problem too. Your relationship, your marriage, is their view of what is "normal" and to be expected in the adult world of relationships. They're growing up watching the two of you as role models for how to live their own lives. They see that men can come and go as they like, they can and do have lots of women "friends" who they act inappropriately with. While women have to put up with what men do, women are unhappy and unsatisfied and stay home to take care of the kids and the responsibilities. Women do the work, men play and do what they want. If that's the life you want for them, staying right where you are will continue to reinforce that message. If you want a different life for them, you'll have to show them that this way of living is not right and, if your husband won't change his ways or seek to work to change and repair your relationship, showing them that you (and they) are worth more than that kind of treatment by leaving the situation is what should likely happen. You can teach your children more about respect, love and appropriate behavior and responsibility on your own than you can with your husband. Right now you're training your girls to step into the same life you're living.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 2:22pm

He know what he did is wrong but somewhere in the back of his mind he thinks everything between us is fine, I've always though that I'm so messed up because I keep taking his nonsense, I know what my problem is and I can take control of it, where as he thinks nothing is wrong with him, he don't want an outside person to get involve in our marriage and the problems.

With my girls I try not to be so upset around them!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 3:08pm

Well Plush...


Why can't you take control over it?

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 8:10pm

"where as he thinks nothing is wrong with him, he don't want an outside person to get involve in our marriage and the problems."

I think he KNOWS what he is doing is wrong, and he doesn't want an authority figure to criticize him and force him to face his shortcomings. He's a coward, Plush--that's one more sterling quality to add to your list.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 12:05am

Agree 100% with what's been said and would like to add that trying not to be upset around the girls is only teaching them that they should like this kind of treatment when they enter into their own relationships. The only difference between not acting upset around them and acting upset around them is they learn how they should deal with a husband/boyfriend that cheats on them. Either way, they still believe that's the kind of guy to seek out. Not much benefit to either. The benefit for them is in getting out of a cheating situation.


Knowing he did wrong doesn't add up to anything. He's known it all along, but it hasn't stop him from doing it. What's going to change now? I agree with Geoteo on why he doesn't want to go to counseling, I also think he doesn't want to go because he doesn't want to stop cheating. What in his behavior has indicated he wants to change his ways? Is he remorseful? Is he doing everything he can to accept responsibility for his actions and the damage he's caused?


Staying is certainly your choice, Plush, but stay knowing what you're staying in and the effects it has. Best of luck to you ~





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex



Edited 7/15/2005 12:08 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 11:22am

It's not about the money! Financially I can take care of myself and the girls. In his mind he's not a cheater he just have a lot of female friends.....But he's never honest with his female friends and I take that as cheating and disrespect to me and the girls and I've told him I would not tell a male friend I'm not married....

I really don't know why I still have him around, I guess looking at some of my friends and see them struggling to be a single parent and having to shuffle their kids back and fort and I guess I don't want that for my girls.....he needs counseling but he won’t get help, we both do. I know giving him until the end of the summer is not going to help much....but this is my last try!

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