I know what to do but just cant

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
I know what to do but just cant
4
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 12:50pm
Alright my bf and i have been on and off the last yr. Our major fight is he quit a job and has no desire to get a new one. For the last 3 months. So finally 2 wks ago hes gets a bullcrap job but still its a job, he went for 1 wk and the 2nd week slept over my house everyday and got up and got ready and everything for work. I called his work and he said that my bf no longer works there. He lied to me for an entire wk. He would wait for me to leave for work and go back to sleep, call me at lunch like he was on his lunch, hr. Then when I confronted him he still lied, later telling me he couldn't tell me because we were doing so good that he didnt want to start a fight. Im so in luv with him, my son loves him, an dI know i should move on but Im jsut having such a tough time with this. Any helpful advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 1:53pm
Hello! But do you want to be taking care of this man for the rest of your life? What happens if you 2 have kids of your own. Your going to be the only one working and trying to take care of children. That is going to put stress on you and the kids and he is going to keep going through life coasting because he knows that you will pay all his bills for him. Is that fair? I don't think so. You already have one child do you really want 2? And what kind of work ethic is he teaching your son. That he can find a women foolish enough to take care of him so he doesn't have to work thats what he will teach your son. You really need to think about him too!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 2:22pm

Welcome back, Honeyap ~ Because I'm at work I'm not able to read or respond to your post, but I peeked in and of course recognized your name. I wanted to provide the links to your previous posts so that others can have the benefit of better understanding and insight of your relationship and, as a result are better able to give you informed thoughts and opinions.


NEED ADVICE


Ex Wife HELP


Many posters find it very helpful to re-read their old posts, in doing so they can often recognize growth - or lack of it in their relationship and often see their issues more clearly as they aren't in the middle of the emotion as they were when they posted them originally. I hope they help you, too.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 3:37am

There's a saying that says, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them". Your boyfriend is telling you loud and clear that he has poor work ethic, is unmotivated, does not feel responsible to pull his weight by contributing to the household income and does not have any problems with you supporting him and your child. What kind of a man is that? Your boyfriend is also telling you that not only that he'll lie to you, but he can and will go to great lengths to carry out those lies and will continue to do what he can to keep you deceived for a very long time. Sorry, but his explanation of not wanting to tell you because you were getting along so well just doesn't fly. So in order to keep getting along he called you every day from home pretending to be at work having lunch? He got up every morning and pretended to get ready for work? That's not a minor lie, those are elaborate, planned and thought out lies. He looked you right in the face and lied repeatedly. Daily. If you want a lazy, lying man, you've found your perfect man, but if you want a partner, you know, someone who will share responsibility with you, if you want a relationship that includes honesty, truth and respect, you'll need to find that kind of person, because that is not your boyfriend. What kind of trust can you have with him ever again, and what kind of relationship can you have without trust? I know you said you love him, but love isn't enough. You need mutual respect, trust, compatible ethics and a more. Based on what you've said, you don't have any of those things. How happy are you? How proud of him are you? How much respect do you have for him? Can you see yourself living the rest of your life working to support you, your son, and a man who's lazy and lies to you?


What about him, what does he have to say about all this? Is he remorseful? Does he know what he did was terribly wrong, is he incredibly sorry? What steps does he plan to make to repair the damage he did to your relationship and your trust? Has he found a job? Is he looking? What has changed for the better from this? If nothing's changed, you know that he's happy just as he is, doesn't want to change and doesn't intend to change. That means you either continue the relationship knowing you're with a man who lies to you and who prefers to have you do all the work, supporting not just you and your child, but him as well. Is that okay with you? Is that how you want to live? If he says he's sorry and wants to make it right, what's he actively doing to repair damage? Is he actually doing something or is he talking about it? Does he know he did some major damage or does he expect you to "get over it" since it's "over and done with"? Taking responsibility is standing up to his wrongs and taking action. Expecting you to get over it, stop making such a big deal about it, or stop trying to guilt him about it says he's not taking responsibility, not at all.


What about his own children? How is he paying child support to them if he's not working? If he's not paying child support and he feels no more obligation to his own children than that, you know that he'll treat you and any child he'd have with you the very same way. Staying with him means possibly having a child with him, which will ultimately mean paying for, raising and having total responsibility for another child. You won't be able to count on him for anything at all.


Htenley2 was absolutely right with everything she said, but she missed a part of what this relationship is teaching your son. It is indeed teaching him about what is a good work ethic for a man to have -- it's teaching him that working is an option, that being supported by others is an acceptable way to live, which is also teaching your son that being a responsible adult, even being responsible for yourself isn't necessary or a priority. It's also sending a message about women. Your relationship tells your son that women do all the work and men do what they want. Men lie and women accept it. He's learning that what your boyfriend does is the way things should be and he's learning from watching you that it is so because you allow it to continue, you allow it to be your life. If it was not acceptable, if it wasn't an okay way to be treated or to live, you wouldn't let it continue to be the way you live. Your son watches the two of you and what he sees is his example of how men and women should be. You two are his "ideal", his picture of "normal" and "right". You're teaching him by example how to live in his own adult life. Be sure what you're teaching him is an example of the way you want him to live.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 9:36am
You are going to be supporting yourself and your son and this lazy loser if you keep him around and this relationship progresses any further.