Not new but been away HELP Please

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Not new but been away HELP Please
1
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 1:15am
I honestly don't know where to begin.
Over the last year my DH's job has taken him traveling alot. He has been gone as much as he has been home, since the first of the year. Now his company is talking about renting him an apartment in the city he travels to frequently. I understand it on a buisness level, costs, travel dangers, but I can't help feel that this would be an even bigger strain on our relationship. We have already been through the jelousy thing and the guilt thing (him not being there for me or the kids), I guess the thing that knaws (sp?) at me the is that when I was younger(much younger - high school and shortly after) I would joke and say that I wanted to marry a professional ball player because they would be gone half the year and I could do what I wanted, but then I fell in love with my husband and I knew that I wanted someone who I could be with 24/7 comfortably. Our relationship is just that, the less time we spend together the more fights we have. I want to be supoportive (I was recently told by him that I was not being supportive when I was brought to tears because he was leaving on another trip two days after being gone for 2 weeks) but I am having the hardest time trying to deal with this I have delt with so many other things in our relationship and in my childhood but for some silly reason I feel like I can't deal with this one alone.
Thanks for your thoughts and support
LJ
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 2:05am

Welcome Traveler_43 ~


when you were here before it must have been under a different name, yes?


A few questions first so we can better understand your situation:


  • You said he travels a lot for his job, how often and how long is he typically gone?
  • How old are your kids? Do you work? Do you have many friends and family around you? (I know they aren't who you want -- you want your husband, but support helps)
  • What does your husband say about the situation when he's not frustrated about it? Have you talked about it quietly together when he's not under the gun to head out again? Would he consider changing jobs to something that wouldn't require him being gone? If not, is he willing to sacrifice his family and his marriage for his job? (if it would come to that for you)
  • You mentioned working through issues, both from this relationship and your childhood, do you think any of that has a bearing on what you're feeling in this situation?

    I can totally understand fighting more the more he's gone, not necessarily because of anger or upset feelings about him being gone, but the transition of going from handling things yourself to giving up some of that when he's back would be a hard/fine line for me to follow and I doubt I would do it very well. Though, I have a feeling that's not where the issues lay for you, I'm guessing your issues are more around feeling abandoned, feeling resentful that you have to handle the kids, the house, everything on your own, am I right? And as much as it hurt when he said you weren't being supportive, I'm guessing that the statement was made out of frustration on his part of facing the same kind of response from you when he goes. His remark was hurtful and insensitive, it's not at all appropriate and I don't condone it, but I can understand him losing perspective and saying it.

    Let us know. If you answer tonight, I'm not sure I'll still be around, I'm beat and have to go to work in the morning. If I miss you, I'll be back tomorrow. Hang on Traveler, we'll be there for you!





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