fiance is acting very different

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
fiance is acting very different
2
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 12:35pm

My boyfriend of 4 years proposed to me a few months ago. We are in a long distance relationship and things can get hard for us but we've always worked through the problems caused by the distance. He's always been so supportive and encouraging- absolutely perfect!!

I moved to a new city and started a new job about two months ago. I don't have any friends and I have been really lonely lately. The whole situation has gotten me very depressed. Normally my fiance has always been a shoulder for me to cry on but lately he seems he doesn't care. I tell him that I'm feeling down and he shrugs it off and changes the subject. I confronted him about it today, and he said that its not his job to fix my problems, that I have to do it for myself and that it was obvious how little I appreciated the things he does for me because I was complaining about something as trivial as him not being supporitve enough.

He just started a new job and we are in the process of planning our wedding so he has been under a lot of stress but I feel his reaction was totally unnecessary and quite worrying. Is he right, and I am just over-reacting? Or is something else causing him to seem so disinterested in my well-being? I'm scared that he may be changing his mind about marrying me and doesn't know how to express it. Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 11:18pm

Perhaps you've been crying on his shoulder too often? Perhaps he's gotten tired of it and snapped. It happens to the best of us :-)

In a relationship, a partner should always there as a support for the other. However, there does come a time when enough is enough. When you need your partner to be pro-active about solving their problems, rather than simply complaining about them.

I'm sure that if you start being pro-active about fixing your problems....meeting new people and getting out and enjoying life, both your problems would be solved.

Good luck!

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 1:54am

Welcome, Pink_pants77 ~


Much as you may hate hearing it, especially when you're feeling needy, your boyfriend's right, it's not his job to fix your problems. Leaning on him on occasion, telling him your frustrations, etc., is normal and appropriate in a relationship, being able to share both the good and the bad is important. But,from your explanation, it sounds like you'd been primarily crying on his shoulder about your situation for some time -- two months. I know it sounds cold, but listening and sympathizing with someone's hard times gets old after a while, even when you care very much for someone. I'm sure you've had an experience where you've gotten tired of hearing someone complain about the same thing over and over. I suspect he's reached his limit and heard enough. I think it's understandable that he would have reached his listening limit anyway, but add that to the stress of starting a new job and I'd say he's got more than enough reason to have had enough.


The fact is, and I'm sure you know this, taking care of your loneliness is your problem and would be whether you're living in separate cities, living in the same city, or married for that matter. Being proactive and involving yourself in ways that will help you meet friends and find things to do that you enjoy in your new city will make you feel better about yourself and your situation, and the more upbeat, positive you will be someone to look forward to talking to. Men are typically attracted to independent women; in doing what you should be doing and taking care of yourself and your own happiness you'll be showing that independence, which will remind him of why he was so attracted to you in the first place.


Pink pants, if my answer sounds offensive, I really apologize. I wish I could tell you what I think instead of writing it, as I'm reading it over my post sounds negative to me, I've rethought my words and rewritten as much as I can, but it still sounds lousy. Saying it would be so much easier! Please forgive me if it comes across lousy, it's not how I intend it to be.





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