A Husband Who Needs Advice/Help
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| Tue, 08-09-2005 - 11:11pm |
Hi Everyone,
I know I'm probably in the minority here but...here goes.
I'm a husband reaching out for advice/support. My wife and have been married for 9 years and we have 2 beautiful little girls(5yrs and 1 yr). We have had the ups and downs of marriage like everyone else. But as the years have gone on we have realized we are completely opposite...we are at different ends of the spectrum and it it causing MAJOR problems for us. We all know marriage is hard work but...
Anyway, my wife is emotionally detached from me. She was never really "warm and fuzzy"...but it has gotten worse over the years. She was raised to be stoic and to hide her feelings or atleast not talk about her feelings. She just never opens up to me.
Anyway, I am much different...I'm very sensitive and passionate..I just open up emotionally(hey I'm Italian..that's my perogative..ha ha). Love letters I write her are read and discarded with a, "That's nice". I have sat and talked to her and cried..the tears just flow and she just walks out of the room. I am starving for affection, understanding, I'm starved for her touch and she won't give me any of it. And I'm not even talking about sex...that's about once every 2months! I'm romantic and try to seduce her and it goes no where. She says she hates foreplay and just wants a "wham bam thank you mame", that's not me.
I could go but I think you all get the idea...oh I did get her to go to a marriage counselor after literally begging her, but as she says about herself,"I'm not going to change, this is the way I am". So much for her trying uh?
So any ideas or advice is kindly welcomed.
Thanks
John

Welcome, John, it's nice to have you here. I think you're currently the only guy on the board, but you're far from the first. In fact, your post reminds me of two men who posted several years ago, Blue_Eyed_Man and Himba. If I get time tomorrow, I'll pull their posts up and post them so you can read over them in case they're relevant.
Question for you....I know you said your wife has never been really "warm and fuzzy" but to what extent has she changed and over what kind of time frame and what do you think the cause is? If her change hasn't been drastic, what attracted you to a person who didn't respond to your emotional side and didn't open herself up to you? What kind of time together do the two of you spend -- alone time, I mean, no kids, just the two of you, out having leisure time together? Did you end up going to a marriage counselor or did you forget it? Marriage counseling isn't necessarily about either of you changing who you are, it's about learning to accept and adapt to each other too. If she agreed to go, I'd absolutely take her up on it and go -- there's lots of improvement you can make without either of you changing.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Clearly, you're in love with a woman who chooses not to emote. The more you emote to her, the more turned off she is to you.
Having said that, when she married you, she swore to God and man that she would love, honor and cherish you.
Cherish:
To treat with affection and tenderness; hold dear. <---she agreed and swore to God that she would do just that. Why is she fine with changing her mind now? Because of her pride. Her pride justifies her telling you "that's the way I am and I'm not going to change". It has no place in the marriage.
To cherish means that you would never intentionally do anything that would cause your spouse emotional distress. She is breaking her marriage vows just as surely as if she was having an affair on you. Now, if she's fine with emotionally walking away from her obligation and duty to the marriage, then perhaps it's time for you to look this in its face and determine if you are ok with burying your emotions and your needs for the rest of your life, because that's pretty much what she's telling you.
She's telling you your needs don't matter to her; she's telling you that she couldn't care less if she ever met any of your emotional needs--she's telling you your marriage vows don't mean squat to her, just as long as you underwrite her lifestyle. You two might as well be roommates.
Personally, I wouldn't allow her to get away with it--she'd have to choose to either be my wife or be my ex.
Edited 8/10/2005 12:56 pm ET ET by quenek