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| Thu, 08-11-2005 - 6:53pm |
Hi to everyone and I really hope someone can help. I am currently dating a man who has a child with his ex-wife. They D last year and the only way his ex would sign was if she had full custody. At the time they were trying to work things out but decided to sign anyway, (I don't understand that but ok.)So for 8 months now he has seen his son on Thurs, Fri and Sat. He brings him home to her on Sun morning before dinner. Now when he started dating me, it was a little rough. She was under the impression they were on a break. So she was bitter when he told her he was with me. But she wasn't too bad, at first she made stupid comments but it didn't last long. She even called him one day and said she had done some thinking and that she realized she wasn't in love with him and didn't love him at all. She just wanted to know from him that we wouldn't make out in front of him. That should explain the maturity level of the ex we have to deal with. Now that she knows that I've moved in, he only gets to see his son 4 days total this month, 4 days only. No nights b/c I stay here at night. We're not sure what to do. I think we should see a family court lawyer and find out what our options are. Is there a way to change it to shared custody? She isn't stable at all and I think the father should be sole caretaker. She has threatened to committ suicide 3 times, 2 times before I was in the picture and once since he and I started dating. She has called him and left threatening messages on his phone and sent texts to his cell about killing herself. He has unfortunately erased them so we have no evidence to prove anything anymore. When he has his son on Fri and Sat, I think she gets bored and she lives with her parents who drive her crazy so her minds starts going and she calls him with this foolishness. Her doctor tried to put her on medication but she refused to take them and she told her she needed couselling but when she went she got worse so she stopped going. I knew her in school and wow, what a piece of work then. She is using her innocent son against his father to hurt him b/c she is hurt. He is burdened every day with this. I think she is doing this so he will decide that he wants to see his son and he leaves me. He assures me that he won't do that but she can all the cards. We're screwed.
If anyone at all has any advice please give it to us. I want to support him but it's hard. He's very passive and I'm aggressive so it frustrates me when he doesn't take the bull by the horns and lead the way. Help anyone.

Let me make sure I understand the custody arrangement.
* The ex-wife has full physical custody of the child.
* They share legal custody of the child
* Visitation is not court mandated but rather has been worked out on a casual basis between the parents.
It seems to me that if the father of this child wants to see his child more often than he is, then he can go to court and either have the custody arrangement changed to shared custody and/or he can have visitation mandated by the court, in which case if his ex-wife doesn't allow him to have his son on the designated days, then she will be in violation of a court order.
Then, if he ultimately wants to sue for full custody because his ex-wife is unstable, then he needs to start collecting the evidence - text messages, voice mails, etc. If she was hospitalized for previous suicide attempts, then that will be in her medical record and the court can subpoena those.
If the circumstances equal what Lucy outlined, then the law has been established to afford him access to his children.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
My ex husband tried this one on me years ago. He has primary physical custody and I have visitation. If your man has visitation provisions outlined in the settlement papers, all he has to do is site chapter and verse from the papers to her that state he has visitation rights and he can also bring up the fact that him living with someone is not mentioned in the settlement at all so she has no place saying that his son can't sleep over. Basically, if it's not in the settlement, she has no beef. These days, most settlements also have a provision where both agree to go to a mediator before seeking a court hearing before a judge about any differences of opinion. I used the "mediator card" once on my ex and it worked like a charm, just threatening to take a dispute to the mediator got him to back off.
As for your ex being passive, if he and she have email, tell him to write her about it, that makes it seem more official and documented which he can later use as evidence if need be. I've gotten it where my ex and I only communicate about disputes through email so that my butt is covered if he acts a fool. He knows this and now is much more civil because he knows whatever he writes can be used against him in a court of law! I love it!
Good luck to you both, he should not be denied his rights due to her stupidity!
:-)
I also agree with Rayny - you say "He's very passive and I'm aggressive so it frustrates me when he doesn't take the bull by the horns and lead the way. " and being an aggressive person myself I can understand how you feel. But the fact is that he is approaching this issue as he chooses and since this is his issue to deal with, it is appropriate that he do so. You cannot/should not run his issues for him, this is his issue to handle. Be very aware what this issue is telling you -- that the difference between how the two of you deal with this (and many other important issues yet to come) is very opposite -- and that kind of difference won't be easy. This is his issue to deal with and unfortunately, your place is really not more than to stand back and support his decisions (assuming you're in agreement with them). Personally, standing back and watching someone do nothing about something I felt needed action would probably raise my blood pressure to the point of stroking out in a matter of weeks; I couldn't live with watching his non-approach. Considering that his ex and this issue are not likely to go away for the next ten years or so is an indication that you are in for a lot more frustration. Why did she think they were "on a break" in the early days of their divorce? If your boyfriend was passive enough to allow her to think that they were "on a break" rather than to be firm and direct and tell her the marriage was over and that he had moved on, this is something that you should consider very seriously.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
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