Thinking of someone else...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2005
Thinking of someone else...
6
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 4:04pm
Just needed to get this out in the open and I can't talk to anyone else about it. I've been thinking about another man for the past few days and it's driving me crazy. I'm married and have never felt unhappy in my marriage until lately. My husband doesn't want to try to have another baby and I'm frustrated about that and I'm frustrated that he's never home. This man I've been obsessing about is someone we are actually friends with, which makes the whole thing even worse. I have never cheated on my husband and I have absolutely no intention of doing so, I just need to know that it's okay to have a "crush" on someone other than my husband. Is it okay?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 7:11pm

  • Does this man know you feel this way about him?

  • Has he done anything to encourage him?

In answer to your question, this is not okay. When you are emotionally engaged to the point that it is disrupting the flow at home, there is a problem.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 10:51pm

Hi Cappie, welcome to the board ~


I think it's perfectly normal to have a crush on someone other than your husband from time to time, after all, you're married, not dead! I think it happens to all of us once in a while, and it's not that fact that it happens that's an issue, it's what you do with it. Keeping your perspective, keeping your hands off, keeping your distance and keeping your mouth shut is important. A couple of things to remember when you're thinking about how great this guy seems is that he's got an unfair advantage. For one thing, right now you're upset with and disappointed in your husband, he's not looking so good. Beyond that this guy has an advantage because you don't see all the annoying habits, the mindsets and other things that would drive you crazy and really disappoint you about this guy. It's easy to see a guy in a more perfect light when you don't live with him. The truth is, as a friend of mine says, he belches, scratches himself and everything else, just like your husband does. The thing is, you don't see that side of him. The grass is always greener on the other side, but if you were over on that other side, you'd find out it wasn't quite as great as you'd expected it to be.


The last time I had a crush, it was a mutual friend of mine and my husband's. He would occasionally stop by to visit when my husband wasn't home. Not a problem, but I was uncomfortable because I had that huge crush on him. I made certain I kept a physical barrier between us -- like the kitchen counter. He'd sit at the breakfast nook and I'd stand on the other side while we talked. It isn't that I had to have something to stop me from jumping him (lol), but it made me feel better to have a physical boundary between us. I also kept myself well aware that as great as he looked, he wasn't as great as he seemed. Others I've known have made sure they're never alone with the object of their crush. Whatever it takes to keep your boundaries clear and your temptations at a minimum. No worries about having a crush, Cappie!


I would absolutely, however, let your husband know that you're frustrated that he's never home, miss him, miss your relationship and want to work on getting things back to where they should be. I wouldn't tell him about the crush though, it's not big deal, it'll pass, but if you tell him it'll feel like a big deal to him and it'll open up a can of worms that doesn't need to be opened.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 11:01am

Thank you so much, cl-2nd! I really needed to hear someone else's opinion on the matter, as well as some perspective. I totally agree with everything you said and I SO appreciate it. We're just going through a rough patch and I know everything will be fine--it always is!

Again, thank you for responding. You made my day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 11:06am
Di, I also appreciate your opinion but let me just answer your questions: no, he has no clue how I feel and no, he has not encouraged me in anyway. He's married as well and, as far as he knows, I'm just the wife of his friend. It's SO not a big deal. I've been really wrapped up in the idea of wanting another baby and after realizing that my husband was not on the same page, I just let myself start thinking about something/someone else. I never see this guy and I will never act on it, in any way, shape or form. Thanks again for responding.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 11:40am
I think there is a big difference between liking/fantasizing about someone and feeling overwhelmed with desire for them to the point you really feel you are holding yourself back from starting something and might not win the battle. The first is normal and healthy, the second is dangerous and will lead to nothing good. Since you know the real issue is your dh not wanting another baby, then focus on that, how to be okay with that or dicussing it further with your dh. If you feel the struggle is becoming harder and you feel tempted, get yourself into counseling before you 'let' anything happen or just give up on your marriage and get divorced first. If you can handle it and you know it's a passing thing and it *does* pass, then it's not a big deal IMHO.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 4:25pm

I know this part was your question, but I thought I'd chime in here anyway. If you don't mind.

I know from my DH's standpoint, that he's done with us having kids. He feels overwhelmed with the thought of supporting the ones we have. This has bugged me some cause I love kids and I love mine and I'm just now at my bare minimum. But then again, I'm currently pg (and this one is factored into our #s and thought processes). So I've got time to wait and see if he changes his mind or if I change mine. (Which may happen if I keep feeling like this...)

I don't know how many kids you have, or what their ages are. I don't even know WHY your DH is done.... Time scarce, worried about $$$, happy with the current #... But if he REALLY is done then the last thing you want to do is force another baby on him that he may resent. Give him some time, find out WHY he's done, and go from there. And you can tell him it's important to you and maybe he will agree to revisit the idea in 6 months or so. (Then drop the issue for the full 6 months!)

Good luck!

Jen