His daughter doesn't like "me"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
His daughter doesn't like "me"
8
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 1:09pm

Hi. I"m new here and hope I have the right board.

I am in a r'ship with my current BF for 10 months. Mostly everyhting has been really good. However, something has come up recently and I think it could be a major problem.

He has told me his daughter, an only child, 23, doesn't like that he has another woman in his life. (By that I mean someone other than her mother.) He cares very much for her and is very close.

I have 2 daughters, 14 & 16, and they have welcomed him into our family.

He's been divorced 2 years and I think I'm the first major r'ship he's had. I am very disappointed that his daughter won't even give me chance. I met her only once for about 20 minutes and I think that is only because my BF forced the issue with her. I was so hoping we could all be friends.

She's engaged and expecting. I know I'm going to be left out of so much in his life because of this. I don't want be outside looking in. I visualize this being issue for years to come. I am already experiencing some conflict.

Sometimes he makes tenetative plans with me based on whether or not he was going to see his daughter. I won't be "on call". I say that I've already made plans with my girls. He understands. Sometimes my BF will iclude his ex in his plans with his daughter because it makes his daughter happy. I have to admit that I don't really like it.

I do love him and we have esatablished that we want our r'ship to develop further.

What can I do? What should I do? On one hand I feel that I should hang back and see what happens. See if she comes around. On the other hand I want to set limits even though I think it wouldn't be appropriate. It's very frustrating and yes, it hurts.

Does anyone have any ideas or advice?

Thanks.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 4:20pm

Hey there,

I have a couple thoughts...the first is that you should also post this on "Making a Second Marriage Work" even though you're not married or even engaged yet. Even if you decide not to post, there have been a TON of posts on that board recently about this exact issue that I think you might find helpful to read through.

Second, CL-2ndlife (the CL for this board) gives GREAT advice, but I just saw a post that she's going out of town, so you may want to bump this post up on Monday or Tuesday when she's back.

And from my own experience with my mother remarrying after my father's death, I can tell you that most likely, she'll come around eventually. However, my mom basically included my stepfather in just about *everything*, so in a way, we had no choice...I would expect a spouse to do the same but not a bf. So, I guess I would leave it for now, but if you ever get to the point of getting engaged, that would definitely be something that would have to change (meaning he would have to include you in family things whether she wanted it or not).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 8:04pm

Hi Sheri!

Geez, you sure do get around!

You know, this r'ship has been way more work than I anticipated. LOL I feel like we just settled that whole "boat" sitaution and now there's a whole new fly in the ointment!

What makes this diificult is that it's not another "woman". That would be easy! But how can you set the same type of limitations where children are concerned?

Anyway, I will definitely check out "Making a Second Marriage Work". I had seen that board listed, and considered it, but wasn't sure it would fit my situation.

Thanks. It's good to "see" you again. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 1:34am

you write: " I met her only once for about 20 minutes and I think that is only because my BF forced the issue with her."

Your BF really messed up doing this. Grown children of divorce are far harsher than young children, mainly because now that they're grown, they feel that they are on par with their parents. They tend to tread into areas which younger children don't have the savvy to navigate.

One thing you will have to realize is that the fact that he hasn't put her in check means he's got a lot of guilt regarding disappointing her by not remaining married to her mother. The fact that she's pregnant could mean that her hormones have got her acting in ways in which she may not normally act. Who knows? But one thing is for sure: for your BF to not check her attitude would tell me that he's not altogether resolved to move ahead with his life and develop more with you. You can't compete with children of a potential mate---he's going to have to develop the spine to be the parent and set boundaries when their children try to interfer or lash out at you for something which you had nothing to do with.

Don't expect much out of her and don't push yourself into her life. If she's going to warm up to you, she will do it in her own time. In the meantime, do like you're already doing: don't be on call for him. When he sees that she's interfering with his 'honey', he'll put the situation in check.

Once she's been through labor and deliver, her attitude might change, cause you know, she ain't hardly expecting or prepared what she's going to have to go through, right? ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 8:02am

Hi and thank you for your response. I totally agree with what you said and have had some of those same thoughts myself.

<>

I'd like to think so, but I'm already doubting it. He didn't see me last weekend as he was spending time with her and it's a repeat performance for this coming weekend.

I just sent him an email at work telling him we need to set up a time to really sit down and talk about it. I'm not going to force him choose, but I think it's "fair" that he should be clear as to how it's affecting me and our r'ship.

I'm sure she's happy as heck that she's kept him from me for 2 weekends in a row!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 9:09am

Hey There...


I want to advise you to take it down a thousand.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 9:28am

<>

Hey, I like that one. Thanks for responding.

I didn't mean to come across so heavy in my post. It is absolutely NOT my intention to ask him to choose (I think she has done that already) and I absolutley am not "expecting" to be a part of *everything*.

I will not deny him the chance to enjoy any event that he shares with his daughter. What I am having issues with is that the amount of time we spend together has subsided significantly since she made her declaration.

I can ssume by your post that when you were experiencing this that you were still spending a fair amount of time with your SO and that it wasn't a week in /week out bassis. I would be totally cool with it if it was only once in a while.

Also, with the graduation, you were at least icluded in a seperate event. I am out in the cold...period.

And as far as my daughters are concerned, if they had issues with him we would talk about it, but it would also be very clear that this man IS significant in my life and they would NOT dictate to me when I may and may not see him.

I do appreciate your post. It gives my another perspective. Thank you.




Edited 8/12/2005 9:30 am ET ET by luv2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 10:05am

It is always good to see it from all sides Luv.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 2:21pm

You've gotten some great responses and points of view here, really great, I think, and all very valid. I agree that when considering that not being receptive to sharing her pregnancy and wedding with someone who's new is understandable; I'm thinking in her position I would probably feel the same way. I also think that she will very likely warm up to you eventually -- a one time 20 minute meeting is hardly enough to really get to know someone or to really be able to form a valid opinion of them. I'm the first to admit that first impressions are important and can be hard to get past, but 20 minutes is a drop in the bucket! I've been on the receiving end myself, but only with pre-teen children, not at all the same, but as a remarried woman with children from her previous marriage, I can tell you that time alone with your children is very important and special time. I don't know that I can explain it, but it is. My kids love and get along very well with my husband, yet when he's away on business or otherwise out of the picture temporarily some bonding and sharing occurs that doesn't happen when he's around. I guess maybe it's just the fact that we share a history that he's not a part of. I know this "phenomenon" isn't uncommon as I've heard it from other remarried mothers as well. I realize you have children yourself, but I don't remember this being an issue when I was dating. Thinking along those lines, I think it's more understandable that he and his daughter would want to share this important time more exclusively.


I think that at this point your best bet is to let it go as best you can and try not to let the exclusion hurt your feelings. I'd let your boyfriend know that you're interested in his daughter and thinking about her by asking him how she's doing, etc., that will be serve to remind him that you do care and are interested in her and may help him be more on your side if she continues to protest your participation. I also think you're doing the right thing by being busy and doing your own things, being "on call" is not acceptable. Does his daughter live in town? How often does he see her? I think a lot of what you should expect in the way of inclusion can be based on the answers to those questions. I also think, if she continues (many months from now) to insist she doesn't like you it would be completely reasonable to talk to your boyfriend about it and ask what his position on this is. Does he have plans to let his daughter know that you're a part of his life whether she likes it or not? Does he plan to let her know that you will be included at times whether she likes it or not? Or does he plan to be passive and let her "dislike" keep you in the distance? I also think the appropriateness of his taking a stand will depend on the future plans you two have together.





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