unhappy marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
unhappy marriage
4
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 9:41pm
Well, it isn't 100% unhappy . . .is anything? We have our good days. But we have a lot of bad days. I'd love some advice from outsiders -- looking for solutions. My husband is what I would call a negative person - his glass is always half empty -- and the grass is never green on our side of the fence. Problem is that he is very critical of me. He is always giving me "constructive criticism". . .like I shouldn't wear a hat because it makes me look like a rat. Or I'm fat, I have no butt, my hair looks like a rats nest, I have "moderate to severe frown lines" on my forhead. In addition to the daily commentary on all of my flaws he is constantly telling me about all the hot women out there. I would like to say I ignore all of it but deep down and sometimes not so deep it really hurts. I always feel like I am just not good enough for him. Part of me knows that this is all a result of his own insecurities and putting me down makes him feel better about himself but it still hurts. Everyone has flaws and some of the things he says are true but hearing it constantly is just plain hurtful. He is also not affectionate - he has even ran away from me if I tried to hug him. He doesn't say "I love you" even though he used to - way back before our kids were born. (We have been together for 7 years and married for 5 we have two kids ages 4 and 1) He rarely compliments me.
When we argue it is his way or no way. He is never sorry, he is never wrong. He will stay mad and give me a cold shoulder for 24 hours or more.
I do love him. If he acted this way while we were dating I would have broken up with him. We have kids and I don't believe in divorce except in extreme circumstances. I don't want people to tell me to leave him.
I just want to know how to be happy. I know I can't change him - believe me I've tried. I just want to know how to not let him and his negativity affect me and how I feel about myself. It already has. I had much higher self-esteem before this.
Does anyone have experience with this?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 12:38am

Yes, I do, but I ended those relationships. I think counseling for yourself is a necessity, especially if he won't go to couples counseling, to figure out if there IS a way to be ok with his belittling you. I honestly don't know how one would do that but counseling is your best shot at figuring something out that will work for you.

Best of luck to you...I do hope you find some respite, as I've been in that pain and it's awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 4:04am

I agree with Northwestwanderer, Helen. As you already know, living put downs does affect how you feel about yourself and living with negativity is draining, to say the least. My ex-sister-in-law's husband is very demeaning to her, she lives with constant put downs and has for years. She's happy when he's out of town. When she first confided in me how her married life was she stated that she figured "that's just how men are" because, since her father had been the same way, she didn't know anything else. At the time I was married to her brother, who was also verbally and emotionally abusive (plenty of put downs and lots of negative thinking -- like you said, the glass was always most definitely half empty). It took a lot of years, but I finally left him.


You may have already gone this route, but have you told him exactly how you feel? Told him what a drastic change you've seen in him over the years and how his comments make you feel? Have you told him about how you feel when he shies away from your hugs and how his positive observations for strangers but only negative for you hurts? Have you told him this is a very serious issue and one that causes you deep pain? Have you told him if he'd been this way before marriage you wouldn't have continued to see him? Have you told him you believe your marriage is in serious trouble and needs serious help? If you've suffered mostly silently, I think it's time to sit him down and let him know just how serious this is.


Helen, not only does this have serious effects for you, it has serious effects for your children too. Your home, your interaction with your husband is your children's view of the way things should be, what the standard or ideal is, it's their classroom and their training ground. They're observing everything and are learning how to be in adult relationships by watching what the two of you do and say. Girls will be taking in that women should expect to be put down and belittled and they should accept it, just like you are. They'll find a guy just like daddy because they've only had your lines, your life to rehearse, they know how to act in that kind of situation, they won't be comfortable in another, it's not what they've learned. Just like my sister-in-law, they'll expect that's just the way men are and will settle for a life just like yours. Boys will grow up believing they should put down women, and if you have a boy, sooner than you think, you'll likely hear your son mimic his dad in how he talks to you. Boys will grow up rehearsing dad's lines and they'll learn how to treat women just like he does, just like my ex did. The effects of your husband's behavior are far-reaching and damage a lot more than just you.


I'd suggest that you take a look at a few links, just to check out the possibility of verbal/emotional abuse:
Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
Power of verbal abusers reality
These come from Domestic Abuse Board’s Homepage ,there's a wealth of information there, and lots more informational articles. It was there, reading the links, even those who didn't seem to be about verbal abuse, that I realized my previous marriage had been verbally and emotionally abusive. I was dumbfounded to say the least. I thought lots of things about the chaos and confusion, but abuse was never in my radar whatsoever. Please also consider checking out the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. There are a great group of women there who have been, or are in abusive situations of all kinds. Consider posting what you posted here on their board for their thoughts or just read and lurk if you're more comfortable. I will tell you that if they don't think your situation is abusive, they'll tell you so. Another website to gauge your relationship health on is here:
Is Your Relationship Healthy?


I think counseling would be great for you too, but I'm concerned about what kind you should get. "Regular" therapy and counseling (individual and couples) is contraindicated in abusive situations, it will make your situation worse and confuse you more. If your situation is verbal/emotional abuse, a therapist or counselor who holds a certificate for abuse is the only one who's appropriate. And if the situation is abuse, couples counseling is not at all appropriate. Erring on the side of an abuse counselor would be the best, s/he will be able to tell you whether your situation merits their guidance or not. The Domestic Abuse board will be able to offer their take on your situation, as would a women's shelter or hotline number -- they're there to answer questions as well as to get immediate assistance, so don't be afraid to call with questions. They can also refer you to abuse counselors, and counseling at no cost to boot.


What's his position to your feelings and observations? Is he concerned and caring that you're being hurt and feel damaged as a result of his words? Does he take responsibility for his actions and his words? Is he willing to work to change himself? Or does he tell you you're ridiculous and exaggerating and refuse to take ownership of his actions? I suppose you could gauge your situation (abuse - non-abuse) by his reaction and his actions from that point on.


Something that really strikes me Helen, is that you call yourself Helenmisery. That's profound. It speaks to the state of your life and your being and Helen, being miserable is not okay. Your life and your happiness is very important, it's not trivial and it's not replaceable. You deserve to be happy, you shouldn't live in misery.






~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 9:48pm
Thank you so much for your response. It was very helpful and what you said about the children is really meaningful. Your response made me cry - it feels good to be heard. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 2:43am

Huge hugs, Helen. I know how badly this hurts and I completely understand the angst over wanting a happy, healthy relationship and having something very different. You shouldn't have to be in such an unwelcomed place, you deserve to live your life as you envision it, happy, peaceful and relaxed. I wish you the kind of life you want, the kind of life you deserve. I hope you make it happen for yourself and your children. I hope you don't allow him to continue to destroy you.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"