Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
10
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 8:26pm

Hi. I've been a member for a while now, but this is the first time I've actually posted anything.

My boyfriend & I met when we started Kindergarten! We went through school together & were mostly always good friends. We "dated" from about 3rd grade to 7th grade at least once a year, then his father died & he completely changed. We kind of fell out of touch then & he started doing things that were more advanced than my activities, ie: drinking, dating (for real), partying, etc... Then, after we'd been graduated for almost 3 years (Feb.) he came to my house and confessed to me his true feelings. We soon started dating after that & I couldn't have been happier! I had dreamed of us being together for quite a while & when I would see him with his then very serious girlfriend my heart would break. They eventually broke up b/c of things she did that he couldn't deal with & finally I got my chance at happiness! And, as I said, I love him very much, and I think he has a lot of potential as a boyfriend/husband, but I still just don't feel satisfied.

I have been with my bf for 6 1/2 months now & I love him with everything that I am. As I said, I have wanted him as a companion for a long time & I feel so lucky to have a chance with him. Our relationship isn't perfect though, and I need some advice. It does worry me that after only 6 months I would be feeling this way, but... OK, here are my issues:

1. I have major trust issues with men in general (except my dad), not just my boyfriend, how do I get over this? I think this is taking a toll on our relationship & I know it hurts him to hear that I don't trust him, but I don't. Should this be a red flag to me? Should I go by my gut instinct?

2. His father was an undiagnosed alcoholic and his mother drinks quite a bit too. His father died when my bf was about 13 or 14 and he started drinking quite a bit after that. Now it seems like he has to be drinking to have a good time. He just got a really good construction job & the first week he was there he did really good & didn't drink anything, but after he got to know the ppl he was working with that all changed. Now he goes to the pool @ the hotel he's staying at (he works out of town) and drinks at least a 6 pack of beer w/ co-workers. He does this about 2-4 times in a 7 day week. I'm glad he's comfortable there & that he's having a good time, but his drinking really bothers me. 1, because I don't want him to damage his body or completely get addicted to alcohol; and 2, he's very bad about putting the alcohol before me. I've told him before that I eventually want to be the most important thing in his life and right now I just don't see me gaining the lead over drinking and this bothers me. *Just for the record- I don't believe that he is an alcoholic, but I do believe that it is possible.*

3. As I said before, I love him with all of my heart, but I'm so unhappy in our relationship right now! I read somewhere that a loving partner loves. You make yourself happy - or miserable. Nobody can bestow happiness on you. The way you feel is essentially up to you. Also, feelings are elusive. Therefore, asking someone to give you the happiness feeling - as if happiness were a thing - is bound to bring disappointment. So, what should I do to make myself happy? That was a dumb question, only I can answer that one! OK, is it unreasonable to want to be put before the drinking & partying since our relationship is still pretty new? Am I being selfish? Should I just give him an ultimatum & tell him that if he can't do things to make me happy we can't be together anymore? I really can't stand the thought of losing him though. Help!!!!!!!

Thanks for any advice in advance!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 10:29am

Hey There Hdd...


I am going to warn you now..you are not going to like what I have to say but here it goes....


The hand writing is already on the all for you and your guy.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 3:47am

Welcome to the board, Hddleston02, this is serious stuff ~


Much as I hate to say it, your post has nothing but red flags and warnings of coming disaster in it, and I know that's not what you want to hear.


Starting your relationship as third graders, running on through seventh grade is cute as all get out, but isn't really indicative of being right for each other or "meant to be". In fact, it's more an indication that you're together because you think you should be or because you haven't dated enough other guys to get a good feel for who is right for you, rather than because you're right for each other. The fact is, you aren't the same person you were in third or seventh grade -- or in twelfth grade for that matter. Your entire life you've been growing and changing, maturing emotionally every step of the way and you'll continue to do so until you hit your mid 20's, not that I doubt you'll disagree that you've changed since you were 8, 13 or 18. What you wanted, liked, believed and aspired for was likely different at all those times and is different now than it was then. Likewise, the guy who was "right" for you at 8, 13 and 18 (who has been changing himself during his life) isn't right for you at 25. Face it, at 8 and 13 you weren't taken by your "boyfriend's" ideals, principles, values and morals, you didn't have deep discussions on what your beliefs were, most of us can't really put our fingers on why we were attracted to who we were attracted to back then, we just were!


The next really huge red flag is where you say "I think he has a lot of potential as a boyfriend/husband ". Big red flag. Potential means nothing -- unless the person with potential is actively working towards meeting that potential. If his potential is something he's not doing anything about you have absolutely no reason to believe or expect that he will ever choose to use it. Hanging onto a relationship because of potential you see is dangerous, it has kept more women stuck in miserable, lousy relationships than anything else. You sit, unhappy with how things are, waiting for him to begin to use that potential and turn into the guy you know he can be while he continues to be exactly who he wants to be -- who he is right now. Years can go by while you wait for that potential to be used. Occasionally he'll do something that will seem to indicate that he's beginning to use that potential and will be turning into that great guy you know he can be soon so you'll be encouraged to wait some more, but the twinge of change will only last for a few days at best and then it'll be back to the usual. You'll stay because you're more sure change is possible and is coming now. Before you know it, you'll have spent years in a relationship that is not what you want and does not make you happy waiting for him to turn into something he never wanted to be in the first place. We all have potential that we're not using, every one of us -- and most of us never use it at all. When you think about it, if he wanted to be something other than what he was, wouldn't he be doing something to get there himself? Don't you suppose the fact that he makes the choices he makes, is the person he is says he's doing what he wants, what he chooses? Since that's the case, why do you think he is going to be something else? He's making his choices for his life, as he should be. Relationships aren't about needing someone to change to be right for us, it's about taking a real look at the person they are -- as they are, no changes required -- and having that person be right for you. If change is needed to be right or "perfect" for you, then it means they aren't right for you.


As far as your trust issues go, why do you have them? What's the cause? I'd have to say that issues that are a problem in your life and certainly issues that have been with you for a while should be addressed with a licensed counselor or therapist so that you can resolve them and keep them from continuing to cause problems in your life. You asked if your non-trust of him should be a red flag for you, what is it that causes you not to trust him?


You may not think your boyfriend is an alcoholic, but he has plenty of signs of being just that. Both his parents have drinking problems, which says he has a huge genetic predisposition for being an alcoholic as well. He started drinking at a young age and now "it seems like he has to be drinking to have a good time". Drinking a six pack two to four times per week, that's a lot of alcohol. If he's not an alcoholic (and I'm betting he is, he just doesn't know it yet) he's well on his way and is showing no signs of being concerned or wanting to change his actions or his activities. In fact, you are the one who expresses concerns, unhappiness and disappointment about his drinking, but it doesn't sound like it's slowed down his consumption. If he was concerned about his drinking, he'd not drink so much to begin with, or would cut his consumption down on his own and see that it stayed down. Instead, he's content with what he's doing and your concerns aren't sending a warning message. This is something you need to take very seriously. If you're thinking that he isn't an alcoholic because he doesn't't drink daily you need to rethink your definition of alcoholism. Alcoholics don't need to drink every day, in fact, they can go days, weeks, even months without drinking and be alcoholic. My ex-husband was an alcoholic. The thinking that he wasn't an alcoholic because he didn't drink every day, coupled with the fact that he often went weeks without drinking kept me thinking he wasn't an alcoholic for a long time. You seem to indicate that at least to some degree you may be holding his co-workers responsible for his choosing to drink. If that's true, please stop that thinking right now. Your boyfriend is full-on responsible for what he chooses to do and cannot be forced to join in on things he doesn't want to join in on. There's no reason he can't join them at the pool and not drink, and if their drinking bothers him, there's no reason he can't find others to hang out with who don't choose alcohol as an entertainment. There are options and he's making his own choice, period. Realize too that if he didn't like or approve of that kind of drinking, he wouldn't like hanging out with that crowd and wouldn't feel comfortable with them. Realize too that he's most likely giving you a watered-down version of the amount he's actually drinking. Think about it, he already knows you don't approve and don't like the amount he's drinking, you think he'd tell you the real amount he's drinking? It's very likely that he's telling you an amount that seems like an acceptable amount to him -- unfortunately, his "acceptable amount" is way too much. Any decision to quit drinking he makes will have to be based on his desire to get drinking out of his life. Stopping drinking because he'll lose you if he doesn't won't be enough, it won't be a strong enough reason to really put an end to it. Believe me, I've been there.


You're right that you make your own happiness, that your partner isn't responsible for your happiness, but at the same time, choosing a partner who's values, morals, ideals and goals are compatible with yours is imperative to having a happy relationship. Living with someone who's basic values and goals aren't the same as yours doesn't allow you to grow together or move forward. You wouldn't move in with someone you dislike, right? And if you did you wouldn't expect them to be responsible for your happiness, but you'd have a hard time being happy living with someone you didn't like. The same goes with compatibility in a relationship. Having mutual goals, ideals, values and morals is absolutely necessary. What you do is use the dating period for what it's intended for -- to assess the other person and decide, based on what you see from them, whether their preferences, actions, character etc., etc., is agreeable to you and further, is complimentary to your own. If his ideas, choices, actions, etc. makes you upset, uncomfortable, uneasy, it's telling you he's not right for you. It's saying your incompatible on some very important basic levels. Six months isn't long to be in a relationship. The fact that you're seeing such serious warning signs so early is a very serious indicator that this is not something you should stay in. This is your life, childhood dreams won't cut it here.


Dirextor gave you some very good questions to consider. The only thing I'd like to add to those is that it's very important that you answer those questions as things are today, not as you'd like them to be, as you think they would be if he met the potential you see in him.


You ask if it's unreasonable to want to be put before partying so early in a relationship. The answer is you need to choose a boyfriend whose feelings on drinking and partying match your own. Compatibility. A girl who wants a life full of partying and drinking would choose your boyfriend, the right choice for you is someone who doesn't equate fun with partying and drinking. You're choosing the wrong guy, you're picking a guy then trying to make him be who you want him to be -- that doesn't work. You shouldn't give him an ultimatum, you should just tell him there are some important differences that don't make the two of you compatible and based on that you need to end the relationship. That's the truth. Life with a drinker is not a fun life. If you choose him you're choosing a hard life, full of disappointment, frustration, sadness, loneliness, embarrassment and confusion for yourself.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Sat, 09-10-2005 - 1:12am

Thank you for replying. I guess I left out my age, I’m 22 yrs. old. I have been very busy & yes, drained and haven’t had a chance to read the replies, my apologies.

Firstly, I’m not sure I’d say my trust issues are “directly related to his alcoholism…”. My trust issues stem from family members being deceitful, an ex-bf cheating on me, seeing how unfaithful most ppl are in relationships, etc. I would say my trust issues are directly related to life.

Secondly, I honestly believe that I am a person who doesn’t give up easily & I hate to give up on this so early in the game. I think that whether no matter how things go I will come out w/ something in the end, whether it be him or wisdom.

Here are my answers to some of your questions:

• I honestly don’t know what I want out of life right now. I would like to be married one of these days, but I’m in no rush. But, as for a career, I’m just not sure yet.
• Sometimes what I want lines up with him, yes. He can be the sweetest guy ever sometimes & sometimes I think he does things not knowing they’ll upset me b/c I haven’t told him they do… This is my fault & I’m working on it.
• Yes, I see him in 5 years being more grown up & more responsible. I also see him working hard to support a wife or family.
• Yes his desire to drink consumes most of his free time unless I am able to stop it first.
• No, I’m not much of a drinker at all. I’m what you would call a social drinker, but I have my certain times when I feel like drinking, other times I don’t feel like it & won’t drink anything but soda.
• We do share the same values about money (most of the time), spirituality, religion, sex. Morals, I sometimes think on morals, but I’m not sure. Children, maybe. He eventually wants kids & right now I do not, but I have thought about having kids w/ him, but definitely not ready yet!
• Yes, I can see us having a child together… Miles & miles down the road.
• Yes, I think he would be a great father, just from watching him w/ his nephew & my nephews.
• He has an excellent job and he is a very hard worker & he is responsible when it comes to his job.
• Yes, he often says that what he wants in a house or land. We have been looking at various houses recently. But, I have told him that if his ways don’t change I can’t justify moving in w/ him.
• No, I don’t think he’s ever thought about college, but he may do tech training for his current job.
• Yes, he actually has a vehicle that is his, he has furniture left over from his last house, etc. Many of his items were burnt up in an unfortunate house fire however.
• In some ways he is like my father & I honestly believe that’s why I love him so much, b/c I adore my dad. My dad however, has never been a drinker, in fact when I was little, alcohol wasn’t even allowed in our house!
• My gut has told me many things; 1st it told me to get out now, but after I thought about it it told me to try my hardest & make this work.
• No, I honestly believe that there will be some type of good result in the end, like I said earlier.

I do agree w/ the coping mechanism theory. He is very bad about just walking away when I confront him about something & I have told him that that is not good; if I’m upset anyway, that just makes it worse! I have also brought this to his attention & I think he heard me loud & clear.

Your comment “That innocent young man that you shared all those fond memories with no longer exists.” I don’t believe this, he is still in there, that is why I still love him so much, he is still the same person only w/ more “baggage.”

I do appreciate you replying, I have answered everything as honestly as I can. Please feel free to offer more advice.

Thanks!

Hddlstn02

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 9:45pm

Your boyfriend sounds like a functional alcoholic. Start going to Al-Anon meetings. They will open your eyes.
I'm going to speak to you as an older woman to a younger one. Drug and alcohol abuse are the death knell for happiness and stability. It is IMPOSSIBLE to have a satisfying marriage when one or both of the partners are addicts...and it is a sure-fire recipe for creating miserable, emotionally damaged children. Please stop with the platitudes about "not giving up easily" and "trying to make it work." The long-term sobriety rates for addicts is very low, even with in-patient treatment. Your boyfriend has an additional strike against him because both of his parents were alcoholics. You probably already know that there is a strong genetic link for alcoholism, so that is an additional barrier to him getting sober and maintaining sobriety. You think that through the power of your love that you can turn this elephant into a zebra. You actually think that you can "will" him to be the perfect guy for you. This is the thinking of a young, naive woman. He is what he is. If he isn't acceptable right now, just as he is, then walk away.

There are literally millions of sober, decent, loving and responsible men out there. Why are you settling? I genuinely believe that if you stick around and end up marrying this man, that you will regret it for the rest of your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 10:42pm

Agree 100% with what you and the cl have said. If I read Dirextor's post correctly, she was trying to get the OP to recognize the reality with her questions, but I don't think the OP got it.

Having had a functioning alcoholic for a husband, I can attest to everything that's been said as being 100% correct. As for "not giving up that easy and "trying to make it work" you're right, those are the words of a young, naive person with stars in her eyes and fairy tale endings in her head. Life doesn't work that way, love is not all you need. If she stays in this relationship, what she'll eventually come to realize is that she can only make her end work, she can't make her boyfriend work his side of the relationship, and, since his relationship is with alcohol, he won't be able to hold up his end very well. She'll find out that she can "not give up" all she wants, but staying will mean she stays in a lousy relationship with an alcholic guy in a dysfunctional relationship. By the time she realizes it's not "giving up" it's moving on to a healthy, sane life for herself she'll have wasted a good many years, and most of her hopes and dreams on a figment of her imagination. She's not seeing this guy at all, she sees what she wants to see and it's not a real representation of the situation.

It seems that some people have to learn the hard way rather than benefitting from the expereience of others. It looks like the OP is one of those people. It's too bad, I hope she realizes the truth sooner so she can move on to a good, healthy life.




Edited 9/14/2005 10:16 am ET ET by pandabu
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 8:45pm

Hddlstn02 --


I wholeheartedly agree with all the advice you've been given.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 6:33pm

By the time you catch a clue, you won't be 22 and cute anymore... you will be years older and will look years older than that; you will be beaten down by his addiction to alcohol because it is far stronger than your love for him; it resides in his head, you don't, which is why he'll keep turning to it (and you'll keep trying to get in between him and is drink). Your self esteem will have been spent trying to make him do something his addiction won't let him do.

The biggest lie of all is "love conquers all". It doesn't. And time isn't kind to foolish young girls who think they know better than wise older women who are telling her that 'the bridge is out up ahead' and she thinks she can leap the divide carrying the baggage of an alcoholic just so she can say "I got a man".

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 9:55pm

I would just like to say thank you to everyone who has replied to my post. But, I have a few things to say first. First of all, I don't believe I ever said the my bf was an alcoholic and I don't think he is... I do think that he could be on the road to alcoholism if he doesn't start thinking, but I don't think he's there yet. Also, I know there are medical studies on this, but I do not believe for one second that alcoholism is inherited! I think it is learned, but not inherited! My father drank when he was young, he drank a lot, but after he had kids, he stopped & alcohol was not allowed in our house and none of his 8 children grew up to be heavy drinkers, yeah, we drink socially, but none of us are alcoholics. I think this is just a habit learned to each person, not inherited.

I do understand how I sound like a brat, thinking I know everything, not wanting to listen to the "older, wiser women" but I'm not alone here, I think most ppl are like this.

I do really appreciate all of the advice, but I realized that I'm going to do what I want & what I feel is best no matter what anyone says... so I did.

My bf & I went out a few weeks ago and had a long talk. I wrote him a letter telling him everything that he had done that bothered me, etc. and read it to him. Since that night everything has been going great. I am not perfect either, I am/was the gf that was too clingy I guess, I realized this after many nights of thinking about it and I have started giving him more space and his drinking and other things have changed considerably! We have both tried very hard to work on our faults & I think we have both done a very good job. I think I'm (we're) happier now in our relationship than we've ever been and I think if we can both keep an open mind and conquer our faults we'll do great.

Again, thanks for all of the advice, it is greatly appreciated!

~hddlstn02

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 11:06pm

You're right, you didn't say you thought he was an alcoholic. In fact, if I remember correctly you went out of your way to say that you didn't think he was an alcoholic. I think everybody here was clear on that, I know I was. My answer, and I suspect everyone elses too, was our own thoughts, based on the information you gave, we ALL think he sounds like a functioning alcholic and most of us who said so have had the experience of living with a functioning alcoholic, we know the signs, we know how it goes. Your boyfriend fits it to a "T".

I'm alarmed that you don't think the predisposition for addiction is inherited. Studies pretty clearly show that it's there. I know I'm talking to my kids about how especially dangerous drinking and drugs are to them. Genetics are a funny thing. All of my family, parents and siblings have brown hair but me, my father's parents and his brother are alcoholics, my dad is not. It's a dangerous roulette game, you can't see what you've got and what you don't. But, when you're talking about your boyfriend, it doesn't matter whether it comes from genetic predisposition or learned behavior, no matter how or where he got it, he's got it.

Nobody's putting you down here, and yes, it's pretty typical for kids to ignore the warnings of adults who have been there. But you posted for advice and we've tried to save you from living the hell we've been through, going through the trauma, grief and dysfunction you're heading towards. It's up to you to learn it yourself the hard way or hear our warnings and take your lesson there. We were just hoping to save you from what we know is nothing but misery.

I've got to ask, doesn't it strike you as a bit concerning that each and every answer you got thought the same thing about your situation and gave you the same warning?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 11:46pm

you write: "I do really appreciate all of the advice, but I realized that I'm going to do what I want & what I feel is best no matter what anyone says... so I did."

So why even post here? Why ask us for our advice? Why even expend the energy since you're going to do what you want no matter what anyone says? Seems selfish to me.