Alcohol-induced cheating... what to do?
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Alcohol-induced cheating... what to do?
| Sat, 07-30-2005 - 6:21pm |
Last year around this time, my best friend at the time came over to my our apartment because she was having a particularly rough time with her own boyfriend (my boyfriend & I had been living together for 6 mos. at that point but had been together long distance, on & off, for about 6 years).
My friend had come over many times before and had crashed in our spare bedroom many times... no problems at all. I felt somehow, that when she came over, she & my boyfriend hit it off very well.. they had very similar tastes in things and they had an amazing communication with each other. I never got jealous because he said that he wasn't attracted to her because she was a smoker.
Nevertheless, this night that she came over, she brought over a huge bottle of champagne. He had already had some scotch before I got home and when she got there, we cracked open the champagne. I had half a glass and then fell asleep on the couch because I was exhausted from the day (it was Friday).
I woke up to her rushing out of the apartment at like 3am saying she had forgotten to take her birth control pill or something. My boyfriend & I then went into our bedroom & went to sleep.
Then at 6am, he woke me up and told me he remembered doing something wrong with her. But he couldn't remember what. He had told me stories from before about him drinking & blacking out & not remembering things, but I was concerned. Then, she called me later that day to tell me that the night before she had woken up to him sitting next to her on the bed. Her shirt was pulled up and she said her bra was undone.
I have no idea to this day what happened that night, but it wreaked havoc on our lives. She filed a police report against him for assault. They went to court and the whole process took months until the case was dropped and he got a plea bargain and now is attending AA meetings.
Things haven't been the same, obviously, since this happened. I moved out shortly afterwards and moved in with my friend. Only to have her kick me out for reasons I didn't understand, about a month later.
I'm confused and don't know what to do. These days I can't get myself to feel anything for him and most of the time I just feel numb.
Please, anyone, let me know your thoughts. I could really use some advice on what to do.
Thanks.
My friend had come over many times before and had crashed in our spare bedroom many times... no problems at all. I felt somehow, that when she came over, she & my boyfriend hit it off very well.. they had very similar tastes in things and they had an amazing communication with each other. I never got jealous because he said that he wasn't attracted to her because she was a smoker.
Nevertheless, this night that she came over, she brought over a huge bottle of champagne. He had already had some scotch before I got home and when she got there, we cracked open the champagne. I had half a glass and then fell asleep on the couch because I was exhausted from the day (it was Friday).
I woke up to her rushing out of the apartment at like 3am saying she had forgotten to take her birth control pill or something. My boyfriend & I then went into our bedroom & went to sleep.
Then at 6am, he woke me up and told me he remembered doing something wrong with her. But he couldn't remember what. He had told me stories from before about him drinking & blacking out & not remembering things, but I was concerned. Then, she called me later that day to tell me that the night before she had woken up to him sitting next to her on the bed. Her shirt was pulled up and she said her bra was undone.
I have no idea to this day what happened that night, but it wreaked havoc on our lives. She filed a police report against him for assault. They went to court and the whole process took months until the case was dropped and he got a plea bargain and now is attending AA meetings.
Things haven't been the same, obviously, since this happened. I moved out shortly afterwards and moved in with my friend. Only to have her kick me out for reasons I didn't understand, about a month later.
I'm confused and don't know what to do. These days I can't get myself to feel anything for him and most of the time I just feel numb.
Please, anyone, let me know your thoughts. I could really use some advice on what to do.
Thanks.

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Hon, you don't have to stay with him. If you have no feeling for him, whatever the reason, it is perfectly all right to move on with your life while he repairs his. We often feel that if something happens to rupture the relationship, we are required to stay until the problem is solved before making a decision about our own life. Not so. Your first responsibility is to yourself.
This has been dragging on for months, now, during which you have moved several times (I have no idea why your friend threw you out, but can't help wondering if her attorney might have told her that she shouldn't be letting her assailant's girlfriend live with her), worried with your boy friend until he got the plea bargain, lost a friendship, and continued working in a very demanding profession--you are emotionally exhausted. Please be good to yourself and move away from the source of your stress so you can heal.
Your advice means a lot. Sometimes you just need someone who is unbiased to give a little input.
So thank you.
: )
Ah, Munitiongirl, how confusing, hurtful and damaging. This pretty much blew up life as you knew it at that time, didn't it? I'm so sorry for what you've gone through and what you're going through. I absolutely agree with Geo, if you don't have feelings for your boyfriend, you shouldn't be there. The same goes if you're not really sure how you feel, what you want or what you should be doing. Moving back in with him will only complicate things, make it harder to figure out what you want, and will most likely make you feel much guilt if you should decide down the road that leaving is the right thing for you (after all, he is sorry, know what I mean?)
I don't know why your friend kicked you out either, I suspect it was a mixture of uncomfortableness and guilt. From what you described, it sounds like she was a willing partner in whatever transpired between her and your boyfriend. It would be hard to look someone in the face day after day knowing what you'd done, drunk or not.
There are some situations that are just more than most relationships can withstand and this may be one. This really threw you for a loop because not only did it involve your boyfriend, but your friend. Throwing court action in there really complicates it. I would think on a usual basis, you'd feel strongly for one side or the other in a court case, here you were most likely very divided, split, didn't know what to think about which side. No matter who "wins" someone that you care about loses. You have to have a lot of questions too. Did your boyfriend really not remember? It doesn't sound like your friend was forced to be in the situation she was. You probably feel like knowing for sure what really happened and how the whole scene went down would be really good, but in reality, I doubt it would be much help at all. You'd still be divided, confused and hurt that either of these two people whom you cared about could do this -- and could do this to you. You've got some heavy issues you're dealing with, have you seen a therapist to help yourself deal with all this? It really is a tremendous load.
Whether you have feelings for your boyfriend still or not, I do think living away from him is the right thing. You need time to straighten this out in your own head, you need time to decide how you feel about all this, time to find resolution with your own feelings about it and living with him will only make that hard/impossible to get to.
I will say that if your boyfriend had experienced blackouts in the past, AA is a good thing for him. Blackouts are a big indicator of alcoholism. Is he taking AA serious or going through the motions to satisfy the court order? I also think that if you do choose to continue your relationship with your boyfriend, some intense couples counseling with a counselor or therapist licensed in a field of couples therapy is something you should complete before moving in together again. The two of you will have some things to iron out that need to be done with a professional counselor
Keep us posted on how you're doing, how you're feeling and what's going on. We're here.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Understanding the Opposite Sex
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I'd say you had a pretty nasty friend and your better off without her.
Let's review the facts. She comes to your home because she can't get along with her own BF. She's comes bringing alcohol; not a very mature thing to do. She and your BF get smashed while you're asleep and then she claims he assaulted her? She runs out the door saying "I forgot to take my birth control pill"? This isn't the response I'd expect from someone who'd just been sexually assaulted.
Wanna know my take on this? I think she got drunk and seduced your BF. He was drunk too, so it was probably pretty easy to do. Then to save face she claims your BF assaulted her. That's bull. I'm glad the case was dismissed. It should have been.
Sorry, but this girl sounds like a troublemaker and you will be far better off without her. I think you and your BF will get along and have a chance to rebuild your relationship if you keep alcohol out of the picture and stay away from people who don't have your best interest at heart.
Once again, I can't thank you enough for your very insightful advice. Naturally, I've heard similar things from my famiy and other friends who I have spoken to about this (I made sure my family knew everything that was going on so I had some kind of support network). But hearing it from a third party really helps for some reason. You have no reason to be biased one way or another, you just have the facts and deal with them as they are presented. It's hard also for my friends & family to keep listening to this because no matter what, it gets difficult for everyone because it is such an emotional strain. Plus, your reaction confirms to me that I'm not being selfish and that this really was as bad as I think it was.
I have not gone to see anyone but am scheduling an appointment with a therapist this week. After all this happened, I shoved most of my emotions under the carpet because I felt bad for unloading them on everyone I loved. It's a technique that is famous in my family... to protect people you love, you shove your emotions away in a sense to keep everyone else from feeling hurt. When something happens to one of us, it happens to all of us.
Anyhow, after all this happened, my friend was there for me. She was very supportive and very hurt as well. We cried thousands of times over it... I felt that we were close and then she had just had enough apparently. After she decided to kick me out, I really laid into her because I had forced myself to deal with the situation with her feelings first and foremost. After all, she was making herself into the only victim. She said she was violated and felt betrayed, but I felt that for me, it was double the pain and exhaustion because 1. I had lost my boyfriend who I loved deeply and thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with and 2. I had lost my best friend who I had grown to love and respect. I had also grown very close to her family and then they were gone out of my life in a blink of an eye as well. It was extremely tragic to me.
I have not dealt with any of these emotions on my own, and it's a detriment. I shoved everything away. Put all of my efforts into running my first marathon (which I did this past June) and thought that it would erase everything. But as we all know, when you shove things out of your mind, they fester and ferment and only get embedded in your emotional framework and then you're infected with it like it's a cancer.
Anyhow, I thank you, again, for your advice. It means so much to me. I'm so glad I found this community to share this awful experience with. I just want to be happy again and as painful as it might be to achieve that by leaving my boyfriend for now, it might be what I need in my life to change it and to make things better.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Love,
-Munitiongirl
After all this happened, yes, my boyfriend started going to AA meetings, but no, he does not take them seriously. He goes to fill the quota that was required by the plea bargain. Most of the time he makes fun of the people who are there.
He still drinks, as do I, but I keep my drinking to a pure minimum, maybe once or twice a week and a glass of wine if anything...
Alcohol has always been a big part of his life. When he was living in Seattle, he coined the nickname "Scotchy" because he was known for getting sloppy when he would go out with friends and inevitably, he would have to be loaded into a cab and taken home.
He has told me of several times where he does not remember whole nights, or driving home. Apparently he smashed up his old car because he was drunk driving home one night and only woke in the morning to discover that his car was completely messed up.
Anyhow, I've asked him repeatedly to narrow his drinking down, but he has made it part of his personality. Not only is it unnattractive to me, but it is NOT healthy. and as an active person, I don't want to be influenced by his lifestyle either.
We have been having arguments of late as well and we just haven't been getting along. I enjoy being spontaneous and going places and doing things on a whim. He's not like that. Which takes away from my enjoyment of life the way I want to live it.
Anyhow, I guess that's all for now.
Thank you all for your input.
-Munitiongirl
I hope that this post is an indication that you are preparing to break up with him. "Narrowing" his drinking isn't going to work...he needs to stop. And the fact that he would rather LIE to the court than stop is just confirmation of the fact that he is an alcoholic.
You might consider attending some Al-anon meetings to help you cope until you're able to get the strength to leave.
Sheri
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