read more into this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2005
read more into this?
10
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 8:57am

Hello

My husband and I have had discussions about this before. He isn't a big fan of showering. It is been to the point where his has gone as long as three weeks but still wants sexually activity. He likes it when i dress up for him etc. However it seems likes if it comes down to what i would like he can't even wash himself for me. We have had about three different discussions about this in the last six months. He said it is just laziness and that it has nothing to do with how he feels about me. I was starting to get a feeling that he felt i should do all the things that turn him on but he can't even drum up the energy to wash himself for me nevermind romance etc. He was doing well for awhile but now i notice that his attention has dropped off (except when he is horny) and we are back to the NOT washing regularly......is the really a sign that he really can't be bothered anymore?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 11:21am

Welcome back, Deanna20052005 ~ I'm at work and need to get some actual work done, so I'm not able to read or respond to your post, but I peeked in and of course recognized your name. I wanted to provide the link to your previous post so that others have the benefit of better understanding and insight of your relationship and, as a result are better able to give you informed thoughts and opinions.


how much more proof do i need?


key counters on computers


Many posters find it very helpful to re-read their old posts, in doing so they can often recognize growth - or lack of it in their relationship and often see their issues more clearly as they aren't in the middle of the emotion as they were when they posted them originally. I hope they help you, too.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide




Edited 8/16/2005 3:13 pm ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2005
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 2:28pm

thanks scott from a man's perspective...don't you think that within six month (keep in mind we have been married for 18 years) that if a man is caught with an on line/cell phone relationship, lap dances at strip bars, being on a chat line and tell a lady in the chat room (and she was actually me..that is how i caught all of this....and i am not a snooper..i just go wise this time) that he was no longer attracted to his wife that this could just be the icing on the cake....especially after this was an issue only months ago? Your honest opinion....i am exhausted...everytime i turn a corner i get side lined..and it is not because i have low self esteem etc....i have two teenage kids that i have been trying to put an effort into the marrige for but enough is enough..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 3:32pm
ewwwww...not showering for 3 weeks at a time? I don't blame you for being upset...especially after you've talked to him about it several times. I would think that it would be a health hazard to be near him...much less have sex with him. I wouldn't go near him sexually until he's proven himself to be a washer...like every day!! Maybe he needs to have a professional tell him how gross that it or something.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 3:59am

Hey Deanna, who's Scott? I have to guess you posted this on more than one board (which is totally fine) and you accidentally posted a reply here that was meant for another board -- it's easy to do.


From the sound of your reply to Scott, it sounds like you're still dealing with your infidelity issues as well, is that right? I hope you'll give us some insight on this ~





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 7:25am

Thanks for your help. I more than understand and I suspect depression as well. I am unsure if the feelings of depression are because he is just in that state or because i have caught him doing all he was doing and now he has no outlet. However the problem is I have dug myself into quiet the hole. Before I discovered what was going on months ago he was in the same state. That is why the showering thing is so criticial. I had asked several times what as wrong....went out of my way to make him feel loved etc but he kept saying nothing and was exhibiting the same traits. Now if I am to bring this up to him i am going to get asked "why are you so supicious"...it is a lose lose situation for me. And trust me i had to work very hard to beat him at his own game last time. It got to the point that the lying was completely out of control. He was telling lies that a 3 year old wouldn't have even believed but i guess i gotta do what i gotta do......

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 2:25pm

I feel like I'm coming in at the middle here, it sounds like there's a whole lot that we're not aware of. Caught him doing all of what? You suspect depression as well as what, or did you think I said I suspected depression? Are you thinking the lack of bathing is tied into the depression? I had understood that this bathing problem had been an issue for quite a while, which would seem to indicate that it's not tied into depression, unless depression was tied into it before as well? This is the first we're hearing about depression problems. Maybe starting at the beginning would help?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2005
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 7:48am

Thanks for your response...yes, i know what you mean. When it went three weeks that was when i found out about online/cell phone relationships with other women. I am just wondering if this is a way to deter me from focusing on him in a sexual manner. We discussed this in depth about 4 months ago and now it is back....how is one to take that?

We talked and discussed what each of us would like sexually...he mentioned a few things and i have bent over backwards to accomodate him. He accomodated me for awhile but now it has dropped off so quickly..that is why i am wondering am i back to square one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 3:42pm

I'm still not understanding this, maybe it's due in part to misconceptions from your previous posts. Let me know okay?


From your last posts my understanding was that you'd caught him behaving inappropriately with women - online, chat, lap dances, etc. You seemed to indicate that he was a "serial cheater", meaning that these kinds of indiscretions (and likely more "traditional" types of infidelity) had been going on for years -- as in most of your marriage. You'd indicated that this has been going on since your teenagers were quite small and that you didn't have the resources to confirm your suspicions, or am I wrong about that? However, in this post, you seem to indicate that this is a one-time thing, and that you think his lack of bathing is due to depression and/or is an attempt to avoid having a sexual relationship with you, and perhaps that this lack of bathing has been a problem before. I guess I'm confused as to what the issues are here.
  • Am I right in thinking cheating is something that's gone on throughout your marriage?
  • When you suggest he's doing "this" to avoid intimacy with you are you talking about bathing, cheating or both?
  • Is this a new behavior or has this kind of thing been going on all along in your marriage?
  • Where/how do you think depression fits into this?
  • You indicated that your marriage has had problems and issues all along, what kinds of things have you been dealing with throughout your marriage?

    I'm really confused, but trying to understand. Can you give me a better picture of what's going on?




  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 04-19-2005
    Wed, 08-17-2005 - 9:43am

    I think that i have just finally confirmed the type of person that i always suspected he was..but when you have small children etc...you don't have the time or energy to check into things. There have been situations where i was pretty sure thing had happened in the last 18 years but i am positive now because i descovered the type of person he really is when i opened this can of worms. As far a bathing...i really can't remember if this has always been an issue but i am concentrating on the last couple of months because i have brought it out into the open....

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Thu, 08-18-2005 - 12:32am

    It sounds like maybe you're just coming to some very serious and sobering realizations about your husband, his character and your marriage. It sounds like you're in the process of realization and trying to get your head around what you're realizing. That's tough time to go through. Been there.


    Venting what you're thinking, realizing your fears, anger and sorrows can be very helpful. Feel free to use this board to put it all down. The feedback can be very helpful too. I'm sorry for what you're going through Deanna.





    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"