Please help - really worried

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Please help - really worried
11
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 9:47am

Hi Everyone,
I have a problem and I'd really appreciate some advice from you guys. OK here's a little background info - My BF and I have been living together for 3 yrs. I'm 22, he's 24. Before we bought or house we lived in an apartment with a friend of BF's, lets call him Matt. Matt is 25. We were all very good friends. Matt started seeing this girl, lets call her Katie. Katie is also 22. Shortly after, they moved in together and they've now lived together for about 2 yrs. The four of us get together often, and Katie and I are pretty good friends. I don't have too many close friends and neither does she so I'd say we're pretty much each other's best friend.
So on to the problem - Last night I found out that for at least the last 8 months Matt has been going to strip clubs and actually fooling around with the strippers. He gets oral sex from multiple strippers at the same time, they rub their "stuff" in his face and he "eats"....ugghh sorry, I won't go into detail, it grosses me out. At first he was bragging about this to my BF, who told him this is nothing to brag about and told him that it was awful to do this to Katie. My BF wanted to know for sure if he does this so he went one day and saw Matt doing all that stuff, he was absolutely disgusted and was persuading him to leave for like 3 hrs. Matt also told my BF about this girl at work who also gives him oral sex - my BF went and saw this too, he couldn't believe Matt actually had the nerve to do this in front of him. (in case you think my BF is some sicko perv he was just trying to get proof so he had some evidence in case he decided to tell Katie). Another thing Matt did is hire an escort and spend 45 mins in an apartment with her while my BF waited outside in the car furious. So my boyfriend is so disgusted and so worried for Katie. At frist I was a little mad that he waited so long to tell me but I understand because he had to make Matt think he was on his side, and if I knew about this my BF knew I would find it hard to act normal around Matt. He has been trying to think of a plan to make Katie leave him or something. They do fight a lot but they never break up. Katie has no idea about any of this. We are so worried if she finds out she will fall apart. She is very emationally fragile and has no where to live if they break up. We know it's not really our place to tell Katie, but watching him do this to her is so hard. And we have to pretend to still be Matt's friend because Katie would know something was up if we stopped talking to him. And if Matt found out we told her, I swear he'd kill my BF. He knows there's no one else that could have told her - well thats what we think anyway. It's possible he told one of his other friends. We were thinking maybe something annoymous....A letter or something...I dunno. Please does anyone have any comments or advice? It is so hard for me to stand by and let him do this to my friend. Thanks in advance!



 

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 11:19am

Welcome to the board, Kinky ~


I guess to start with I have a question -- you said Matt would literally kill your boyfriend if he knew he told Katie about any of this.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 11:38am
Well we're not sure if Matt tells anyone else. We're gonna try to find out. Your right, if my BF is the only one who knows then he'd know it was him who told. The guy is not dangerous, but my BF thinks this is just something that would make him furious. My BF is not scared of him but if he told Katie the truth we just don't know what Matt might do. You never know how someone might react to this, you know? Matt thinks my BF is his best friend, and my BF just wants to make sure we're not gonna be in any danger at all if he finds out, even if it is just the slightest chance Matt might come after him, its still a chance.

 

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 11:48am

The short version of what I am thinking is this.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 12:08pm

Well if the guy is not dangerous, then I'd say your real issue is do you want to face him with the fact that you've told Katie?








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 12:42pm

Agree with you








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 12:44pm

k-

took awhile but i have learned that you just NEVER know what is going on in other people's relationships- and to try and figure it out and fix it generally leads to problems.

i am a bit worried about your boyfriend.... it generally doesn't take three hours to convince someone to leave a strip joint- that strikes me as a bit odd- then to go further and 'wait in the car'... yikes!

i don't know how close you are with katie- but you should recognize that if you decide to rock her world with the information there will probably be a decent amount of time where she won't want to see you...otherwise- i say start fresh and let her figure the stuff out on her own.

but watch out for your bf also- three hours? really?!

good luck- it seems like a tough situation for everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2005
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 11:33pm

The title of your post is "Really worried". What are you worried about? It starts out sounding like you're worried about this girl's reaction to the truth about her boyfriend, but before the post is over it sounds like you're worried about the boyfriend killing your boyfriend. But then in a follow-up post it's clear you're not really concerned that the guy would hurt anyone.

So what is it that you're worried about?

Had you thought about your boyfriend's involvment before or did these ladies just open your eyes to that? Or do you think they're totally wrong?

Don't get offended, but I've gotta ask. The bud your boyfriend hangs with loves to get himself "done" while your boyfriend watches, your boyfriend comes home and tells you all about it. Your username is "Kinky". Is there a connection?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 11:00pm
The unfortunate part of all this is Katie is at risk for STD's as well as wasting her time with a cheater, but if you told her the truth, she would never believe it. Denial would kick in and you or your BF would be labeled the bad guy. You are jelous, you are tying to ruin their relationship, spreading gossip,whatever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 9:05am


This is to anyone who thought it was weird/fishy for my BF to stick around the strip club to get proof - he had no choice, they went in Matts truck and my BF was trying to get him to leave the whole time. No my name "Kinky" has nothing to do with this - to the person who said that - You're pretty sick making fun of a situation like this, Katie is in real trouble and why does MY user name have anything to do with this? If my BF was doing something he shouldn't have been I'm pretty sure after this Matt would have told me right away. Matt is now furious at me and my BF. He wishes he had some dirt on my BF! In case u didn't read my whole post my BF and I have lived together for 3 yrs - trust me I know him well enough.

Well here's the update..........Saturday night my BF called Matt and said we're taking him and Katie out for dinner, then he said he needed to talk to Matt so I would just drive back to Katie's and Matt's house with her, and the plan was I could tell her then. I told Kaite earlier in the day that I really neeeded to talk to her. So I guess my BF warned Matt that I knew some stuff about him so at dinner he was SOOOO nervous. SO after dinner my BF went with Matt and told him he didn't want a friend like him, that he'd been going along with him the whole time to get proof of what a lowlife he is, etc. Matt flipped out and couldn't understand why his cheating ruined their friendship. Meanwhile, I told Katie everything. She was furious, and just was so shocked. She had ABSOLUTELY no idea. She kept saying she couldn't believe it over and over. She wanted to kill Matt. She told me she believed it but wanted to confront him. Then my BF called me and told me that I had to get out of there cause Matt was furious at me and was going home right now to confront me and tell Katie we're lying. Matt had tried to hit my BF with his truck, swearing right to my BF's face that it wasn't true even though he knew my BF knew everything was true. So I told Katie I had to go cause Matt was freaking out, and tried to hit my BF with his truck, so I told her don't be alone with him and she went upstairs were his parents were (they rent his parents basement) and as I left she was about to tell his mom what happened. I passed Matt on their street so I left just in time. Apparently he told Katie to "Get into the truck" and she did and they went and talked. I called her later to see if she was ok and Matt was flipping out in the background telling her I'm lying, don't believe anything I say. She said he admitted to the thing with the girl at work but denied the rest. So next time I talked to her was the next day. She sent me some text messages (well I think it was her, it was from her phone but didn't really sound like her - maybe it was Matt?) saying he denied all the stuff and she believed him, and could my BF and I please leave them alone because they're working things out. My BF told Matt he needed some tools back that Matt had borrowed and Matt was calling my BF a lying phsyco, etc. - I swear the guy is CRAZY. So there you have it - we did the right thing, told her to get checked for STD's and she stayed with him. I've lost a friend, my BF lost a friend (well he knows thats no loss, Matt is a loser). I think she's scared to leave, and was worried cause Matt has maxxed out her visa so she knows he needs to pay it. We're pretty upset at how things turned out. We feel so so sorry for Katie but its out of our hands now, I guess it's over, right?


 

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2005
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 11:17am
I think you might want to do a little more thinking about your bf's part in this. He may have been "stuck" at the strip club for three hours since Matt drove, but what stopped him from just walking out? He could get a cab, walk home, call you or another friend to come get him. He had options and CHOSE to stay there. The other thing that adds serious doubt is that it didn't end at the strip club, your bf continued to be a party to it at Matt's work and again in his truck while he waited -- where again, he could have got out and left. The thing is Kinky, it doesn't add up. Your bf's involvement should be raising red flags with you because it isn't logical. Keep your awareness up, question what doesn't seem sensible. Drama always follows people who aren't being truthful.

Pages