wow...I am speechless
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wow...I am speechless
| Wed, 08-10-2005 - 11:56am |
I started dating a guy about one month ago. We hit if off immmediately and pretty much saw eachother every day from the first date. We discussed our past and our current lives, and that is when I found out he had two kids..(and he said that was IT) but at first he had said he only had one. He went on to say that there are stuff in his past he regrets but will tell me when the time was right. I know he was married really young and divorced, and the next relationship he was in for 7 years produced his two kids. I don't want kids and it was very hard for me to accept that fact but I did! I was willing to try to work it out even with all this "baggage". I have nothing...no kids, no ex husbands...I have a great future, and I have goals. We are both 28. The other day I finally said can you come clean with your past and that is when he told me he got a 26 year old pregant when he was 16 and just found out last year, and that he has a baby with his ex-wife TOO! That makes 4 KIDS!! I am shocked, stunned, speechless. It's ridiculous! He said the first two refuse to deal with him and those children are not a part of his life as much as he would like it. His other two he sees on and off. I really dont think I can handle this. I like him, but its a new relationship and he is very upset over telling me a lie. I hold onto things forever and 4 kids is too much. I just know everything he loves is ripped from him and I don't want to do the same. help

you write: " He went on to say that there are stuff in his past he regrets but will tell me when the time was right."
I'm trying to understand what you're most upset about: having 4 kids or not telling you, who he's known for only a month, some details of his life which he wasn't comfortable sharing with you just yet.
It sounds like you had some high expectations you placed on him way too soon and he isn't the one to carry those expectations for you.
you write: "I hold onto things forever and 4 kids is too much."
Then you need to put this relationship down and find someone who isn't carrying so much baggage from his past. Nothing is going to spin the earth backwards to the night before he impregnated the 26 yr old when he was 16. Nothing legal is going to erase the other 3 children from his past. Either you accept him for who/what he is or you move on. Holding a grudge and punishing him over something that had nothing to do with you is unproductive and a waste of energy.
Edited 8/10/2005 12:15 pm ET ET by quenek
As someone who has a best friend who's married to a man who had 3 kids before he met her I'd advise you to run now while you can. If it's early on he'll get over your rejection, you cannot make that a basis for staying with him, he'll be fine.
My best friend was just out of college when she met her future husband. Before they married but a few years into their relationship, he got physical custody of all 3 kids due to their mother neglecting them, that was totally unexpected and threw a huge monkey wrench in my friend's relationship with him but she stood by him and the kids. Now my friend is the sole bread winner in the marriage and pays for and sacrifices everything for these kids, she has no life for herself and they don't appreciate any of it! It's sad to watch her life slipping past her as she plays "saint" to this man and his brood. He is so obviously using her but there's nothing we (her friends AND family) can say to sway her from him.
I know your situation may not turn out like this, but you have to look at the big, long-term picture, are you willing to possibly have to take care of even one of this man's kids if something happens to their mother in the future? Honestly, could you do it? Is he really worth it?
Just some food for thought.
Ok...so now after a month you know he's a liar and doesn't have a lot of character (to deny his own children!!!).
That's what the dating process is for...to find these things out.
Time to end it and move on. Don't buy into his melodrama of always having "love ripped from him". He's manipulated you by trying to hook you in with the bum's rush early on...don't fall for that.
Sheri
Sounds like this man may owe a LOT of back child support. I base this on the fact that he has no contact with his oldest two, and only sees the youngest ones "off and on." You won't want to be around if the state decides to collect what he owes, and even if he DOES pay regularly, he doesn't seem to be honoring any kind of committment to be a father. From your point of view right now, that means that he has more time and money to spend with you, but in years to come, it may indicate an unwillingness to take seriously any kind of responsibility.
This might be a good time to make a graceful exit.
There is way too much for you to even attempt to address in this man's life.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Did you really think he'd confess to 4 kids right off the bat to someone who "has no baggage," as you put it? Any woman would have run screaming away. It's probably happened to him in the past.
If this is an issue for you, end the relationship immediately. The last thing he needs is someone who cannot or will not except his children. The last thing the children need is a possible stepmother who finds them distasteful right from the gitgo. Children aren't baggage. And yeah, 4 is a pretty fair number of them, but he and they deserve someone who is up to the challenge.
Decide what you want in a man BEFORE you start something. When I was single and childless, I wouldn't have considered dating a man with ANY children. I knew what I was looking for and avoided that which didn't fit the qualifications. If you are opposed to kids at this stage in your life, do not become involved with men who already have them. It saves everyone a lot of time and bad feelings.
Ooooo, BTDT. When I was dating my DH, his 2 kids were with their mother. Shortly before he and I made plans to live together she began neglecting them and they moved in with their dad, then with me.
Not a pleasant time at all. These were smart-mouthed, inappreciative, inconsiderate teenagers. Finances being what they were at the time, I ended up footing a lot of the bills, and most of the work for these brats. DH and I split up for a while over it. Finally, the kids decided they wanted to go back home to mommy, and DH and I are back together and have a great relationship.
In order to work, a blended family must have cooperation from all the members. If it doesn't it's just emotional rollercoaster than ends up crashing.
Snowbunny, you have gotten nothing but great advice from all that have posted to you. Most everyone said different things, but what each said is right on target.
One month is barely a beginning of a relationship, it's where you find out the most very basic information and decide if what you know to this point merits continued contact. You've just found out some very negative things. You've said you don't want children and this guy will have four children for as long as he's alive. Add to that the fact that he'd like to have contact with the two that aren't in contact, which means it's very, very possible circumstances could change and he'd be a very active part of the lives of four children. He'd welcome that. You have a strong possibility of him becoming the custodial parent of one or all of these children at some point. That's a very big difference between what you want and what he wants, and this is only week four. It's also likely that child support will become a big part of his financial obligations, which would mean a huge chunk of his paycheck would be gone. If you're living together or married that would mean you'd be footing the bills, paying for any and all entertainment and basically your money will go towards something you didn't do and don't want. I don't think you want to spend your time or money that way, I don't know anyone who would.
I know you said you hang onto things for a long time, but these kids are forever, I don't think you're going to "get over" them, they'll be around forever, you know? The fact that he has kids and you don't want them says there's a very huge difference in your fundamental desires for life and those are the kinds of things that are vital to agree on for a relationship to grow and be happy and successful. I hear you say you don't want to bail on him, but I think hanging around will only delay the inevitable. Cutting your losses and moving on is better, easier and cleaner for both of you. The other way is torture and slow death. I think you'd be very valid to tell him that while you may understand his hesitation to be upfront about the number of children he has, lying to you isn't something you can accept or let go. You should also point out that he knew where you stood on children (if he did) and continued to keep the truth from you instead of being honest and allowing you to make a decision based on the facts. Those are very valid reasons for ending a relationship, I wouldn't continue with a guy who wasn't honest with me and who decided what to tell me knowing that my goals and desires were not compatible with his reality. You were duped and that's not acceptable. By hiding the truth from you he had you continue the relationship based on lies, and that's too much controlling and deciding what I should and should not know. I'd say this looks like your cue to exit.
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but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

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