Why does mention of his x bother me?
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| Wed, 08-17-2005 - 4:01pm |
I posted this in second wives, but thought this may be more appropriate..
My SO of 4 years has been married (and divorced) two times prior to us meeting. I've met his first wife, the one he's had children with. We actually get along wonderfully (probably because she lives in another state) and we talk on a somewhat regular basis, even though the kids are pretty much grown now (SO raised them).
His second wife, who also lives in another state seems to bother me. She is totally out of the picture, they've never had children together, and she gets under my skin. He moved down south with her for 2 years, and the mention of that state makes my skin crawl, because it reminds me of him and her together there.
We currently live in a house that they built together, and he says that we will move one day (not for at least 3 years though, b/c he just claimed bankruptcy due to HER ex-husband's debts he took on).
Some collection company called and left a message for her the other day and I was so upset by it....how dare they call HER on MY phone....Its really starting to get on my SO's nerves, and in general, I am not at all a jealous person. What is the problem, and how do I stop feeling like this? I have an ex, and he has put me and SO through a lot of hell, and SO deals with it so well. What is my problem/insecurity about and how do I get rid of it

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Welcome back, Kcako. I hope you were able to resolve the childcare issue you had with your stepdaughter.
As far as this issue goes, does living in the house he shared with his ex conjure up visions of happy times between the two of them for you? Does your husband talk about his time with his ex in a way that sounds wistful or otherwise gives you the feeling that he's holding onto feelings for her? It would seem understandable to me that you'd hold some hard feelings for her as she's the reason you aren't able to move, but if, like you said, you're not a jealous person, it doesn't seem like there's enough for you to have the kinds of deep feelings you have for her. Especially since you have no problem with his other ex, it does't make sense that you'd randomly single one out to focus intense dislike for. There must be some reason behind your feeling. Does your husband mention her? Do you not like her as a person (from the contact you've had with her of course)? Is there anything you can add that might shed some light on what might be behind this? I think until you get why you feel this way about her, letting go of the feelings will be more difficult.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
No, SD Issues are still there, but I try to work with it, I guess. YSS is moving to college in one week and I am holding my breath. He has been so miserable to be around, but that's another story.
I've never met SO's 2nd X, but from what I hear she was the one to "wear the pants" and she decorated how she wanted, bought whatever she wanted, did whatever she wanted. It doesn't seem like they had much of an equal marriage. He dated her 7 years before they married, and 3 years later she left him for some other guy. I don't know if this has anything to do with it or not, but my guy has a high sex drive, and I think she used sex to get whatever she wanted. I guess thats partially why I resent the present financial state we're in. I came with no debt, except a child with a deadbeat father;, but I work full time to support her. His X's never had to work, or if they did, it was part time.
I love my SO very much, and we talk about marriage, but its been almost 4 years. I'm not upset he hasn't asked, and we've discussed it, but its not like I'm waiting with baited breath. I have a few reservations (previous posts about the kids).
I just know I am plucking his nerves if he mentions "Alabama" (every time sweet home alabama comes on is a sore spot). I try not to have ANY reaction to it, and try to blow it off, but its like he senses it and knows it irritates me.
I came home last night and got the mail. Yup, Mail for X#2 AGAIN. I pretended I didn't see it and just handed him the mail when I walked in the door, and he acted like it was just junk mail. I have been living there for 2 years now. Do we really have to move before it all goes away?
Hello Kcako,
Have you considered that you may lay a lot of the blame on her for your current situation.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
I think you hit a lot of those issues on the mark. He has let me redecorate...until we ran out of money, so I have a kitchen painted and papered the way I want, with an ugly conflicting floor, I've redone the kids bathroom with the dolphin theme...we just ran out of money. I really don't have the $$ for counselling right now (spent a lot when I was recovering from my divorce and all that drama) I can't afford $25 copay every week or every other week.
I just wish I could escape those negative feelings I have about her and how she affects our present relationship. SO has said he wanted to marry me, but he doesn't want to until he clears up the previous financial mess. I can/do help with what I can and sometimes feel like "I don't want to wait", but then again, I delve a little deeper and feel, hey, don't jump into this thing too fast. I just want the magic secret to ignoring these negative feelings I guess.
Hugs to you (((((((((Kcako)))))))))))))
I know where you are.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Hey you know what I was just thinking, I read this book called "When the Heart Waits" by Sue Monk Kidd.
I don't know what your religious convictions are but this book is excellently written and was a source of resolve for me in a lot of areas of my life.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
I think that you resent what she's gotten away with, you resent the aftermath she left for your SO to clean up, which is cutting into you and him trying to move on. The home stands as testament to the damage she's wreaked in your SO's life.
Perhaps if you held a garage sale and sold everything that she left in that house and began decorating it with new items, it might help you---not having daily reminders of her all about you.
If you know her address, then go online to the US post office site and do a change of address for her so that her mail stops coming to your house. When someone calls for her, tell them that they do not live at that number and to remove your number from their computer banks--insist on that. I think that if you take some steps to empower yourself, you will find a lessening in your rage against her... and she will cease to wield so much power over you.
Kcako, it sounds like you are surrounded by reminders of her every day, all day. Not only visual ones (her taste) but financial ones too. It seems pretty understandable that you would hold resentment towards her, and it would be hard to let it go when you continue to be "slapped" with it. I know your guy is well aware of your feelings, but it seems like bringing them out in the open at least to some extent would be helpful. The mail for instance. Telling him you're really tired of getting her mail after four years and you propose letting her know she needs to notify all of her correct address as you'll no longer act as a forward for her mail. You should be able to enlist the post office's help in stopping this unwanted mail, though I understand it may be in your guy's last name. Explain the situation to them and I'll bet they have a form for you to fill out stating who is able to receive mail at your address -- all others will be returned. That would take both of you out of the loop and would keep you from being her personal mail carrier. Or get your guy's agreement to simply write across the mail "No longer at this address" and send it back to the post office. If he doesn't know that the house bothers you, you might explain to him that the constant reminders of her on the whole are getting to you and the house is a big one. Maybe you could at least pick up some paint and make the walls look different. He might get defensive, but I'd hope you can pull off the discussion if you plead your case by reminding him that you have absolutely no problem with his other ex, and cite the numerous reminders of ex #2. You might also ask him to consider how receptive he'd be of living amidst constant reminders of your ex and being financially hampered as a result of him as well. Let him know (I'm sure he already aware, but reminding him would be good) that you do your best to bite your tongue and try not to let it be a sore spot between you. Obviously he knows it's a problem as you said he "senses" "Sweet Home Alabama" is a sore spot. He ain't dumb, he's just choosing to look the other way.
I hear what you're saying about not having the money for counseling, but there may be options. Can he help pay the copay? You might also check with therapists and see if there aren't some who would be willing to bill you for the copay rather than have you pay upfront. Therapists are often very agreeable to working with you to get you the help you need. Have you checked to see if your company offers an EAP program. That will give you eight (I think) counseling session for free, and it doesn't have to be work related, this is for problems that the employee is having, period.
I'm sorry your childcare issue is still a struggle, I hope you find a way through that too.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide
Edited 8/19/2005 1:17 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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