married and confused...
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| Thu, 07-07-2005 - 4:46pm |
I have been married just over a year, and so far I have experienced a whirlwind of emotions. I have made the decision to figure out how to ensure our marriage will succeed regardless of the odds and the statistics. I refuse to be one more statistic, because I believe that if you are committed and work together, you can figure out ways to succeed. Much easier said than done...
I have been struggling with different attitudes from my husband, the fact that he's changing his mind about starting a family (we're both 38), also the fact that he's more interested in hanging out with his friends so much more than when we were both single. And now the fact that he refuses to wear his wedding ring (because he says he hates jewelry and it's uncomfortable).
I would like to get a man’s perspective on this, because I honestly don’t understand. And when I try talking about any of this with my husband, he is resistant and defensive and tells me I want everything my way, and I think this is his way to rebelling or something...
Any insight you may have for me will be most appreciated.
Sincerely,
adlinamcc

I'm not a guy, but I'm hopeful you'll get some "guy" responses, so be patient and hang tight!
I hear what you're saying about being committed to making marriage work, but working on a marriage has to be done by both, and right now it sounds like you're working solo. What you describe are some pretty significant changes, and over a short time span, too. A couple of questions to have a better feel for your situation, if I may:
An observance that I think you're already on to is that his accusation of you wanting everything your way could be an indicator that he went along with what you wanted rather than really wanting those same things. That may not be the case too, however, that could be a smokescreen. In my marriage, when my husband responds to issues that way, it means there's something he doesn't want to face. I've learned that when things don't make sense it's because they don't make sense, if you know what I mean. I mean, like in your situation, rather than it being a case of me being dense and not seeing that the problem is that I want everything my way, it's a case of me not getting it because what he's presenting makes no sense, he hasn't opened up about what's really going on. Him approaching it as you wanting everything your way is an avoidance tactic. It's meant to throw the focus off the subject (him and his changes) and put it on something else (you and your selfishness). The accusation (you want everything your way) is a great way to get you into the mode of defending yourself against his accusation. If it works, the subject from then on is whether or not you're selfish. Nothing's resolved and the subject never gets back around to the changes in him. Depending on what you think will work best in your situation, you can approach this two ways:
You have to be focused and firm and not allow yourself to get drawn into defending yourself (have a piece of paper with the issues written on it if it helps you maintain your focus). When he throws out his selfish attack, calmly say, "we can talk about that later, right now we're talking about xxxxx". Do not allow yourself to get drawn into an even sightly off-subject matter.
What works with my husband is saying to him something like, "You can avoid this for as long as you want, and you can insist nothing's wrong all you want, but we both know that something's up and until we can talk about it it's just going to grow and be a bigger problem between us." It generally takes another day, but after that's said and he's had time to think about it, he brings it up on his own and we get to the bottom of it.
Do realize -- just because he's pretending it's not anything doesn't mean you have to pretend with him. Maintaining the stand that it is an issue and a real cause for concern is a better stand than politely going along acting like you're swallowing his line of bunk. It took me a while to get that being polite and pretending that I was believing what he said didn't do anything but help the problem stay buried. And it's harder for him to hold his stand against the continuing stand of logic and sense.
There are a couple of really good articles on constructive arguing in our Information and Resources section that might be helpful to you:Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Understanding the Opposite Sex
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you, this is exactly the kind of insight I was looking for. I really appreciate you taking the time to share with me about your own experience. I really believe that we can learn from others people’s experiences if we are open and pay attention.
And now to answer your questions:
My DH and I have know each other for about 4 years. When we first met, we became great friends instantly, and remained friends for about 6 months, afterwards we began dating exclusively, as we both wanted a serious relationship and were ready to move forward in life. So we dated for about 1 1/2 years before moving in together and becoming engaged, and then we were engaged for about 1 year before getting married. Funny thing (sort of ironic), is that we were trying to get pregnant right before our wedding day in May last year. The previous Christmas he had given me two pregnancy books as gifts, so we were both in the same page about starting a family, and then we agreed to wait until after being married.
He started expressing concerns about getting pregnant right after our honeymoon, (annoying kids in the airplanes, concerns about money, and also his best friend in life going through a hellish divorce, and his only brother having a pretty bad situation as well - unmarried with a kid and lots of problems). I believe these were all contributing factors to his hesitation.
Someone told me before that maybe now that we're actually married "reality" is hitting home for him and that's what's making him scare about starting a family.
His parents are divorced, his dad has another family (wife and daughter), and DH was raised by his mom (divorced twice) and never re-married. He is the oldest of three. And when we met I knew he wanted just that which he didn't have when growing up.
I understand that we come from different places as my parents have been married for about 40 years now, and I've witnessed the hard times they went through raising four kids, but also the rewards of having an awesome family and staying together. Also this is his first marriage and my second one.
His mom tells me that he doesn't know better because he grew up without a role model, he is used to take care of himself, and that he's always been responsible for himself only, however she also says that he will respond in a positive way once we are pregnant, so she encourages me to get pregnant right away. I am hesitant to do so, as I realize we must first establish a solid base in our relationship.
We both recognize that single life used to be "much simpler" and I guess my DH hasn't got used to the added responsibilities of married life, which goes in line with what his mom told me. But we are here because we choose to be. Now the challenge is to figure out how to get to where we both want to be, ensuring both our needs are met and that we understand each other.
I guess in perspective I’d be willing to let the ring issue slide, and allow him the time and space he obviously needs to get whatever he needs to get out of his system. I trust him 100% and I would be willing to "back off" as far as I know that we are both heading towards the same direction even if we are not in the same page at the moment.
Hi ~ I'm glad you're getting the feedback you were looking for.
What you're describing in his previous actions to how he is today is vastly different, I don't blame you for being confused, the difference is pretty drastic. It is very possible that old buried feelings about his father are surfacing now that he's heading into the same role and that could well be the cause of his total flip. My son will likely be in a similar spot. His father basically dropped out of his life when he was about nine. They reconnected years later at my insistence when his father was diagnosed with late stage liver cancer and I made sure contact continued on a very regular basis until his father died a month later. Unfortunately, none of the abandonment issues were resolved as his father would not/did not address his absence. My son was in therapy a few times to address the issue of abandonment before his teens and as much as was possible was worked through then, knowing more would need to be addressed as he matured. Now, as a teenager, he isn't agreeable to therapy and therefore, it isn't advisable. I have been told by therapists that his unresolved feelings would likely surface around the time he marries or begins to have children of his own and at that time he'll need to address the issues as he'll no longer be able to avoid or deny them. If that's the case for your husband, he needs to to do the same.
Personally, I wouldn't recommend jumping into pregnancy with a guy who's giving every indication that he's not wanting that; unless I was willing to take on the responsibility of raising the child alone. Taking a chance like going ahead and getting pregnant thinking he'll come around is a pretty big gamble and is not respecting your husband at all. I also understand that he's not fair in changing his tune with you; you'd gone into this fully expecting you were on the same page, ready for pregnancy. For him to change his mind isn't fair either. As far as letting the non-wearing of the ring go, I'm not sure I agree with you on that either. You are in a much better position to know what this situation looks like and you know your husband -- I don't. But all the things that you've said are indicators of a guy who wants to be single. Not wearing his ring just makes it easier to "be" single and to see other women. That would concern me given his other changes. He knew how he felt about jewelry long before you married and during the time you discussed and chose rings too. If he'd not wanted to wear a ring he could have and should have said something then. Since he was totally on board with marriage then, it seems like it would have been an easy discussion for him to have had. Why the change? Do his friends wear wedding rings? Is it okay with him that you don't wear your ring either? Does he work in a profession where wearing his ring is a hazard?
I think the best thing is to see a counselor or therapist who is licensed in a field of couples therapy to help you two work through these huge changes that are occurring. I'm betting his father issues will come up and he'll move into getting individual counseling to deal with his issues. If "father issues" aren't the cause, then you'll stick with couples therapy only and will get to the bottom of this. I think the issues are significant and require competent, professional help to guide you through.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Understanding the Opposite Sex
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
DH and I were raised totally different as well (him from the stable home and me from total dysfunction and divorced parents), but as adults, we choose who we want to be and what we want out of life. Our marriage hasn't always been the most smooth ride, but we recognized that we had some big problems and got help through counseling. Thank goodness this was early on in our marriage because I honestly don't think we would have made it had we not. We had to learn to communicate and compromise. We also had to learn that we are our own people (not our parents!), and our marriage can be anything we want it to be if we try hard enough. You have that train of thought based on your post, but I'm not seeing it from your husband.
Not wearing his wedding ring with the excuse that it's uncomfortable, IMO, is a *huge* sign of his lack of committment to you. Hanging out with his friends all the time instead of you, changing his mind about starting a family, etc. also shows his lack of committment. When the two of you got married, did you believe you would have a family? Was this something that was discussed? I see lots of red flags here.
*We can analyze why he is the way he is/does the things he does day in and day out. I used to do the same thing, but towards myself. It's nothing but a bunch of excuses. It is justifications to act in manners that are not acceptable. At 38, you can't really blame your parents anymore for what you have become. Maybe at 18, but not 38. We all have the power to step up and be who we want to be. He is a grown man and he is totally responsible for how he acts and how he deals with his issues.*
The only thing I can suggest here is that the two of you go to marriage counseling. It takes two to make a marriage work, and from my point of view, there is only one of you currently working on it. Either he can decide he wants to make this work and get help for his issues, or he can decide that marriage with you isn't for him. *Either way, you win, whether you realize this now or not.* If he chooses the latter, you can go on with your life in hopes of finding the man that will want the same things you want. Not being able to have a family to call your own because your husband doesn't want one is a *huge* deal breaker.