Why he stay at work so long??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Why he stay at work so long??
11
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 2:12am

hi there.. I have a very big question today.. I don't understand why my fiance turn to stay at work longer and longer hours...

it has been about a month now that he (my fiance) is staying at work for so long.. he usually work from 7.30 am until 4.30 or 5 pm and come home either by 5 or 5.30 to have dinner with me.. lately he did not call to tell me that he will be home late and he is still at work until 6 or 7 pm and when i picked him up after work (just sometime) as he didn't take the car ( and leave it for me). He didn't react like before.. before everytime i drop by as a surprise to pick him up from work he will be more than happy .. these days he looks worry and nervous and this morning he told me that if I gonna pick him up again on my way back please call the office first to let him know.. (the office number because he lost his mobile phone)

He has been working very hard.. when he comes home he didn't want to talk.. sometime he didn't even want dinner he said that he has already eaten some pizza from work or something like that.. he will be too tired to even talk to me.. he just want to watch tv then go to sleep and get up to go to work..

however, i feel that lately he has been having a very angry feeling toward me with everything i do.. everything i do seems to be wrong for him or not rights... he is very grumpy

like last weekend.. we had a big fight about the wedding planning.. he went to check out few places for our venues with me and on Sunday's evening, he screamed at me that he can't handle it anymore.. he said that i supposed to do all the wedding things by myself and finishing it up long time ago.. he said that i have been slow and wait for him while he got so much on his hands like work and stuff..

I might be slow on the wedding plan but i just never see he so angry at me like this (maybe once in earlier stage of our relationship when i first moved in). so I feel nervous.. i was waiting for him to see with me because i thought that we could make a decision together..

anyway, i wonder if he likes someone else at work as well or he just work harder because it is the last month before the end semester ( he is a principle of a school). his ways of staying in office and his moods toward me just make me wonder.. I don't want to be paranoid but please help what to do..

Thank you
Kathy
should i just calm down and act as normal or? by the way this weekend is his Birthday and he needs a break from the city so we are going away for the beach.. should i say anything and if so what should i ask ?

I was upset as well because i thought that he would have told me eariler and tell me nicely instead of screaming and led to a big arguement..

Kathy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 2:22am

Welcome back, Kathy ~


I'm heading to bed, I just refreshed the board "one more time" before shutting it down and there you were! I don't have time to respond to your post tonight (I am sooo tired!) but I wanted to post the links to your previous posts to keep others updated on your situation:

Should I compare V-gifts?








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 7:47pm

From what you wrote, it sounds very much like it could be stress. It makes sense that as a principal, the end of the school year would be a very busy time. And a lot of men aren't really interested in talking when they are stressed - they like to retreat into their "caves" and then rejoin the world when they are feeling better.

The issue could be another woman - are there any other clues about that? Does he shower as soon as he gets home or seem freshly showered when he gets home? Other than working late, is he gone at weird times? When you call his office, is he often gone when he normally would be there? Is he all of a sudden dressing better? These kinds of things would be clues that he is having an affair. So if nothing like this exists, then that is probably not it.

As for the wedding, I don't remember when the wedding is, but I think you guys need to get together and decide who is responsible for what. If he has the expectation that you will do it all, but you have the expectation that you will do it together, then that is a source for conflict because neither of you will meet the other's expectations. You have to come to some sort of agreement about who is responsible for what.

For this weekend, I think you should just relax and have a good time. You might mention to him that you know he has been really stressed out and that you want to do whatever you can to help him relax on his special weekend, and if he wants or needs anything, to just ask you. I wouldn't try to talk about any issues. Just focus on enjoying each other's company and having a good time. If you feel he is in a relaxed mood and receptive to wedding talk, then talk about some stuff - not the details, just higher level stuff. You don't want to stress him out more.

When you get back, after a couple days, see if his mood has changed. If he is still really grumpy, then talk to him about it and see what can be done to help alliviate the stress.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 1:27am

Hey Lucy ~ is he a principal? I don't remember that. Kathy?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 1:44am

I've got to tell you Kathy, your relationship concerns me. You seem to have an awful lot of issues, and new ones keep coming up. What I don't know is what's been resolved, beyond his working through the initial mourning process from his ex-wife's suicide. Have your other issues been addressed and resolved or did they just kind of fade away without real resolution? You might want to check back through your old posts that I provided in my first response to you to refresh on what's gone on between you.


I agree with Lucy that his behavior could be stress, or he could be upset or angry with you. How does he usually address conflicts between you, does he confront them or does he hold them more inside, avoiding you and being grumpy or critical instead of talking about what's really bugging him?



It's also true that his actions sound very suspicious and a lot like he could be cheating also. The lost cell phone, the longer hours, asking you not to just "show up" all could be signs that he's seeing someone else. There are two articles in our Information and Resources section that pertain to signs of cheating, Signs of Cheating and list of possible signs of cheating , but the signs vary quite a bit and often contradict themselves. In other words, different people exhibit different behavior.


How much are you together these days? I remember that you had quit working and were a little hungry for company. Is that still the case? What I'm wondering is, is it possible that the two of you don't have free time apart like you used to. If you're still not working, maybe you're home all the time with him instead of him having time without you? If that's the case, that could lead to frustration and anger and could explain his behavior. Whatever the case, I think it needs to be talked about. How do you generally approach problems between you? Let us know! I think it might be very advisable (considering all the major problems your relationship has faced and the current situation) for the two of you to see a counselor or therapist licensed in a field of couples therapy to make sure the old issues have been resolved and to make sure you're on the same page, moving in the right direction. Making sure the horizon is clear would be a really good thing to do, I think.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 12:55pm

Yep - I double checked the original post:

"i wonder if he likes someone else at work as well or he just work harder because it is the last month before the end semester ( he is a principle of a school)."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 1:38pm
Sheesh, I must have been blind last night!








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 2:17pm

I may be a slow reader, but I have always scored high in comprehension ;)

I think that since he is a principal and it is the end of the semester, that it is reasonable for him to be extra stressed out. It's like being married to a CPA at tax time - LOL.

The important thing is how people deal with their stress. We ALL have it. But successfully dealing with it is the key.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 1:37pm

Hello all.. ah finally, i just got back from the weekend away from the city.. i haven't read your all replies before i left on Friday's evening so, i have just read all of them now (just finished reading). well, anyway this weekend i did not mention anything that i have been wondering to him.. just want to see and observe how things going..

well, when we get to the resort on Friday's night, .. he asked me to walk to the beach with him and started telling me that this school (private) is not going to work if the owner (share holder) have a different goal from him. he said that after finish the contract with the school next year he might need to move to other school.. he was very frustrating because some teachers at work are leaving and he have to replace them by posting the jobs and interviewing some new teachers and teaching assistants( he want to do and finish it before the semester end).

anyway, he talked to me a lot on Friday's night about work problems with the shareholder and about the office people who work for him.. i listened and talked about it to him about my what i see.. anyway i guess he was just wanting to express it out and feel relieved to said it out really. other than that, on saturday and sunday, all he needed was just some extra sleep to wake up a bit late then he is back to an okay mood for me.. and on the way back he even ask if i would like to check out a couple beach resorts for the wedding venues.. so i did and he has no problem with that at all.. he looks happy

So, anyway even there are things i don't undersand..
I guess that you both could be right that he might be under stress and yes for me as i won't go back to work until October and so it means that i still got a lot of time in my hand and some day of course i might feel a bit lonely and frustrated (even though i tried to fill up my daily schedule with some other things).

But but but i want you to see pictures here that for instance, like my cooking, i have just learnt to cook some new recipe and of course i am excited about it and wanted him to try them, and he usually like my cookings and so when sometime lately he said he had pizza at work or not excited with me and my new recipe then i got upset.. hmm or that these days i exercise a lot and keep myself in shape more than when i was full time working but he is too tired from work to make love to me sometime so, i got frustrated and feel a bit bad as well..

About that issue that i wonder if he likes someone else.. i guess that was just trying to find a reason why he stay at work late but reallyi don't think it really is what i paranoid about

and yes, as cl-2nd life asked me in one of the post
about how our problems handling.. usually when there is something i do that he doesn't like or unhappy about it he will keep it himself for a long time until he can't handle it anymore and so it's time to explode (which so often lead to a very big argument) and for me when i am unhappy with something i usually don't keep it to myself.. i like to tell him at the time..

so that's a thing that i always in a shock when he didn't give me a clue about what he is unhappy about(like the my way of wedding planning) he didn't say anything until he can't satnd it and explode.. then we argue

hmm..anyway
are there some ways to change this.. or i will have to just learn and accept this that this is the way he is and that is the way i am..

thanks to you all
kathy

Kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 4:04pm

Lucy - Yeah well, it's becoming very clear that speed reading course I took didn't do help my comprehension!


And I agree about the stress.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 4:32pm

Kathy, it sounds very likely to me that the difference in his behavior is due to all the stress he's under. He might have to look for another job, he has lots of teachers to replace, interviews, etc., he's having problems with the shareholders... that's a lot, a huge weight to be under. No kidding he's preoccupied and not acting like himself, who'd be able to shoulder all that and still act like they do when everything's easy and running smooth?


As far as his not being excited about your new recipes and having already eaten when he gets home, I think you need to cut him some slack. Here again, he's under a lot of pressure and has a lot of work worries on his mind. To expect him to be as interested in your new recipes as you are I don't think is reasonable, do you? The same with sex. Being stressed and under a lot of pressure takes a lot of energy out of you. It makes you tired, preoccupied and much less interested in sex. I don't think his not being "too tired from work to make love to you sometimes" isn't at all surprising or unexpected either. You noticed this weekend that after having been able to sleep in his mood was better (it was probably was also better due to getting out of town, change of scenery, escaping the reminders of your responsibilities is a huge help during times like this), that should tell you something about his being too tired for sex and behavior change. I should also say that when you say he's sometimes too tired to have sex, I take that to mean that it isn't always or even vastly different than your usual sex timetable.


Since you know he tends to hold things in, when his mood changes, that should clue you in that something's up. My husband tends to do that too, though he's getting much better about it. I generally just ask him what's going on. He used to insist there was "nothing" but I'd tell him that it was obvious something was up and that until I understood what was going on our relationship was going to be affected. In the beginning it would take him a day or two to talk about whatever it was, but he's gotten better about bringing it up right away. Whether your fiance will react the same or not, I can't say. I would suggest you talk to him about the differences in how the two of you approach a problem, the silence, the change in behavior, and how difficult it is to deal with. The best thing that can happen is for the two of you to discuss this and agree together on a way of dealing with issues between you. I wouldn't suggest that you bring this up now though, I'd suggest you wait until his job issues have all been resolved and he's had a good amount of time without a big problem to deal with. You are how you are, he is how he is. Talking together to reach a compromise is what will help the two of you decide how you'll resolve this issue.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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