A Boyfriend who cheated...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
A Boyfriend who cheated...
4
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 12:17pm
Well here’s the situation. I’ve posted a bit awhile back (I think around a year ago), and I always got good help here, so I figured it was worth a try again. I have been dating a guy almost 11 months. Up until about 2 months ago, I was more than sure that this was the guy that I was going to marry. Well one night in May, he checked his email using my computer, and forgot to sign out. Since we use the same email service, I accidently got his email when I typed in the site. Well in his email, I noticed a “passions.com” order. Asked him about it, he said it was nothing, that he was sure it was just spam mail. Well I didn’t sign out of the email, and went back the next morning and investigated a little bit. Turns out Passions.com is a slutty personals site, and he had posted an ad on it, and paid for a subscription so that he could talk to other women. I confronted him, we broke up. He did everything in his power to prove to me how much he loved me, and needless to say I took him back, I loved him too much not too. Since then, I’m just having a hard time moving on from it. It’s hard not to think every time he picks up his phone, or checks his email that he’s not talking to another women. I feel like if I wasn’t what he needed then, I’m probably not now. He assures me he would never think about doing it again, because that would mean losing me, and he doesn’t want to do that. He doesn’t like to talk about it though, and kinda gets upset when I keep bringing it up, but I almost feel like I need to for some reason. I guess my question is, to the people who have been through this before, how did you get past it? How do I begin to trust him again? Any advice would be helpful, thanks.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 2:04pm

I don't think you can, since he wants to sweep it under the carpet.

I would be insisting on couples counseling, and him living his life as a complete open book for as long as it takes for you to trust him again...meaning, he SHOWS you his phone, his email, etc. Of course, where there's a will, there's a way, and just because he shows you "everything", doesn't mean there's not another secret email account (or whatever). And that's why counseling is so important...BOTH of you need to get to the bottom of why he did it, and more importantly, what has CHANGED about his morals and values since he chose to do that, so that you can accept it's safe to trust him again. He may well love you...but a man who truly wants to be in a committed, monogamous relationship DOES NOT post a personal ad!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 4:52pm
Well he's very good about not getting upset if I am looking over his shoulder when he's reading his email, or if I pick up his phone and start looking through it. It's just like when I bring it up, he almost feels like I'm rubbing his nose in it, even though I'm not. I guess I just don't know how to bring it up because it's concerning me, not because I want to remind him of what he's done wrong. I think couples consueling is a little overboard, just for the reason that, we're dating, we're not married. I think it it needs couple's counseling at this point then there is no hope for a future, but that's just me (not trying to down play your idea, sorry if it sounds that way).
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 5:26pm

Well, that's what a counselor is for...a neutral 3rd party to help you figure out ways to communicate about and resolve difficult issues. Personally, I think that if a relationship is worth *being* in and is at all serious, it's worth going to counseling, so that you HAVE a chance at a future. If a particular relationship isn't worth going to counseling, then IMO it's not worth being in.

But if you're not comfortable with that, you're not. I don't know what to tell you, I wouldn't be able to deal with a breach of trust like that and get past it without him being completely willing to talk about it as much as I needed to!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 3:46am

Hi Katiekate81 ~ When you posted before, was it under a different name? I don't remember your name (and I'm usually very good at that).


Katie, you feel like you need to talk about this infidelity (which is what this was whether he actually saw anyone else or not)is because you do need to talk about it. It's absolutely normal and it's a big part of what you need to be able to do in order to get through this. Of course you aren't trying to make him feel guilty or rub it in, but the fact remains that this is damage that he's caused. He may not like having to face up to it, but he did it, he's responsible for it, and in order to be responsible and appropriately active in repairing the damage that he caused, facing it is what he'll have to do. It's not surprising that he'd be uncomfortable talking about it, but he needs to man up and do it. Avoiding talking about it is avoiding taking responsibility for it. Nobody likes to face wrongs that they've done, but an appropriate, emotionally healthy adult can face up to their actions and do what needs to be done. Does that make sense?


Northwestwanderer is correct in saying that in order to regain trust he needs to have his life be a complete open book to you. Whatever you need to feel more assurance that he's being honest and trustworthy is what he needs to do. That means complete access to cell phone bills and voice mail passwords, email passwords, as well as being completely open to you about where he is, what he's doing at all times. It's great that he's good about not getting upset about you looking over his shoulder, but that's not nearly enough. Face it, if he's doing anything even slightly wrong, he's sure not going to be anywhere near his email or the site when you're at his place! And he can certainly delete numbers from his phone. These are controlled situations. He needs to be more than "good about letting you peek", he needs to be willing to open it up for examination any and all times you choose, whether he's around or not. If he's got nothing to hide, he shouldn't have a problem. He's caused this, he needs to be willing to fix it. If he's going to be around other women, he needs to tell you in advance. If he finds himself in a situation where he's with another woman unexpectedly (say he runs into someone he knows) he needs to tell you as absolutely soon as possible, even if he doesn't think there's any way you'd find out. If he doesn't tell you and someone you know happened to see him and tells you, any and all trust that's been built up will be immediately and completely gone. The thing about trust is that it isn't something you can make yourself do. Trust is something people earn. He's shown he's not trustworthy and you'll have to have enough examples of him being trustworthy before you'll feel able to trust him again.


Another aspect of trust is that it makes you doubt yourself. You trusted him and he clearly wasn't able to be trusted. That means your judgment on who is and is not able to be trusted isn't as good as you thought it was. How can you trust your own judgment to know when he is trustworthy?


I guess I'm a little confused at why you'd think couples counseling is overboard. You said you had believed the two of you would get married, isn't working through a serious problem like infidelity (or attempted infidelity) something that you feel is important with a guy you'd marry? Why wouldn't you want to resolve the problem completely, with the help of someone who's trained do just that? Marrying him first, then seeking counseling would be a big mistake. Finding out if the problem is resolvable first makes more sense than facing the choice between staying in an unhappy marriage or divorce. I think without counseling most likely your relationship won't survive. Infidelity is a very serious issue and is not at all easy to get through. Whether you seek couples counseling or not, you should get yourself some counseling to help you work through the problems, issues and questions the incident has left you with. I'm pretty sure you think this is overboard too, but you need to know that infidelity issues will follow you if they're not resolved. Many women have posted on this board not able to trust their boyfriends or husbands, always feeling insecure and unsure in their relationships because of infidelity. The kicker is, almost all of them are no longer with the guy who did it, most have been out of that relationship for five or more years. Yet still, the damage done by the infidelity is baggage they take with them from one relationship to another, continuing to cause them pain and continuing to affect each and every relationship they have. Taking care of this the right way, now before you've let it latch in deep will keep you from joining their ranks.


And I'll bet you're thinking, "this wasn't infidelity, he didn't do anything". Well lets look at the intent. Why would he post on a slutty personals site, looking for new friends maybe? Or did he say he was just curious about the responses he'd get? Do you really think that's all he was after? And do you not think once he has offers, names, phone numbers and addresses it would just be a matter of time before he called them, then arranged a meeting, "just to see" and so on from there? It's often a series of conditioning and moving forward in a behavior that gets you to places you wouldn't go in one step. If you believe him, then what are you doing with a guy who gets off on reading what kind of bites he gets from a slutty personals site? No matter what excuse he gives, this is no small thing. The fact that you're still troubled by it says so, and I'll bet your gut tells you this is a very serious matter too.


If you've got questions, you need to ask them, and you need to question and challenge answers that don't make sense to you. If they don't make sense, it's not because you "don't get it", it's because they're bogus. Explanations that put question marks in your head are actually red flags, not questions. They're saying "this isn't right, this doesn't make sense, this doesn't add up", unless of course, you often don't get what people explain to you. But since you sound like a very intelligent girl who seems to have understood Northwestwanderer's response perfectly, I don't think that's the case. If you want to talk about the incident, just tell him, "I'm feeling uncomfortable about the personals ad you placed and I really need to talk to you about it." Being open to talking about issues that affect you is important in a relationship. If he blows this off as "your problem" or something he's "tired of hearing about/dealing with" or that you just need to "let it go" you will know he's avoiding the issue. You'll also know he's not the kind of guy who looks at a relationship as a couple -- if one of you has a problem or issue, the relationship has a problem or issue and both of you need to be active and interested in dealing with it.


Articles from our Information and Resources section that will be helpful to you are:
Getting Over an Affair
Healing From Infidelity
Recurring Memories of Spouses Affair
Is It Cheating?
Is it just friends or infidelity?
The Truth About the Power of Love

If you need help with talking to him:
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love

And last but not least, another board that may be helpful to you is:
Betrayed Spouses Support

Yeah, I know you're not married, but these ladies have been down that road and know what you're dealing with. They'll be a great source to bounce off any question you have about whether his actions were infidelity or not and will quite likely be able to offer you a good look at what you're likely up against, depending on his reactions/actions to the incident and your needs.

Don't downplay this, Katie, you're way more important than that.





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