Said he did, then changed his story

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Said he did, then changed his story
6
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 4:22pm

I am new to this board. I have this issue that I have to share with someone.

It started about 3wks ago, my dh held a bachelor party for his cousin at our house. I went out for the night. We have been married for over 13yrs. Nothing like this ever happened....he is not the type of man to cheat on his wife. At the party things happened and my husband later told me, he had sex with one of the strippers. He discribed what he did and how he did it in the bathroom. I was so shocked...I did not say anything then.
Later, that night I said to him, how can you throw everything away for sex with someone you met for 1hr. I was so sad, I felt hollow and empty. I was angry but it was more internal...I didnot fight with him. The next day...I was quite and didnot speak with him. I stayed away. That night he said he was sorry and he made it all up. That nothing happened. He just made it up and didnot think how it would affect me. He had often had these fantasies about being with other women.i.e. the threesomes. He said he told this to me to turn me on. Well, it didn't. Something tells me that it happened....I never had a reason to question him. I had trusted him with all of my being. I have this feeling that he is lying. The feelings would not go away. What do you all think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 8:38pm

I think your DH is/was lacking in some mental capacity there....

First, he tells you he cheated with a stripper. Then he tells you he made it all up and only told you cause of his fanatasies and to turn you on...

I can understand why you don't believe him. I wouldn't buy his retraction at all either. That isn't something you "just make up without thinking about it".

So, if what you want to know is, are you making too much out of this? Nope, not by my standards.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 9:49pm
Well, it seems pretty obvious that it did happen. He probably told you initially because he felt guilty and then thought it over and is now afraid of losing you so has tried to change his story. That is ridiculous though that he says he told you to "turn you on". He would have to be really dumb to think that would turn you on.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I don't trust my husband 100% but I have never had something really happen that I had to confront and think about. It would really hurt as it sounds like you are finding out.
I'm sorry but if you believe him now that he didn't do it you would be very gullible. No man in his right mind would lie about cheating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 2:39am

Hi Annie, welcome to the board. I'm so sorry you're going through this, how awful it has to be to deal with it.


Much as I'd like to disagree, I have to agree with the responses you already got. Obviously, none of us can know for absolute certain, but I can't imagine anyone making a joke out of something like this. It seems to me that he certainly saw that you were upset by his admission and further saw that you were deeply upset by it for two days. If it were a joke, wouldn't he have told you he was kidding immediately when he saw you took it seriously? Would he have watched you be upset for two days before telling you it was all a joke? I don't think so. It's much more likely that he came up with the joke story after seeing how deeply affected you were by his admission and hoped you'd believe his attempt to get out of it. You know him Annie, is this the way he usually operates? Would this be his idea of a joke? Does he think it's funny to say things that deeply hurt and disturb people, and let them continue to hurt for days before letting them in on his "joke"? My assumption is that it's not his personality, or you wouldn't have posted here wondering what to think.


I'm a big believer in listening to your gut, too, it doesn't lie. Over the years I've also learned to look at things that produce question marks in my head (like this is for you) not as a question mark, but as a the red flag that it is. It presents as a question mark because it doesn't make sense to you. You generally have good sense and when things are explained that make sense they're easily accepted and dismissed. The question marks stay because they don't make sense - and they don't make sense not because you don't get it, but because they aren't reasonable -- they
don't make sense. In this case, his joke story doesn't make sense, it's a red flag because it's not plausible. If it made sense, if it was typical of his joking behavior it wouldn't raise this kind of red flag with you, would it?


What do you intend to do now, Annie? Any thoughts, or are you still numb and reeling? How can we help?





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"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 10:28am

Thanks you. I am still in that pretty confused state. I don't trust him now and I am looking at him with new eyes. He is a very good husband. I always thought that he would be one of those guys that would never cheat. Now I am not so sure. I feel as if some part of me died. And our beautiful marriage has ended in some way. I still love him...I feel stupid. I did not speak to him about it because he now gets mad when I approach the subject. But I am going with my gut feelings that something did happen. One of these days it will get out. Until then, I have to deal with my new found insecurities. I know he can tell that I am still upset and he is trying to take care of me. I am taking things slowly and trying to care for my kids. Thing is, once trust is broken, its really hard to put it back together.

I am coping. Thanks for listening to me.
annie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 11:20am

Annie, I think it's really important that you do more than struggle with this on your own. I think doing so will increase the chances of this becoming an deeply imbedded issue that stays with you for a very long time.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 12:23pm

Something happened... while it might not have been sex, something inappropriate happened. Why he would lie using a bomb like infidelity in your own home and then retract it is plain old stupid to me.

You may never get to the bottom of it unless you ferret out everyone who was in your home that night, including the strippers who were there to entertain. And even then, they may not give you the truth about what happened.

You need to talk to a professional about this. Your husband bombed your home, bombed your security, bombed your marriage, bombed the foundation of your life and the aftermath of that is too overwhelming to dismiss or not reach out for some therapy to resolve.