it's he cheating!
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it's he cheating!
| Sat, 07-09-2005 - 5:45pm |
hello im 26 years old and been married for 9 years, last nightmy husband when out to a baseball game with a client he's a sales person ,we had a tornado watch and i was worry he did not call, the game got cancel after a 1 hour, i could not go to sleep i wait for him until 4 in the morning ,thats the time that he got home he was drunk and i was so upset a was very worried something happen to him ,i just told him i can believe you did not call me a least to say im ok, these morning my head was going crazy thinking were was he , i look his wallet and found a girl phone number and some stripclubs cards i ask him who was the phone number and he said the she was a coworker the he need it to ask her about somenthing,and i ask him where did you go last night and he said my client invite me to a stripclub ,nothing like these at happen before ,im i acting stupid or i should found out more ,please help
thank you
thank you

Welcome to the board, Meylin78 ~
Has anything like this happened before? Have you ever suspected or been concerned that he was cheating before? What was his manner when he told you about the phone number? He needed to call this female co-worker on a Saturday night? Is that what he's telling you? What is his reason for needing to call her? Was the number written in his handwriting or a woman's? Do you know the co-worker he says the number belongs to? Have you met her or has he talked about her before?
As for the strip club itself, I personally wouldn't be concerned, he told you outright that was where he was, he didn't try to hide it, right? The fact that he'd be out so late without letting you know, and at a time when a tornado alert was up was wrong to say the least. Has this kind of behavior come up before? Does he generally let you know when he's going to be out later than he expected?
Do his stories make sense to you? If they don't seem right, they probably aren't right. If an explanation doesn't make sense and you don't feel satisfied with the answer it's usually not because you just don't get it, it's that the story doesn't add up so it doesn't make sense.
Let us know the answers, okay?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Understanding the Opposite Sex
Edited 7/11/2005 3:55 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you for your response
No i had never found a phone number of another girl before and the name of the girl is kathy but the paper was and my husband handwriting and he write only K and the number honestly im a jelous person and my dad cheat on my mom more that 12 times so im always on the look ,but my husban he had never gime me sign that he at cheater ,when i ask him why he had the phone number he said that he need it to ask her about somenthing ,that the phone number he had it for a long time and he said that he does not remenber why he was going to call her and dont no know her and he has never talk about any girl at work just one day i when to pick him up for lunch and call 3 womans to meet my kids and me thats it and i always ask him to call me and somentimes he does other he dont and yesterday he toldme that the more the he drinks when is out he gets more careless about calling me, and dont feel satisfaid about the answer of the phone number and today that i call him at work to say hello ( i always do) a girl soun laughin very closed and i beeing paranoic ?
thanks for your time again
I see a couple of issues here. Your admitted jealousy and him doing things that are unacceptable to you.
Is there any specific reason you don't trust your husband? Does he normally frequent strip clubs? Does this bother you?
This is just my opinion, but if my husband were to do something like that it would be totally out of character, and yes, it would be a huge issue. Every marriage is different though, and if your husband knows you don't approve of this type of behavior- this is a clear instance of disrespect. We don't go to strip clubs or any type of establishment like that, those are *our* values. So yes, if DH were to go out, not come home until 4am, and then I found out he had been with strippers, you'd better believe there'd be some serious problems. But like I said, every relationship is different, and this is just what *we* believe in. It might be something he does regularly, and if you said he doesn't, I'm sorry if I missed that.
It's hard to give an unbiased opinion about the number, given that you have said he goes to strip clubs. If I saw a woman's number on my DH, I wouldn't assume anything negative, but I would ask. I know I wouldn't get an answer that he didn't remember why-- normally it would pertain to business or school. Him telling you he doesn't remember would just raise tons of red flags for me. I'm not a paranoid or jealous person either, but I'm not dumb. Based on who I am and what I believe in, I would tell you I think he is cheating. If not cheating, he is being totally disrespectful and inapproriate- two big issues. Again, this is just my opinion.
The issue of your jealousy is a problem too. I don't know if he has given you reasons before, but you did admit that you have this problem because of past experiences. Let's take his whole strip club fiasco out of the equation for a second. Why are you always looking for things to catch him in? This is no way to live your life, and if you can't trust your partner because of things that happened in your past, you need to address that. I've been in bad relationships before as well, but it wouldn't be fair or rational to punish my husband or not trust him because of things other people did. A relationship is nothing if it isn't built on trust. You shouldn't have to go around worrying about him cheating or anything of that sort. It almost sounds like you have made up your mind he WILL cheat on you-- I am led to believe this because you are always looking for signs. There are tons of other issues in a marriage- lack of trust really shouldn't be one. This issue needs to be addressed pronto. Maybe you should go to counseling to help you deal with this.
Maybe you can answer my questions so I can better help you ok? Or maybe there is someone else who has a difference of opinion that would be able to help you better-- sometimes it's harder for me to help people in situations where our values differ because there are certain things I would never put up.
no he usualy dont go to stripclubs , he said that he whem because her client ivite him.
and no her he has not giving me prevously razon ,but but yes im always afraid that he is going to cheat,he told me if i want we can call these girl so i can see that there is nothing going on but i dont feel good doing that i just want to know why he had the phone number im sure she remenber why she give it to him because i dont remeber is not and aceptable answer
thanks
Meylin, I could be completely wrong about this, but I can see lots of validity in what he says.
Your husband has never given you a reason to suspect he's cheating before. He's never had a women's numbers in his wallet before (and I'll bet you check, don't you?), he doesn't see women from work, except once when he called three in your presence to come meet you. This truly sounds like a guy who deserves the benefit of the doubt here. Meanwhile, however, you have some very deep issues in the area of infidelity. You grew up with a father who cheated and have learned to expect that this is what your husband will do. Despite the fact that he's given you no indication that he has cheated, you continue to think he will. Whether he is now (and I don't think he is) or not, you have some very serious problems that need to be addressed. It's not fair to keep treating your husband with suspicion and mistrust when he's done nothing to deserve it. It's not fair for you to live with this kind of worry, suspicion and doubt in him. It's not fair for your kids to grow up in a house with suspicion and distrust. A home with partnership, mutual respect and belief in each other would teach them better values and would help them go out and make those same kind of healthy relationships themselves, don't you think?
I think seeing a therapist to deal with the issues you have as a result of your cheating father would be a great gift for all of you. You would finally be free of the feelings, worry and concerns that you have, and you deserve that. No one needs to drag that kind of baggage around with them throughout their lives. Deal with it so you can leave it behind. It's not yours anyway, and it's not your husband's either, it's your fathers. I'm betting that if you think about it, you act a lot like your mother did. Even though your husband doesn't cheat, you act the same as she, right? It's because you learned how a woman acts in a relationship from her, she was your role model. Just as you are the role model for how your children will be in their adult lives. If you don't want them to have the same kinds of worries, fears and suspicions that you do, you need to deal with yours and put an end to it. That's what I think.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Understanding the Opposite Sex
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi,i'm here it's just because to give u some opinion! First,you must ask yourself,do u really believe that what he told you and what he had explained to you?? if the answer is no,i suggest you better check it out,don;t be the last one to know everything,and just sit at home to wait to hear that what exactly had happend to him! do u remember that girl's phone number? if yes,and you would like to check it out,then what are you waiting for??? you know,for guy,once they start for the 1st time,and they will never end the game again.........hope u understand that you already can not trust him anymore..........and the other way is,you can check it out from his client who he mentioned.........
good luck ya!