I desperately need help!!!
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I desperately need help!!!
| Thu, 08-18-2005 - 1:48pm |
This is my first time to this site. I will be turning 23 in a couple of
months and I am in a serious relationship with a 26 year old man. We
have been together for nearly 5 years (come Nov.). For the past three years
he was away at school so we had a long distance relationship and he would
come home every chance he got to see me and spend time and I would go out to
see him whenever my schedule allowed. Before he left to go away for school
he thought that we should buy promise rings for each other to show our
commitment to each other...more so his commitment to me and that he
wasn't going anywhere. We didn't have any trust issues or problems in our
relationship before he left for school or while he was away...we were
very happy together. In many ways it's like we're already married, just not
living under the same roof. We have a joint account together and
support each other financially. Right now he has currently graduated this May
and has been home since. We spend nearly everyday together. He isn't
currently working and I am...therefore I am supporting us at this time. He lives
at home with his mother and I live at home with my parents. We spend
nights together and are always together. Well that's our background...now
here's the problem. He has a female friend who he has known for about ten
years or so. They have remained in contact for all these years and she resides
in the UK. Well, last August when I went out to visit him at school I came
across an email that she sent to him when I went to use his computer and his
email account came up automatically. I asked him what the email was about and
he told me it was basically her telling him that she was in love with him
as more than a friend and she was jealous of me and the relationship that
me and him have and he told me to read it if I wanted to and I did. She
also went on to state how she just wanted him to know and that she can cope
with his relationship with me just as long as she doesn't have to come in
contact with me again (she spoke to me once on his cell phone) and how she
doesn't want to cause any trouble for him or make him have to choose between me
and her but she just wanted him to know how she felt. He said that he
didn't respond whatsoever to the email because it wasn't the first time that
she told him this and he doesn't feel that way towards her and that him not
responding should prove that to her and how she already knows the way
that he feels about me...therefore I left it alone. January of this year, he
received an email from her that I read stating her flight arrangements
to go out and see him at school for a weekend. I approached him about it and
he said that he had no idea of her making such plans and I told him that I
didn't want her going out there. He told me that he would contact her
and tell her that she wasn't to come out there. We experienced a lot of
arguments during that time and he told me over and over again that she
didn't come anymore. We had problems over that entire situation up
until about March. I believed him when he told me that she didn't come out
there and I had moved on from the situation and he continued to have contact
with her. We were getting back to where we left off and were happy again
together. We had booked a vacation for the two of us to take in the
beginning of August (this was the very end of June). Well, he spoke to
her and mentioned our vacation together and the very same day she emailed
him pictures of when she went to see him at school. He looked at the email
when he was at my house and I saw a glimpse of the pictures of them together
in his room. I confronted him about it and he tried to avoid me about
it...anyway about a week later he came out and confessed to me that she
showed up on her own after he told her not to come and she thought that
she could see if there was still some chance for the two of them. He said
he told her that would never be possible and that he plans on spending his
life with me and he's very happy in our relationship and he told me that
nothing happened. Well, I told him I wanted the friendship to be over and he
told me he didn't want to do that because he has minimal contact with her as it
is and there was nothing for me to worry about...so again I left it alone
and moved on. Well, we went on our vacation and have a great time together
and the night we returned she called him. He told her that he was unpacking
with me and that it wasn't a good time to talk, but continued having a
conversation for about twenty to thirty minutes with him...I didn't say
anything. A couple of nights later when he was taking me home she
called again, and again he told her he was with me and it wasn't a good time
for him to talk to her and for her to call back in about thirty minutes
after he dropped me home and again she tried to hold a conversation with him and
he cut her off and told her to call back. I confronted him about it and
asked him why she had to be calling so late and why did he have to talk to
her without me around. He said that he just thought it would be
disrespectful if he spoke to her in front of me because he knows that I don't like her
and also because I would be nosy and want to know what they were talking
about. We argued, and she ended up calling back and he wouldn't answer the
phone so she kept calling and finally I picked up the phone and started talking
to her and let her have it. I told her how I felt about the entire
situation and how she was very disrespectful, etc. Well, she told me that as far
as what he was telling me was different from what he was telling her as
far as it was planned between the two of them to see each other in January and
some other things. After I finished speaking to her I gave him the phone
thinking that he would end the conversation with her and explain to me what was
going on but instead he talked to her for about an hour and had me
waiting...they spoke about me and whatever else and he answered all questions that she asked him. When I finally got him to get off the phone with her I
started asking what was going on and he told me he didn't want to talk about
it. The next day, I confronted him about it again and we argued again and he
told me that there's nothing going on between them and I'm acting as though I'm
trying to compete with her and I don't have to because he's with me.
Then he told me he'll have an answer for my by Friday (tomorrow) on what he
wants to do as far our relationship and I guess her. I don't know what to do
anymore...I'm tired of fighting with him and he doesn't see that she's
causing problems in our relationship. He always sees it as though I'm
overreacting and exaggerating things. Please help me...am I losing my mind? Am I truly worrying about nothing and taking things out of context????
months and I am in a serious relationship with a 26 year old man. We
have been together for nearly 5 years (come Nov.). For the past three years
he was away at school so we had a long distance relationship and he would
come home every chance he got to see me and spend time and I would go out to
see him whenever my schedule allowed. Before he left to go away for school
he thought that we should buy promise rings for each other to show our
commitment to each other...more so his commitment to me and that he
wasn't going anywhere. We didn't have any trust issues or problems in our
relationship before he left for school or while he was away...we were
very happy together. In many ways it's like we're already married, just not
living under the same roof. We have a joint account together and
support each other financially. Right now he has currently graduated this May
and has been home since. We spend nearly everyday together. He isn't
currently working and I am...therefore I am supporting us at this time. He lives
at home with his mother and I live at home with my parents. We spend
nights together and are always together. Well that's our background...now
here's the problem. He has a female friend who he has known for about ten
years or so. They have remained in contact for all these years and she resides
in the UK. Well, last August when I went out to visit him at school I came
across an email that she sent to him when I went to use his computer and his
email account came up automatically. I asked him what the email was about and
he told me it was basically her telling him that she was in love with him
as more than a friend and she was jealous of me and the relationship that
me and him have and he told me to read it if I wanted to and I did. She
also went on to state how she just wanted him to know and that she can cope
with his relationship with me just as long as she doesn't have to come in
contact with me again (she spoke to me once on his cell phone) and how she
doesn't want to cause any trouble for him or make him have to choose between me
and her but she just wanted him to know how she felt. He said that he
didn't respond whatsoever to the email because it wasn't the first time that
she told him this and he doesn't feel that way towards her and that him not
responding should prove that to her and how she already knows the way
that he feels about me...therefore I left it alone. January of this year, he
received an email from her that I read stating her flight arrangements
to go out and see him at school for a weekend. I approached him about it and
he said that he had no idea of her making such plans and I told him that I
didn't want her going out there. He told me that he would contact her
and tell her that she wasn't to come out there. We experienced a lot of
arguments during that time and he told me over and over again that she
didn't come anymore. We had problems over that entire situation up
until about March. I believed him when he told me that she didn't come out
there and I had moved on from the situation and he continued to have contact
with her. We were getting back to where we left off and were happy again
together. We had booked a vacation for the two of us to take in the
beginning of August (this was the very end of June). Well, he spoke to
her and mentioned our vacation together and the very same day she emailed
him pictures of when she went to see him at school. He looked at the email
when he was at my house and I saw a glimpse of the pictures of them together
in his room. I confronted him about it and he tried to avoid me about
it...anyway about a week later he came out and confessed to me that she
showed up on her own after he told her not to come and she thought that
she could see if there was still some chance for the two of them. He said
he told her that would never be possible and that he plans on spending his
life with me and he's very happy in our relationship and he told me that
nothing happened. Well, I told him I wanted the friendship to be over and he
told me he didn't want to do that because he has minimal contact with her as it
is and there was nothing for me to worry about...so again I left it alone
and moved on. Well, we went on our vacation and have a great time together
and the night we returned she called him. He told her that he was unpacking
with me and that it wasn't a good time to talk, but continued having a
conversation for about twenty to thirty minutes with him...I didn't say
anything. A couple of nights later when he was taking me home she
called again, and again he told her he was with me and it wasn't a good time
for him to talk to her and for her to call back in about thirty minutes
after he dropped me home and again she tried to hold a conversation with him and
he cut her off and told her to call back. I confronted him about it and
asked him why she had to be calling so late and why did he have to talk to
her without me around. He said that he just thought it would be
disrespectful if he spoke to her in front of me because he knows that I don't like her
and also because I would be nosy and want to know what they were talking
about. We argued, and she ended up calling back and he wouldn't answer the
phone so she kept calling and finally I picked up the phone and started talking
to her and let her have it. I told her how I felt about the entire
situation and how she was very disrespectful, etc. Well, she told me that as far
as what he was telling me was different from what he was telling her as
far as it was planned between the two of them to see each other in January and
some other things. After I finished speaking to her I gave him the phone
thinking that he would end the conversation with her and explain to me what was
going on but instead he talked to her for about an hour and had me
waiting...they spoke about me and whatever else and he answered all questions that she asked him. When I finally got him to get off the phone with her I
started asking what was going on and he told me he didn't want to talk about
it. The next day, I confronted him about it again and we argued again and he
told me that there's nothing going on between them and I'm acting as though I'm
trying to compete with her and I don't have to because he's with me.
Then he told me he'll have an answer for my by Friday (tomorrow) on what he
wants to do as far our relationship and I guess her. I don't know what to do
anymore...I'm tired of fighting with him and he doesn't see that she's
causing problems in our relationship. He always sees it as though I'm
overreacting and exaggerating things. Please help me...am I losing my mind? Am I truly worrying about nothing and taking things out of context????

Pages
You're not crazy and you're not out of line. Your boyfriend has two girlfriends, you and his other long distance girlfriend in the UK. This situation is bull and you know it. I highly doubt he'd accept the same kind of "friendship" and the same situations from you.
It may have started with him being flattered by this girl's affection for him, after all, it's quite an ego boost, but it's gone beyond that. He's lying to you about their relationship, about her presence and he's doing that because he knows it's inappropriate. He covers it by minimizing it, avoiding the subject and treating you like you're wrong to have a problem with this, but none of that changes the fact that this is out of line. He further violates your relationship and places you in a low priority spot by talking to her for long periods of time while you sit there an wait. That's very disrespectful of you and your relationship. The fact that she tells you that what he's telling you and what he's telling her are quite different tells you quite clearly that he's lying to you. The fact that he had no rebuttal says it even stronger -- not that he would have been believable if he'd insisted she wasn't telling the truth. You may be angry with this other girl, but the truth is the person who is to blame is your boyfriend. He's the one who committed to your relationship, he's the one who is responsible for his choices and actions, he chose to do what he's doing, he's responsible for his actions. He's the one your anger and blame should stay with.
Even if he was honestly trying to hold a innocent friendship with her (which he's not), he'd be wrong to do so. Once he's aware she has deeper feelings than friendship, friendship ceases to be possible. The feelings friends have for each other are not the same as feelings for boyfriends and girlfriends, how can you be friends when your feelings aren't "friendly"? In effect, the person who has deeper feelings is simply going through the motions of being a friend, waiting and hoping to be there when an opportunity to have more of a relationship opens up. That's not a friend. If the person who is merely interested from a friendship standpoint is not interested in a deeper relationship with the other "friend", I think he or she has an obligation to end the friendship once the deeper feelings of the other "friend" are realized. Staying in contact knowing the other person wants more is keeping them hanging on, stuck in a place where they have no chance of a relationship, not with their "friend", and, as long as they're stuck on the "friend", not with anyone else either. The right thing to do is end the friendship so that the enamored "friend" can have the chance to move on and find someone they can have a real relationship with. Make sense? Unfortunately, this doesn't apply to your boyfriend because he's gone beyond loving the attention this other girl gives him and has moved on to secretly seeing her, lying to you about their involvement and choosing conversing with her over being respectful and considerate to you and your relationship. He's made his choices very clear. Even if he were to end his relationship with her now, how would you ever believe it? How would you be able to trust that he's not still seeing her behind your back? He's done that quite well up until now and doesn't seem to have any regret. Rather, he's made it out that you're exaggerating, out of line and ridiculous. Sorry, but if that's what he really thinks, he's some kind of egomaniac.
I know you don't want to hear this, but I really strongly urge you to go straight to the bank and close your joint account -- the money in there is all yours anyway, closing it and opening one of your own will simply protect what's yours. From there I'd tell him you aren't going to be one of two girlfriends and since he seems to be having some problems deciding between the two of you, you're making it easier for him by bowing out.
I know you've been together a long time and I know this is hard. But the fact is your boyfriend is cheating on you whether he's being romantic with her or not. He's doing things that violate your relationship and he's defending his actions as though they're acceptable and appropriate. Change isn't going to occur in him because he feels he's right in what he does. If you were to convince him to end things with her, what would you have? A boyfriend that you can't trust because you'll know he's more than ready, willing and able to jump into another "friendship" anytime. You deserve better, he's not worth your time or trouble.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Couple of questions:
He doesn't open his eyes and see that he's hurting you because he believes he's perfectly entitled to do what he's doing. That means there's a huge fundamental difference in your beliefs of what's permissible in a relationship -- and being in agreement is critical to a healthy, happy, prosperous relationship -- it also means that he'll think nothing of doing this kind of thing again, let alone simply lying to you when it suits his needs. I understand you wanting him to see this like you do and just stop it, but that's not reality. He is who he is and you are who you are -- and in this very important issue you are of two very different minds, along with issues like honesty and respect. There's a saying that says, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." He's showing you very clearly.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
As far as issues with my family...my sisters as well as my parents didn't approve of him. They all thought that he was bad news and only hanging around me for one thing...sex. My sisters completely shut me out and I had plenty of arguments with my parents about seeing him. Before I met my bf I was quiet and didn't express my feelings to my parents and sisters when I didn't agree with the way that treated my like a little child or other issues. Therefore when I met him I learned to be more outspoken and not care so much about what they thought about me because I expressed my feelings. So there was a lot of animosity towards him because they thought that he "changed" me, but it was really me changing myself and growing. So I fought my family to defend him and our relationship.
Although he lives at home with his mother, I pay his bills...from his car insurance, his cell phone bill, other minor bills as well as his rent for his apartment from school (up until this month which was the last month being that he finished school). If he needs anything financially I help him out and when I need something financially he helps me out as well. Whenever he comes across any type of money, whether it be money that people owe him he gives me either half or more than half. Don't get me wrong he does take care of me too...but it's to a limit because he can't get a job right now due to certain circumstances. When I wasn't working and was in school...being that he received money from school being that he was on full scholarship and received free room & board...he supported me fully, whatever I needed money for he would give it.
I think that in order for him to fix this situation he would have to end his friendship with her completely and do it in front of me so that I know for sure and there wouldn't be any uncertainties or he said-she said. In order for me to trust that he wouldn't be still keeping in touch with her he would have to delete his email address and change his cell phone. At this point he has two options me or her. It bothers me to think that he would even think to throw our relationship away like it didn't mean anything to him...mainly because over the past four months if not more, we've been looking to get a house together and he's been bringing up the subject of marrying me a lot. I feel as though if I mean that much to you, why wouldn't you be trying to do everything to make me happy?
Is your family generally not a source of opinion that you respect and listen to? I find it odd that your entire family, sisters included, would be against him if he's of good character. As for the money thing, it sounds like you're footing the bill for an awful lot, are you saying it evens out to be pretty much 50-50? Sounds like if you're paying for his rent, insurance and more and he's giving you half or more of what other people owe him he's not even beginning to reimburse you. How can he be planning to buy a house together when he can't even pay his own rent or insurance?
For me, him ending the friendship in front of me wouldn't cut it -- he's already proven himself to be a liar when it comes to his contact with her, what's to stop him from putting on a "ending friendship show" for you then just resuming contact when you're not around? I also would have a very difficult time moving forward with someone who could lie to me about another woman and who proves he sees no problem in his actions and his involvement with her by minimizing my reaction. He's pretty plainly letting you know it can (and likely will) happen again, if not with her with someone else or some other way, he thinks lying is acceptable and doesn't think he needs to apologize for it. That's an enormous warning sign.
One more thing - and I know you don't want to hear this and are likely not to heed it - is your age. You've been together since you were 18 and at 18 you still have a lot of emotional and intellectual growth to do, at 23 you're not done yet. The guy who's right for you at 18 is almost certainly not the guy who's right for you at 23, and that could very likely change again as you continue to mature. Since you haven't dated anyone besides him since you were a teenager, you really have no idea if he's right for you, or how this relationship measures up against mature relationships with men; your only experience is him and what you think is near perfect could be found to be much less than adequate in the face of the experience of dating others. Plenty of times on this board I've seen women who thought their relationship was wonderful but, in dating others were surprised to find that the guy they'd thought was great was so much less right for them when they actually dated others that they were amazed how little they'd been settling for. Especially in the face of this behavior and mind set that you now know is a part of him, I'd really urge you to back off this relationship a bit, give yourself a chance to see what else is out there, give yourself some time to consider what you'll be settling for if you stay with him. Staying with someone who lies and has relationships with other women and sees no reason to apologize or amend his behavior is not something I'd be willing to consider for one second, no matter how I felt about the guy. Knowing what I'd like and knowing what the reality is wouldn't allow me to put myself in that kind of position. What you can bet on is that there's more underneath than you realize -- accepting a guy you know has unacceptable values means there's more that's unacceptable that you've yet to uncover. Realize too that while you've been growing and changing he has been doing the same, and it looks like he may have been changing in ways that isn't acceptable. Or, he's been pretty good at hiding his morals, values and beliefs until recently. The fact that he sees no problem, thinks you're over reacting should be making huge warning sirens should be going off for you. Don't put yourself in a situation that you'll regret being in, use your head and your sense, not your heart and how you'd like things to be. Stay in the real.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
My family is a source of opinion that I respect. However, they were wrong about a lot of things when it came to my relationship with him. I know it sounds like I'm footing the bill for a lot of things, but in a way it pretty much evens out between us. When he comes across money he gives it back to me for what I covered. As far as getting a house together, that was a decision that we were going back and forth on. Mainly because we already decided that it would be in my name solely because he was still working on getting his credit fixed. He also made it a point to me that he wanted to wait until he had a job so that things wouldn't be solely left on me.
Don't get me wrong, me and him have a wonderful relationship outside of this madness. We don't argue at all, unless it's about her. Before we started getting serious with each other we were friends and we continue to be friends even through our relationship. When he's stressed out or upset about something, mainly things with his mother (a whole other issue), he comes to me and talks. When I need his opinion on something or need to vent to him about things going on with me he listens and gives his opinion. However, when it comes to the issue of his friendship with her we continue to hit a brick wall and can't work to find a common ground.
I have come across other guys since he was away at school...but none are on the same level as I am on or the same level that my relationship with him is. I know that I have grown since we've been together and he has as well. But I want to believe that we have grown more together than apart.
I know it may sound weak and unrealistic of me, but I keep hoping that he will open his eyes and see things differently. I keep thinking that if we make it out of this that he wouldn't even think to do it again because he knows that I wouldn't go through it yet another time whether it be with her or someone else. I don't want to lose him because of this nonsense and it's like I don't know what there is left to say to him to make him see things clearly and see the tension that he's causing in our relationship by keeping her around.
I find it odd that your family -- parents and siblings alike -- whose judgment you trust and respect all would misjudge your boyfriend. What issues besides sex were they concerned about? Does he have a reputation for being a playboy? It would be one thing if one had reservations, but all of them? I'd have to suspect that they had some valid points.
You'd know about the money, but it sure doesn't sound like an equal deal. The fact that he has poor credit would give more reason for concerns that he's irresponsible with money and not paying half. My husband and I both work full time, but if we were unable to pay housing and insurance costs for a month we'd have a hard of a time getting caught up, I think most would. I wonder what kind of money his friends can owe him (and for what?) that he gets enough to repay his rent and insurance costs, and why he doesn't just keep the money and pay his own way instead of loaning his friends money in the first place. I also wonder if you sat down and added it up if you'd still find it was as equal as you've thought.
I hope you don't take offense at this, but everybody has disagreements, if you don't I'd honestly wonder if it's because you really are that much in agreement or if it's because you, without realizing it, just go along with what he chooses and have done so for so long that you don't even realize you've lost your own opinion and have adopted his. It's a fairly common thing to happen when a young girl hooks up with an older guy and while he's not that much older, you were in your teens and he was of legal age when you hooked up. The fact that you're so vastly different in such a basic moral value as conduct with the opposite sex in a relationship would indicate that there are many other big differences as well, both big and small. I'm suspecting he may be leading you more than you know and perhaps that's part of what your family was concerned about.
There's a big difference between coming across other guys while at school and dating other guys, but I know you know that. You can't get an idea of how more mature dating relationships work without actually dating some guys. Unfortunately, being together doesn't seem to have much influence on the direction you grow, as is evidenced by the markedly high divorce rate of couples who marry in their teens or early 20's. Just like those high school relationships, they don't last because changes in one, the other, or both make someone who was "perfect" for them not even close to right as they continue to evolve and mature.
He's not opening his eyes because he doesn't agree with you, his belief system isn't the same as yours. You have as great a chance of changing him to see he was wrong as he has of changing you to believe his actions with her were appropriate, and how likely is that? You may think that you've plainly shown him you won't tolerate this again, but what your actions have shown is that you will tolerate this again. You told him repeatedly you weren't happy with his relationship, clearly told him you wanted it to stop -- even clearly telling him you did not want her coming for a visit. He did exactly what he wanted, continued the relationship and allowed her visit -- and consciously lied to you about it in the process -- and yet you're still there. You've told him that you will tolerate it again because you have tolerated it. Like a parent who threatens a small child with "This time I mean it!" the child knows that the parent isn't any more likely to carry out their threat than they were all the other times, your boyfriend also knows what you'll tolerate. Not only that, but this isn't an issue with her, the issue is with him and his morals and values. He doesn't think his conduct or his relationship was wrong, even if she's out of the picture, he'll go down that road again because he sees nothing wrong with it. You also know he has no problem lying to you and hiding things you don't approve of rather than approach the issue honestly and work through the issue. This kind of conduct won't just apply to inappropriate relationships, if he sees lying and hiding as a valid way to deal with issues with his relationship partner, he'll use it whenever it suits him, in any situation. You've learned some very serious things about your boyfriend. Putting some very serious thought into what is acceptable to you, what you want from a partner and what kind of conduct and character you want to spend the rest of your life with is important, I think. Can you see spending the next 70 years with someone who lies to you and hides issues from you? It's a serious issue that will have a deep impact on your life and the happiness you have within it. At the very least I would suggest you make no big decisions with him until you've had time to consider what you've learned very carefully. Bear in mind that not seeing a repeat of this issue doesn't mean it's gone away, it will only mean he's not had desire or opportunity, or that he's hiding it from you again.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
My parents were mainly concerned about sex when it came to him. They knew that this was really the first boyfriend that I had that I spent so much time with and was really serious with, so they're response was to object to the entire relationship. As for my sisters, they never approved of any of my boyfriends because I am the youngest. Both of my sisters now have a great relationship with him. He never had a reputation for being a playboy and that's what my sisters thought of him, because of one of his associates that he used to just socialize with when we first started seeing each other was. He has only been in two relationships prior to us getting together.
The reason that he has poor credit is because of the fact that his mother was sick for some time before our relationship ever began and he got a credit card to help her out with rent and groceries and other things...but he never got the money to pay it off because he was still in school and didn't have a job. As far as his friends and family owing him money...the rent was paid solely by him. He would write out a check for the rent and his two roommates would then give him there share of the rent. As far as his family owing him money...it was money that he loaned them when he had it to give and was still collecting money from his school, so it wasn't really a problem.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we don't have our share of disagreements but they're never nothing serious or major. They're usually about him not picking up his clothes when he stays with me or stupid little things. Or we may disagree about a certain topic. But never anything as serious as this. I disagree with the fact that he's leading me. He makes it a point for me to have my own mind and make my own decisions when a problem arises. He's not controlling over me at all. He tells me that he doesn't tell me certain things because he's afraid of losing me. That was his main reason for lying to me about her actually being there in the first place...because "he didn't want to hurt me and he was scared that I would walk away from this relationship." He says that he told her not to come but she showed up anyway. But he keeps telling me that nothing ever happened between them or nothing will ever happen even if we were to go our separate ways. I don't think that he will be stupid enough to walk away from this relationship because he would have a lot to lose. I have grown attached to his family from since the beginning and vice-a-versa. He continuously tells me that feels like he's already married to me and he knows that I'm the person that he wants to spend his life with and shows me that he feels that way in many things that he does, but then again I don't see how that's possible when he is doing what he's doing when it comes to this situation.
It's just gotten to the point where I just want this whole situation with her to be over with but I don't want to lose him in the process.
Thanks for clearing those things up. I didn't say that he was leading you, I expressed concern that it might be happening and suggested you take a look at that -- when it happens it does so without you realizing it, if you were aware, you wouldn't allow it to happen in the first place.
I guess thought, that I still don't quite get the money thing. I assume since his mother is now supporting him, that she's repaid his credit card, even though (I assume) his credit is affected because of previous lack of payments. I don't get why you'd be paying his rent if his roommates are paying him their share. So you pay his rent, then he reimburses you within the month?
If the issue is as you described in your last response, then the issue that the two of you have to be very clear and agree on is honesty. Lying to you for fear of losing you is not a mature decision and can't be part of a healthy relationship. He has to be willing to be honest and upfront with you, to hide things is having you stay in the relationship through deception and lack of knowledge of the truth, that's not okay. If he told her not to come and she showed up anyway he still had choices. He could have turned her away. He should have immediately informed you of her appearance whether she left again or not. The fact that he chose not to says he chose to deceive you rather than show himself to be upfront and honest by letting you know immediately what the situation was. But... what you're saying here is in contrast to what you've said previously. Here you're saying he lied for fear of losing you whereas before you've said he doesn't see the problem with his actions or his relationship with her and doesn't intend to end it. You also said he thinks you're over reacting and exaggerating the issue. It also doesn't touch on the fact that he'd talk to her for over an hour on more than one occasion even though you were there, waiting for him. Again, she is not the issue. The issue is him and his beliefs. Even if she goes away, the problem remains.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Let me try to clear the whole money thing up...although he lives with his mother, she doesn't support him financially when he needs money for things...he just lives there. She has never repaid him for the money against his credit. As for his rent I give him the money to cover the entire rent and when his roommates give him their share he gives me that money plus more if he has it to reimburse me for his part.
I think the main issue is that I have with him is that fact that he would lie to me, whether or not he thinks or thought that I would leave him. Also the fact that he doesn't see that his friendship with her is causing a problem between us. I honestly know that he cares about me and loves me, but it seems as though he thinks that by me pushing the issue of him ending his friendship with her is trying to control him and his life.
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