unemployed again

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
unemployed again
7
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 10:11pm

I'm not sure what to do with this one. I've been living with my boyfriend for about 5 months...we've been dating a total of 8 months (yes, I know, wayyyy too soon). I'll get to the point quickly,...he's been unemployed for almost 2 months. He's been paying his way completely still because he had a lot in savings built up, thankfully. However, I am frustrated. When I first met him, he was unemployed but found work quickly and was with a good company that seemed to be going smoothly. Well then, he lost his job and hasn't been able to find work. My problem is this: instead of pounding the streets looking for a job for most of the day, he spends his day watching tv, surfing, doing his personal errands, and doing a little bit of newspaper/internet employment searching.

I've tried talking to him about different ways he could try finding jobs, and different job fields he could look into but he got very defensive to me. He claimed that he will do the job search himself and doesn't need me being 'condensending' about the way he chooses to go about it. He feels that he's a 'big boy' and can handle it himself and I don't need to worry cuz he won't screw me over financially. For a little background, this HAS happened to me before. I lived with a guy who was constantly unemployed and I ended up paying his part of rent because I had to. I am scared that I'm getting myself into the same perdicament.

I love my boyfriend. But I scared to death that I'm going to get screwed. Both of our names are on the lease and equal rights to the apartment. He has horrible credit and I have really good credit. Financially, I'm the only one who has anything to lose. I realize that I did this to myself because countless people told me what a dumb thing it was to move in with someone so quickly...but now I've got to deal with what I got. I love my boyfriend dearly and I care for his welfare, but I am really scared that I'm gonna get screwed. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I just needed to vent my issues somewhere. I am extremely frustrated cuz I feel that I can't talk to him about his narrow view on job searches...and his surfing and tv watching. 'I' personally feel that his job should be FINDING A JOB...not surfing cuz now he has more time for extracurriclar activities. I'm just freaking out and don't know what to do or where to turn. Can anybody comment, give advice, or anything? Thank you so much!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 10:25pm

I think you need to stay out of how he's going about his job search, and focus instead on making sure he knows what his obligations to you and the household are (e.g., the minimum amounts he needs to contribute, housework he needs to do, etc). So long as he's meeting those obligations, then he stays. But if he doesn't meet them, then he has to move out (and it may be that both of you breaking the lease will be less expensive in the long run than him moving out and you having trouble making rent or having to get a roommate).

In other words, set reasonable boundaries and leave it up to him as to how he meets them. But you have to be prepared to enforce them.

He may just need more time to recover from the embarrassment and blow to his ego. Try to be understanding of that, and so long as he's meeting his obligations, let him do things his way.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 10:39pm

If he left could you afford the rent? Get your lease out and read the fine print, some will allow you to break the lease by paying an extra months rent or by paying the rent until they find a replacement tenant. Or call the leasing office and just ask, I'm sure they've dealt with it before. I once had a crazy woman stalking me and I was able to break the least by paying a few hundred dollars. Start saving up so you know you can at least cover one or two months of the rent payment if he falls short.

Do you have any other joint obligations other than rent, phone, utilities? If not, then don't enter into any.

I agree with the previous post that you need to let him handle this his way. He is not you and he will not do it the way you think is best. Getting on his case is not going to make him happily do what you say, it's going to be discouraging, feel like you don't support him or believe in him and he'll only get defensive. What you should do is express to him your feelings and fear that you have been left in a lurch before and you are afraid of being held solely responsible to pay all the bills and that your credit will be damaged as a result. Let him reassure you how he is committed to not letting that happen.

Then just step back. Look at how he handles things and don't comment about it to him, but make mental notes if this is the kind of person you can see yourself with for the long term. You want to know that he will take care of his responsibilities, not because you demand it, but because he is willing and capable of doing that. All people run into problems and challenges in their lives, and watching how they rise to overcome them tells you a lot about who he is and whether he is right for you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 11:18pm

Welcome back, Iamlinkgirl!


I think it's finally cooled off enough for me to go out on my evening run, now I just need to get out there before I'm running in the dark! But before I go I wanted to post the links to your previous posts so everyone can be up to speed on your relationship. It really helps in getting a better overall picture and helps you get answers that address your situation a lot more accurately.


pet names...other girls *grrrrr* :)
house guests

Many find that in rereading their old posts they are able to recognize and understand things about their issues they couldn't while in the middle of them and can also see improvement (or lack of) too. Hope they're insightful to you as well!





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex



Edited 7/28/2005 11:32 pm ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 2:30am

I can so relate to how you're feeling -- I've had a husband (ex) who didn't get serious about unemployment (he was too good for the jobs that were available) until the economy completely closed up and there was virtually nothing available where we lived. He ended up being unemployed for a full year and I ended up struggling to pay the mortgage and everything else on my paycheck. After that I also put myself in a financial situation with a live-in boyfriend that I shouldn't have and felt the same kind of anxieties and fears that you're feeling as a result. It can feel like a real fine line to maintain solo financial independence without coming off like you're controlling or paranoid/suspicious. Fact is, you should be sure you always remain in a situation that doesn't tie you into more than you can handle on your own, and you shouldn't tie yourself financially with anyone (unless you are certain you can handle it on your own if that should happen -- and thinking "he'd never do that to me" can't be a part of that decision).


Northwestwanderer and Firstamendment have given you very, very good advice. Sheri's right, while the work issue is driving you nuts, it's not your place to tell your boyfriend to get a job. I think you're right, he should be seriously looking for work, but he's not your husband, it's his choice how he deals with his life. I think Firstamendment is right in pointing out that his actions and decisions should be carefully weighed by you, in the long run do you want to be tied to a man who will choose to play rather than to secure his source of income? His choices speak to his values, his character; if he'll choose to play rather than seriously look for work now he'd do it again, it speaks to the importance he places on financial stability. Hard as it is, I agree that you should keep yourself from pushing him to find work and instead take note of his choices.


I also completely agree that you should set some boundaries as Sheri suggested. I think you should take it a step further by setting a boundary that says, for instance, if he cannot make rent or his half of the utilities and expenses at any time, you or he are moving out. By setting a definite line in the sand, you're letting him know clearly and absolutely what your expectations are and you're also defining for yourself at what point you'll take action. You can make yourself more answerable to the boundaries you set by sharing them with friends, which will make it very hard to hedge on them. That should give you a little more feeling of control and clarity on when you'll make that move, instead of getting caught in that place you were in before. You can't change what he does, but you can make choices for what you will do if need be. I'd also suggest you do what Firstamendment suggested and look at the fine print of your lease. I'd also suggest you start putting some money aside from every paycheck so that if you find yourself need first, last and deposit you can handle it. I think knowing that you have some $$ behind you will help you feel more secure in this situation. I know it did for me.


I know none of this is easy, you just want him to get a job, dammit! It's not an unreasonable expectation, you'd think it wouldn't even be an issue. But, you can't make him do what you want, you can't make the situation be what you'd like and that's hard. All you can do is choose to stay in it or not, and if you choose to stay (I really don't think you're planning to bolt tomorrow) work to keep your issues separate from his and be mindful that you can't change what he does and you shouldn't try. If it's hard to deal with (and I know it is!) you might consider coming back to vent on the board or bounce thoughts/feelings/issues on us so we can help you stay in and recognize your place


All I've said aside, I wonder if he knows where your anxiety on this subject comes from? Does he know it "twangs" you from your past? I don't think knowing that (if he doesn't already) will make a difference in job search motivation, but understanding where you've been might help him understand your reaction. I just think more information/communication is a good thing. You could say something like, "Look, I want you to know where my feelings on your unemployment come from [blah, blah, blah} and that's why I get so uptight. I want you to know that I know it's not my choice or decision how or when you look for work and I'm going to do my best to stay out of it." Unfortunately, even saying that won't change the fact that your boyfriend is perfectly comfortable with prolonged unemployment, and that's not okay with you. I doubt there are many who would be accepting of it, honestly.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 9:27am

I can sure understand how you feel. My SO and I are probably older than you, but the situation is the same. When I met him 4 years ago he'd just been laid off. That lay-off caused him to have to sell his house and file bankruptcy. He moved in with me. He finally took a $10.00 an hour labor job out of desperation; was laid off from that this past March and has been unemployed since. It's hard both financially and emotionally, so I know what you're saying. It's probably especially hard on you because you haven't known him that long and you've been burned before by a slacker.

Try to remember this. Men define themselves by work and career. It's devastating to most men to lose a job and be out of work. Plus many of them will become defensive if questioned about their job loss or job hunting motivations. It's painful to their ego. Right now your BF isn't sweating bullets because he has a little nest egg he's using, but as that starts to dwindle down he'll hopefully re-energize and get more serious about his job search.

Still, you have a right to be concerned for your own well-being. It's an uncertain time for you, as well, and you have enough respect for yourself that you don't want anyone taking advantage of you. Good girl. As long as he can keep up with his financial obligations right now, give him some breathing room and time to think and regroup. But keep an eye on the nest egg your BF is living off of, and when you see it getting below a comfortable level you need to put the pressure on because without that money he'll then be dependent on you.

Fortunately, my SO has been enrolled in a workforce program that is paying him to get the certifications he needs to get back into the IT industry (his former career). But it's only for unemployed people so he can't be working and taking these classes. Right now, he'll be unemployed for another month or two. But at least he's taking action to remedy the situation and make things better for the future.

I hope things will turn around for your BF. Maybe after a little "vacation" he'll get re-energized and get down to some serious job hunting. HUGS

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 4:19pm
Hi everyone, I just wanted to say thank you for all your responses. I really intend to take all of your advice. I'm gonna stay out of his job search business but I will define clear boundaries with him. I'm also going to start building my savings account in preparation for any worse case scenario. Its gonna be kind of hard to keep my opinions to myself...lol...but I'm gonna try giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. I'm just really scared that its all gonna happen again. But, I definately will refuse to pay his way if he runs out of money. I was talking to a friend of mine, and she reminded me that although I do love my boyfriend, he is NOT my husband (as somebody here also pointed out), so I've finally been able to define that boundary in my head without guilt. I fear that if I don't vow to take care of him in all ways, then I'm not doing my job as a devoted loving girlfriend...but, as of now, he is my boyfriend...not a husband...so I feel 'safer' not feeling guilty. Gosh, does that make sense? haha. Well, anyways, thank you for your advice, I'll be back to update :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 1:11am

Hey Iamlinkgirl, glad we helped! I know keeping your opinion to yourself won't be easy, I don't envy you that at all! Hope you don't end up with either a bloody stump for a tongue from biting your tongue or a big hole in the top of your head where you exploded from trying to hold it all in!


You're right to realize that since you aren't married the situation isn't the same as if you were. What is important to think about is whether you want a husband who holds these kinds of values and ethics about work. Obviously, his are different from yours and that's a hard place to reconcile. You're right too that as a girlfriend it is not your job to carry him through this. Remember that he's making his own choices, therefore he's responsible for the consequences. Bailing him out would not be helpful to him (no lesson learned other than he can do what he wants and not suffer for it), to you or to your relationship (anger, resentment, lack of trust and faith in him). As his girlfriend and being responsible for taking care of your own best interest (it may sound selfish but I don't mean it cut throat, I just mean you have to be your own caretaker), it is your responsibility to pay attention to what he does and use what you see as criteria for whether you feel he continues to be the kind of person you want to spend your life with. Boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are for just that, assessing and reassessing each other, your wants needs, etc. to make sure they match up to what you want and need in a relationship and, as you continue to learn more things about them and see them in new situations, you continue to reassess based on that new information.

I know you know this, but it's not about picking a guy then sticking with him no matter how he turns out to be. Judge the guy as you go along, at this eight month stage of your relationship there's still plenty you don't know about him, plenty to learn. Here's hoping this is a minor glitch that resolves itself and not the beginning of more that doesn't match up to you. And if it is, here's hoping you have the courage and love for yourself to move on.

I don't know that this is you, but it's food for thought:
Unmatched ambitions

Good luck with this, and keep us posted! Feel free to come back to vent if being a silent observer become more than you can take, we'll be here!





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"