some thoughts
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some thoughts
| Thu, 07-14-2005 - 8:00pm |
Hi~ I'm September a SAHM to three kids, 13yrs, 10yrs, and 19mths. I have been married for 11yrs, together 16. For the past few years my DH has slept on the couch....due to his snoring. When now seem to live like brother and sister instead of H/W! I have totally forgot how to be intimate with him. He tries to stop me a hold me for a second, and I'm in a hurry to get moving. It just feels so weird. It's like I have forgotten how to be with my DH. We hardly ever have sex, maybe like a handful of times this year. I just don't feel like it anymore, and truthfully I have forgotten how! I just do it when he finally breaks down and ask for it. We have talked about it and he has totally been trying, where I seem to have been running! I love this man with all my heart. We have been together since I was 13yrs old. So I'm not looking for an out. We are even DTT for #4 later this year. (which I know means we have to have sex!!) I'm asking if anyone has any thoughts, ideas, or advice on how to get me back on track.I'm so so tired of living like brother and sister!! HELP


Hi September 3, welcome to the board ~
I can see that sleeping separately wouldn't do anything to improve closeness with your husband, but I don't think it has much to do with why you don't feel like sex and why you feel more like siblings than husband and wife.
I've heard it said 100 times, and I've found it to be true for myself, "Men want sex because it makes them feel loved, women want sex when they feel loved. You aren't going to want sex when you're feeling more of a platonic type relationship, yet he's going to want sex to assure himself he is loved. I think it's also the reason some men ask for sex after a fight, even when there's been no resolution; meanwhile, the woman's thinking, "you have got to be kidding!" No way is she remotely interested in sex!
I would suspect that the cause to your problem is more about the time you spend together as a couple (not as a mom and dad) that is causing you to feel the way you do. Especially with kids it's easy to let the focus of kids, household chores, etc. talk over, putting your relationship and quality time with each other on hold while you tend to the "more important" things that need to be done. As if you don't already know, there's always something more important or something that needs to be done right now! The fact is, there's nothing more important than your relationship! How often do the two of you spend real quality time together? I mean without a kid in sight -- and them being in bed doesn't count! In order to really have quality down time together I think you really have to get out of the house on a "date". If the kids are home, even if they're asleep, you've got an ear still working as a parent listening for cries, etc. Even if the kids are gone, it's hard to really relax and let down when you're home, there's always something you feel like you should be doing, laundry, cleaning, something and even if you don't feel guilty about not doing it, your head is still engaged as being responsible for the home. To really turn your head "off" and get quality time that you can spend together you just have to get out of the house alone. When's the last time you two have concentrated on your each other and just gone out and enjoyed yourselves? How often do you do that? If you don't do it on a regular basis, I think getting back to making time together a priority will bring you back together close and solve that brother/sister problem. What do you think?
Before I forget -- more than just being annoying, more and more they're finding that snoring is a symptom of some very serious issues -- like sleep apnea. I'd agree that he should see a specialist, or if your local hospital has a sleep center (they're pretty common these days) check in with them for a sleep study and diagnosis.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Understanding the Opposite Sex
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi September ~ Sorry to take so long to get back to you, I was out of town this last weekend.
I do know what you mean about it being easier not to, what we end up doing day after day becomes our routine, our habit, our "rut", and even when we want out of that rut, it feels easier to just stick with what you're used to doing than push yourself to change it. But, you have two choices. Continue to do the things your doing and know that by doing so everything will stay the same or push yourself to make a change so that those things you're not happy with will change. In order to improve/change your situation, you'll have to make changes. I also know stepping out of your normal routine can feel awkward, uncomfortable, or just not feel like what you want to be doing, but it gets easier, soon it won't feel uncomfortable or like something you don't really want to do, and soon after that you'll be enjoying yourself, remembering what it was that made you fall in love with your husband, not wanting to go home at all!
As far as your husband's snoring goes, yes, you should absolutely let the doctor know the surgery did not make a difference. He won't know to do anything else if he doesn't know your husband's still having trouble. I would also suggest you talk to your aunt at the sleep center, and/or your husband's doctor about having him tested for sleep apnea. Tell them both the situation you're in, you may find more help than you'd realized. Sometimes insurance that normally don't pay for certain procedures do when the doctor knows how to word the problem in a way that makes it fit the insurance company's policy. I've had "uncoverable" surgeries covered that very same way. It's definitely worth asking about. Your aunt may know of some program or program that helps cover sleep studies. I do understand your small town dilemma, I lived in a small town myself until a few years ago. Your husband's problem is absolutely something you should continue to pursue. Sleep apnea is a serious condition. Get that solved and you may find yourself married to a new man.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Understanding the Opposite Sex
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"