Is it me? ---long post
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| Sat, 07-09-2005 - 7:05pm |
I've got a situation which presented itself last weekend and I'm interested in feedback regarding the behavior of my DBF's good female friend and how I should proceed with this.
Some details:
Me and my guy have been together for 8 years, have been living together for the past 6 months. We both moved across country (west to east coast)when he started at a new job at the beginning of this year. We're both in our mid 40's, have grown children, are probably more in love today than we've ever been in 8 years. We're very happy.) Our relationship is secure and fun--we do have our ups and downs, but we never go to bed mad.
He's good friends with a woman who, I feel in the past, has tried to interfere in our relationship. DBF and her have known each other for roughly 10 years--used to work together. She has a huge circle of friends, some of which wanted to date DBF. I just happened to have slipped in under her radar and without her approval, as it were.
She's been married for over ten years to her husband and they had their first child about 2 years ago. Eighteen months ago, she and her husband moved back to the east coast, where both of their families reside. DBF and I are currently involved in an enterprise which she's developing (he's doing the marketing aspect and I've designed some prototypes for her to help her sell her enterprise to investors, hence my absence from iVillage for the past few months). We've just gotten the first round of funding for pre-production, mainly due to the graphics I've provided to help sell the concept.
From what I have seen in being around them, she and her husband have the perfect relationship; they appear to be quite in love with one another, surround themselves with cool, creative people and generally have a cool vibe about them, which is why what happened last weekend has taken me by surprise.
DBF and I were invited to her parent's house last weekend for a family barbeque. It was a lovely event and we were having a very nice time. While DBF and I were sitting at a table eating and talking, she walks up to the table, sits down and without ever looking at me or addressing me or acknowledging me at the table, tells my DBF that it's time for him to take her out for a drink--just the two of them alone and that he going to buy her drinks because she's not working right now. She went on about how he and her were friends before they became business partners and that she wants to go have a drink with her friend. Then she gets up and walks away.
I was stunned. I looked her dead in her face the whole time and she would not look at me or address me. Seeing that since DBF and I got out here, we've been immersed in completing our end of the work to move the process along and WE haven't even gone out on a date or for drinks. Now, I don't have any problem with him having a drink with her--in fact, I encourage him and his friendships. What I DO have a problem with was the way in which she 'charged' me. I feel that it was a conversation that needed to take place over the phone or if she just HAD to say it right then and there, she should have said "Quenek, my dear, I'm lonely for my friend's friendship and would really like to go out and have a drink with him-do you mind?" or something like that.
As the evening played out, I caught her a few times glaring at us from across the yard. DBF didn't say anything in the moment, but after she left I said to him "before you take your friend out for a drink, you need to take your woman out for a drink", to which he said "that's a deal". A few days later, as I sat and thought about it, I told him how I felt about it and he agreed that she disrespected me, especially in light of the fact that I've spent the better part of the past 4 months putting in mad hours on this artwork to help put money in her pocket and she wants to treat me like this.
A few days later, he was talking about how at a meeting the previous evening with her and another male friend who's handling the legal aspects of the enterprise, she's asking DBF how long are we planning on shacking up (and her mother asked us the same question at the picnic, which I felt was completely out of line since I'd just met her, and she's neither of our mothers---our own mothers don't have a problem with our arrangement), is he serious about me, does he plan on staying with me, etc.
My best friend told me that a very terse email should be sent to her, demanding an apology. I do know that I don't plan to be in the same vicinity with her until she does ante up the apology. I had half a mind to come home and delete all of the files I've created for the enterprise, but I do want to get paid from the second round of funding.
I feel that DBF should check his friend in no uncertain terms and he has agreed to talk to her about it, but it hasn't happened yet. In the absence of him doing it, should I fire off that email?
Thanks.
Q

What do you hope for the email to accomplish and do you really thing it will accomplish what you want?
I don't think the email will get her to see how insensitive she's being. She knows that. She's probably doing it on purpose. She might secretly hope that it really gets under your skin or she might not care whether it does. The email will tell her in no uncertain terms that she got to you big time. She will either enjoy that moment, use it to her advantage or care less. Do you really think she'll apolgize? I can imagine an apology from being meaningless because it won't come from her heart, she'll say what you want to hear if she feels she has to but she won't mean it.
Confronting people like her IMHO is like watering a weed. You would be giving her exactly what she wants, a sign she has a chance at putting a wedge between you and DBF.
I would ignore her and next time act happy to see her. You addressed the matter with our DBF and he reacted the right way because he agrees with you. I really can't imagine what he would say to her. I'd personally rather wait and see if she keeps doing this, and if it happens again tell him it's up to him to address it at the time it happens. If he tells her now, it's like the email, letting her know that a week later her actions are still bugging you. A better response with him is if she asks again about that drink that he says "Well, I haven't taken my girl out for a drink in a while and she's been working so hard, I need to do that before I can spend time with you, my friend." If it were me, I'd rather him seem a little cool and distant to her than confront her. Him pulling away from their 'frienship' a little and blowing off having a drink with her until he takes care of you is what really would make her unhappy. Don't make it about you versus her. Make it about him having a rude friend, you pointed it out, he agreed, that might be the end of it unless he really enjoys being friends with rude people, and then the problem is him not her.
I wanted to add, I don't think confrontation via email is wise. She will get your edited and perfected 'statement' and be able to show it to others, spend time coming up with a response, twisting your words and making you look like the jealous girlfriend. Or worse, she could ignore it and not pay it any attention. It's like you want the confrontation but without confrontation, becuase with an email it's just you and the computer, you don't have to deal with her immediate reaction. You also don't get to clarify your statements and it's so easy to misinterpret an email because when you read it you imagine the tone and volume of the person writing it and you can get it 100% wrong. You don't want to be stuck explaining that you meant something different that she read days or more after she's already told the entire community about it. If you say something in person and they start to misunderstand, you can catch it right there, and the discussion has some kind of conclusion (good or bad) before the rest of the world is let in on it.
So other than my vote is to not confront her at all, if you were to do it an email would be my last choice.
I tend to agree with you--I told my best friend as much. I think that she was intentionally trying to provoke me and I know myself well enough to know that I do not have a good grip on my anger, which has been seething towards her for a long time now. Had I indulged my baser emotion, it would have been on at that party.
Of course my best friend said she would have cussed her out, but for me, grace and dignity gave me the upper hand. Grace and dignity told me in the moment "Say nothing. Don't you say a thing. Just look her in the face--do not move your gaze--record this in your brain..."
It is hard for me to believe that she could be so jealous of my relationship with DBF that she would strike out like this, in light of 'having everything"--a loving husband, a beautiful baby girl, not having to work and having lost over 35 lbs... who wouldn't be happy and content behind that? But I guess she's that 'small'.
Thanks First!
Great to see you, Quenek! Coming in late, but wanted to say that I agree with Firstamendment on all counts. Quenek, my first thought as I was reading you post was that this woman must have been drunk. Was she?
I'd also say that the fact that she "challenged" you says she feels threatened by you, or at least she feels you carry more weight with your DBF than she (as it should be). That should make you feel that you have the upper position, not she. If she'd felt she had the upper hand, she'd have looked you right in the eye when she informed your DBF that he was to take her out for drinks, but she wasn't up for that confrontation. Furthermore, if she'd had the upper position, your DBF would have agreed to take her out on the spot. If you really want to let her know where she stands, walk up to her, the two of you together and you announce that in light of her spoken need for a drink with her friend, the two of you are inviting her over for drinks, just her, no one else. Then smile.
I wouldn't ask for an apology, it'll just tell her she got to you. She knows she was rude and she knows you know too. If your DBF speaks to her as Firstamendment suggested, I would alter First's words just a tad, I'd have him say, "Well, I haven't taken my girl out for a drink in a while and she's been working so hard, I want to do that with her before I spend time with you, my friend."
Can you find a way to have the files self-destruct once they've been completely turned over to her and you've received your pay???
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Understanding the Opposite Sex
Edited 7/11/2005 2:12 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
From reading your post (and I am assuming that have been no prior run-ins w/ her), I got the notion that she was upset in the first place. Maybe she wanted to vent to DBF about something? I think it would have been more appropriate for her to tell him in private, but the way she addressed him seems as though she was peeved about something in the first place. Is this type of character for her out of line? I think she owes you an apology, but it doesn't sound that serious. You also said she was glaring at DBF at the meal as well, and that leads me to further believe she was mad about something. Writing her a long and detailed email about how she hurt your feelings sounds a bit dramatic. It might be better to address the issue the next time you see her..."Are you mad at me about something? The other day at the meal I felt you were a bit rude when you came over and just totally acted like I wasn't there."
As far as people's comments about your relationship and living situation- yes the remarks are rude, but I have come to find that many people say plenty of rude things they have no business saying. I think the best way to handle these situations are to comment back, rather than just keeping quiet and stewing about it. Put them in their place as soon as they say things that they have no business saying. You don't have to be rude about it, but maybe something along the lines of "We are perfectly content and happy with the way our relationship is right now", "Wow. That's a pretty personal and rude question isn't it?" or even better, "Why exactly is it about our situation that bothers you so much?" and leave it at that. People always have their own opinions, and there will always be those that love to voice them. If you reply to them as soon as they are made, it won't be such a big issue after the fact. They will more than likely just back off. I've quickly learned that dealing with issues like this as soon as they happen ends the discussion and it will make you feel better immediately.
You may think I have made light of your situation, and if there have been prior run-ins my answers would be a bit different. As rude as what she did was, you could have simply said, "Hi Sue. Thanks for inviting us to this meal...I'm having a great time." If you call people on their insensitive behavior as soon as it happens it won't be that big of an issue after the fact. People irk me all the time, but if I let everyone get to me, I suppose I'd just be an angry person.