Just not sure of his explanation

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2005
Just not sure of his explanation
5
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 1:51am
Hi, I'm a first-timer here..... here goes.....
My husband and I have been married 8 years. This past January we started slipping into that avoidance rut, where I do my thing and he does his thing and we only discuss the surface issues, and sidestep connecting on an emotional level. Our schedules had shifted into complete opposition where I was up early and going to bed early and he was getting up late and going to bed late.
In April he came home late one night after work, which got my attention so I started keeping track writing in my journal. About 6 weeks later I asked him if someone else had his attention/interest (because by then my gut-feeling was screaming that he was cheating or at least contemplating it). He calmly said there was no one else and never has been anyone else.
I thought he was lying because there were so many red flags, so I began looking through our detailed cell phone bills online and was very surprised at the number of phone calls he was making everyday after he left the house. I compared the phone numbers on the phone bills to the stored numbers in the phonebook on his cell phone! Most of the numbers “checked out”, but this triggered more questions than it answered (long story). There were still many numbers that I couldn’t verify (no 411). And I had no idea he called his friends so much, and the few times I heard him on his phone with a friend (when a friend had called, cause my husband never called anyone in front of me) he joked and laughed a lot….. which wasn’t something we (myself and my children) heard much of.
I approached him again at this point and we went through the phone bills together (not line by line like I would’ve wanted to, but at the time it seemed sufficient). And I could tell that he felt he had done me a great favor in taking the time to look this over with me and that I should have been thankful for his kind consideration and should have deemed it a closed issue. Any time after that if I stated a need to discuss even the slightest detail he became angry and difficult which would result in an argument and my feeling alienated and abandoned.
The kick-in-the-gut for me was what I didn’t know. I didn’t know that every morning that he rolled out of bed saying he needed to run some errands he was calling his friends while he was gone. Or that everyday on his way to work he was calling his friends. And I didn’t know that he was calling his friends throughout his day at work because he’d told me it was best that he not be on his phone at work. This felt like a big, fat secret!!! Like lying by omission!! Sure he’s only calling his friends, but why did he leave the house to call them??? I absolutely DO NOT have a problem with him calling his friends, but to never call them from home ….. to only call them when he’s away from me makes me suspicious.
I have been reading the iVillage boards for almost 2 months. It has been helpful, but I am feeling betrayed and I can’t work on healing this the way that a person would when there’s confirmed infidelity. My husband doesn’t feel he’s done anything wrong or that he should have to discuss this any further, which upsets me more because I feel that he created this problem by withholding information from me. I feel deceived, insecure and insignificant. I feel that if he has such a desire to talk to his friends so much…….. maybe he wants out. And instead of respecting my feelings and my needs, he expects me to see it his way and let it go. I believe that if he doesn’t understand this from my point of view (not that he has to agree with me) that we will run into something like this again. I have wondered if his angry approach towards my need to discuss this is that he’s nervous I’m getting too close to figuring something out or……. If he’s fed up because he really didn’t do anything wrong!!!
Any thoughts???????
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 1:25pm

Hi!

Wow. I have thoughts but I'm not sure which are right and which are way off base. I can understand where you feel betrayed. I have a problem with my DH (we've been married almost 9 years) when I go out of town with the kids and he doesn't tell me what he's up to while I'm gone. I don't think he's cheated though, cause I eventually get told what he was up to and it's verifiable (plus that is the one thing I don't think he'd ever do, for a long explained reason). Turns out he avoids telling me cause he just doesn't want to hear about (real or imagined) my reaction. If I think he should have been doing something else, etc. Like when I went away once and he agreed to seal the deck then would go and watch movies with friends and then tell me he didn't have time to seal the deck.

ANYWAY, part of it MAY be that he just doesn't want to deal with your reaction and he THINKS you might get angry and upset, etc if you know. That doesn't mean it's all your problem and that he can keep doing whatever. He needs to be honest with you. And not hide things from you. Have you thought of seeing a counselor?

On the flip side, it could be that there is something going on that he really doesn't want you to know about. It does sound like you have a major disconnect going on and that is not good. Two different schedules, two separate lives. It's one thing to have independent interests, etc., it's another to not ever intersect. It sounds like you two could really use a trip away to reconnect. And that an ongoing effort needs to be made to stay that way.

So, I can't tell you IF I really think he's cheating or not. Because I could see it being either way. And I would say (unless there is something bigger you haven't mentioned) that for now you need to assume he's not (but remain aware of what's going on) and work on reconnecting.

Good luck.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 2:12am


Welcome to the board, Shanerry ~ sorry I didn't get here sooner, your post slipped by my radar!

Like Jen, I can't tell you if he's cheating or not either. I think in what you posted there are more things that suggest other than an affair than things that do. And, as you've already pinpointed, his anger could easily be due to feeling offended and angry at being accused or suspected of cheating. I can tell you, there's nothing like being accused of something you're not doing and would never do to make you feel very, very offended.


What I do hear you say is that the two of you are growing further and further apart. Your world is very different than his and there is little to no place that they come together anymore. Whether he's to blame for backing himself out of the door or not, it doesn't sound like he's much of a part of your household.


I also think even if you had positive proof of cheating you wouldn't be able to work on healing. How could you heal when there's denial/lack of acknowledgement from him?


I think it's pretty clear there are some things that are very wrong in your relationship and it doesn't sound like it's improving. I think you'd get farther with him if you address what's wrong rather than to accuse him of possibilities. You could easily voice your concerns over his lack of involvement with you and with your marriage. You can cite his leaving for phone calls, his unhappiness, and probably a lot more. Telling him you're concerned about your marriage and that you feel some drastic changes are needed to stop this deep downward slide you're in would be good. If he objects to that, you know you're in trouble.


I think focusing on trying to determine whether there's enough proof to nail him for an affair isn't addressing the problem that should be addressed. By addressing the problems that are certainly present you will either resolve your issues or flush out the problem because he won't be able to continue his same patterns if he's working on being more involved in all aspects of your life. If he comes up with more excuses to not do what he needs to do, they'll be obvious excuses and will point to a problem. Maybe it's cheating, maybe he just doesn't want to be a part of your marriage any more, or maybe it's something in between, I don't know, but whatever it is, by closing off a means of his actions you'll be forcing the real issue to emerge sooner. Does that make sense? Insist on marriage counseling, insist on sitting down and agreeing on a plan to get back on the same page/life. Time to be together alone (like out on dates) is important. Agree to spend evening time together if that's possible.


I will say this too -- you are in this situation, I am not. You're saying your gut is screaming that there's something going on. I wonder if your gut is reacting to cheating or if it's reacting to the very real trouble your relationship is in. I'm not going to tell you your gut is wrong. I am a big believer in gut. It may be that you aren't able to consider working on your marriage thinking he's fooling around. I could understand that. You could feel like a total fool working on your marriage only to find he's been working on an affair. But if you're looking for absolute proof, you don't have it. He's not confessing either. I don't think a million people telling you he's not having an affair will soothe you if you feel he is, but I also don't think you have enough to accuse him. You do, however, have more than enough to seriously talk about the serious condition of your marriage.


There are a couple of communication articles in our Information and Resources section that might be helpful to you in talking to him about your relationship:


Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting

I hope this all works out well for you, good luck -- and keep us posted!





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2005
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 10:18pm
Thank you for your response, you both made helpful suggestions. I appreciate obtaining other points of view. I was stuck, my thoughts were stuck and I couldn’t get past the negativity.
I do feel that exploring the possibilities that he might be cheating right when I had the gut-feeling was crucial because of how much it would stink if I’d gone into it in “fix it” mode and he actually was cheating, then there would have been an even bigger emotional setback. I certainly wasn’t trying to prove he was cheating, I feel that it was more like sorting through the many red flags (because there many red flags!!). There were things that pointed in the direction of infidelity and I needed other opinions because I just couldn’t put my finger on what was real anymore. My husband’s unwillingness to discuss this as thoroughly as I needed to made me feel unimportant. On top of that he was gone for 3 ½ weeks (he got back Aug. 2nd). And already we have revamped our relationship (can’t say we’re totally out of the woods yet…..). My fingers are crossed, but my heart is still very cautious. In time if we are back on track and there aren’t any more red flags….. then I will relax.
I am uncomfortable with the concept of just picking up where we left off…. But I’m trying. I do like the changes we are making…… i.e. “date night”, something we have never had on a regular basis. So, there’s hope!!
I look forward to further correspondence here…… thank you, Shanerry
P.S. 2nd Life, you have a true gift!! Thank you for the sites you referred me to, very helpful!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2005
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 11:10pm
2nd life, H and are going to a marriage renewal workshop this weekend..... kind of nervous, kind of excited!
I keep trying to re-engage here, but have yet to find a place where the time and the privacy overlap enough to complete a sentence!!
Quick response to my other posted question here, yes my H and I have been in MC off-and-on since late 2002. We had been out of MC for over 6 months when I started back this past June!
Things are steady on the surface, but continue to be on the verge of eruption below that surface.... don't think H would claim the same view though. It could go either way (work out or divorce). I got a bunch of marriage rebuilding and understanding infidelity type books..... so we'll see. I'd like to say my fingers are crossed, but that seems overly hopeful.
Thank you, I'll be back....... :-) S
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 3:48am

Thanks for the update -- I hope this weekend is everything you hope it will be! Totally understanding being excited and nervous too! I think the fact that he was agreeable to going (assuming he was) is a good sign, don't you?


Let us know how it went if/when you can!





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"