Does the past ever go away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Does the past ever go away?
4
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 11:11am
I have lived with my DH for 4 years and we recently got married on our 5th anniversary. We have both been married before - myself 12 years and 3 children. DH has only been married one time, less than a year 1 child. Hes never been in a realtionship longer than a year. I have been trying to build a relationship with this man as US. doing things together and trying to make it fun.
His past is nothing but broken relationships - bars and strip bars. EVERYTIME we get a chance to go out with friends, the conversation of his bar excursions and stip clubs comes up. It makes me feel like our relationship is so boring that thats all hes got to talk about. Everybody talks about stuff they do together and all he can come up with is his past! I get so upset and usually the night ends in an argument. I didnt live a boring life, but my past was 12 years of excitment too. but i dont feel bringing up the past and thngs ive done is something you should do when trying to build something with the one you have now.
Am I wrong to get upset like this? What do you say in a conversation when this comes up. I hear the same story time and time again. I dont even want to go out anymore.
Sombody give me some insite.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 11:57am

Hi Rthskdmine ~


I don't think you're out of line to get upset and/or frustrated by this, I would think it would make you feel that what the two of you do together and have together isn't important enough to remember, let alone mention.


But, what we think doesn't really do much for your problem, it's what he thinks that's important to know in trying to make changes here. I know you two fight about this, but what I don't know is how you convey your feelings on the subject. What do you say when you talk about his topics? What is his position on his topics of conversation are, what does he think? What's his feeling? What kind of reaction he gets from the people you're talking to? Were these the only topics of conversation before you two got married too, or did he change after your marriage? You said you're tired of hearing the same story, is it just one incident he keeps bringing up or is it that you've heard his whole repertoire over and over?


Thanks for your answers, knowing the answers will help know how to best approach things so this will resolve!





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 12:18pm
I have spokent to him about this and he thinks im making a big deal about it. I dont say anything in front of others when it does come up, i think that is rude. Its the same stories as before we got married. However, the subject comes up like out of the blue. I myself feel its for attention and its the only thing he can come up with. It starts when were out and some comment will come up - ex. we were out with friends this weekend and there was a large women on the dance floor dancing, and the subject come up he went to a fat chick strip bar one time etc...etc! god forbid we even PASS a strip bar the subject comes up. Or, everything that is a discussion with friends around he has been at a bar and was drunk and one time this happened and one time this happened. on and on. It just seems that when we get out with friends, somehow the same old discussions come up. I guess this was the only excitment he had in his past. I had excitment in my past too, but you dont here me say well, one time me and my HUSBAND went out and guess what we did! When that happens, its, you always talk about him! I had a past too but most of my subjects will be with my ex - thats all i have. there were good times there.
I dont want to control what he says when we go out, but you can bet that these are the subjects that are coming out! I just get tired of the same old stories.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 12:56pm

When you talk to him about it, do you tell him how it makes you feel, that what the two of you have together is unimportant and the only things that are worth mentioning are things in his past? I would think if he knew you were hurt and felt unimportant by his discussion focus he'd be a little understanding and would want to change his subject to more current topics. If his only topic of discussion is strip clubs, I'd put some thought into the perception he's giving others of his past life -- if all they hear about is strip clubs, they're bound to think hanging out in strip joints was his whole life, not exactly a flattering perception!


I don't really know since you didn't give much more information, but it's possible that the way you present yourself when you bring this up that is part of the problem. The focus of your discussion should be how you feel, rather than what he does, such as, "I feel hurt and insignificant when you only bring up strip club stories, I feel our life together isn't important to you", rather than, "You always bring up strip stories and I'm tired of hearing it, isn't our life significant enough for you to talk about?" I statements help the receiver to think in a more empathetic and problem solving way; you statements cause the receiver to feel defensive, and when you're busy defending yourself, you aren't thinking about the other person or the problem, your only thoughts are defending yourself! There are two article in the Information and Resource section that have really good information on conflict resolution:

Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting


I agree with you that the topic keeps coming up either because he's looking for attention or because he's a bit nervous and it's the only thing he can come up with. Have you suggested that you could help him out by helping lead him into different subjects when you're with friends? You made good points about everyone having a past and that you don't talk about your past life. Sometimes it's very helpful in getting guys to recognize how it feels from our point of view by asking about that. My personal experience is that in order to really get them to see how it would feel is to go through the scene step by step. In other words, instead of saying, "How would you feel if I constantly talked about what I did with my ex?" (which won't work) saying, "Imagine that we're out with friends and I say, "oh, when James and I were together we ......(whatever story you can come up with). If those are the only things I talked about all the time we were out with others, would that be okay with you? Would you like that? How would that make you feel?" If you paint the scene for them, it seems like they visualize it a lot better and understand how you're feeling. Have you tried saying something like, "Yesterday, Tom and I ......(whatever the two of you recently did), Tom, you're much better at telling these things than me, why don't you tell them about it?"


Is this how his conversation has gone for the five years you've been together, is this a new change, or is it something that's gradually getting worse?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 12:02am

Rthskdsmine? I think you accidentally put your answer under Plushq2005's post: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&msg=8888.25


If that's the case, I'd suggest you copy what you wrote there and paste in to a new response under your post, then click "edit" (on the upper right hand side of your post) and delete what you wrote under Plush's post. Maybe a note saying "oops" or something to replace what you deleted would be good to let people know your post was in error.


Maybe I'm wrong, and if I am, I apologize, but it seems like you're answering your post, but doing it from the wrong place. I've done the same thing, reading one post, clicking "reply" without realizing I'm not on the post I think I'm on!


If this is confusing and you need help, please let me know, I'll be happy to help you.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"