is it me? update

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
is it me? update
3
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 9:00pm

for reference: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&msg=8898.1&ctx=128

Well, today, DBF finally got around to having the conversation with his friend... and she is acting as if I'm trying to instigate some "5th grade bs"--her words, he let me listen to her voice message to him. As it turns out, DBF really feels that I overreacted because to him, butter couldn't possibly melt in this woman's mouth, she's the epitome of female saintliness, etc.

He said to her that she probably should call me to smooth over the waters, but in her message, she's saying that she doesn't know what to say, or why she's defending herself. When he spoke to her earlier, she asked him if I thought that she was hitting on him, and he said "no, I believe that she feels she was disrespected by the way in which you handled the conversation". I told him that since she's afraid to call me and talk to me, that I'll call her and speak with her, but he feels that that would throw gas on the fire instead of water. He feels that he shouldn't be put in a place to have to choose between his woman and his friend, even though when I initially posted this event, he agreed that she did step over the line. I feel that he's put himself in the position of having to choose because he doesn't seem to feel that his friend disrespecting me is a big deal.

So, now her story changed, in that she wanted to talk to him about business without the other partners--however, that's the exact opposite of what she said at the table... she clearly stated that she wanted to go out and have a drink with her friend, as her friend, and not as her business partner talking about business. Seeing that they speak every day on the phone about the business, it blows her little protest out of the water.

Well, I do believe in karma and also the worm turning. If she doesn't want 5th grade bs brought to her, then she shouldn't engage in 5th grade bs in the first place. I was minding my own business when she invaded my space with her 5th grade bs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: quenek
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 9:22pm

I thought nobody was going to say anything to her about it? I felt and still feel any kind of confronting her on the issue (by you or your DBF) is going to make it worse. It doesn't matter who starts the 5th grade bs, the one who puts an end to it is the better for it (and you don't put an end to it by participating or sinking to that level). You can't make her be different than she is, your DBF can't make her be different than she is and you *did* put him in the middle. All you can really do, all you could ever do from the moment it happened, is decide if you are going to let it bug you to death or not.

She's got all new amunition to get at you with and it's not going to get nicer or easier, because now she knows it's been eating at you since early July. That kind of knowledge is huge to someone like her, she's got you right where she wanted you all along, on the defensive with her looking like the victim. You played right into her hands. Her behavior is only a big deal if you make it or let it be a big deal, and you just showed her she can be a very big deal in your life if she wants that, and she clearly does. Her dramatic voicemail to your DBF was like a victory dance for her.

I would let it drop completely if I were you, it's the only way you are going to get out of this. But just like giving a cookie to a child to get good behavior, once the child knows he can get that cookie, he'll scream and kick and not listen to a thing you say until you give in again, and again and again. You are going to have to rise above and ignore her for a good long time, even if she provokes you, before she'll give up and stop. Another analogy that fits here is someone being attacked by a shark. The harder you kick and fight the harder the shark tries to kill you. If you stop for a minute and play dead, you might be able to slip away and save yourself*. As for your DBF, I'd tell him you agree, you overreacted and now you just want to put it behind you. He'll appreciate that, you'll find some peace and she'll be back where she used to be, out of your relationship.

*I am not a shark expert, but this is what I've heard. Please double check me if you are planning to swim with actual sharks.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: quenek
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 10:45pm

Lol, Firstamendment, I'd always heard you were supposed to hit them right on the nose as hard as you can. The man who rescued that girl who was killed by a shark in Florida recently was quoted as saying when you're looking at the huge beast, hitting it seems crazy, but, he said, crazy as it sounds, it works.


So there you have two opposite recommendations heard, definitely get some first hand expert advice before swimming where sharks may be!





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: quenek
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 11:15pm

I agree with Firstamendment that you're now in a position that you can't win from. No matter what, she's the victim and unjustly accused. She gains sympathy, you gain negative. You're also no longer able to convey to her a stand that indicates that you do not feel threatened, at least not for a long time, she already knows you do. I'm not sure I'd be able to say, "You're right, I was overreacting, let's forget it", but I would say, "Let's forget it".


Men on the whole seem to have a blind spot for women who are coming on to them. We see through their words and their actions, but it goes right over men's heads. They see it all as innocent and in calling attention to it, making a fuss about it, they rise to the defense of the "innocent, nice" woman and look at us in a poor light, the more fuss is made, the poorer the view. Reminding him that she's changed her story or trying to convince him it wasn't innocent as she insists won't be effective, especially considering he was there and heard her himself. Your s/o's response is not uncommon. Maddening, infuriating, but not uncommon. I have to wonder, Quenek, why was he having you listen to her voice mail when it was derogatory and especially since he seems to have changed his mind and now agrees with her? What was the purpose of that? What was to be gained? It would seem to have been better to just not mention that there was a voice mail at all.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"