Disagreeing or WAR?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2005
Disagreeing or WAR?
8
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 11:08pm


Hi everyone. I'm sad and feel like I'm backed into a corner which is why I am writing. When my live-in boyfriend and I argue, he fights dirty. He gets real mad, real fast. He is nasty, he uses words like "always" and "never" and his first instinct when he's hurt my feelings, is to be mad at me. Eventually he comes to his senses and apologizes but it's after he's said (like "f*** off") and done things (like leave in a huff) that can't be taken back. I don't want to be dramatic about this - In the last year we've only had a handful of disagreements but they are always the same. The last time we argued we had a long talk about how to disagree w/o forgetting we love each other and he agreed to put his war tactics to rest. It's happened again and I feel confused. Do I tell him it's not ok and hope it doesn't happen again or do I leave? I want him to take me seriously but I don't want to have to leave to have him understand. Any ideas ladies? I'm all ears...

Carol

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 12:00am
What's all the fussin' and fightin' about anyway?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 2:10am

Welcome to the board, Kelly ~


I think what you're feeling is normal, and you're right, words spoken in anger cannot be taken back, aren't forgotten and not only can they hurt a relationship (and the way you see him), but it can destroy relationships too. I want to be sure his outbursts aren't derogatory to you, no name calling, no insults, right? Even if he doesn't say anything derogatory or threatening to you, do you feel at all frightened or threatened by his tone, actions or anything else? Let me know, okay? I also think you're right to be concerned and to be considering whether this is a place you want to stay or not. It's not a healthy or productive place to be.


I do have questions that will help me form an opinion and know what I'd suggest to you. I know you said you talked and he agreed not to react this way, and I know here he is acting just like his old self, but what about between the agreement and now? Any arguments or is this the first? If there were others before this, did he handle them better? How long has it been since the agreement? And what are those same handful of things you always argue about?


I'll be checking back for your answer!





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2005
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 11:39am

Me again. Thanks to the both of you for responding and asking for more information. His outbursts don't scare me and I feel no physical threat at all either. He doesn't call me names either. He gets overly upset, he won't take responsibility (and in most cases tries to turn it on me), he wastes our time acting like a baby for a day or so and then he expects an apology to be enough.

We haven't had a real argument since our agreement. A couple of little tiffs have come up and those were fine. Like I said, we don't argue very often. But when we do, he is awful. The funny thing is, we don't fight about any one thing. And most times, it's something I consider small (like last night) and it makes me wonder, what happens if we ever have to deal with something big?

We are pretty busy socially and at work. Once in a while one or both of us will realize that we're starting to fall out of sync with each other and most of the time, a good makeout session and some intimate talk time gets us back into the swing of things. A couple of days ago we realized we were a little out of sync. In response to this, I suggested an intimate meeting at home after work. I busted my tail to wrap up with work early and I was there, naked as a jay bird waiting for him when he walked in. He climbs into bed and says "I'm a little shy, it's been so long". The wind went out of my sails almost immediately. I thought to myself, even if it had been a long time, why would he say that? Was that supposed to make me feel like having sex? And if it's been so long, why isn't he just happy I'm naked and waiting for him? By the way, it hadn't been SO LONG. It had been about 4 days. So, I was hurt and offended and no longer in the mood and it all blew up from there. His "f*** off" comment came when I saw he was walking around with an attitude and we needed to head off to pick up his sister at the airport. I thought to myself, if he's going to act like an ass all the way to the airport for hurting MY feelings, I don't want to go. When I suggested calmly that he go get her alone he freaked out, told me to f** off, slammed the door HARD and drove away as fast as he could.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 3:57pm

It's interesting that I just left a therapy session a couple of hours ago where one of the topics was my DH's behavior when he gets mad at me.

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2005
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 5:36pm
You may want to explore some books an emotional abuse. I don't know enough about your situation, but I was once in a relationship with someone who reacted similarly when he got upset. He became a cruel beast during when he became angry (usually about something little), and always seemed to turn things around to be my fault. I ended up walking on eggshells and going out of my way to avoid an arguement, though that was an exercise in futility. Once I left him I read some books and realized that I had been slowly sucked into an abusive relationship. Remember, you can't change him, he can only change himself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 9:53pm

Kelly, I'm glad to hear that you don't feel threatened and he's not name calling, that would indicate verbal/emotional abuse, which is an entirely different matter that can't be dealt with the same. And if I understand you correctly, this is the first real argument since your agreement, disagreements you've had before this were small enough that they wouldn't have caused a problem anyway so this is the first "test" of the agreement so to speak. How long ago did you make the agreement?


But you'll have to help me out because apparently I'm not at all getting the picture of what's going on. I don't get why him telling you he was a little shy because it had been so long ticked you off or got you out of the mood. Was his tone bad? Is this a old issue? The way it's described it seems to me that he's being very open and vulnerable with you by telling you he's feeling shy, and sharing those kinds of feelings isn't easy for many guys. It also seems that it would indicate the need for slow prolonged foreplay, which is never a bad thing IMO :) I don't understand why you'd take it as an indication that somehow not having sex more frequently is your fault, after all, he's fully one half of the relationship and as such is just as responsible for the relationship. From what you said, you both recognized you were out of sync, you were the one who suggested an intimate get together, how can blame be pointed at you? I have to say too, if your relationship is falling apart and you're losing closeness with each other because you haven't had sex in four days, most likely you have a sexual relationship rather than an emotional one.


From there you said you were hurt and offended and no longer in the mood, then you jump to him throwing a comment when you saw he was walking around with an attitude. You had to be doing or saying something to cause him to *see* he was walking around with an attitude. What happened between you getting hurt and offended and his comment? I also understand that you're upset that he's not addressing your hurt feelings, but I don't know that you conveyed your feelings as hurt, rather as you said earlier, "hurt and offended". That's more likely to put you in an angry, defensive mode, which would likely trigger an angry, defensive reaction. Also, if he was being vulnerable with you about being shy, he was probably hurt and embarrassed by your reaction to his confession.


I'm not saying you're wrong and he's right, I'm saying I don't understand and would like to get clear on it. I do suspect though, that you might have a more active role in his attitude and reaction than you think, but without a little more explanation of what happened between his "announcement" and his "comment", I can only suspect. I hate to jump to conclusions, if I guess and guess wrong it's a waste of your time and mine! I'm sure we can give you some good suggestions when we have a good picture of the scene!





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex



Edited 7/28/2005 10:02 pm ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 10:29pm

Welcome to the board, Susanc323 ~


It sounds like your husband is getting better, and that's a good thing. Is your husband going in for an appointment to determine whether he has a depression problem or not? I assume if he has extreme and prolonged anger that it, as well as his depression would be a result of underlying, unresolved issues. Is he in individual therapy to uncover and address those? If all that's so (and I don't know that it is) meds might help his symptoms (depression) and as a result, his reaction of anger, but without going hand in hand with therapy they'll only mask the symptoms, they won't address the problem. Just tossing that out as food for thought.


Another thing that occurred to me was something a therapist told me when I mentioned that I wanted to work on my holding onto hurts and anger. She said that often hanging onto hurt and anger is actually avoidance. I should mention that not only did I focus on anger about whatever the issue was, I would feed my anger by thinking back to other incidents that my boyfriend (at the time) had hurt me. What I was avoiding was really facing the hurt that I felt, rather than feel it, I focused on my anger about whatever the situation was and thereby could keep myself from having to deal with my real feelings -- the ones that were harder to face. She suggested that when I was in a situation like that I should take some time (15 minutes or so) to quietly sit with my hurt, to let myself feel that and in feeling it be able to let it go. Harder at first for sure, but once you get it, much easier and quicker than holding onto anger for hours/days at a time.


What I do hear is that he's getting better and you're learning the role you play in his reaction and by learning better ways to listen to him and to not to be as reactive you're doing your part to make your relationship better.


Best of luck on achieving your goal, it sounds like you're doing all the right things to get just that!





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 10:44pm

Verbal and emotional abuse are the hardest to identify and often those in verbal/emotional abusive relationships don't realize they're even in an abusive relationship! If you're at all concerned that your relationship might include verbal abuse, I urge you to post with some questions on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. The members there are great and will be able to help you identify or dispel your concerns that your situation is abusive. I would also urge you to check out Domestic Abuse Board’s Homepage as it's a wealth of information. I've gained a lot of knowledge from reading the information there. Towards the end of their homepage is a list, from "Other Domestic Violence Links" on are a list of informational links and posts. Often, even if they don't seem to apply to verbal/emotional abuse, you'll find that they do. Please remember as you read the descriptions and indicators that not every abuser is going to meet every criteria, if your situation can apply to only a few, that doesn't mean your situation isn't abusive, it just means your partner is abusive in the areas you've identified as opposed to all offered.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"